[Shazerac]

Do you remember who you were before you got officially “diagnosed?” Do you think you’re a “better” person now? Or more stable, or whatever they call it?

Sometimes I wonder if I “got better” or did I just knuckle under and behave like society expected me too. I was pretty wild and crazy in my younger days. I would get on a plane and leave the country on a whim. I traveled the world, experienced many different cultures, and met fascinating people along the way. I had many torrid affairs 2 of which ended up with kids. I wouldn’t want that to be different. I could have done without the depression, impulsiveness, and self destructive behavior. But it’s part of who I am now.

I’m not sure that I’ve mellowed with age or am just too tired to raise a ruckus anymore. Lately I’ve been feeling pretty calm and content. I don’t feel up or down. My idea of rebellion these days is going to the mailbox in my pajamas. Maybe I should branch out and walk around the block in my pajamas?

I don’t seem to have this overwhelming need to rage against the machine anymore. Is that a good thing?

[Unrigged64072835]

Yeah I remember who I was--and I caused a lot of damage to people who were close to me.

I have some level of stability after 3 years of med roulette. I'm much calmer, less impulsive, and don't have soul-crushing depression. So yeah, I'm better now.

As for society's expectations--I've found myself more likely to say "up yours" to them.

[Guiness187055]

Yes, I was very successful in the business world and made a lot of money. But I sabotaged everything and hurt a lot of loved ones without meds.

[Rosalba]

Possibly on the grounds that you were so bustling changing yourself the way all are with the goal that you may remain in the middle. They need you to take a selfie however in which you won't reflect yourself, they instruct you to resemble them on act of false conventions they've made.

[Miss Laura]

Yes I had a full time job and lots of responsibility. I had friends. I had a social life. I had respect for myself.

I do through all this believe I have gotten better in some respects. But I'm a long way away from being stable. I'm better at understanding my moods and feel I have gotten better at communicating with others. But I'm definetly needing to improve in all areas

[pirilin]

Originally Posted by Guiness187055

Yes, I was very successful in the business world and made a lot of money. But I sabotaged everything and hurt a lot of loved ones without meds.

^^^ Ditto.

Only now I realize most of them deserved it.

[BipolaRNurse]

Sometimes I miss the "old" me. I was full of exuberance and unappeasable joy...until I wasn't. Then I'd fall off the edge of the world and into despair, or worse, become angry and vengeful. I did some irreparable damage to my finances and relationships when I was manic, and became suicidal in depression.

Those things don't happen anymore. The "new" me is calm, quieter, and reasonable. I don't throw screaming fits in front of a busy restaurant in the rain. I don't have suicidal ideation. I don't overspend money I don't have. It's dull and boring sometimes, and sometimes I wish for a real rip-roarin' mania where I'm ten feet tall and bulletproof. But I know this is best, and for the most part I'm med-compliant. I could use some improvement in living a healthy lifestyle, but I'm reasonably content with my life and it's pretty low-stress.

I remember who I was before meds, during my worst years, soon after, and now. There were things about myself and life in the past that I like better than my current self/life, and vice versa. I certainly hated my life during my worst years, but it would be unfair to say I disliked myself of that time. I was very I'll. It mostly not my fault.

I'm not the productive contributor that I was as a younger woman, but I'm no longer the Tasmanian devil I was. I feel equally if not more creative now than I was before medications. Really!

I've grown to appreciate my current stability. Maybe with age I don't miss the elation and/or overdrive I had pre-medications. I guess I'd be lying if I said I no longer wish I still had...some of what I had...or what I think I might have had, if I hadn't become so sick. I have learned that "should haves", "could haves" and "would haves" don't do me any good thinking about. The thing is that I can "still have" plenty.

[emgreen]

There seems to be a common theme running through some of the responses. I had a pretty successful career that entailed taking some risks but, in the end, I took too many & wound up hurting others' well-being (both on the job & in my personal life). I often feel all washed-up & guilty now.

[twistypringle98]

I remember myself, yes, and hated who I was. I was conceited and made up things impulsively out of what I think was spite. Not to spite the people I was interacting with.

Some might wonder why I lied, and I don't really know. It's one of those things I wish whole-heartedly I could take back. Maybe I was ashamed of who I was or was becoming. I pretty much feel shame for the months leading up to when I was diagnosed. I embarrassed myself and other people, and I ended up in a situation where I'm stuck.

[Fuzzybear]

I think I’ve always been fuzzy

I think maybe this suffering has made me a “better person” .. but it sucks being me

But the carousel (without meds) makes me very tired

I still haven’t found the perfect razor. IF I do I can walk to the mail box in my pyjamas without scaring the neighbours too much

[Christopher1990]

I miss not thinking so much. Everything came easy I had so many friends. But I was only 13 when I got dx so I've had to live most my life like this.

[downandlonely]

Yeah I was diagnosed at 14, but I was depressed before that.

[wiretwister]

thats a good question ... I am not as happy as I was ... not as free ... but I have learned that I used to scare people ... I no longer do that ... I do not get as angry ... I am not as hard on myself as I used to be ... I see myself as damaged ... so that is bad ... I am becoming very forgetful ... prob the meds ... maybe the age ... that is bad ... my anxiety which was 0 six years ago ... then 100 the last 5 .. is now under control ... I have stopped using xanex ... thats good ... I still have no social outside life and no outlet but my "girls" and their music ... thats bad ... I have not kept score ...

do I remember before dx ... yes I do ... can I ever go back there ... no I can not ... is that good or bad ... I have no idea ... why did you bring this up so depressing ... Tigger ..

[VerMOZZica]

I remember who I was. I was a much more free person before this illness. I was better at showing my affection to people. Now I don`t like to be touched. This illness has made me a more isolated person but I was never one that enjoyed the spotlight.

[amicus_curiae]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

Do you remember who you were before you got officially “diagnosed?” Do you think you’re a “better” person now? Or more stable, or whatever they call it?

Sometimes I wonder if I “got better” or did I just knuckle under and behave like society expected me too. I was pretty wild and crazy in my younger days. I would get on a plane and leave the country on a whim. I traveled the world, experienced many different cultures, and met fascinating people along the way. I had many torrid affairs 2 of which ended up with kids. I wouldn’t want that to be different. I could have done without the depression, impulsiveness, and self destructive behavior. But it’s part of who I am now.

I’m not sure that I’ve mellowed with age or am just too tired to raise a ruckus anymore. Lately I’ve been feeling pretty calm and content. I don’t feel up or down. My idea of rebellion these days is going to the mailbox in my pajamas. Maybe I should branch out and walk around the block in my pajamas?

I don’t seem to have this overwhelming need to rage against the machine anymore. Is that a good thing?

Yes, I remember. I must have seen you across the aisle! I had money and after Europe started to bore me, I started crashing Asia. Tokyo was fascinating. I crashed with consulate friends in Thailand — they had five servants. I was overly sexually active and I would try any drugs (I didn’t drink, never have) but the only two that I continued to use were acid and weed. I still smoke weed for medicinal use.

I was diagnosed after my inappropriate behavior became a big problem. It wasn’t like an on/off switch. I fought my disorders for a long time.

Better now than back then? Much different. I’m still ****ing sick but I’m able to — control — myself, now. I still need psychiatric care just as I need cardiac care. I do not think that I’m a better person, just more stable, maybe. When I look back on my (dozens and dozens) of torrid sexual indiscretions and all of that crap, I’m better now.

Yes, if I were you, I’d stroll to the mailbox in your pajamas! I still struggle with ups and downs. I can’t seem to let my guard down, yet my rage is greater now (just not as effective). I want to say that my symptoms have subsided but there’s no truth in that.

I need to get back on the manic/delusional train. That’s where I find the most comfort.

[*Laurie*]

I believe that I was born with bipolar disorder. The symptoms have been with me for as long as I can remember. When I was finally diagnosed it felt like a tremendous relief. I felt like I finally "fit" somewhere, that I wasn't all alone.

[~Christina]

I’m the same person , my T and I worked backwards and I was showing signs around age 6

When I was diagnosed at age 43 I thought for a minute and said “ Oooooo that explains a lot “ LMAO

I’m still me nothing has changed Im paddling through good times and bad. Right now it’s just very bad.

back then I was heavily abused by my family, had no clear plans for the future/ goals, but their was never enough hours in a day... every day was exciting- not because I was doing something, but because it was life and I could just take it all for granted. had no real friends, but that was okay- just entertained myself. bit of a couch potato too

now I don't care about my future, the day's are too long, I still have no friends and I'm a couch potato

and still being heavily abused by family (though not as much as I've moved away)
have no qualifications, no prospects, no goals

not much has changed..