[wildflowerchild25]

So I enjoyed a nice five days of euphoric hypomania, Longest time I’ve had in four years. Now that has ended and I am in hell. I have not slept much this past 7 days, I have drank way too often and way too much. I have not taken night meds regularly because I’ve been drinking. All terrible decisions. And perhaps the worst decision, or it could turn out to be the best, has been to go on tinder. I have met someone I really like. I mean, really, really like. Even now as the hypomania fades away. And it seems he likes me too. We are meeting in person tomorrow for the first time.

However, it also seems that this has triggered an explosion inside my head. Anxiety has skyrocketed. It is possible that I am not ready to feel so intensely for a man, and have him reciprocate. It seems I am now feeling all the pain of my husband’s abandonment and it is manifesting as anxiety. I am terrified that this will turn into something real and I will lose him too. Among other things.

I’m not eating and not sleeping. The anxiety is killing me. I’m wondering if taking Ativan twice a day (as it has been prescribed) as a regular thing instead of just as needed might stave off some of this torture until I can wrap my head around it and get a grip on myself. If I ever ****ing do.

Maybe all my feelings for him were hypomania induced anyway and it doesn’t even matter. Maybe after meeting him in person we won’t click. Or maybe I should just pre-emptively end it. I don’t want to do that though. I’ve been alone for so long. But it’s selfish to drag someone else into my hurricane. Especially when that killed my husband (so I believe).

Thank god I have therapy tomorrow.

EDIT: I also spent the night paranoid that he was a murderer or rapist looking to attack me and my police paranoia is THROUGH THE ROOF. Something is not ****ing right. And my school will be crawling with police on Wednesday. Uuuugh.

[Northchild]

Forgive me for being forward, but it doesn't sound like you're ready for a romantic relationship. A casual encounter, maybe, if you're an adult, you're safe about it, and you're pretty sure that you can deal with the possible emotional fallout from that - some people do better than others with that sort of thing.

Take good care of yourself, as soon as you're able to. It's good to hear that you're in therapy and that you're at least aware that you probably need a stable med routine. If you can spend more time with people who know you and who care about you and your health, then now's the time to do that.

You mentioned your husband's abandonment. Grief is a funny thing and the way that we experience it can vary a little from person to person, but it's something that we do have to eventually work through or it can poison everything we think, say, or do. I'm sure that your therapist is helping you out with this, but be extra mindful of it, especially during these difficult times.

I hope that you feel better soon.

[~Christina]

Aww hun,

Sorry the rug has been ripped from under you and the crap comes falling out.

I say if you want just meet this fellow ,then do so ... if he’s just not a potential fellow then at least you dipped a toe or two in.

Can you stop the drinking and get back on your meds ? You need a schedule to level back out.

Many many for you

[Tucson]

I also do not think you are ready for dating. I know what it is like going many many years without someone of the opposite sex in my life. Also, by the way you really like this stranger, I mean guy, just by meeting him, this can initiate the dating relationship with him. The question is can you trust yourself in your current state of mind to do the right thing, whatever that may be. You seem pretty vulnerable right now, with perhaps a bit of needyness on your part. If I am correct, IMO this is not a good combination of feelings to have when meeting someone new for the first time that you already think you really like.

I think yes on taking the Ativan as prescribed and call the pdoc with the symptoms and meds off-track.

I would tell the guy you’re sick to give yourself some time.

[jacky8807]

I don't have much advice as I am feeling an actual wreck myself but I do hope you find a way to feel better. Adding a guy into the mix now might be too much idk. Go with your gut and also do what you need to do to be better first.
good luck

[amicus_curiae]

I’m not really internet-savvy, but isn’t Tinder a place for finding sex-with-no-commitments?

Man, I’m so afraid of abandonment that just reading the word makes me ill. I’m truly sorry about that - my wife abandoned me.

Now maybe I shouldn’t say this - knowing nothing about Tinder - but I wouldn’t be looking for romance with someone that you only know via the internet. What if he stinks? Smells awful, like something dead? What if he’s a horrible kisser? I’ll tell you right now - kissing is the best thing about life.

So do you have sex with the guy? What if he’s really, really short? Or morbidly obese? No, I think that you should become a romantic snail and move slowly.

[liveforsummer]

Wildflowerchild25
I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time. You mentioned you have therapy today. IMO maybe just hold off on all decisions until you can talk to your therapist to help work through your decision process. Take care.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Aww hun,

Sorry the rug has been ripped from under you and the crap comes falling out.

I say if you want just meet this fellow ,then do so ... if he’s just not a potential fellow then at least you dipped a toe or two in.

Can you stop the drinking and get back on your meds ? You need a schedule to level back out.

Many many for you

I won’t drink this week at least. The only reason I didn’t take my meds was because I was drinking and I don’t like to combine. So I’ll definitely get back on track with meds! Don’t worry about that.

Thank you for your encouragement, friend!

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by amicus_curiae

I’m not really internet-savvy, but isn’t Tinder a place for finding sex-with-no-commitments?

Man, I’m so afraid of abandonment that just reading the word makes me ill. I’m truly sorry about that - my wife abandoned me.

Now maybe I shouldn’t say this - knowing nothing about Tinder - but I wouldn’t be looking for romance with someone that you only know via the internet. What if he stinks? Smells awful, like something dead? What if he’s a horrible kisser? I’ll tell you right now - kissing is the best thing about life.

So do you have sex with the guy? What if he’s really, really short? Or morbidly obese? No, I think that you should become a romantic snail and move slowly.

Tinder does have that reputation but that’s not why I was there. Apparently that’s not all it’s about anymore. But I knew I’d have to wade through some ****. I wasn’t looking for just a hookup, but neither was I looking for a serious relationship. I was just looking for someone to talk to and maybe go out on a date with.

As for dating from the internet for me it’s the only way I’d ever meet people as I’m basically a hermit and never go out. So I’m not neervous about that except for the aforementioned panic attack about him being an attacker. However that could happen with someone you meet in real life too.

And I’ve FaceTimed with him so I know he’s who his pictures say he is. But you’re absolutely right, you have to be cautious.

I’m not going to have sex with him though. I might have if I were still hypomanic but I’m of a semi-clearer mind now. He CLAIMS he’s not looking for a hookup either but, trust issues. I know how to punch a guy in the nose though.

[wildflowerchild25]

Regarding everyone’s concerns about me not being ready for all this: you are all absolutely right, and I’m going to let him know that tonight. Not that we can’t see each other but that it can’t be so intense. We need to take things slow. Like super slow, at least until I can get some sort of stability, if that ever happens again. Right now I’m not hopeful.

I’m gonna talk to my t today and see what she has to say about all this. Probably the same as you all lol.

[cool09]

You are very strong.

Sorry you're struggling.

I'm glad to hear that you will let him know your desire to take things slow. You always have to take care of your son and yourself first. Hopefully he will respect that and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Wishing you the best of luck.

P.S. If you're really frightened of him being a "bad" person, you can always look him up. Any prison records etc. will 100% show up because that is public information. You can check Family Watchdog, too: https://www.familywatchdog.us That'll show rapists, criminal records (including breaking and entering), etc.. Just enter the name and you should get that info. Best of luck!

[Blueberrybook]

I am not a doctor and new here, but my immediate advice is to get off tinder. You are not in a place to start any sort of romantic relationship, definitely not one that may have been induced by hypomania.

Take your medication as prescribed. Don’t drink alcohol or do drugs. Try to see a psychiatrist ASAP. Get sleep, even if you have to miss school or work to get it. If you have meds for sleep, use them.

If you have chamomile tea around, drink it. It may help with anxiety at least a little. It sounds like you know you need help. Don’t wait for it; get it ASAP.

And a big NO to continuing any type of relationship, even a friendship with the guy on Tinder. Tell him you have life issues right now and will get back in touch (should you choose it) once you have taken care of all that is going on in your life right now. No, no, no to any relationship with him. No taking it slow. No communication. You need to work on YOU right now.

[wildflowerchild25]

I appreciate what everyone has said. My t had some words of wisdom as well. I’m too exhausted to type it here but she was supportive of the potential relationship and said that if nothing else it would only help me work through my Trauma by identifying triggers and pushing through them using skills. She also said that it’s not for me to decide for him what he can handle; that only he can decide that. And I might end up getting hurt but sometimes you have to risk things. Something like that anyway.

So I went out with the guy and he did not attack me or kidnap me. He did not try to be fresh with me. We kissed and held hands but that’s it. It was very pleasant.

I have so much to work on and I’m so overwhelmed but it feels nice that someone might be in my corner. I just don’t want to depend on him to be my caretaker. I can take care of myself.

[Nammu]

Sounds like a really helpful T!

[~Christina]

I’m glad you went ! Your T also sounds very logical and helpful.

Have faith in yourself

[bizi]

I am glad that he was nice to you!
bizi

Oh, it’s so good to hear good news