[xRavenx]

I really need to change my lifestyle. Although I have a job, I stay to myself. My job is kind of isolating. It is very overwhelming though, and there are times where I cannot work consistently as a result of my episodes. I remember a time when I had a lot of friends. Many friends seem to have taken offense that I couldn't keep up with them, since my depressions and manias started to really interfere with the social life that I used to have. It has also affected my relationships, and they all fell apart. The few friends I do have also suffer from depression and are the same way, with the exception of one friend, who lives far far away. It would be nice to have a partner, but I don't even know where to start. I find myself comparing myself to others who have someone special in their lives, but there's that little voice in my head, where I lack the energy to put effort into anything or connect with anyone new. I recently cut people out of my life, who were toxic. Sharing my life with someone is overwhelming to think of, when I don't feel I have much to offer.

I've had a lot of bad experiences. It's all too scary. I know I can't just live in a hole, but it's "safer" that way, and my motivation level is terrible. My manias used to bring out the social side of me, but now they are centered around more solitary activities, such as shopping sprees and introverted projects. I never thought my life would be this way. Although I work, I lack some life skills and feel unworthy. I thought I'd be in a different spot in life by now. This disorder has robbed me, and I fault myself too.

Can anyone relate? I feel very alone. I don't even know where to start when it comes to improving my life. I think depression is especially getting in the way.