pangs for cannabis today but resisted

so today I found myself wanting to run away from life and hide under a blanket, but also tempted to escape into a cannabis high. I had these sudden thoughts of wanting to smoke weed. I just told myself it would make everything worse rather than making anything better. But it was tough.

Can anyone else relate to addiction with a mind altering substance?

It's been about 6 weeks since I quit weed.

About three years ago I was smoking every single day, almost all day. I didn't want to do anything unless I did it high. Why eat food when it tastes better high? Why listen to music when it sounds better high? Why be nervous or stressed when you can get high?

I smoked every day for probably 2 years, until eventually one night I ate too many edibles and had a case of the "mean greens" (aka I got too high). I had my first panic attack and began vomiting and had to be taken to the hospital. I had noticed beforehand that weed was making my paranoia worse but I just didn't worry about it.

From my personal research I have found that weed can accelerate the onset of mental illnesses and make them worse. Before I began smoking I was mentally healthy with maybe just a sprinkle of depression. I don't think that weed caused me to become mentally ill but I believe it may have sped up the process and clouded my thoughts enough to where I didn't realize I needed help early.

I haven't smoked in three years. The first year was tough, I kept thinking about it but after a while you kind of just forget about it. I'll think of it now and then and even look back on some memories where I was high fondly, but I have now realized how awful it is for someone who has mental health issues.

You will stop craving it soon, and you have made the right choice stopping. I noticed after a few months that my memory was better, I had more energy, and was more productive.

This is just my point of view, I hope it helps and I hope you feel better

Thanks for sharing your experience taybaby. Boy do I relate to everything you wrote. On the one hand I do miss it. One the other hand... I have ongoing paranoid delusions that were aggravated by cannabis.

Your message is so inspiring. I'm really hoping that my memory and energy will improve. It's important to be able to focus on the positive rather than just avoiding the negative.

Good luck, tecomsin. I don't use anymore, but I found my bad spells were far more frequent when I smoked. It sucks bad enough having a MI, but trying to mask feelings with weed never worked for me. It's obvious from your post that you'll have success if you keep being honest with yourself. Six weeks clean is a big milestone. Congrats!

Thank you emgreen, that's exactly what I was doing for about a decade... masking emotions, avoiding reality, and using cannabis as a temporary escape. I did quit smoking cigarettes in 2015 and have stuck with it, but cannabis is a different beast. I still imagine feeling that fleeting relief when you first get a buzz but the downside is more symptoms and no longterm wellness.

I really do appreciate any and all words of encouragement. It isn't easy.

I stopped smoking weed a little over 90 days ago. I had relapsed for about 9 month on a prior year of being clean. Weed is a tough one as it can lull you into numbing constantly.

MI and Weed are just not good. The only thing it did for me was not giving a ***** about anything. Oh and I drank way too much when high too so combined I was a mess.

Great job on 6 Weeks! It get's easier and you'll feel better having a clear head.

Thank you Minnow,

Good news that you are 3 months clean. Congrats. I am just over a month behind you.

and I agree about numbing and indifference, well when your life feels like crap then this can be the most one can hope for but that is a false idol. Totally false. That is a lie of the addiction. Combining with alcohol would be a very bad combination for me as I'm sure I would have become an alcoholic too; good you are free of that combination.

I will have to be vigilant for the rest of my days. The thing I . miss the most is the initial 'awakeness' I get with the first buzz in the morning. I felt like a light turned on in my head that is otherwise absent.

But there are other ways to wake up. I'm still struggling with feeling like crap until the afternoon each day and now that I think about it that might just be part of the cannabis withdrawal.

Hey! I quit cigs in 2015, too...after smoking for 30 years! I've been clean & sober for a while now because my substance abuse kicked my arse around the block more than a time or two - but quitting cigs was pretty painful for me, too!

Congrats on the 90+ days, minnow! Keep on!

Thanks for the Congrats.

emgreen, Congrats on quitting smoking cigs!

ticomsin, I totally understand what you mean by "Awakeness" weed gave you. I told myself that it was an "Activator" for me to get going and it was in a way. That morning hit made me very active and alert. Like you mentioned, all my senses were heightened. Second hit at noon was needed and one at 4 too. This was my typical work day. Weekends were more frequent. I did this while hiding it from everyone. Even my wife. I knew I had to stop and find a better way.

Now I'm very slow in the morning and have to push myself. I will say that my mood has stabilized and I'm not having deep dark lows with panic and anxiety. So that is very nice.

Thank you for sharing emgreen. It means a lot to me as I feel so alone now with all my problems. At least I got the nicotine monkey off my back but it took more than a year.

Cannabis is definitely easier but also it is a slippery slope in the thought process that could lead me to light up again. I've had huge consequences recently for my 'sins'.

After I quit smoking cigarettes I went through some health checks (I had no symptoms...) one of which was a chest xray, and found out I had lung cancer which led to surgery and chemo and lifelong monitoring.

My last psychotic episode led to criminal charges for the first time in my life. I wasn't any more crazy than some previous episodes but I acted out in different ways. So there are some tough lessons to learn. This place and my psychiatrist's office (I have 45 minute talk-therapy sessions with him) is my refuge.

Yes Minnow that is exactly how weed worked for me. I am trying rexulti now in the morning at a low dose to start and hoping it will snap my brain out of the funk. I am also hoping that the passage of time will help to relieve the heaviness. My brain literally felt lighter when I got a buzz on cannabis. Like there were little sparks then went off. I am seeing a slow improvement in the morning. for instance it is morning now and my brain is working well enough to read your messages and type a response. A month ago I would not have been able to do that.

tecomsin, It gets better everyday. I read that it takes 90-120 days for THC to totally leave our system as it gets stored in our fat cells. The time of year also has an affect on me and I truly believe I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Every fall I slip into a funk. I increase my meds (with DR approval) and ride out the season.
Hang in there!

I smoke weed to treat chronic pain. A 60/40 strain of sativa/kush during the day and an 80/20 kush/sativa in the evening.

I was taking 300mg of morphine for 13 years and 80mg OxyContin and Hydrocodone 10/325 as needed up to five times daily. And I just stopped. Too big of a pain to go through to get the opioids. Felt like a criminal. With specific weed strains I can feel a morning creativity and get through the day with limited pain and, at night, I can sleep.

I know that there are some cannabis/Bipolar studies with various findings but I’ve not paid much attention to them: I know what works for me. Yep, I have some goofy antics during the day and some slow-moving ‘take yer good shoes off’ times in the evening (but, nonetheless, some genuine flashes of genius, in the evening, too).

One day - if I’m really bored - I’ll search LexisNexis for the articles of testing Bipolar disorder with cannabis.

Congrats on 6 weeks!

This is a great thread, with lots of insight and encouragement!

I hope you'll continue finding your way to increased health on all levels.


WC

Thank you WC. I never imagined a decade ago, before my first hospitalization with a manic psychosis how fragile a good life is and how difficult and precarious health and well being can be to maintain or recover.

I thought I had done well to get through a serious bout of cancer treatment without having an episode.

Then I stopped taking my 5 mg of olanzapine because my blood sugar had been reading in the pre-diabetes range. Sure enough my blood sugar normalized but together with cannabis i went off the deep end big time and now have more problems than i ever could have imagined, and i am so alone too because I have lost the few friends that I had.

I really don't know what to do about that.

It was a mental instability together with cannabis, together with not working anymore and social isolation that has driven me into this funk.

One thing though for sure is that a temporary escape into a cannabis high, which does make me more social... isn't a real solution only a temporary band aid and I'm convinced that without the cannabis my psychoses would not have gone as far as they did.

well tomorrow is a new day. There is always hope.

I still have hope.

well i made it another few days without smoking cannabis. did have a little attack this evening. i just wanted the wave that washes over me to relax. there's nothing quite like it. i think though i was mostly smoking out of boredom.

i do find bipolar depression to be dull and boring.

Cannabis is definitely a cure for boredom. Good for you for resisting if it’s been a problem for you.

Thanks for this. I use cannabis as well. I have a prescription for it and the doctor knows I have bipolar. I replaced benzos and sleeping pills for cannabis. I typically use edibles and oil now as I don't love smoking it.

To OP: great job! I know cannabis use in bipolar is controversial. I have been instructed not to use anything high THC for risk of psychosis (I still do sometimes). If it doesn't work for you, quitting is the best thing. You should be proud of yourself!

I have no doubt cannabis helps lots of people and I hope more and more studies are done for strains that help people get off of opiods without causing psychosis. I also got lots of benefits from cannabis and started taking it after more than 20 years of abstinence to deal with chronic pain... and it helped. Then i started using it for energy, to relieve boredom, to entertain. I do feel more creative and alive with cannabis.

So it sucks, frankly, to give it up.

Also I can add that feeling like a criminal is a whole lot better than being one and my last psychotic episode led to criminal charges... so every time i think of lighting up I just remember sitting in a cold jail cell rubbing my feet to stay warm...

And i don't have the self-discipline to stick to low THC because I always end up chasing the high, which I crave, and the high CBD just sap my energy, which I don't have much of anyway, so that is why I had to give it up completely.

ok I caved today and took 3 puffs in the morning. i have a small stash in the freezer and took just a pinch to get the depressed monkey that can't get motivated to get out of bed going.

that was it... just 3 puffs

but it is obvious i am still fighting the addiction.

one thing i could see is how even that little bit opens my mind to the drama of the psychotic belief system i have developed over the years... like it might be true, and then i start to notice little coincidences again.

of course 3 puffs is not like running a buzz all day which for me involved taking a couple of puffs every hour or so.

well tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start

i'm still on 2.5 mg of olanzapine at night and just stepped up from 0.5 to 1 mg of rexulti, in the morning, which is a new drug for me.

also took 50 mg of lyrica last night because my sleep has not been good and if I take it intermittently then it will knock me out for the night.

i am moderately disappointed with myself and am looking for encouragement. soon i'll be seeing my pdoc and will have to tell him about my failure.

You got this! I slipped up more times than I care to admit when I smoked cigarettes, but I've been smoke free for 11.5 years now. Don't let one bad day get you down. Look how far you made it! You are doing awesome. I believe in you!