Getting a job. This really scares me. What do I do?

I have mentioned this in the Bipolar Check In thread. However, I am now asking for a little support and ideas on how I can handle this. I am sorry for the very long post.

I have initiated a process that can end up with a job in the career I had before my SSDI. I have been out of work for about 20 years. I am already 58 years old. Anyways, the employment service plans to get me a job in this field which can be very stressful at time. I am going to work part time in order to keep my SS benefits. If this works out, and I get a good enough offer, I will work full time. I have to get a full time job for I have large debts and I have no money in the bank.

I am really really scared about re-entering the job market. I constantly think about this. What if I cannot function well enough? What if I crash and end up being fired? I would feel absolutely terrible about that. My mind does not work as well as it did in the past. I frequently forget what I was about to do. I sometimes cannot focus. I have already gone through a very stressful time in my life. I probably will be very overwhelmed at first which can lead to severe depression. I do not have a support system in place. It can take over a year to stabilize me due to infrequent visits to my pdoc due to going to a public facility.

I understand there are others here who have gone through this same situation. How did you cope with this? Did you end up quitting, or end up being firied? I would also like some feedback from those who do not work but still understand my situation. I thank you in advance for any help you can provide me.

By the way, it was very difficult to make this thread. I am becoming a needy incapable weakling. I do not like showing this side of myself.

I do understand your situation, and any advice I offer is not based on eventual success getting a job after SSDI. I'm still on SSDI, and have been for 8 years. I'm now 46 years old.

I know from the long-ago past when I returned to my old job (when I still had it) after periods in the hospital and Intensive Outpatient Programs that anxiety was my biggest challenge. That followed by poor sleep, maybe poor eating, and lack of support system to a lesser degree. So I know what my downfalls were. You've already indicated the anxiety part. I think the weapon we both need is anxiety killing skills. Definitely building a better support system (therapist, therapist, and psychiatrist to a lesser degree) is important. How often do you see your therapist? Can you manage to see him/her more often in the interim? Write down anxiety coping tools so you can see them, and set up reminders to use them. Practice really helps. I found Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tools to be especially helpful at combating anxiety/cognitive distortions (catastrophizing, all or nothing thinking, black or white thinking, jumping to conclusions, and others). Challenging paranoia is also a big deal for some people.

So I've been doing well, and am going to soon take some steps forward, too. For me, I'll start with volunteering. Believe me, I've volunteered in the past and failed at that. This time, however, I'm ready with my tools, and have learned a bit about why I failed. I'm hoping that that knowledge will increase my chances of success this next time.

Thank you for your reply. I think you gave me good ideas. However, I do not have a therapist. Also I can meet my pdoc only three to four times a year. During a change of medication, I have to wait a month or more to see him again. In the past, he can be booked solid two to three months out due to this being a public facility. So I will have to figure out a solution to this. Initially, I will not be able to afford a private pdoc which would provide me a solution. So I may have to talk about this with my prospective employer which I really do not want to do.

Hey. I don't have much advice as I have always worked, but I wanted to wish you luck.
Anxiety isn't logical but try to remember that spending endless energy agonizing over what horrible things could happen reentering the job market will not prevent them from happening.
In your mind, the worst has already happened, so whether you succeed or fail, you have already experoenced what that would feel like in your head repeatedly, so why not actually go for it in real life? Ido if that makes any sense. But for me, I often fantasize about and suffer the worst possible scenario in my head over and over. Back When going back for my MS part time I bemoansd to a friend that it would take me 5 years and I would be 35 when I graduate. She replied, u will be 35 in 5 years anyway.

You may surprise yourself. Personally I find working and having a regular schedule to be very stabilizing and healthy for me. Think of the possible good outcomes- you may enjoy it and be really good at it and meet new people and have more $ in your pocket each month.
Personally I would not disclose anything to your employer. Not to be cynical but stigma is real and you can't untell. Others may have different opinions on that. Anyhow good luck. In regards to CBT, if u can't afford therapy there are some decent workbooks out there you can do on your own. Just an idea. Take care.

——part time? Mentor who has gone thru returning? Mentor at the employer?
Build all yr support system ASAP, strengthen yrself in all ways, gym, friends, hobby to take mind off work, attend prof assoc mtgs. I am facing same decision .make sure yr meds are right in advance. We all have these fears. My friend says break it down. Give yrself at least one success every day. It’s ok not to do everything perfectly. The most successful people have stumbled. Just pad any tumbles.

I haven't worked for 9 years. I am scared to go to the grocery store. I only leave my house for my pdoc appointments every 3 weeks. I could definitely not hold down a job right now. I have 3 kids that keeps me very busy at home but I hate leaving the house. I'm very proud of you for thinking about going back to work. I personally think you'll do great. Best of luck to you!

I would start with small steps then work your way up the ladder. Why don't you work part-time or volunteer first? If you can handle this, add more responsibilities. I have not worked full-time in about 8 years but am working at two part-time jobs and doing free-lance as well. I am doing ok. I am seeking full-time positions now because I want to see if I can do it. But, the older one becomes these positions become more scarce. I know how you feel about your situation and believe you should not set yourself up for failure by pursuing a full-time job if you have not worked in awhile. I again would start with a part-time job then if you can do this successfully add more hours then seek full-time work.

The biggest thing that has helped me re-enter the workforce is maintaining a consistent schedule. If I don't sleep, I become manic. Sleep too much, and I become depressed. So no matter how hard it is, I stick to a consistent schedule. Also--once you start back, make sure you're doing what you can to manage your stress. If there are people who are draining and you don't absolutely have to talk to them, maybe distance yourself for awhile until you're feeling comfortable at your job. And don't talk to people who stress you out first thing in the morning or right before bed--just sets a bad tone for the day/night. If you're spiritual/religious, maybe try getting involved with a faith community. I know that's what gets me up and going on the rough days. I will try to write more as I think of it, but please know I'm thinking of you. Be patient with yourself--I was fired twice when I first tried to re-enter the workforce, but have been successful working at my current part-time job for nearly four years. Best wishes!!!

You certainly DON'T sound like a weakling! I can understand how you must feel & wish you strength (& a little self-confidence ) to achieve your goal!

I understand this very well.

I am in the middle of a job search and it is not going well. Christmas and January are definitely not the best times of year to be seeking employment. I am at wit's end, even applying now for retail and minimum wage.

But I am slogging along trying to be as upbeat as I can for those around me to see. The truth is I am feeling a great deal as though I were a failure.

I am in the workforce but have had a couple of hospital stays that I have had to keep secret from my level of employer, the higher level of hr dealt with the paperwork and legally they are not allowed to share any information. My point with my story in relating it to yours is that I understand the stress and trying to function when you feel different. I have come to a point where I just try not to go beyond each day with worry. I am 56, so I am in your age range as far as trying to keep it together mentally. I find that my mind is not as sharp as it used to be either. I think some of it is the toll that medication has taken.
I am sorry that you are not able to see a therapist. Do you have a local chapter of NAMI in your area? Where I live there several weekly meetings for people who have mental illnesses to meet. You can find information online at their website.
I hope that your job situation works out, good luck!
Bluemountains

I know what you're saying. Sometimes I think it would help me to get a job so I have something to help me stay busy so I can't brood. But, on the other hand, I had to take early retirement almost 4 years ago because I couldn't concentrate, was making terrible mistakes in my work, couldn't remember things, and was having angry outbursts in the workplace. I chose to take early retirement because I was honestly afraid I was going to get fired and didn't want to lose my retirement benefits.

I've been on SSDI for about 3 1/2 years. My SSDI said I was disabled, unlikely to improve. I don't know if part of that is because of my age, or what. I'm 60 years old. My reviews are supposed to take place every 5-7 years. I haven't had one yet.

I think about going to work, but don't want to lose my benefits. And I honestly don't know if I could function. Also, I don't know if my age would work against me. I know age discrimination is against the law, but I think the minute they see your birthdate on the application, they could not hire you because of some made-up excuse.

I know this isn't encouraging to you at all. Good luck to you.

I can completely relate to what you’re describing. I am in my early 40’s, and worked steadily throughout my career until 2016. I kept advancing up the career ladder, but either left / got fired from 5 jobs between 2011 – 2016. After getting let go from the last in a string of career failures, my wife knew something was up. I was admitted to the psych ward and diagnosed with Bipolar I with Depression.

The quote that really resonated with me was “My mind does not work as well as it did in the past. I frequently forget what I was about to do.” I feel that there's been a weakening of my mental facilities. I completed an extremely challenging MBA program while working a demanding job, and helping my wife raise 2 kids (when able to). This strenuous period led to burnout, and now I feel like my brain is "fried."

I did end up taking up a position several levels of seniority beneath my previous executive title. Even that I found too stressful. I found myself unable to concentrate in meetings, recall information discussed, and follow up. I ended up leaving the job after 9 months, and am now living off of disability, Social Security, and unemployment.

I am fortunate to have a very supportive wife. I’d lashed out at her for over a year during my manic phase, and nearly got divorced. Fortunately, she knew this wasn’t the “real me,” and forced me to face my demons. I am hoping to find work sometime in the future. However, right now I am focusing on getting better (physically and mentally), so that when I return to work I don’t succumb to the same pitfalls that led me to this place.

And don’t worry – you are not a “a needy incapable weakling.” It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge the challenges in your life and seek help. I wish you the best of luck in your return to employment; I know it’s not easy.

Cheers

I've always worked, which has provided a framework for living. I was laid off in August 2017, though, and my whole life changed. UE stipulates that three (legitimate) job searches have to be reported each week; I live in a rural area, so finding prospects wasn't easy. I dutifully submitted my UE claims, though, hoping against hope that nothing would pan out because I was growing more and more doubtful that I could function in the workplace. Then, to my amazement, I got three offers in one week. I picked the least stressful, with as little people contact as possible, and I started the job this week. I'm older, too, so my ability to retain information is diminished. This has been my approach...maybe something will be helpful?

I take copious and laborious notes. I "joke" with my trainers that my learning "style" is that I'm in a fog and generally overwhelmed at the beginning, but that everything will click at once and I'll never have to ask another question. I've told them that I will no doubt ask the same questions repeatedly but asked them to try to bear with me because I actually DO have a measurable IQ...it'll just take a while for them to detect it. So here's the deal: I use humor to (try to) cover up my fear, which is substantial. I strive to learn just a couple of things a day. I believe that an upbeat attitude covers a multitude of sins, so I've gone in every day with a smile and walk briskly with good posture; they selected me from a number of other candidates, so I must have SOMEthing to offer. At the end of the first week, I told them that I was delighted with the position and would probably have to start from scratch on Monday since I would forget everything over the weekend.

Oh...one day this week I asked to just observe and take notes, and I "hid in the shadows" and wrote four pages of questions based on the types of issues my trainers had to deal with throughout the day. I could be wrong, but I think they were kind of impressed, and this exercise had a lot of value for me; it gave me a feel for the corporate culture, it took less energy than actual working, and it also gave them a break for having to "entertain" me non-stop, which can be exhausting for them, too. Even though my meds are strictly scheduled and none are p.r.n., I carried one of each tablet/capsule with me to work because it made me feel safer somehow.

So, anyway, that's what I'm doing. I'm fortunate to have been hypomanic this week but held the lid down somehow. I'm bordering on manic right now (trembly, overtalkative, WAY excited, up at 4:00 this morning and frantically active)...but WAIT! I haven't taken my meds yet this morning!

The worst that can happen is that they think I'm incompetent or that I have to go into the hospital -- again -- but what the heck. Not the end of the world.

Well, what two days make. I got an interview, I got an interview! Whew, big relief. But then I had to go to it. I really had to pull out everyone of my Anxiety coping mechanisms. I still had to take some Seroquel to calm myself.

All went perfectly okay. In fact it went really well. I have been recommended for a final interview.

Isn't this the way things tend to happen? I worry it turns out needlessly. I make myself sick.

I had to think really quickly when they enquired about the gaps in my resume and duration of some periods of employment. I left out that I am sick. I simply stated I have moved around a lot (true) and not always been in a position of having to work.

Wow! I am very happy for what all of you here have given me. I really do appreciate this. The description of your job search and work situations has given me allot to think about.. Perhaps this will work out for me, but I need to be prepared for some significant hurdles. I must trust in myself, that even though I will stumble through for a time, I have a good chance in making it work. I think much of it depends on my selection of a job. And yes, getting fired from s job is not the end of the world.

@NolamaeB

I have been on disability for at least 15 years. I have not had a review from Social Security yet. I have received a letter from them two times. In each case, they sent me another letter stating that I can ignore the previous letter that informed me of an upcoming review. Luck? Perhaps the pdoc that I see told them that I was not ready for a job? I do not know, but I think the review will eventually happen. I must be prepared for this. I had SS employee look up some information for me. This is when I found out that my next review is coming up in July. I will see if this will actually happen.

@bpforever1

I am going to start out with a part time job. There is a Vocational Rehab facility that is now helping me with this. They arranged for me a meeting with a head hunting firm, meaning an agency who finds jobs for professionals. They both told me that they will support me every step of the way. Still, many jobs in the computer industry are stressful.