Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Still under a lot of stress.

Am trying to tolerate an increase in Wellbutrin.

My sleep has gotten a lot worse. I get to sleep at about 5-6 am.

I could use some alone time to just chill and to get a break from the stress. I am so tired I cannot think straight.

Am so glad friends here do understand.

Love to All!

WC

I'm so sorry you're struggling so badly. Just a thought, wellbutrin made me go horribly mixed. Gave me horrible anxiety and insomnia.

I hope you feel better soon.

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I have my annual gynecological appointment. I'm not looking forward to it, but will get it over with. Then, of course, I'll have to get a mammogram. Ladies, have you had yours within the last 12 months?

I'm so glad that my husband doesn't mind doing dishes. I woke up to find a beautiful kitchen.

I had one very stupid NP suggest I get a mammogram at 23; she's like but you have fibroids. Last time I went for my gynecological appointment with the primary doc he felt me up and he's like those are just fibroids; super common in your age the mammogram is a bit overstepping how about we agree you get a yearly breast exam? He's like I'm pretty good at telling the difference between fibroids and an actual lump. I'm glad you didn't get it one done; he's like even with your family history it would have done more harm than good.

today someone commented on the fact I've not slept for so long- and that's when you know it's out of control, when other people comment on it (for the record I don't like people commenting on my appearance), I don't actually think it's any of their concern- that, and I all ready have issues with my body (those issues being that I look worse than ****ing shrek)

anyway had breakfast and doing nothing else for the rest of the day

listening to music and posting on here makes it Up I guess (it took me 20 minits to log in today because of the new tagging feature slowing me down)

Well, today I'm working from home. Supposed to snow starting early this afternoon. I may take half a day off from work so that I can chillax and do some fun stuff (for once). I do, after all, have half a day of PTO. (Well, I have 7.5 days of PTO left, so I would be taking 0.5 days to leave me with 7 days.)

What fun things should I do, guys? Anything cool on Netflix? YouTube (e.g., documentaries)?

I have to pick up my Ritalin prescription, but the pharmacy said they won't have it in until Tuesday (today) at the earliest. I have four capsules left. I hope they get them in stock soon.

I also ordered some Metamucil so that I can take a sh_t since I'm constipated as f_ck. I ordered it online from Walgreens since it was a special online price. I also ordered Vitafusion fiber gummies from Rite-Aid (which had a 20% off flash sale last night). My goal is to work my way up to taking fiber in the a.m., noon, and p.m.. I chose the gummies so that I can take something at work without being judged for having a huge container of Metamucil. (And yes, I know there are individual Metamucil packets, but I HATE the flavor of orange that they come in. They don't have any other flavors! Well, my top 3 hated flavors are dark chocolate, coffee, and orange. )

My hubby is home, too, because of the weather. So far no snow in my area, but there has been sleet. He has to work from home, but I made us a nice breakfast and he'll do some pleasant home things throughout the day.

Today is a nice day for soup, but I'm kind of missing some ingredients for my usuals. I think I'll make French Onion.

[hopeless2015]

Called off work today. Feeling very off. No sure, I've been doing a slow titrate up on my lamictal after stupidly going off..really wasn't intentional, just kind of happened. Anyway, just did another increase two days ago, maybe just adjusting to that...idk but it'll pass. Just gonna give myself today and get back to it tomorrow.

Hugs to all

[Innerzone]

TheSeaCat, I SO hear you on the med availability situation! I felt the same way about my long-standing Teva lamotrigine, only that one's not coming back. (I'm just taking the manufacturer they've got on the shelves and see how it goes).

Well, love my new sneakers (good thing 'cause I paid enough and a half for them! Though shoes are the one thing I'm willing to pay real money for. I am ALWAYS on my feet and they've got some issues.). My feet felt good at the end of the day.

Today is my first fun internship day (not that the the working --volunteering-- part isn't some degree of fun, but this is actual fun and the reason I signed on). Pretty excited.

Oh, I suppose I should confess here. I talked on the phone with the exBF Sunday. I was just sitting around when the phone rang. It was a nice conversation. Don't worry, there was NO leading on or miss-y/kiss-y on my part, just pleasant conversation. Oh. And I'd sent a postcard. (No return address, just basically, glad you're doing well, my life is going great, no this-is-where-I'm-located details.)

Oh, and my new T (well, assigned, then I lost medicaid/access, so haven't actually seen yet) has been trying to figure out how to get me in. I think that's sweet.

Many, many hugs, especially to those having difficulties.

Doing well now, went skiing yesterday and had a good night's sleep. I regret signing up for a psychology course at the community college though because the professor is crap and so is the book we're using. Was supposed to have ECT today but with the snowstorm my ride didn't want to get stuck in traffic in the snow so we had it rescheduled.
Hugs to all

[wildflowerchild25]

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I feel much better today, like normal. I don’t know if it was just that I had a day off to recover or that the depression just passed. I’m glad it has though. It was only a week this time, that bodes well for me. Maybe I won’t get terrible unending depressions anymore. I’m supposed to see my pdoc today but I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it. The ice was supposed to change over to rain but I can still hear it icing on my window. I might call and reschedule. But then I’m not sure I’d get my depakote in time. I’m not sure. I don’t want to drive in the ice though.

I overdrafted my bank account for the first time since my husband died. I really have to be more careful with my money. I had money in my savings to transfer so it wasn’t that bad but still. I spent too much money on food. That’s what happens when I get depressed, I can’t get the energy to cook so I just buy food. I feel terrible about spending so much. I didn’t want to take money from my savings because I’m hoping to save enough for a house someday. I get paid from the state tomorrow and my regular paycheck on Friday so I won’t be out of money for too long.

But yeah, happy to be feeling better. Hope I can get my script for depakote and haldol before I run out.

[wildflowerchild25]

So I just called my pdoc and left a message saying the roads were too icy and I wasn’t going to make it to my appointment. He texts me back and says “try to make it hope it will clear by then”. ****ing WHAT? **** this guy. I’m not risking my life for him. It’s almost 2pm and still icing. I’d have to leave for my appointment at 4. I’m just going to use my other pdoc and lay out of pocket until I can see the one I know I like. I don’t like this guy at all. I see my other pdoc next Tuesday. So **** that. What a douche.

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

So I just called my pdoc and left a message saying the roads were too icy and I wasn’t going to make it to my appointment. He texts me back and says “try to make it hope it will clear by then”. ****ing WHAT? **** this guy. I’m not risking my life for him. It’s almost 2pm and still icing. I’d have to leave for my appointment at 4. I’m just going to use my other pdoc and lay out of pocket until I can see the one I know I like. I don’t like this guy at all. I see my other pdoc next Tuesday. So **** that. What a douche.

I agree that that's not nice of your pdoc. Not everyone is a dare devil. Many people have a fear of driving in bad weather conditions, and for good reason.

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

So I just called my pdoc and left a message saying the roads were too icy and I wasn’t going to make it to my appointment. He texts me back and says “try to make it hope it will clear by then”. ****ing WHAT? **** this guy. I’m not risking my life for him. It’s almost 2pm and still icing. I’d have to leave for my appointment at 4. I’m just going to use my other pdoc and lay out of pocket until I can see the one I know I like. I don’t like this guy at all. I see my other pdoc next Tuesday. So **** that. What a douche.

Yeah, I wouldn’t want a pdoc like that either. He sounds selfish because he clearly values your money (copay) more than your well-being. But is he a douche? No, worse. More like a narcissistic greedy asshole.

I’m glad you’re not going to see him anymore. You don’t deserve a greedy b@stard of a pdoc

[Victoria'smom]

I'm feeling bad Miguel paid for dinner last night. I have to find some way to make it up to him.

[Daonnachd]

I met with my T this afternoon, but was feeling so ill that I left early. I came home and went to bed. Now I've got to get up and take the dog out.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Feel better Daonnachd.

[Wander]

Well, tomorrow is D-day - hopefully. My pdoc hasn't shown up yet to review me for discharge but it is only 10 am. I am anxious for him to arrive because a) he is often so late he practically either shows up at the time of discharge or b) forgets to show up at all so I have to stay another day. He is an awesome pdoc but being on time is his biggest fault.

Anyway, I am slowly organising packing so I don't have to do it last minute. Not that I have much to do as it is not like I brought half my possessions in. Just a few essentials and toiletries.

I am so excited! It will be two weeks tomorrow I will have been in here, and six days of increasing stability. I wanted to go yesterday but my pdoc was worried about my hypomania as it was shooting up. Today (Wednesday) I feel calm and stable, finally! So I am sure discharge will be no issue. I am so looking to having my freedom back and being able to go outside. Looking forward to floating around my flat, organising and cleaning and generally chilling out. I can still barely read due to racing mind but I am hoping that will slow down soon.

Sorry for the novel but I am so, so excited. I was incredible ill when I got in here so to have such a positive, relatively swift turn around has brought me such joy.

[Under*Over]

Its weird when everyone around you is telling you you definitely have a mental illness, you know you display symptoms of mental illness, but you just cant fully accept the fact that this is real. Its just weird.

[cashart10]

Took Latuda for the first time tonight. Now my stomach is a bit upset and I have a poor taste in my mouth. Hopefully those side effects will dissipate and moreover, hopefully the med will be successful. I feel so terrible. I feel just like crying. And I don’t cry, unless I’m in a severe anxious depression...like now. I go for the IOP evaluation tomorrow. I was planning to go today but all of the appts were full so I would have had to wait forever as a walk in. It’s at 10 AM. I am scared to go to sleep tonight. As I have been every night. It’s just another irrational fear. I kind of want to die. My son overheard me say I was afraid I would never be able to work again and that I was afraid of going to sleep. He was in the living room when I said that out loud to my mom on the phone. He was very confused. I just ended up telling him I was joking. It’s hard for him to understand things like that. That is the other thing though. I am absolutely terrified of the idea of going back to work. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t even breathe when I think about it. I’ve always loved my job too but I just feel like...never...no way!!! It scares me to death. I just want things back to normal. So badly. 😢

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone and happy misrable Tuesday. Yup I'm still in a bad mood and it's really taking a tole on me. I finally get happy and stable and get completely out of the depressed/anxiety tunnel something is waiting to make me go back to tunnel. I have tried and called and called and called. I even tried a pharmacy in another state looking for it. It just isn't available anywhere close to me. I've tried a few mail order pharmacies and nothing, enough for a week is usually what I get. Apparently according to one pharmacy this shortage has been happening since December and it's just now really starting to effect pharmacies and patient's alike either that or Buspirone is super popular in my state. I keep hoping and praying that I find someone that has a huge stockpile but sadly it seems like what everyone had has ran out or they have at best a week of anything.

I know I have a week left and if I wanted to do it to myself I could totally drop to two pills instead of my three. That's what I did last night and plan on doing tonight. I am taking my mornings and afternoons but not the bedtime medication and I really felt the anxiety last night in bed. The thing about Buspar is it has a short half life; I get two hours of maybe the ten mg; and then after two hours it will have been like I took a five. Even Seroqueled and Melatonined up it took me a while to fall asleep even with the soothing sent of lavender on my pillow.

It's just so hard; do I have enough to get me through Valentine's Day; I do but I'm honestly at a thinking inpass with my feelings of what do I do. Do I trust my psych enough to let him overhaul my medications and go back to a straight up depression medication? Do I ignore my Cardio and ask for a PRN Benzo? This couldn't have happened at worse time. I'm supposed to be getting pampered and enjoying the days leading up to Valentine's Day with M; but the only thought my brain can make is Buspar, Buspar, Buspar we need the Buspar. Not oh M looks super yummy in that sweater; just I want my Buspar. I know it's not addicting that it's my brain freaking out at the potential of not having it.

I had a do not disturb sign on my door all day. I told my boss I'm here but I don't feel like dealing with patient complaints; provider issues; I just want to be left alone in my office. I even wore scrubs again today; I figure you know what screw it I don't feel good mentally. Only two people were brave enough to enter my office. My family doctor to give me bad freaking news that he called a few of the main manufactures and they told it could be April 2019 before they were able to send any out. It's February and I'm already a wreck.

I feel my stability already starting to slip. Yes I have been rather reasonable when a pharmacy tells me no they just don't have it. I haven't snapped at anyone the phone; I know it's not their vault they don't have it. It's hard to get anything when it's in a shortage. Healthcare just freaking sucks and this is something I cannot change and all that I want to do is change it.

I'm just tired of dealing with this already. I'm scared of losing another job. I keep hearing the ex bosses words echo in my head feeling like she might honestly be right. I just want my brain to shut up. I keep telling myself it's just anxiety that I am not this; that it doesn't control me. I just feel like crap trying to decide what to do.

Hugs to everyone

[Pikku Myy]

So glad to report, I am OK. Not cured, but feeling ok.