[tecomsin]

I don't want to say what I am doing that is wrong. I know it is wrong, deeply so, and I do it anyway out of impulse. I'm not talking about my weed addiction. That doesn't cause me shame.

It is something else that I need help to stop doing. I am deeply unhappy and in the moment when i am doing the wrong thing, I feel some temporary relief as if I could squeeze the badness out of life for just a moment. But it is only momentary relief and then I feel that I am a bad person and it is true. Then I try to put it out of mind and pretend to myself that i didn't do what I just did.

It is something that started up in the last half year or so. It isn't a life long pattern so I think it would be possible to stop.

Can anyone relate?

[SorryShaped]

If you know it's a problem, get the right help. Do not try to go addiction alone

[tecomsin]

Hi SorryShaped,

Thanks for answering. I am feeling so alone with this problem. It isn't an addiction.

I don't know how to get help with it because I am afraid to talk about it. Let's say that the problem were that I was physically abusing my child (this isn't it). Just to repeat, this is not what my problem is. It is just a hypothetical.

Now if I talk about it to anyone they will take away that child and I would be shamed even further than I am already and everyone here would look down on me. So there are problems that are very difficult to get help with.

[SorryShaped]

I'll tell you this to maybe help you get some strength to work on your problem. I'm a male in my forties. I was sexually assaulted by older neighborhood children a large number of times between the ages of 7 and 9. I never told another person until 2018, and at first only on here. It took a while before I felt ok to talk about it at all. Then to my therapist. And now I tell some people like it is matter-of-fact no different than the weather, but only if I think I can trust them. The point is, I'm in treatment for it and it gets easier.
I am a million times better off having finally talked about it.
I should never have carried that weight alone. It was at times literally killing me through suicidal ideations and many attempts.
If someone, ANYONE including you, is being affected by whatever is eating you up inside, please find a safe way out. If there's embarrassment or legal problems, then so be it. Nothing good will ever come from keeping all the bad inside.
When I think of over three decades of holding all that pain inside and I could have been happy, that was the worse thing, the most tragic, keeping it in

[tecomsin]

I appreciate all of your thoughts, SorryShaped, and so sorry to read about the sexual abuse that you suffered as a child and how that affected your adult life in terms of the manifold variety of symptoms of abuse. I played neighborhood sexual games as a child. I am not sure if I was abused or an abuser. it sort of depends on where you draw the line. There was a boy, who was the eldest of us, sort of leading the thing and we would make littler children take off their clothes etc. I don't think there was sexual touching but I don't remember well either. I do feel shame about that. My father had tons of pornographic magazines in our basement where us kids would play these games. So there was something off, something wrong in my environment. I was exposed to a massive porn collection as a small child. Is that sexual abuse? I've never really thought of the consequences or talked much about it with anyone. I once brought it up with a therapist but she brushed it off in a way by saying it was normal for children to explore sexuality. But I don't think the whole of what I experienced was normal.

My plan for dealing with this problem behavior of mine is to take it day by day. I will try for one day not to do the bad thing.

[*Laurie*]

Hi tecomsin, This is probably the safest place in the world (except maybe your therapist's office) in which to discuss what's going on with you, if you feel like doing so.

Making bad choices does not automatically make you a bad person. Reaching out and getting support could be a huge step forward for you.

For the record if you need to unload, you can talk to me. Even to just get it off your chest. I am not perfect myself and I'm not into judging people. Big hugs my friend.

[tecomsin]

Thank you *Laurie* and TheSadGirl. I am in a chronic fatigue situation. I get angry and my frustration crests and then it comes over me, but so far today I have not done the thing. I feel like if I can break this for a day and not do it, then the second day will be easier and maybe in a week or two I will let go of this bad thing I am doing that I am afraid to admit to even online in an anonymous forum. But you are right it is a big step already to reach out for help. I really do appreciate the support here. You are making a difference in my life, also SorryShaped thanks a bunch for not being put off and responding. There is something genuinely unpleasant about me. This behavior that I am struggling with also goes with other things. Like I will be lapse into a negative mode with my son and struggle to get out of it. I am not swearing or that kind of thing but I can be very negative and say destructive things when my patience runs out. Yesterday I told him that I wish I hadn't caught my lung cancer early and would be dead by now. That really upset him. Sometimes I feel this way but it isn't right to blurt it out. He started crying. I was sorry I did that.

Today I am feeling better. i do feel I have got a bit off my chest just admitting that my mood is bad. This is really a bipolar thing plus something from all the physical and emotional abuse I had as a child growing up where I felt unloved except by my grandmother. I used to think I was adopted as a child because my parents treated me and my sister so differently. She was always getting me in trouble so I would get beat up by my father and when I was young also my mother beat me. She was a clinical psychologist and a complete hypocrit, claiming to help others while living and creating abuse for one of her own child. I was the 'bad child'.

[SorryShaped]

I was always the bad child, but mostly because I knew the punishment and still wanted to do the crime. Impulse control or?
Anyway..
I'm glad you see there's support here for you and know this, most of the people here will not be judging. Some are but they are easily ignored.
I'll listen if you need to say something in private. I've got a distinct feeling it's not as bad as you think it is and you can recover from it if you want to.

[Wild Coyote]

I am very sorry you are going through this.

You need to be experiencing shame like you need ... (fill in the blank).

I think we tend to be very hard on ourselves. We can be used to feeling "ashamed" from our past abuse, etc. We can, as a result, easily fall into feeling ashamed.

I can imagine you are feeling ashamed for doing something that a large percentage of us also do. We all just keep rather quiet -- some share more than others. I am rather quiet about what I go through. There is a lot I do not share.

We all feel shame, to varying degrees. We don't benefit from feeling shame, it's toxic. Please be as kind to yourself as you would be toward others if they were telling you they do the same behavior. Would you judge someone else as harshly?


WC

[Fuzzybear]

I read your post before and I was thinking along the same lines as Wild Coyote. I’m guessing a large percentage of people also do the thing you feel shame for I know for me personally, I feel shame even when I’m not doing anything “wrong””because I was shamed by those who were “family” (and also I had no siblings so I was “alone” - and alienated

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I am very sorry you are going through this.

You need to be experiencing shame like you need ... (fill in the blank).

I think we tend to be very hard on ourselves. We can be used to feeling "ashamed" from our past abuse, etc. We can, as a result, easily fall into feeling ashamed.

I can imagine you are feeling ashamed for doing something that a large percentage of us also do. We all just keep rather quiet -- some share more than others. I am rather quiet about what I go through. There is a lot I do not share.

We all feel shame, to varying degrees. We don't benefit from feeling shame, it's toxic. Please be as kind to yourself as you would be toward others if they were telling you they do the same behavior. Would you judge someone else as harshly?


WC

Tecomsin, several people have offered to be a nonjudgmental ear. You could pick just one of those or the person of your choice. No one else needs to know what you have shared or who you have shared with. It could be very private. It could help you immensely, if for no other reason than to get another's perspective on it. Even knowing another human knows about it could help you to break this urge that causes you so much distress.

I have only been on this board a short time, but there seems to be a lot of great people here to choose from.

[tecomsin]

Colleen, I have reached out here privately and can thank the person who knows who they are. It was a huge step for me to admit it to another living soul. I want to assure everyone that it really is a legitimately bad thing. I do have preoccupations with shame and had the shame scaffold thrown upon me as a young, blameless child. My parents messed up my self image and some of that bad parenting also propagated from me to my son although I was less cruel and abusive than they were.

I didn't do that bad thing yesterday or so far today. I am a shame based person. WC you are right that I need more shame like I need a hole in my head. I was out for awhile in my yard for the first time this year when I had landscapers show up to repair some ill conceived projects during my manic phase from last year. That night one of my neighbors called me at 10:00 pm to check if I was ok. I hadn't heard from her for months and she was one of the people constantly calling police and talking with them about me last year.
I feel constantly under threat that I will be taken away by police for a mental health check for watering my lawn. So I am filled with anxiety and shame. The police knocked down my door last year and I wonder when they will be back this summer. I think my anxiety about going out in my yard to do yard work... that is literally the only time I am out in my own yard... I think this is driving this bad behavior of mine. I have a lot more insight than a few days ago. Thanks to everyone here for reaching out. I am blessed to have your help.

Tecomsin, you are the recipient of my first hug, and I mean it from the bottom of my heart. I wish you peace.

[tecomsin]

Thank you Colleen for your hug. I had a better day yesterday in that I didn't do the bad thing. It was a big relief just to admit what it was to one person. Every day I have to go out 2 or 3 times in my yard to water a patch where I am growing grass from seed. Each time it causes me great anxiety. I am afraid I will be accosted by neighbors and the police will take me away like they did twice last year.

My neighbor called me at 10 pm on the first day I was out in my yard for more than a few minutes because she was wondering if I was manic. She is the only one I talk to and the only reason I took the call is that I was afraid she would call the police if I didn't. They must have been at my house more than 100 times last summer banging on my door and shouting my name out loud. Once four officers picked me up from my back yard and took me in overnight for an evaluation. Another time more than a dozen cops knocked down my front door and took me to a forensic hospital. Because I didn't stop for police on the highway because I was terrified of them. They were parked outside my house for hours at a time last year.

I think this anxiety is what is breaking me.

[pirilin]

No, I don't. I'm a good person doing bad things, that's all.

[tecomsin]

In the best case I don't know if I am a good or bad person. In the worst case I think I am bad. The person who I reached out to has stopped writing back.

[SorryShaped]

Keep reaching. Maybe they got busy. Maybe someone else has a different perspective. You deserve peace with yourself

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by Colleen007

Even knowing another human knows about it could help you to break this urge that causes you so much distress.

I have only been on this board a short time, but there seems to be a lot of great people here to choose from.

It's true what you wrote, Colleen, that knowing that one other person knows about it has helped me break the urge. I didn't do the bad thing yesterday or the day before... not sure what day before that I stopped but the urges are going down. I don't know if I could decide to let another person know, though. It was a huge step to reach out.

I still get the urges when my anxiety/frustration with life peaks. I just want to squeeze the pain out of my life. My pdoc doesn't think I'm a sociopath or psychopath because those types of people do not have a conscience and don't worry about whether they are doing evil things.

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Keep reaching. Maybe they got busy. Maybe someone else has a different perspective. You deserve peace with yourself

Thank you SorryShaped. It's a radical idea to believe that I deserve peace with myself. I've always been a loner and it is easy enough for me to believe that counting on other people is a mistake. I don't feel safe anywhere, especially in my own yard. I was picked up by 4 police officers out of my yard when i was watering plants last year and taken in for a 24 hour psych evaluation because my neighbors were constantly complaining about me. Then, the first time I am out for any length of time this year one of my neighbors calls me to check how I am doing. I believe if I hadn't answered the call, she would have contacted the police to do a 'welfare check', otherwise known as interference in my life of a police state.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

Thank you SorryShaped. It's a radical idea to believe that I deserve peace with myself. I've always been a loner and it is easy enough for me to believe that counting on other people is a mistake. I don't feel safe anywhere, especially in my own yard. I was picked up by 4 police officers out of my yard when i was watering plants last year and taken in for a 24 hour psych evaluation because my neighbors were constantly complaining about me. Then, the first time I am out for any length of time this year one of my neighbors calls me to check how I am doing. I believe if I hadn't answered the call, she would have contacted the police to do a 'welfare check', otherwise known as interference in my life of a police state.

At least people care enough about you to do that! I've been mixed or so manic that I was hallucinating and hiding under a blanket in a corner and my parents of all people, effing ignored it because "that's just how I always have been." No crap, and it's a sign of a serious problem.
Your neighbors care about you, give them some credit.
Cops aren't all Nazi militants. Most of them have families and want people to be safe and happy. I've a few friends that are police and it's ok

[tecomsin]

I was told last year there was a group of people who were working to have me sent away to a mental hospital for the rest of my life. Those are my neighbors and yes they 'care' about me but that is not the usual definition of care. They simply want me gone from their neighborhood and are willing to tolerate cops sitting on the cul de sac outside my home for hours at a time to accomplish that. The cops broke down my door and trashed my house. They threw stuff every where like they were looking for drugs. It took over twenty hours of cleaning to restore my house to how it was before they busted my door down to take me away.

I'm sorry, SorryShaped, that your parents ignored or dismissed signs of your illness and didn't get help. My paranoia exploded last year after I was picked up by police while watering my lawn and that is what tripped me over the edge. Now everytime I go out I expect to be arrested and taken into a mental hospital.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

I was told last year there was a group of people who were working to have me sent away to a mental hospital for the rest of my life. Those are my neighbors and yes they 'care' about me but that is not the usual definition of care. They simply want me gone from their neighborhood and are willing to tolerate cops sitting on the cul de sac outside my home for hours at a time to accomplish that. The cops broke down my door and trashed my house. They threw stuff every where like they were looking for drugs. It took over twenty hours of cleaning to restore my house to how it was before they busted my door down to take me away.

That's unfortunate. I'm sorry

[tecomsin]

It was so bad with police parked outside my house and shouting for me to come out and walking around in my yard that there were 5 houses on my little street (about 1/5 of the houses) that have gone up for sale since last summer.

If I had the energy and cognitive capacity I would move but I simply don't have the energy to do it so I'm stuck here.

Hi Tecomsin,
I don’t know where you live in Alberta, but it seems like you need to get a plan together. It doesn't sound like you have a lot of support. Get engaged with your local Mental Health and Addiction services if you aren’t already in the system. Simply enter “mental health” and your location into google and you will get the local number. Once you are in the system, so much can be done for you. You can get counseling on a drop in basis if necessary, and have access to the local Crisis management team when necessary. You can provide the crisis number to your neighbour, so that if they are concerned to phone them rather than the police.

Ask the counselor if it can be coordinated with the police, so that whenever the police are called, they will call the local crisis team to come instead of them or at the very least have the crisis team attend the situation along with them. The crisis team should be more compassionate and understanding than the police.

I know this may sound daunting, but your first step is simply reaching out to them and they should get the ball rolling. Write down all that is happening or has happened, and that you need help. It is probably best to keep the bad thing you are doing to yourself though, but you already know this.

You may need a referral from your physician or psychiatrist to get into the system, but it will open an entire world of help up to you. If you are already in the system, drop in or book a counseling session. They may even be able to get you into appropriate housing.

I think about you often, and wish you well.