[dsmith]

Hola mis amigos!

Interesting bookends for the year: I made the first post about 6 days into the new year, and here I now am writing something near the tail end.

This year has been quite boring, and things have essentially moved sideways: I started the year unemployed, and am (after an 8-month contract) once again unemployed. I’m sitting on my hands, wondering when I’ll “find my calling.” Survey says it will be quite a bit of time. Certainly not in the foreseeable future.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type I a little over a year ago. It did clear up a lot: the drastic mood swings, from crippling depression to frightening mania. However, I feel like it’s an albatross around my neck. On the employment front, there was an “interesting” constraint: because of some conditions of my disability policy I was unable to accept a generous offer that my employer had extended to me. Maybe it was for the best: my ability to focus or retain any piece of information is compromised, to put it charitably.

For most of my 20 years as “an adult,” career was everything to me. I identified my self-worth entirely by the pedigree of my employer, the caliber of my colleagues, and the paycheck I took home. Can't really do that when you're unemployed, and probably will be for a while.

My symptoms have been very frustrating:
1) Chest pain. Constant pain in my chest that radiates throughout my left side. It feels like a heart attack is imminent. I had gone to my GP a year ago, complaining of chest pains, and the idiot sent me to the ER; thankfully nothing turned up on the cardiac front. But it’s frustrating to go through each day without any sense of why this is happening
2) Nausea. I’ve been throwing up in the morning for over 5 weeks now. The likely culprit (pregnancy) doesn’t seem too probable – I’m a guy . In response, I’ve started a very bland diet – bananas, applesauce, and toast – and have abstained from coffee. This has, in turn, made me very tired.
3) Incredible fatigue and lethargy (see #2 above)
4) Oatmeal-like brain. I don’t know if it’s the meds I’m taking, or recovery from a 15-month manic bender, but my brain is in neutral. When I talk to people, it’s always “in one ear and out the other.” I nod along, as if I’m understanding completely. However, it’s like the teacher in Peanuts who would regale Charlie Brown, Lucy, Linus et al each day with “blah blah blah.” This is making it difficult to function even in the most routine of environments – i.e., taking my kids for activities.
5) Profound lack of self-worth. I know it’s not healthy to identify completely with one’s job. However, I now feel completely useless because I (a) don’t have a job and (b) have no idea what kind of job I’m going to get / be able to maintain once this fog lifts.

Mania was very destructive, and nearly cost me my family: in the course of 15 months, my life spiraled into textbook form of bipolar disorder:
a) Converted to a very shady form of Christianity (I'd previously been Hindu)
b) Treated my body and apartment like a sewer: I smoked like a chimney, ate toxic microwaved dinners, drank Red Bull like it was going out of style, and cluttered my apartment with disgusting objects I either picked up off the street or at thrift stores. Think Pig Pen as an adult.
c) Survived on 2-3 hours of sleep a night
d) Racked up over 75k in credit card debt (my 15-year FICO score of 800 plummeted to 500 virtually overnight)
e) Fought incessantly with my wife, my parents, and my children
f) Replaced all my friends with a new set of enablers, who constantly told me how great and funny I was, and that my wife was an idiot for thinking I was bipolar
g) Got canned from a well-paying job at a very well-known financial institution. Granted, my boss was a manipulative psychopath (think Charles Manson in a Men’s Wearhouse suit), but I didn’t endear myself to many with my manic babbling, negativity, oversharing (mainly about my domestic tribulations), inability to finish routine tasks, and delusions of grandeur.

Earlier this year I indicated that I craved the excitement that mania brought; I’d equated it with the early part of the movie Limitless, where protagonist Eddie Mora ingests a pill that increases his intelligence, energy, and charisma. I now see that this is complete poppycock: the year I spent “on the other side” was highly destructive, and would have cost me my life had it continued.

This realization aside, I’m quite miserable in my new life. Sure, there’s more harmony at home. Sure, I’m sleeping better, and eating right. My wife and I do enjoyable things like go on trips to Spain, Florida, and Vegas. Sure, things could be much worse. However, I can’t shake the comparison bug: I look at people who were either my colleagues, or much younger than me, or went to lower-ranked colleges and business schools. They are all either C-level execs, solid business owners, or doing something far more worthy than me.

I’m grateful that I’ve been given another chance with my family, especially given how close we were to complete dissolution. There is a lot to take solace in, especially as close as I was to the abyss. I think fictional mob boss Tony Soprano said it best:

“I know that every day is a gift. It’s just – does it have to be a pair of tube socks?”

With that, I’ll hang it up.

Happy holidays to you all: I hope this year was good to you, and that 2018 brings you and your loved (or at least liked) ones health, wealth, and happiness.

Sorry for the cheesy signoff.

[~Christina]

I hope things take a turn upward for you

Happy Holidays

[dsmith]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I hope things take a turn upward for you

Thanks Christina. It sounds like a trivial and ridiculous item to celebrate, but I didn't throw up today. Also, I visited a "developmental optometrist" who works with people with problems focusing and retaining information (i.e., "oatmeal brain"). She ordered a new pair of lenses for me, which apparently help patients manage these challenges.

Keeping my fingers crossed. After 42 years of constantly fumbling and fighting an uphill battle, I could sure use some positive developments in my life.

Thanks for the support!