[piano97]

Yesterday I had a great day. I got things done, I ate well, got enough sleep, got some exercise, worked in my garden some cleaning things up for Spring.

Last night, as the night went on, I felt myself ramping up. It was not a bad feeling, I actually kind of liked it. It was like a change of vibration in my body and it felt good.

I could not fall asleep though. I was really wired, and the only thing I can think of that caused it was the exercise buzz I had in the early afternoon.

I got up and took some seroquel PRN. I eventually did get to sleep and probably didn't get enough but that's OK.

I woke up fine this morning, tired but fine. I ended up laying down for a little bit and did sleep for probably about an hour.

I had phone calls and emails and bills to take care of today. I was on the phone with health insurance company for a little while, and then homeowner's insurance (because it's about to renew). And a medical bill I had paid on but had gotten a threat to report to credit bureau if I didn't pay within 10 days. I got that notice several days back and was not worried about it at all. They had sent it during the window I made the payment so it was just mail getting crossed.

Anyhow, so I worked on those things for a couple hours total, and increasing felt agitated and uncomfortable. I get that feeling sometimes where it feels like my chest is going to explode, I'm not sure how to describe it really. It's uncomfortable though and I can't really sit still and my thoughts go on overdrive.

I decided to take a PRN and make myself lay down. I did, and I did fall asleep for maybe a half hour. I feel better some, but still feel like my body is on the outside looking in and there's this uncomfortable energy.

What is happening today I think is a problem with resiliency. Small things throw me off. Not always, but sometimes. And I can't predict it. It starts, it snowballs, and then I struggle for a few days or part of days.

It's very frustrating and when it happens, I get this additional uncomfortability that no one understands. That makes me pissed off, and only worsens things. It is very frustrating. I have 'good' and 'ok' stretches and I'm thankful for that. They last a week or two, sometimes several. I've been doing OK overall I think for probably a month.

But sometimes basic stressors/stimuli throws me off and it takes several days for it to settle back down. Sometimes longer. And I know that it makes me worry, when this happens, that things might slide off the skids.

As I said, I don't feel like anyone understands and it's a waste to even try to explain. Which makes more prone to isolate. It seems like family/friends think that if I tell them I'm doing OK, and I seem OK, that that means I'm 'healed' and that bipolar is fine and managed. And it often is, for that time, but I could be thrown off track in a matter of hours. This is rare, but it's very true, and that's exactly what I'm experiencing today.

I don't know. I have been cycling some but not concerned with. I know last week I was sleeping way more than usual but seemed like it settled out and I was fine, cycling doesn't always mean I'm unstable. It's part of the illness. And in general, my doctor and I have made great progress on the cycling. I used to have huge swings, sometimes within the same week or even same day. That went on for a long time until I met Seroquel.

So I'm rambling some but this has helped me some too to write it out. I'm OK, this will pass. It just seems so cruel to have a good stretch for a couple weeks, and like I said, yesterday was awesome. Best overall day I've had in awhile. And to be smacked in the face today, it is very frustrating. It's as if my illness is saying "NOPE, I'm still here, ready to fu'' you up anytime I choose''.

This is a resiliency problem. A lack of ability to handle and manage stressors that to others would be no big deal. And it's not all the time, but when it happens I hate it with a passion.

I have made good progress the last couple months. Why the fu'' can't I recover from this illness in full, and have a normal life???

And then it makes me so pissed off that my support network has no understanding of this kind of stuff. I saw my mom a few days ago and we had a great time. If I called her today and told her about this, she would say "well you were fine on Sunday, what are you not doing that caused this"? I didn't do anything wrong! It just happened, and is as surprising to me as it would be to outside observers.

Dear Bipolar, I despise you.

[Nola0250]

I would like to raise my hand and say me too!

[Merlin]

Me three! Bipolar is a cruel illness.