[SorryShaped]

Mania is taking full hold again, even though I slept 6 full hours last night.
My ex-wife stayed over again. She has several times started a "love conversation" in one form or another and I will not have it. I shut her down on that every time.
I told the girl from my May,/June posts that I'm in love with her. It's true, I am, but it makes me miserable at the same time. Probably it's a lot of the incompatibilities, my own insecurities, and my own messed up rest of me.
I am falling for someone else at the same time, hard. I haven't told her, or anyone else involved any of this because I don't know what to do. My mind is spinning like a fork in a garbage disposal.
All of this are bad ideas.

[fashlandhelper]

I'm sorry
I hope you get better soon <3
I understand completely.

Back to the hospital? Meds clearly aren't working and you are making bad choices.

[SorryShaped]

If I go back, they'll just fail me again

I'm proof that it can take multiple tries to get it right, but it can be done.

[Wild Coyote]

Please take care!


WC

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

If I go back, they'll just fail me again

Can you go somewhere else this time? You could either have had bad luck, or the hospital you went to is no good.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Can you go somewhere else this time? You could either have had bad luck, or the hospital you went to is no good.

I'll guarantee that hospital is no good. There are groups and activities scheduled all day long, but they had a total of 3 groups in four days.

[Unrigged64072835]

I would try going elsewhere if possible. You don't want to put yourself through relationship hell.

[SorryShaped]

"relationship hell" Is there any other kind?

[SorryShaped]

Shy of dosing me with all the benzos at once and taking me off the current meds, this ep stands no chances of backing off. I'm high as a kite on my own body chemistry and probably somewhat on caffeine too, but my resting heart rate is below 50 right now, so the caffeine probably isn't an issue.
I'm very suggestible in this state, and I know it, to do everything that feels good. Going to try to just stay home tonight and go to the gym tomorrow. I didn't answer the phone earlier because I knew what it was about.

[Unrigged64072835]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

"relationship hell" Is there any other kind?

Been there, done that more times than I care to admit. I'm not in it anymore. So good things do happen.

[SorryShaped]

I won't say what I'm doing because I'll keep losing friends but I'm still making bad choices because they feel good

[*Laurie*]

Please reach out IRL for some serious help from a medical professional/s.
We're here for you, too, but as you know the most we can do is provide support and urge you to get help because at this rate you're headed for serious trouble, and you know that's the truth.

[SorryShaped]

I dreamed last night that the girl from May was pregnant. This is a possibility. It's got me really messed up right now and though I'm not directly suicidal, I'm on a very self destructive path. The ex-wife stayed over again and the whole time I slept I was dreaming about someone else.

I am worried about you, but I also know you cant help someone who doesnt want to help themselves.

You know you are self destructing and making terrible choices. You know you should be back in hospital. Still you resist.

I understand. I wonder though, did you go through all the pain of leaving an abusive marriage to live a life like this? Or did you dream of more?

This is your chance to build the life you want. To find the love you deserve. To be happy.

Bipolar sucks, but you are so much more than your illness. You are strong. So fight for yourself. You are worth it, I promise you.

You can always talk to me. I will never judge you. I hope you here the sincerity in my words here. Please get help.

[SorryShaped]

I stopped dreaming or wanting for just about anything because life was nothing but going to kick me. I give up on the whole idea of an ideal relationship with anyone and I'm taking anything and everything I can get. If it feels good, I'm probably going to go for it, even when it hurts later.
At least I'm not into drugs, right?

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I stopped dreaming or wanting for just about anything because life was nothing but going to kick me. I give up on the whole idea of an ideal relationship with anyone and I'm taking anything and everything I can get. If it feels good, I'm probably going to go for it, even when it hurts later.
At least I'm not into drugs, right?

Hey! Did you even read TheSadGirls post?

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

Hey! Did you even read TheSadGirls post?

I did. And, I KNOW she's right. And I know I'm wrong. And I know how bad this all is. I'll be by myself tonight and can clear my head maybe some

[*Laurie*]

I realize that it's difficult and boring as hell to be IP and not doing anything all day. I've been IP twice, both times in county hospitals. No groups, nothing except maybe a book from their crappy little selection or TV. BUT even if the hospital doesn't have groups, the point is you're safe AND can get your meds assessed more quickly.

[SorryShaped]

I want this combination of meds to be the one that works. I really do, but so far it isn't at all. I know meds take up to a month or more to properly work.
I'm not really a danger, except that I'm making some bad decisions that will only have an ill mental affect if I ever choose to look at them that way.
The kids all know that I've been having sex with my ex-wife. They aren't happy about it at all. I'm not surprised by that. I knew they would not like the idea any more than I prolly shouldn't like the idea.
However...
It's a release that I could be out trying to find with random women whom I don't know are or aren't clean. That's a small positive in this positively terrible chain. Yoga was so physically demanding this morning that I briefly considered not going to exercise classes this evening. I'm going to go to both.