My summer

Victoria'smom · Jun 03, 2019 at 07:59 PM

So for the first time in at least a month I am NOT nauseous!!!

Victoria'smom · Jun 05, 2019 at 03:52 PM

So I went to my last T appointment. I'm meeting my new T in a month and a half. I don't know if I can wait that long. I have lots of medical things going on and I'm on a lot of pill medications. I'm not good at taking medication especially without consistent therapy. I'm thinking about switching clinics yet again

. I need to find a place that has weekly sessions. The longer I go between sessions the more paranoid that whatever I say will be used to hospitalize me. So I end up being silent. Maybe I should wait and see about this new one. IDK. what would you guys do?

Victoria'smom · Jun 07, 2019 at 09:20 AM

So I thought I was doing okay. Mood wise I am but ED wise I'm ****ed. I just spent 2 hrs convincing myself to take my meds. Not because swallowing pills is extremely difficult for me but I didn't want to eat the yogurt because it's XXX cal instead of the XX cal. I know I need the calories I'm consistently hover around XXX. I can't get the lower cal one until the 18th because I bought so much of this kind. We don't have money for me to waste more food. I'm keeping a food log to bring to my Dr next Friday because she doesn't believe I eat healthy. I don't know whether to show my pdoc Monday. My husband doesn't know I'm keeping a food diary. I get competitive with myself. I don't see my new T until mid July. I just don't know what to do. PCP wants me to exercise too but if I do that my intake will zero out. My husband knows I'm having difficulty and has taken to cooking at least dinner. He doesn't know how bad it is. IDK what to do. Maybe it's just today because I over by XXX calories yesterday.

~Christina · Jun 07, 2019 at 11:58 PM

I absolutely can not keep a food log. All it does is cause me to restrict more and more. The only thing that I was able to do the last bad go around when my GP and Pdoc were pushing the possible need for a feeding tube ....I had was write the date on a slip of paper what I ate and slipped it into a slit on a sealed shut mason jar.

The next appt I would break the jar and just gather up the slips and let them look them over.

Some how with the help of my T Pdoc and GP I was able to avoid a feeding tube. There is not a single eating disorder clinic for a person my age with Medicare that will take me in a 500 mike radius.. It’s sad that many medical providers must think only teenagers suffer from anorexia.

Maybe doing a slip a day might work for you also ?

Victoria'smom · Jun 08, 2019 at 09:28 AM

Maybe doing a slip a day might work for you also ? Should I just wait until they ask me to keep track? I feel PCP doesn't believe me because I don't look it. I can look it real fast if that's the issue. I'm not at a weight that they're (PCP) concerned that I'm dropping weight even at X lbs a week. Though I am seeing her every two weeks . I thought I'd be fine writing it down because it's not like I don't keep track anyway but it's devastating to see it in black and white. It's like "Wow, I ate WAY to much." Did you add the calories of that "meal" or just what it was?

Victoria'smom · Jun 08, 2019 at 06:51 PM

I don't understand I feel fine but now I want to SH, like really bad. I don't get it I'm having all these symptoms but I'm not in a bad place I don't think. How would I know? I won't explaining that would be really hard. HELP!!!

BeyondtheRainbow · Jun 08, 2019 at 06:53 PM

Does your husband have your sharps and meds? If not that's a good firs step.

I'm sorry you're going through these symptoms.

Victoria'smom · Jun 08, 2019 at 07:17 PM

He doesn't know. I don't want to rely on him. I don't want him to know. It'll just start fights. I'm not strong enough to fight with him. I already stressed him out picking at dinner. How horrible is that? You fix a nice dinner and the other person literally picks at it. then throws it out. When he asked what was wrong with it I was truthful and told him nothing it's food. I'm not even pretending anymore. I don't get it. I'm halfway through this medication so there's a good thing but then what?

~Christina · Jun 09, 2019 at 01:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Maybe doing a slip a day might work for you also ? Should I just wait until they ask me to keep track? I feel PCP doesn't believe me because I don't look it. I can look it real fast if that's the issue. I'm not at a weight that they're (PCP) concerned that I'm dropping weight even at X lbs a week. Though I am seeing her every two weeks . I thought I'd be fine writing it down because it's not like I don't keep track anyway but it's devastating to see it in black and white. It's like "Wow, I ate WAY to much." Did you add the calories of that "meal" or just what it was?

It certainly wouldn’t hurt to do it. I didn’t write calories down only because I know them all without thinking... so no need for more ink on that slip.

Mine looked something like this , I only would eat one time per day anyway.

1 quarter of a small chicken breast plain, 1 small apple

Or

2 scrambled eggs and half a piece of plain toast.

I never season anything when I’m in a episode , (I don’t want any of my food to actually taste good,) just the thought of 20 more calories for a sprinkle of salt will make me restrict more.

Please stay safe

Victoria'smom · Jun 09, 2019 at 07:18 PM

I tried to tell him. He told me I have to eat more and that I'm not delusional, racing to negative calories. I'm not going to eat the whole yogurt tonight as it causes me discomfort. IDK what to do I see pdoc tomorrow and I'm fighting with myself to tell her the truth or to say my weight loss is due to gastritis. Both are the truth but you understand. I keep thinking I can get it under XXX without H even noticing. I just have to do x,y,z.

BeyondtheRainbow · Jun 09, 2019 at 07:19 PM

Your pdoc can't help if you don't tell them. And it sounds like if you want to avoid the huge vitamins you need to have all the help you can to eat.

~Christina · Jun 09, 2019 at 11:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I tried to tell him. He told me I have to eat more and that I'm not delusional, racing to negative calories. I'm not going to eat the whole yogurt tonight as it causes me discomfort. IDK what to do I see pdoc tomorrow and I'm fighting with myself to tell her the truth or to say my weight loss is due to gastritis. Both are the truth but you understand. I keep thinking I can get it under XXX without H even noticing. I just have to do x,y,z.

Well sure you can lie. You have in the past a lot .. which just lead you to being in a worse place mentally and physically or you can be honest and get more help now rather than later

Ultimately the choice is yours.

Victoria'smom · Jun 10, 2019 at 09:44 AM

Why am I deteriorating back into it so fast? Why don't I want to hold on to it? I don't get it. Another month+ who knows how sick I will be. Yes, I see my gp every 2 weeks but her advice was to eat more healthy stuff. I already feel I spend most of my time cooking and eating (which I know I don't). Maybe she can help through meds. I asked my insurance to go to a nutritionist but I have to go through my caseworker and I have no idea who that is. This whole thing is a mess.

Victoria'smom · Jun 10, 2019 at 10:26 AM

So My caseworker called I told her I can't find a GI dr and I need a nutritionist (didn't mention ED) She said she'll call back later this week with referrals.

Victoria'smom · Jun 10, 2019 at 06:05 PM

So I went. I told her my ED flared up and that I'm only taken in about XXX cal but she's unconcerned because I look healthy. Since my mood is good and I'm going to therapy (I told her infrequently) that she'll see me in ... 3 months. I didn't know what I expected. I mean who sees an overweight person and goes yeah they have an eating disorder. So I'm waiting for my case worker to call me back this week about a nutritionist and the GI dr. I don't even know why I have an appointment with my GP Friday. This can get so bad in a month and a half. I don't know. She said to worry about the ED after the gastritis is gone. That the abilify will increase my appetite. I wait out the hunger. I know I shouldn't.

yellow_fleurs · Jun 10, 2019 at 10:14 PM

I am not sure who you saw, but I think they should take you more seriously, it's not all about looks and as you said can deteriorate fast. I had that exact problem when I developed an eating disorder, that I declined quick. Three months is a long time. I know it's hard when we aren't mentally well, but if you think you need more help I hope you will continue to seek help for the ED, and not let someone tell you you are okay if you know that it is becoming more severe. I hope the caseworker is helpful.

Victoria'smom · Jun 11, 2019 at 07:17 AM

Besides changing clinics there's really nothing I can do but wait and find the courage to show my very new T the first time I meet her my food chart. My GP is checking my weight every 2 weeks. My husband even told me he wants to say "Relax, you're loosing weight it's okay." but "he knows that's not what it's about." So what I hear from everyone is: "Relax, you're loosing weight it's okay." So maybe I'm over-reacting, maybe it is okay. I told him the reason why I stress is because I don't want this to become a fight between us. He assured me as things progress he may get concerned but that we're both different people now. That he understands fighting with me will just make it worse. He likens flare ups to cheating on him. So there's that. If I haven't lost a significant amount of weight by Friday I plan to start exercising again. I think I'm going to just drop it and stop fighting so hard. Then pick up the fight when it does become a problem. Everyone including my own head is telling me it's okay. So maybe it is?

bizi · Jun 11, 2019 at 09:07 AM

You know your body and mind best. Do what your gut tells you to do.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi
You are stronger than you know.

yellow_fleurs · Jun 11, 2019 at 06:29 PM

If you have an active eating disorder, and are concerned it's flaring up then that's a good reason to seek help in my opinion. As bizi said, you know yourself best. EDs are tricky, they try to lie and tell us we're not bad enough off and should give into them more. Also, I get how confusing it can be when people say you seem well when you are not, that happened to me before when I was mentally unwell last year. Other people aren't in our minds and bodies and so we know best, though.
You deserve help, and I hope your therapist turns out to be a great fit and can help you with this and anything else you need to work on. EDs are problems regardless of the numbers and whether or not everyone can see the problem right away. Please take care!

Victoria'smom · Jun 11, 2019 at 07:01 PM

I couldn't even finish a whole sandwich today. Usually I'd just have half but I wouldn't/didn't eat anything before that. My husband wants me to eat little things throughout the day but that's too hard. I'm just going to give up on sandwiches. I'm really trying to convince myself I'm okay or it's just the gastritis like everyone says but other then the eating disorder I'm doing really well. We'll see how this week progresses.

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Victoria'smom Legendary Member Since Apr 2012 Location: Earth Posts: 14,908 (SuperPoster!) 12 5,443 hugs given	Jun 03, 2019 at 07:59 PM #61 So for the first time in at least a month I am *NOT* nauseous!!! __________________ Dx: Me- SzA Husband- Bipolar 1 Daughter- mood disorder+ Comfortable broken and happy "So I don't know why I'm tongue tied At the wrong time when I need this."- P!nk My blog
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BeyondtheRainbow Wise Elder Member Since Apr 2015 Location: US Posts: 9,233 (SuperPoster!) 9 9,387 hugs given	Jun 08, 2019 at 06:53 PM #67 Does your husband have your sharps and meds? If not that's a good firs step. I'm sorry you're going through these symptoms. __________________ Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD. Clozapine 250 mg, Emsam 12 mg/day patch, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1700 mg & 100-2 PRN,. 1.5 mg clonazepam., 50 mg Seroquel
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BeyondtheRainbow Wise Elder Member Since Apr 2015 Location: US Posts: 9,233 (SuperPoster!) 9 9,387 hugs given	Jun 09, 2019 at 07:19 PM #71 Your pdoc can't help if you don't tell them. And it sounds like if you want to avoid the huge vitamins you need to have all the help you can to eat. __________________ Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD. Clozapine 250 mg, Emsam 12 mg/day patch, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1700 mg & 100-2 PRN,. 1.5 mg clonazepam., 50 mg Seroquel
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Victoria'smom Legendary Member Since Apr 2012 Location: Earth Posts: 14,908 (SuperPoster!) 12 5,443 hugs given	Jun 10, 2019 at 10:26 AM #74 So My caseworker called I told her I can't find a GI dr and I need a nutritionist (didn't mention ED) She said she'll call back later this week with referrals. __________________ Dx: Me- SzA Husband- Bipolar 1 Daughter- mood disorder+ Comfortable broken and happy "So I don't know why I'm tongue tied At the wrong time when I need this."- P!nk My blog
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