[SorryShaped]

Not better at all. I stupidly wasted money on liquor and don't feel better at all. If anything I'm more depressed. I also found out today The FDA took kratom, a tea I use to manage pain, and classified it an opioid, putting it on schedule one. I won't be able to move again without it. One of my prescriptions, the one I've got two more days of, has been denied by my insurance. They say they don't cover it at all.
I'm totally lost in my life right now. I want something to be better but nothing is. It's all going downhill or over the edge already and I have no more control. I don't think I want control. I don't really know what I want anymore. I'm so tired of feeling this way. Nothing is helping. I'm going to quit trying now. I give up. Everything else wins. I'm done

That is really interesting about your tea. I am sorry that life is such a challenge for you.

[Guiness187055]

When I am feeling really low I tell myself it can only go up from here. It gives me a little bit of strength to get through.

[tecomsin]

We are here for you SorryShaped. That sucks about your tea, kratom. Sometimes you can get a doctor to appeal and insurance decision esp if you have been taking the medication before. Maybe that is an option for you.

[SorryShaped]

I'm stopping meds. For the first time in 18 years, I'm quitting meds, 13 of those for bipolar. I never stopped, even when they didn't work or caused problems. I'd get an appointment before I would quit a med or stop it close to the appointment. I can't keep doing all this like it is. Only something different could happen. If I have to keep being THIS and coming back to THIS then I'll never make it out alive.
Wait, nobody gets out of life alive. Do we?

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I'm stopping meds. For the first time in 18 years, I'm quitting meds, 13 of those for bipolar. I never stopped, even when they didn't work or caused problems. I'd get an appointment before I would quit a med or stop it close to the appointment. I can't keep doing all this like it is. Only something different could happen. If I have to keep being THIS and coming back to THIS then I'll never make it out alive.
Wait, nobody gets out of life alive. Do we?

Woah friend. Talk to your doctor first. Don't just go off your meds. Please.

[Tucson]

That is a bit rash for you to declare that you are completely going off meds. I suspect any decision in your current state of mind would likely be a mistake. I wish you well with your decision.

Yes. Don't go off of them without medical help. That is a lot of meds to stop taking all at once. You need to wean off of them slowly to let your own brain "chemicals" regulate themselves.

SS—you have a voice of reason; I’ve seen it. What would you tell yourself?

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by key tones

SS—you have a voice of reason; I’ve seen it. What would you tell yourself?

I'd say, "If nothing's working, try something else."
I've chosen to stop the lamictal XR. Apparently it gets eaten up by tegretol anyway. Probably, that is why nothing's medically working. The insurance won't pay for it and I don't have over $500 a month to pay for it. That's the generic price! So we're done there. I'm not going to fight with insurance over it every month. I'm not worth that effort and neither is continuing a path where nothing's working.
Tegretol and Seroquel also interact, so one of those might be next on the chopping block. I might reduce things until I can manage. I might indeed stop them altogether.
I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm trying to deal with my past and I don't stand a chance. I'm trying to plan for my future, but there's nothing to plan with or for. I try living in the now, but those other two I just mentioned keep kicking my arse!
The new thing to try might be give in completely, stop everything I'm doing, even the things I liked, and see what happens. I can stay right here completely under this blanket as long as I want. I don't have plans until the 17th anyway.

I’m worried about you, SS.

The thing we bipolars are *notorious* for doing is going off meds and relapsing. You may well lose your judgment.

I have had these thoughts myself. I’m afraid of myself sometimes. I could lose everything if I give into it.

I hope you still care—are you OK?

Anyway, I know you have medication concerns. I hear you. Please tell them to the doc and work through it. My insurance gave me #### over my daughter’s Abilify. It only took one letter from the doc and it was fine.

Please.

[LadyShadow]

Worrying for you too. I have seen you reaching out a lot here on PC, letting out everything you have been dealing with, and honestly I am glad that you have been participating so much, giving us your thoughts from your unique perspective.

I understand the frustration of throwing up your hands, and throwing everything out and saying "eff this whole mess" but for a bipolar survivor (that's what we all are), going off meds suddenly, is what we come to regret more than anything through our journey, (even more than the regrets we already have).

If you can't find your footing, reach out to your pdoc, or at least your therapist; a professional that can guide you through these hard times. That's what they are there for. USE THE RESOURCES.

Good luck, and hang on tight. We are all rooting for you.

[emgreen]

You're taking 13 meds for BP??? That sounds a bit excessive to me. Perhaps it's time to find a new pdoc. It seems there's always something going down with you...I hope things improve soon.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by emgreen

You're taking 13 meds for BP??? That sounds a bit excessive to me. Perhaps it's time to find a new pdoc. It seems there's always something going down with you...I hope things improve soon.

I've been on meds for bipolar for 13 years.
I don't know if I want to go to my therapist any more either. I don't think I'll do anything once I phase my meds out. I'm so tired of being THIS. There could be a good person under All This. One way to find out.

[99fairies]

I don't know you too well, but I do know you are a good person. You have been there for me more than once and I'm so thankful. You will make it through this. You are very brave and strong and I know you have what it takes to get unstuck and move forward.

[emgreen]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I've been on meds for bipolar for 13 years.

Gotcha! I misread your post. I was going to say - 13 BP meds!!!

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I've been on meds for bipolar for 13 years.
I don't know if I want to go to my therapist any more either. I don't think I'll do anything once I phase my meds out. I'm so tired of being THIS. There could be a good person under All This. One way to find out.

As your friend I hope you know I care about you. With that in mind I think you are making a very bad decision. I know you are hurting right now, but what you are doing is self sabatoge and a good way to end up in the hospital, which I know you don't want. You are making classic bipolar bad decisions because you hurt. I can't stop you (I would if I could) but I can ask you please don't do this.

[tecomsin]

Hey SS,
You've managed to find just the right words to say to me when I was feeling extremely stressed. Whatever you decide to do, know that you'll be accepted. We're not here to judge you.

Having said that I am very sorry about the fact I went off my antipsychotic meds. Perhaps an in between station is a good place to park for awhile. i don't know what you are taking but, given how psych meds are often prescribed, it's possible you don't need all of them at the same dosages.

Keep paying close attention to how you feel and if you've had psychosis more than once keep an AP in the mix.

[SorryShaped]

Holy crap I feel better after starting being off lamictal! It's like an intense calm settled over me. My mind isn't racing at all. I'm able to read again and almost feel like writing, though not just yet. I got through four chapters of the book I'm reading and didn't have to read things two or more times. I didn't flip out internally when dad said they wanted to go to the RV show, which are horribly boring, nor did I freak when I agreed to go. So it's really Dad that wants to go. Mom can't go in them and Dad is just dreaming. But, at least he's still dreaming. There are minor things happening, like the strange feeling in my left shoulder, but that could be from anything, especially from working out as much as I do. The glitches in my vision are fading too. I think that those were almost like a twitch in my eyes but I don't know what else to call them. I don't feel nearly as depressed right now. I've been thinking about the garbage from my childhood, or the garbage that was my childhood and most life for that matter. I know I'm not going to be ok, not for a long time. I don't feel like I'm worth the work. We'll see how it goes later on.

SS—so you stopped lamactil and feel better. Are you keeping with your other meds?

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by key tones

SS—so you stopped lamactil and feel better. Are you keeping with your other meds?

Yes. I'm still on tegretol xr as a mood stabilizer and Seroquel for sleep. I don't think I'll ever stop the levothyroxine. Those are all of my scripts. I only dropped the lamictal. I'm fairly sure the literature is true and that the tegretol was upping the metabolism of the lamictal. I was on the same dose of lamictal for over ten years.

[Wild Coyote]

I hope you feel a lot better soon. Probably takes awhile to get the med completely out of your bloodstream.
Please take good care while adjusting meds.
We are all fond of you.

WC

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I hope you feel a lot better soon. Probably takes awhile to get the med completely out of your bloodstream.
Please take good care while adjusting meds.
We are all fond of you.

WC

Thank you. I highly doubt all of anything is fond of any one thing. I'm not special.
I feel ok. The good "ok," not the BS answer "ok."
I know it's probably not the best time in my life to all someone out. I'm going to try to wait some. Someone from here on PC kind of got to me yesterday and I'm probably going to ask this beautiful woman out from the gym, if anything just to sit and listen to her. I was very averse to the idea because she has a similar name to my ex. That's the weird part. For some reason, I want to tackle her every time I see her, carefully, but I do. I don't know what I'd do after I did, because she'd probably kick my butt, yet the feeling is there. When she talks I don't want to stop listening. It could be infatuation but I don't know. I fought the idea of liking her based on her name. We easily talk for 10 minutes after class and would have more last night but I really got very nervous and had to pee.
I know it's a bad time to even consider this.
Is it ever a good time to lose an opportunity?

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Thank you. I highly doubt all of anything is fond of any one thing. I'm not special.
I feel ok. The good "ok," not the BS answer "ok."
I know it's probably not the best time in my life to all someone out. I'm going to try to wait some. Someone from here on PC kind of got to me yesterday and I'm probably going to ask this beautiful woman out from the gym, if anything just to sit and listen to her. I was very averse to the idea because she has a similar name to my ex. That's the weird part. For some reason, I want to tackle her every time I see her, carefully, but I do. I don't know what I'd do after I did, because she'd probably kick my butt, yet the feeling is there. When she talks I don't want to stop listening. It could be infatuation but I don't know. I fought the idea of liking her based on her name. We easily talk for 10 minutes after class and would have more last night but I really got very nervous and had to pee.
I know it's a bad time to even consider this.
Is it ever a good time to lose an opportunity?

Good luck.

Do not stop taking your levothyroxine. It is a manufactured thyroid hormone that you are taking because your thyroid isn't working properly.