[beauflow]

https://forums.psychcentral.com/6464772-post994.html

The urge to self-destruct with drugs is a BIG red flag. Do you have the support you need? Why are you afraid to take your meds? A trip to a pdoc sounds in order. Be careful. Things can get out of hand quickly. It is an understandable thing to wonder. Just don't obsess over it. You may find your answer organically just by going about your life. Please stay safe and seek urgent help if you cannot. Keep posting. It may help you gather your thoughts, and get support while you do.

Wander thank you

I've been struggling and I deleted what I wrote and I am sorry, earlier I was a freight train of thoughts.
In real life- I have continued to be agitated, at work, at stores- I have to constantly check myself and isolate

I have to wait another 8 weeks for a therapist at the place that the gen doc suggested. I will continue to look/// or at least some thing.

Support- no, yes? not entirely - but I have tried. I don't blame folks not wanting to be around me at times... plus I can have issues with people... some times I feel better off alone.

I don't take the Pdoc meds due to the ones I tried, my paranoia went out of control. I was young, had a lot of PTSD issues to still work out (and do), I was already leery of taking the meds to begin with-- then my unfortunate reaction happened, which made me scared.
later with my back issues, any chemical drug seems to mess with me in adverse effects.

With the topic of pdoc meds- My strong core belief that "THEY are trying to control me" let's loose and it can be difficult to maintain- they can be many.
However I have been thinking on this a lot, it is not that "they" *Who ever they are* is trying, it is that I am in need of assistance of better management... this is difficult, my father used to tell me something that has stuck with me to this day, which assists with this negative core belief.
I DO believe being aware of thoughts is great; however I keep losing this ground.

The last Pdoc I saw made it very clear to me, that no matter what I take- their drugs or try on my own, it is all about management. I will always have the highs, I will always have the lows-- and I guess chaotically cycle as I do as I don't and have not fully understood that through this chaos (get told I rapid cycle or at least NOS if not rapid....., but come on!). Get me off this crazy train.

-- I debated with her on bipolar diagnosis.. Not in an argument way, but I a true debate where I learned more from that... and yet I still question it- funny but not.

Cigarettes I would say I am addicted to- yes very much indeed and not only that, but my two back surgeries both surgeons mentioned I was doing more self harm with the cigarettes than anything else.. - if I get to start smoking cigs again. no I can't just have one and I will have another after.- the quitting recently has what probably assisted to ampt so much but I will not start ... due to:
if I don't stop now- when will I?!

Some may say the cannabis is the same way, but I am not getting high every day-- because that is counter productive.

Asking for organic life style- I tried that, that was in part why I went in the first time to therapy.. - Stopped everything and was trying to be like everyone else and failing horribly.
I even continued NOT to partake after that therapy but ya know in 2013 or 2014 I had a break down and cannabis was there to assist with getting back around and making things at least bearable again.
I tried that later in life with no cannabis and that really did not go well.


One a good note, my cat is back home with me.. which he is happier just being at home and it was nice to see that.. strange in a way but nice. Hopefully no more bugs.

Apologies I felt I needed to reply and it is so long.

I got 8 weeks to wait or find help, so I pulled out an old CBT book -- that I can get mad at or forget. but at least I did read part of it today.

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by wander

https://forums.psychcentral.com/6464775-post995.html
I am so sorry you had such a terrible day and are feeling so exhausted. After tomorrow is there any time that you can take to yourself and rest a bit? It sounds like you need a little break or you will reach breaking point. Keep us up to date if you can. I really hope things improve soon.

Thank you Wander; I am not feeling the best and still feel exhausted. I would love to take time off but I am saving those days in case the boyfriend has to have surgery; since I probably won't be feeling the best if that happens. So I would rather save my vacation days for when I really need them since I know if he needs surgery he will need both his family and I; so I'd rather save them. I feel okay mentally just a little worn down.

[Wander]

A slightly better day so far (it is 1 pm). This morning I dragged myself up to do some hydrotherapy at the beach for my torn hamstring. It was a little rough so made me work harder and have to be more careful. The ocean lifted my mood a little. I think battling the waves helped vent some of my rage too.

After breakfast I had a coffee with a close friend who is moving back to England after seven years here. It was wonderful but I will miss him dearly.

I still feel panicked and overwhelmed. Drank too much again last night. I know I need to stop but I just don’t care right now. So many memories and ideas are running through my mind. They haunt me. Soon I will be going over my parents for a day. I love seeing them but really want to be alone. People in longer than an hour is very stressful. I just want to hide. Seeing my T tomorrow. Wonder what he will say?

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

Hi everyone. My anxiety has reached such as a high level that I haven't felt this way for over a year. I am leaving my job and gave my two weeks notice. The work environment is completely toxic and unhealthy and a lot of people are leaving. It is my time to go. I will miss my good friend from there though.

There is another job opportunity where I know someone who works there, but all the red tape to get the job is overwhelming. One past job did not end on good terms. The person made false allegations against me, and I should have took them to court, and HR from this new job requested information from them. So that was a major trigger and brought me back to dark times.


Everything feels like a chore, I had a meltdown in front of my mother, who just doesn't know how to be supportive of me, because I am rapid cycling and the anxiety is so high, I see a mixed state coming. She said I probably shouldn't be working and that I belong in the hospital, unless I "get a grip." Everything is just too much.

Legally the only questions that can be asked of previous employer is 1. Would you hire again? 2. Verify salary

[Sunflower123]

I had a friend since childhood die unexpectedly March 10 from unknown causes. Saddened, shocked and speechless. She was only one year older then me. She only presented with a cough which she’d seen a doctor for. Her husband went to church Sunday and she was fine. He came home and she had passed.

The autopsy will tell but I think it was that fast moving flu and it was either pneumonia or sepsis that got her.

It reminded me never to take one second of life for granted. She had just posted a funny Facebook post a few days before never knowing what Sunday held. Disconcerting. She will be missed.

Warm wishes to all.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I had a friend since childhood die unexpectedly March 10 from unknown causes. Saddened, shocked and speechless. She was only one year older then me. She only presented with a cough which she’d seen a doctor for. Her husband went to church Sunday and she was fine. He came home and she had passed.

The autopsy will tell but I think it was that fast moving flu and it was either pneumonia or sepsis that got her.

It reminded me never to take one second of life for granted. She had just posted a funny Facebook post a few days before never knowing what Sunday held. Disconcerting. She will be missed.

Warm wishes to all.

How horrible jenn.
Very scary. It could happen to one of us...makes me want to run out and get a flu shot.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[BeyondtheRainbow]

So sorry for your loss Jennifer1967

[pirilin]

Slept seven hours in a row. Without Clonazepam.
Or any other prescription drug.

I'm back to taking L-Tryptophan and is working.
Keeping myself occupied during the day also helps..
I'm very happy to be alive!.

Cheers.

I only got 4 to 4.5 hours sleep last night. My fault! I forgot to take my meds until 10 pm last night. If I'm late with my evening meds, I don't get tired enough to sleep until 3 am sometimes, then it's hard to getting up as early as usual. Seroquel XR is the culprit, but I much prefer the XR over the regular.

Update: I finally did it. I scheduled my first French lesson. It will be with an elderly French gentleman (Monsieur Gilbert). He used to be a guest professor at the university in my town, which is a highly prestigious university. He's retired. I'll go to his home for private tutoring. His private tutoring is $5 more than the private French tutoring at the other place I was looking, but the first lesson with Monsieur Gilbert is free. I'll see how it goes. Perhaps eventually I will go to the other school's group classes. There's an advantage to going to an elderly instructor, but other advantages with a younger one (latest terms, slang).

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I had a friend since childhood die unexpectedly March 10 from unknown causes. Saddened, shocked and speechless. She was only one year older then me. She only presented with a cough which she’d seen a doctor for. Her husband went to church Sunday and she was fine. He came home and she had passed.

The autopsy will tell but I think it was that fast moving flu and it was either pneumonia or sepsis that got her.

It reminded me never to take one second of life for granted. She had just posted a funny Facebook post a few days before never knowing what Sunday held. Disconcerting. She will be missed.

Warm wishes to all.

I am so sorry about your friend and the loss you are all experiencing. Unexpected deaths are particularly horrible in their own way.

[tecomsin]

I am so sorry, as well, that your friend died suddenly, Jennifer 1967. You are right that we should never take life for granted.

[Daonnachd]

Oh, Jenn, I'm so sorry for your loss. That puts the challenges of my day in perspective. A car that won't start isn't such a big deal after all.

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m so sorry for your loss Jennifer. That’s terrible.

[fern46]

Today is a good day. The sun is out finally, my mood is lighter and I have more energy. My pdoc cut my Risperdal dose in half and last night was my first night on the new amount. I am wondering if my elevated state has something to do with the adjustment. I'm afraid to spiral into mania again, but this feels nice and balanced for the first time in a while. I was experiencing mild anxiety before as well, but that seems to have lifted today also. Fingers crossed I'm on my way to normalcy and peace again.

Well wishes to all for a good day.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Jennifer. It's never easy to lose someone. I'm sorry you have to go through this. However, you are not alone. This is the time to hold family close and let them know you love them.

Oh Jennifer, that is terrible. I'm so sorry for your loss.

So sorry to hear about your friend Jennifer.

[Daonnachd]

I got my car started and now have it parked facing downhill so I can roll start it tomorrow morning if it does the same thing again. I also had new tyres put on it finally. Despite all that which looks and sounds positive, I'm feeling low.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I had a friend since childhood die unexpectedly March 10 from unknown causes. Saddened, shocked and speechless. She was only one year older then me. She only presented with a cough which she’d seen a doctor for. Her husband went to church Sunday and she was fine. He came home and she had passed.


The autopsy will tell but I think it was that fast moving flu and it was either pneumonia or sepsis that got her.


It reminded me never to take one second of life for granted. She had just posted a funny Facebook post a few days before never knowing what Sunday held. Disconcerting. She will be missed.


Warm wishes to all.

I’m so sorry for your loss
My condolences

[~Christina]

My T texted me again today 3 days in a row now , (very very unusual) to see if I’m ok , I see him tomorrow. I slept til
5 today , yes I’m staying up to near morning or full on morning , not sure why. Maybe just because.....

I just don’t know where I fit in this world anymore. * sigh*