[dsmith]

In bpHope, Gabe Howard recently wrote a post that resonated deeply with me: "I Am Bipolar; Should I Have Children?"
I Am Bipolar; Should I Have Children? - bpHope : bpHope

In addition to having Bipolar disorder, I had a very warped view of what a "family" meant growing up. My parents were, to put in mildly, horrible people. Granted, they did pay for my education, and put a roof over my head. They never physically abused me, but valued their social lives far and above their relationship with me.

Why do I bring this up? Primarily it's because as a result of this horrible experience with family life, I never developed a taste for it.

I may be looking through rose-colored glasses, but I was so much happier before having kids: I was free to do whatever I pleased, whenever I wanted: learn a foreign language, hang out with friends, take trips without excessive amounts of planning, SLEEP whenever I felt tired.

In what is the biggest regret of my life, I ended up fathering 3 children. The 1st one I didn't think I was ready for, the 2nd I decided to have just because "2 kids seems like a good round number, and everyone else is doing it." The 3rd is the most unfortunate, and largely a byproduct of my bipolar disorder.
I was in the throes of a manic episode.

Although I'd lost my job 6 months earlier, I felt as if I'd stumbled on the "Holy Grail:" I was (hyper)actively pulling myself out of my deep depression, working on a professional certification, getting up early, exercising, and just generally feeling better about myself. I decided, "my wife has always wanted to have 3 kids; she's been such a loving, supporting wife. I need to be a good husband and go along with this desire."

What a mess.

A year after his birth, we separated. My mania had spiraled out of control, and I was incredibly abusive (verbally) and making both our lives hell. Fortunately, we did ultimately reconcile.

However, my attitude toward parenting has only worsened. I am EXTREMELY irritable, and need pin drop silence combined with music to be remotely productive. This week, the kids are on spring break and I am trying to work from home. I usually need to have distractive tasks (e.g., PsychCentral ) in order to make it through my day. So I end up frittering away inordinate amounts of time, and then have no time to attend to them.

I wish I could compartmentalize better: they sit in front of the TV for most of the day, and don't really bother me aside from occasional temper tantrums where they all fight with each other. However, because of my irritability and distraction I can't get anything done.

It's often said that "nobody said on their death bed, 'I wish I'd spent more time at the office," and that "children are God's greatest gifts." I wholeheartedly refute both: I love work - especially the type where you can work independently and not have to take or give orders to anyone. It is a great distraction from the annoyances of daily life.

Children, on the other hand, are an inordinate pain to deal with. They never listen to you, they cost money, they keep you from living life on your own terms.

dsmith, this is a tough topic to discuss, but I am glad you felt safe letting your feelings out here. I'm sure you do love your kids, though, but there is no doubt about it that having a serious mental illness would make some aspects of life (such as parenting) quite difficult.

I know of great parents with bipolar disorder. I know of many kids of people with bipolar disorder (with or without the disorder themselves) that are very happy their parents had them. I also know of children that did suffer some consequences as a result of an ill parent. I know of people that suffered consequences from parents who never had any kind of disorder at all.

I'm heading towards my 50s. My husband and I never had children and never will. It wasn't because I didn't want to spread my genes to future generations. It was because I just didn't have the desire to have children. I also had severe periods when I knew having a child would be a seriously bad idea. But if I had wanted to have children, I think that would have been great, though I suppose having them during my sickest periods would have been unwise and surely self-centered.

I do know of a couple of cases where children were brought into this world by a mentally ill parent (or parents) and a lot of sadness resulted. I won't tell the stories, but simply say that it's crucial that if a person is aware of such challenges, that they not take the decision to have children lightly. It's also important that people know what can be done with children during rough periods, and that any backup plans be reasonable to all involved.

[dsmith]

Thanks for your reply BirdDancer.

It feels terrible - this sense of regret. These are 3 innocent children who didn't ask to have a father with Bipolar disorder. Someone who's unpredictable, irritable, and very selfish. They look to me for love, support, and guidance that I can't even show myself.

It's funny that around 20 yrs ago when my wife and I got married, we seemed to be on the same path professionally and personally. She was always very keen on having kids, and embraced parenting as a joyful vocation - despite the occasional bumps in the road.

She keeps telling me that I'm much better now than before my diagnosis. Even though my career is in shambles, she said I'm showing a lot more patience and engagement with them.

It honestly feels like the "bizarro Emperor Has No Clothes:" everyone else seems to see the good I'm doing, but I can't...

[USMCBIPOLAR7]

Originally Posted by dsmith

Thanks for your reply BirdDancer.


It feels terrible - this sense of regret. These are 3 innocent children who didn't ask to have a father with Bipolar disorder. Someone who's unpredictable, irritable, and very selfish. They look to me for love, support, and guidance that I can't even show myself.


It's funny that around 20 yrs ago when my wife and I got married, we seemed to be on the same path professionally and personally. She was always very keen on having kids, and embraced parenting as a joyful vocation - despite the occasional bumps in the road.


She keeps telling me that I'm much better now than before my diagnosis. Even though my career is in shambles, she said I'm showing a lot more patience and engagement with them.


It honestly feels like the "bizarro Emperor Has No Clothes:" everyone else seems to see the good I'm doing, but I can't...

How can you focus on or be aware of even an apple if you are totally focused on the stem. Yes it is a part of you but you are so much more and your impact so much better that you can see focusing that way . At least that’s how it is with me.

[pirilin]

This is a very personal choice. Mental illness is prone to be inherited.
In my case, both my parents showed some traits. Only my father used to say:
"Men have no nerves". "That's for the women."
Which didn't help my case in any way.

I don't have full bipolar, however, my wire harness is charred at some point.
Since I don't act like the rest. And happy not to.

Bringing a child into this world, now more than ever, is an unbearable responsibility.
I have abandoned ship twice. I was never meant to be a father.
I was a provider, that's all.

And I thank the Lord every day, none of them has any mental illness.
I guess I've been a bizarre example to them. In what you're not supposed to do.
None of them got married. Or have children. That bad.

My suggestion would be to become a foster parent.
If you're comfortable with it, and most important, the children are comfortable with you,
then i don't see why not give it a go.

Cheers.

[fern46]

This post hit home with me. I'm a parent of two. I didn't know I was bipolar when I had my kids as I wasn't showing any symptoms. I wanted kids and I can't imagine my life without them. However, my manic episode traumatized my kids. They were scared and now they live with the fear it will happen again. I've wondered more than once if I would have had kids if I had known I'd turn out to be bipolar. I just don't know if I would have considered the risk worth it. I've also learned my kids have a 25% chance of being bipolar themselves because they have a bipolar parent. I do not want to pass this on and I'm praying they don't have it. My mother is bipolar and she didn't know when she had my brothers and I. I hope the cycle ends with me.

[pacman_789]

Thanks for sharing. I can relate; I too, wonder if I should have more children (I have one daughter, who I love with all my heart). It's hard to have confidence in your parenting abilities when you feel easily overwhelmed by little things that happen out of your control. With kids, that's a bad quality b/c things happen outside of my control quite often lol. I also get easily irritated when I'm not on meds, which makes me harder to get along with at home, but on the other hand, I'm much more productive and innovative at work. When I take meds, it's the opposite - my focus is poorer at work and my ambition is dampened, but my wife says she feels closer to me. Sometimes, I miss aspects of my personality when I'm in a manic b/c I can be fun to be around. But then, I remember the times we I would snap at the drop of a hat and how selfish I could be. Sorry - didn't mean to make your post about me. I guess we just have to accept that we are all broken in our own way. People without mental illness have their own problems, so we just have to do the best we can with the hand we've been dealt. I know I'm not the best father in the world, but I hope I live so that at the very least, my daughter knows how much I love her.

[yellow_fleurs]

It's a difficult subject. I am sorry you have felt it was not the right path for you. I do not think I want children, but have considered fostering or maybe even adopting when I am more settled financially and in my life in general. I would only do that if I felt stable enough to take care of a child, although I imagine with this diagnosis I could be determined to be ineligible. Otherwise, being an aunt is good enough for me.

[seoultous]

Have you tried family therapy?

[~Christina]

At least your aware of how you feel , that insight is a huge deal.

Are you seeing a Therapist ? I think seeing a Therapist is just as vital as being Med compliant.

[Moose72]

I love being a parent. Its not always easy mind you. Ive taken photos and recordings of my kids- i cherish them. Monday morning, I took my youngest (17) out for breakfast. We ended up looking up Gregorian chant on our phones and singing, following the old notation as we went. These are the times I cherish.

[sarahsweets]

I wanted to let you know that it is brave for you to share this. The fact that you are aware of it indicates to me at least, that you want it to be different. I believe wholeheartedly that some people are not cut out for kids. For whatever reason. It doesnt make them defective or bad- they just cant seem to find their knack with kids. In a perfect world those who never quite "got it" with kids would find a partner that also thought like them, but your heart doesnt always agree with your mind. In some cases people will do it for their partners or think once they have them then they will change. In some cases it works and in others it becomes regret. The most important thing now is to not let your kids think for one minute that they are not wanted, loved or part of your heart. I say..."fake it til you make it". You seem unselfish enough to want to not feel this way so even if you do, put on your best face and allow them to feel love and support. I knew from when I was a little girl that I wanted kids and when my husband and I got together when I was 18 we already picked out the names of the children we planned to have and got engaged when I was 19. I got pregnant and we moved the wedding up and I was married and a mom at age 20. We just knew we wanted the same thing.

[saidso]

Learning to be selfish has been an important part of my life journey because my childhood was all about compulsorily doing as I was told, or else being beaten senseless. I've enjoyed looking after friend's children for lengthy periods of time, but I also enjoy not being totally, utterly, compulsorily responsive to another human being.

There may be good reasons that you feel as you do. Children can be greedy, noisy, distracting and extremely irritating if you need silence to function .

Perhaps the difference that your partner sees since your diagnosis might be due to the fact that you are now conscious about your behaviour! Taking responsibility for that probably eases the life of people around you because they have a real, responsible person to relate with? They can see what is happening with you and where the edges are between you and them.

You are not mired in blaming yourself or people around you for your limitations.