[amicus_curiae]

For almost 40 years I have vacillated between my mental disorders controlling me and controlling my mental disorders; the latter with help from drugs and therapy. For 20 of those years I lived what I thought was a fairly ‘normal’ life — I cared about others, I cared about social injustice, I continued an education that would give me the skill-sets to fight that which I saw as evil; I had hopes of a better world.

But then I succumbed to severe MDD and psychosis for almost 20 years and it took me a few years to overcome the depression and to welcome mania and psychosis as an alternative to the depressive state. I do pretty well. Until I don’t.

On April 20, 1999, I was enjoying my first stint in a mental health facility. The giant projection-screen televisions in the giant television room began to tell a tale of murders at a Colorado high school. Several of us ate and slept in the television room during the next few days. The incident wasn’t a Charles Whitman moment, not even a Richard Speck moment: this was something new. When the staff tried to remove we three remaining, we ‘acted out.’ I remember tapioca pudding on glass walls. We stayed.

I wish that I could explain. Explain why Columbine affected me so, how the incident took me out of myself and influenced both the mania and the depression. Influenced my decision that it was best to withdraw and stay mute. I have no explanations.

What follows may be vague.

I’m tired of being the mental disorder freak. What I am really tired of is being the ever-self-absorbed mentally-disordered victim. I’m sick of prioritising the ego/me that continues to live and breathe over those of the dead victims that We Never See because we are not equipped to See the Horror. Out of respect for the dead? I don’t buy that — teenaged murderers took away any respect that the dead had by taking their lives. Let us see the carnage. Let us witness the Horror. Let’s not worship the remnant husks but rather let loose with images and tell the whole story be just as sickened as we should be. Let Our Children See The Real Bloody Mess. Let There Be Nightmares.

I want everyone to be so haunted that they can only whisper.

I am more than a collection of disorders. I have skills beyond continuous rumination upon myself. These Parkland killings have made me realise that there are other causes, beyond my own, that need championing and work.

The NRA began building the American gun culture in 1977. We take away the guns before dealing with the tortured culture. This is what I have to say about American mass murder and mental illness: Of course, you have to be nuts to go on a murderous rampage, yes? But being nuts does not mean forfeiting one’s God Given Right to legally purchase assault weapons. Go figure.

Nuts. This is no ‘political’ discussion or debate. Some of us — here — present as being harmful towards ourselves or to others. Some of us could be outfitted as Rambo and never think of putting a finger on a trigger. And, yet, we are all in the broad “Mentally Ill” stroke that are purported to be the root cause of mass murder.

Figures. I am having trouble, these days, with figures. 17 dead in Parkland? 19 pre-election women accusing our president of sexual harassment? 17 U.S. intelligence agencies?

With the help of friends, I’ve reinstated bar privileges lost due the non-payment of fees. Research and writing were my stronger suits (pun). My first Ha-Ha of the day was in listening to an NRA spokesperson saying that the framers intent for a “well regulated Militia” meant that every man and woman had a Constitutional right to possess a firearm.

Women? Armed? In militias (great or small)? Um, no.

LISTEN: my case manager, an R.N., believes that the students now speaking out against gun violence are actors. We don’t utilise the same news outlets. She believes that hundreds of teenage actors were used, today, to ‘simulate’ walkouts in two Florida high school. She harbours doubts over the number slain in Sandy Hook. Oh, and ‘Parkland’ parents are the same ‘Sandy Hook’ parents-actors. Today, I told her that she fit the criteria for delusional thinking just as fully as myself — and she does — and she became almost violent before walking out. Oh. She also believes that our president has never lied (she says that he is always truthful but that not all are capable of being able to ‘handle’ the truth... shades of Jack Nicholson).

Are 36-40% of Americans similar to my case manager? Completely in thrall of “an idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality or rational argument, typically a symptom of mental disorder.”

What can I do if I cannot even convince my case manager that she is delusional? I don’t know. Get off of my *** and do what I was trained to do, I guess. Or, at least, make an effort to go beyond, well, myself.

Gawd knows that this is no goodbye msg — if anything, I might be here more often! — and I am certainly not making a case that those in need of support for mental disorders, or even those in need of giving such support, are selfish! I’m only making a very, very personal case for myself: I need to be more involved with those more in need than myself. Those somethings that I once tried to right. It’s time for me to begin, again.

In summation, I need to quote the most incredible woman of my lifetime, Chrissie Hynde, “It is time to stop all of your sobbing.” I won’t, of course. I will always mourn the 14-year-old dead of a shot to the head, a fusillade rained down upon the 54-year-old. But I’m going to try — try — to stop the sobbing for myself.

I am done with it — done with the fear of my death. I am choosing to make an attempt to allow others a right to life.

P.S. Jesus Christ. Listening to the CNN ‘town hall;’ the solution that is being proposed is to incarcerate our kids in their school buildings. Armed guards, armed teachers, lock-downs, lock-outs, bomb-sniffing dogs, metal detectors, on and on and this is to be an armed education system? Words fail me.

[Standup2me]

An evaluation of self or a re-evaluation?

[~Christina]

I think seeing a Therapist to help you unwind your brain to allow you some peace would do you a lot of good , if I missed ( I’m sorry) it and you are already seeing a Therapist “ maybe” you need a new one to see if it’s a better fit and can help you settle.

[amicus_curiae]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I think seeing a Therapist to help you unwind your brain to allow you some peace would do you a lot of good , if I missed ( I’m sorry) it and you are already seeing a Therapist “ maybe” you need a new one to see if it’s a better fit and can help you settle.

I’m on a temporary holiday from therapy.

Almost 6 years with the same therapist but my Paratransit service no longer accepts Medicaid so I must find someone closer.

I sleep really well. Just not for long.

You know, I don’t want to unwind, really. I don’t want peace.

I need to get control of my mania, certainly. But I’ll still be raging.

[amicus_curiae]

Originally Posted by Standup2me

An evaluation of self or a re-evaluation?

Oh, golly, I live-and-breathe re-evaluation; I mean, I have to, right?

I’m too *******ed old for an ‘evaluation,’ I think.

I would be a frozen mute if I stopped these re-evaluations.

Sometimes I forgo my oatmeal and tea and enjoy bran flakes and dark, dark coffees from Ethiopian beans.

I’ve been putting off my search for a new therapist —>> not a lot of inner-city t’s hangin’ around. I’m a month away from being out of meds, so I need to prioritise these things. I gotta go lower on the manic bar, first.

Fantasies/delusions of 1. I find a new therapist! But, 2. I’m stuck before I start because I’m never sure how to begin. Some therapists want to know your current diagnoses and medications and they go from there. Others want to make their own diagnoses.

I have company tonight. She’s asleep, now, and I’m flying low.

[Artchic528]

I second seeing a T to process through your thoughts and unwind them a bit. Good luck!