[tom-qatar]

I can see myself having future, a momentary wild and fun future but never a settled one. Something I have accepted is not in my path. I’m going to be practically single for the rest of my life. The closet thing to a real relationship I can ever have are people that I can relate to. Being around them is the only way life is livable, you don’t feel alone, you don’t feel an outcast. It’s been a life long search to feel accepted as just ones self.

The most painful thing right now is the tease. Finally finding that place of content, having it in sight but never in grasp.

I wake up knowing I have no settled future. This momentary future that works for me has its requirements. 1 I need my people around me - I need to feel as part of a ‘normal’. I need to be able to feel not alone in this world and able to enjoy others company. It’s what makes me humble, fills the void that materialism used to fill.

The rest of it: requires money; 2 I need to be able to be creative so my brain can flourish, without this I feel like I’m a crazy hyperactive dog locked in a cage with a muzzle. A muzzle being an anecdote for my own in house personality suppressant due to my past behavior looking back at periods in mania.

3 Things needs to be simple and easy - my medication drains my whole body of its energy, usually just the though of doing something practical takes up most of what I have.

4 And of course I need to look good to feel good - when I feel alone i not so much blame but hold accountable my own personally for being this way and in these moments my looks are probably the only thing I hold on to and cherish about myself.

Living by the moment is the only practical impractical solution. From the moment that I’m conscious I drown into this awareness until I can force myself to open my eyes. 1,2,3,4 times usually I force my eyes back shut hoping for life to just go away.

I live in the constant battle- trying to take each moment at a time is difficult when your mind tries to forward plan everything. It’s not so much racing thoughts but a defense mechanism. I was always told to be ‘realistic’. Optimism isn’t being realistic. And I know I’m far from stupid. I have proof of this - a straight A* student. In my world being optimistic really is stupid.

It’s actually falling into this stupid optimism that gets be out of bed in the morning. The whole ‘maybe somethings going to work out today’. And as that day unravels the cycle of disappointing events continues as becomes one extra thing to add on the list for not wanting to wake up tomorrow.

I imagine this being like Newton’s cradle. Hope knocks you into the world and every time you just come slamming back harder and harder - and unfortunately you will never break.

‘Unfortunately you will never break’. This is the hardest thing to cope with. In good times and times of being content, everything can be forgotten. In dark times you’re just left with 2 options. Option 1 you can fight it - just the mere though of the energy requirement is enough to drag you deeper into mental oblivion. All you want now and more is Option 2. Option 2 is not available ‘Unfortunately you will never break’.

Option 2 is not so much as pessimism or depression. In the outside perspective of being realistic it’s the ultimate defense.

[Nola0250]

I can relate! I know that only helps to a certain extent.

[luvyrself]

Originally Posted by tom-qatar

I can see myself having future, a momentary wild and fun future but never a settled one. Something I have accepted is not in my path. I’m going to be practically single for the rest of my life. The closet thing to a real relationship I can ever have are people that I can relate to. Being around them is the only way life is livable, you don’t feel alone, you don’t feel an outcast. It’s been a life long search to feel accepted as just ones self.

The most painful thing right now is the tease. Finally finding that place of content, having it in sight but never in grasp.

I wake up knowing I have no settled future. This momentary future that works for me has its requirements. 1 I need my people around me - I need to feel as part of a ‘normal’. I need to be able to feel not alone in this world and able to enjoy others company. It’s what makes me humble, fills the void that materialism used to fill.

The rest of it: requires money; 2 I need to be able to be creative so my brain can flourish, without this I feel like I’m a crazy hyperactive dog locked in a cage with a muzzle. A muzzle being an anecdote for my own in house personality suppressant due to my past behavior looking back at periods in mania.

3 Things needs to be simple and easy - my medication drains my whole body of its energy, usually just the though of doing something practical takes up most of what I have.

4 And of course I need to look good to feel good - when I feel alone i not so much blame but hold accountable my own personally for being this way and in these moments my looks are probably the only thing I hold on to and cherish about myself.

Living by the moment is the only practical impractical solution. From the moment that I’m conscious I drown into this awareness until I can force myself to open my eyes. 1,2,3,4 times usually I force my eyes back shut hoping for life to just go away.

I live in the constant battle- trying to take each moment at a time is difficult when your mind tries to forward plan everything. It’s not so much racing thoughts but a defense mechanism. I was always told to be ‘realistic’. Optimism isn’t being realistic. And I know I’m far from stupid. I have proof of this - a straight A* student. In my world being optimistic really is stupid.

It’s actually falling into this stupid optimism that gets be out of bed in the morning. The whole ‘maybe somethings going to work out today’. And as that day unravels the cycle of disappointing events continues as becomes one extra thing to add on the list for not wanting to wake up tomorrow.

I imagine this being like Newton’s cradle. Hope knocks you into the world and every time you just come slamming back harder and harder - and unfortunately you will never break.

‘Unfortunately you will never break’. This is the hardest thing to cope with. In good times and times of being content, everything can be forgotten. In dark times you’re just left with 2 options. Option 1 you can fight it - just the mere though of the energy requirement is enough to drag you deeper into mental oblivion. All you want now and more is Option 2. Option 2 is not available ‘Unfortunately you will never break’.

Option 2 is not so much as pessimism or depression. In the outside perspective of being realistic it’s the ultimate defense.

—-many famous writers are bipolar. This is outstanding. I am not saying that u should be a writer, just saying that you r a very strong communicator and you r helping people by sharing this. Don’t stop reaching out. Sometimes that’s what it takes to make things worthwhile.

[Travelinglady]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central, tom-qatar! Hope and knowing that I will cope with what life hands me keeps me going. I am bipolar, but I am married and have children and money. We never know for sure what will happen. I do have the worry, though, that any time my symptoms can return.

[pirilin]

Mostly people with bipolar.