Eh

jtassar93 · May 20, 2018, 07:19 PM

I think I'm mixed right now. I'm full of energy. I have been doing more things than normal. Actually leaving my house. Not sleeping as much. But at the same time I feel so depressed. I want to die. Like honestly, want to die. I hate myself so much but feel so up at the same time. I don't sleep at night. It takes forever to fall asleep and then I wake up a million times in the middle of the night and then end up getting up at like 5:00am. Then sometimes when I feel 'calmer' I can take a one hour nap in the middle of the day.

There is just so much going on right now. I was recently put on abilify. I'm still seeing and hearing things occasionally. Which is scary and really sucks. I feel paranoid. Just so much. I feel great and hate myself. I like NEVER leave the house except for appointments but I have been going out. Nothing that risky yet so I know it's not full blown right now. Plus I think I'm actually recognizing what's going on so that's good? I don't know.

I had an appointment awhile ago and was supposed to go back in 2 weeks but I don't have a ride there because my mom has to work on the only days my doctor is there. So I have to wait 2 more weeks, making it a whole month.

On the bright side I actually like my new doctor. She seems to really care and is putting in effort instead of ignoring me. I'm on lithium, valium and abilify right now. I don't think it's all working though. She said the amount of valium I'm on isn't good so we're going to change that soon.

Another thing that is bothering me is that I have no idea how insurance works. I'm still under my step father's insurance. There's a website that says how much we have paid out of the deductible. I checked like a week ago and I was about half way there to paying that off so I would only have to pay the copay on meds instead of $100 each. But now it changed and shows like $27 out of the total. It's killing me financially. My mom can't help and I just rely on my SSI checks and I have to pay hospital bills and rent and etc and I can't afford to keep paying for all these meds.

Sorry this was long. I'm home alone 90 percent of the time and have no one to talk to and I needed to rant. There's probably way more too unfortunately.

jtassar93 · May 20, 2018, 07:46 PM

I don't know why I post anyways. I doubt anyone really cares. I guess typing it out help me. Who know. I feel so alone. I have a history of self harming. I haven't in awhile. But I have been feeling like I need to lately. That and over medicating. I don't know

Wild Coyote · May 20, 2018, 08:25 PM

Of course we care!

I enjoy reading your updates.

I am glad you FINALLY have a decent pdoc!

You write you are feeling "mixed." You also write about recently starting Abilify. It is possible the Abilify is agitating you. Please call your doctor and report these changes. (I am not a licensed health professional, by the way.) Please seek input from your prescribing doctor.

I hope you can find a distraction strong enough to keep you from self-harming.

Rant away! That's what we are here for!

Great to hear from you!

WC

BeyondtheRainbow · May 20, 2018, 09:37 PM

Rx Outreach | Patient Assistance Program, Discount Prescription Drugs can get your meds at a much reduced fee. They don't have everything but they probably have abiliy and lithium. If you don't qualify appeal citing your low income and need to pay rent etc. They helped me immensely when I wasn't insured.

jtassar93 · May 20, 2018, 10:20 PM

I’m supposed to call my doctor Tuesday to make my appointment for the next week. I’ll have my mom tell her then. She said she might want to increase it over the phone. I just feel horrible. The urges are strong.

And thanks beyondtherainbow. I’ll look into it