[bizi]

It is all about choices for me.
And making substitutions.
Substitute one activity for the next.
This is where I get bogged down.
Tonight It will be a whole foods night, in the bar playing trivia. Before I have not drank when going there but that is not any fun. If AF I will get a lot of food to eat so as to be doing something there. I don't really play because I am horrible at trivia but it is something to do.
Being on a diet is not any fun either but I try still down 13 pounds.
Drinking fattening beers is not on my diet.
When I drink, I am not supposed to drive.
Before when I was AF...I was able to go to the gym in the evening.
I substituted drinking hot tea this past 2 months over the holidays when at christmas parties etc....in Indiana. I felt like I was hypo thou.
In theory I could start a new hobby.
But instead I post on even more forums and spend hours on the internet.
I have neglected certain aspects of my job for 9 months now. No one is to hold me accountable for doing that kind of paper work, so I don't do it.
That would take up a lot of time and is completely not fun, and I don't want to do it so I don't.
It is charting and creating new charts on the new clients that I see.
I am so far behind, it is daunting.
Now I do a little paper work daily then billing twice a month which takes me a few hours.

For lent I think that I will rejoin planet fitness($10.90 a month) and go after dinner in the evenings, when I would normally be on the computer. Would get home to watch jerry seinfeld with jeff at 9:30.

Being AF, I get better sleep. I am able to stay on my diet and not make bad food choices and don't have to worry about a DUI, or ruining my life.

There is shame involved in my drinking, like I am bad, weak, a moral failure, a lesser human being if I drink.
My therapist doesn't know that I started drinking again.
The last interaction we had was she texted me how proud she is of me...
sigh
I will probably lie to her or let her think that I am AF when I have not been.
I don't want to let her down. It felt good to hear her say she was proud of me....
sigh
My house always needs cleaning...I could do that but I am lazy.
It is more fun to be on the computer...than anything else.
I need to find joy in other activities. I have said for years now that I need to get a life.
Yesterday I had a cancellation so I thought I would stop and have a couple of beers and be ok to drive home.
I could not think of something that I could do or wanted to do to fill up that free time. So I thought about it while driving...and came up with " I have been needing new glasses for years" So I stopped at the store and got my eyes examined and picked out new frames. I am getting 2 pairs. Getting regular/expensive ones for everyday and cheap ones for the computer.
I did not get home until 6;30 so we ate late.
But it gave me something else to do besides drinking so that was good.
I spent $515 dollars on 2 pairs (including the eye exam)so that was not too too bad. I would have spent hundreds more if I had gone to lens crafters.
Sorry for the long post.
Thank you for reading.
Taking each day as it comes.
AF last night=a win.
sigh
must it always be a win/ lose situation....
bizi

[Wild Coyote]

I think you are a very special person!

I am sorry there is shame for you, associated with drinking.

Your post inspires me to re-evaluate my daily and hourly choices.
You've been inspiring me for a few years now, long before I'd signed up here at PC.

I love you unconditionally!
As a "friend," I want to support you always!

You have my love, my admiration and my gratitude!


WC

[Cornucopia]

I just wanted to give you a hug, I feel like I am too new here to know what to write.

But you mention a couple times the word fun and also lazy, regarding what to do and don’t. I actually mentioned this to my doc today- this feeling of having a sick will, like feeling I should be able to do it, I just don’t. That part feels kinda like adhd, when boring stuff is even harder to do. I know cognitively what should be done, but don’t have the willpower or energy to do it. That makes me feel like a faulty human being, and I feel weak.
Problem with that is that is easily makes the racing thought take on a negative spin, and the urge to self-medicate starts growing.

Be honest with your doc and therapist, and be proud of yourself, even when you make bad descisions, it doesn’t make you a bad person. They can help you with therapy and/or adjustment in medication so you hopefully can get the same result as self-medicating would give you.

You are not a failure, nor a less worthy human being. I think the opposite- even with all the hurdles and lemons life throws at us, we are still here. That is something to be proud of.

[bizi]

Thak you both,
you have brought tears to my eyes.
bizi

[Nammu]

((((( hugs)))))) I'm sorry alcohol is such a zero sum prospect for you. It's great you didn't drink and drive tho. Substitute gym for computer sounds like a win. (((((((Hugs)))))))

Your post is sweet, sincere, open--I remember reading some of your posts about a year ago and I really do think you are doing better. You are feeling guilty about drinking but I think you are drinking less now? That is progress!

There have been times in my life when I have drank more than I should. It has been ages since I brought any alcoholic beverages home and unless I am visiting my family (they are on the other side of the country), there is no place I go that has any temptations.

I have been telling myself that I am going to work on cleaning my house, work more, etc. yet here I am again reading a post (it is a habit ). Your post is a reminder that I need to make more progress in this area.

You have made a lot of progress in the past year--do you agree with this? You have the right attitude--you can do this!! You have progressed beyond baby steps! One day at a time!

[~Christina]

I’m not very verbal today , but your choices are amazing !!! Keep it up Bizi !!!!

Very proud of you

[bizi]

Thank you all for your words of support.
I got home early and was able to have jeff drive to whole foods.
I had tried to get together with a friend but she did not text me back until it was too late to do anything. I would have drank hot tea with her, perhaps we would have gone out to eat or to a movie.
There were 2 tables of friends (and some people I did not know) at whole foods it was great fun, had 3 beers over 3 hours. Ate a lot of healthy food and had cho pudding for desert. I have social anxiety when it comes to talking to people in public. The beer helps with that. and it gives me an excuse to drink.
Earlier I had called a friend to discuss a surprise birthday party for our friends 70th birthday. She was at a bar drinking a beer and asked me to come join her, I asked her if she wanted to come to whole foods and she declined. The party is at 8am.
After trivia we went to target to pick out a birth day card and went home where I proceeded to make pop corn. WE ate 2-3 bags, can't remember actually while we watched seinfeld together. I also ate a carmel turtle that jeff picked up.
I am stuffed and tired.
I hope I sleep well tonight.
I don't like having to get up at 7am on a saturday. I am working in the afternoon. It is mardi gras season, many parades to go to and parties to attend. Monday night is the queens parade where our friends make king cakes. I will have decaff coffee there as they always serve that.
they make 3 different king cakes and every one samples each one. It is hard not to endulge but in all seriousness Their king cakes are too bready.
Again there will be people I don't know but I will have a cup of coffee in my hand to be a buffer so to speak.Mardi gras is fat tuesday, the last day of living it up before ash wednesday and the beginning of lent.
It happens to fall on valentines day this year.

Being on the computer takes up a lot of my time. I post on the addictions forum as well as here, and neurotalks bipolar forum as well.
And a nutrition site(spark people) that wants to decrease their drinking in order to lose weight.
I can easily get all hypo going from one forum to the other to face book then emails back to favorites forums etc.
I am online several times a day for at least an hour each time.
We are in the planning stages of fixing up our house. updating the kitchen and bathrooms, foundation repaired, new brick mail box, new front door, electrical wiring, landscaping, maybe sodding the back yard as the grass has all died. work on the drainage in the back yard. Lots of projects, getting ready to close on a new line of credit on the houses equity.
I already see my self getting all worked up over this.
WE cant really do any repairs to sheet rock or cracks and two doors can't shut....we have to have the foundation fixed first which is no fun at all and very expensive. We can at least get a mason to do the mail box so that will be nice. That will happen in the next few weeks.
I think we should sit down, make a list and prioritize which projects to do first. I want to hire a contractor to organize these projects as it is too much for me to deal with. I get hypo thinking about it.
I need to slow down and not rush things. Each project will disrupt our lives.
A new kitchen will require a plumber, an electrician, cabinet maker/installer, painter maybe, granite installers, etc.

I did not drink and drive. 3 drinks in 3 hours is not horrible.
I am not a bad person. I did over eat tonight.
Some how I will tell my therapist that I have been drinking.....
I am actually looking forward to lent.
I am looking forward to taking better care of myself joining a gym again.
bizi

[bizi]

I gave myself a hug and looked in the mirror ans said
'"I am a nice person"
The surprise birthday party was nice. Nicko was very surprised!!!!!
We had gotten him a card and paid for his lunch, there were about 25 people there. Jeff and I split a breakfast.
It is a gloomy day.
I see three people this afternoon for work. Jeff is busy doing errands, changing light bulbs, other things not sure. I am sitting here making hot tea, relaxing before work. He said he would prepare dinner tonight.
Not sure if there is a parade tonight or not, 100% chance of rain.
Don't feel like getting wet.

I used to get great pleasure out of working in my yard. the whole yard screams for attention. I just don't have the energy/desire to tackle it.
It is over whelming.
I think the yard will get damaged when they bring in the big equipment to fix the foundation. Then would be a good time to redo the flower beds. We have been talking about this for years. WE will compile a list of things to do to fix up the place. We aren't planning on selling just fixing things that we have neglected or want to do but never got around to doing them.
bizi

[hopeless2015]

Hi bizi

It sounds like your being kind to yourself right now, that is great, keep it up!!

It also sounds like you are being organized about your renovations, you should be proud of yourself!!

Hugs!!

[bizi]

THe brick layer came and layed the foundation for the brick mail box.
hoping it comes out great! We picked out the painter for the door and made a call to him.
Getting ready to go to a king cake party for lundi gras, the monday before mardi gras. FAt tuesday: a day of drinking and partying before ash wednesday when marks the day of lent, ash wednesday, where I a giving up alcohol and joining a gym.
bizi

[Sunflower123]

I really enjoy your posts (they help me with a problem I am having) and I appreciate them and you. It seems like you are making progress. That's great!

[bizi]

Thank you jenn!
I hope you are well!
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[emgreen]

Laissez le bon temp rouler, bizi! Have a great Fat Tuesday!

[Tucson]

Let the good weather roll? Yes, this is an appropriate post for the OP. I say the same to you, bizi.

[bizi]

We have had king cake and coffee this morning. Will hop into the shower here and get ready to go see the 1pm parade. They block off many of the streets and people set up tents and such, cooking bbqs and selling food and drinks along the way. The university has an area blocked off for faculty and students....giving away bloody marys.
It is a little warmer today, yesterday it was in the 40's today should be in the 50's maybe even 60! today small chance of rain.
Have a good day yall.
bizi

[hopeless2015]

Enjoy the parade and warmer weather today!!

[Wild Coyote]

(((((( bizi ))))))

So sorry you don't like your new bed! We are considering buying from the same manufacturer. I am now reconsidering. 'Cause what if?
Giving it more thought. 50% off sale this month.

Your plan to go AF sounds perfect!
Enjoy the festivities!

WC

[emgreen]

I hope you enjoyed Fat Tuesday, Bizi!

[LadyShadow]

I hope you enjoyed your time yesterday bizi! I am sorry I am late to the party on your thread, but you have been very instrumental in my recovery, since I am always draw inspiration from your posts.

Fight the good fight! I am right there with you!