Bipolar Questions Version 5

Please post on this post starting from now; this is a continuation.

Last question: How did you find this forum?

Answer: I know I was severely mixed and I really don't remember more than that.

Question: Do you have trouble tolerating fireworks? (Around here they continue for days so it is still appropriate July 5)

Last question; How did you find this place?

Being bipolar, and feeling so alone in my life, I google this place as a lifeline.

Question: Do you have trouble tolerating fireworks?

I just stayed in my house, had the TV turned off, read a book, and it sounded like a war zone outside.

In general, I like fireworks. I don't mind the noise and I enjoy the colors. We let the kids stay up late on the 4th to enjoy them. I wish people would stop at a reasonable time though. We heard them going off until midnight. My dog does not like fireworks. I don't like watching her suffer, but its only for a day. I also hate it for veterans who suffer PTSD because of the noise.

What happened in the last dream you can remember?

I told my husband this morning that I dreamt about having a new baby parrot. Some little boys were playing with it and in my dream I kept telling them to be careful with the little bird and to talk to it. I imagine that the recent premature loss of my parrot inspired this dream. In the dream, I was so worried for the baby parrot's safety.

Q: Was there a dream in your past that you woke up from feeling very happy? In brief, what about it made you happy?

not exactly... though one time I remember hearing lyrics in a dream of a song I never heard of, and it turned out (when I looked them up the following day), to be a song by annie lennox, which I now listen to all the time- as it also means so much to me

question: what was one thing you were terrible at as a child which you're now good at?

Math. I was pretty bad in elementary school but started coming around in middle school. I got an accounting degree then a MBA then a CPA. Math, math, math!

What was your favorite subject?

Modern Studies (Politics) learning about how to vote and the parliamentary system, UN, war, America and China history as well as Scotland and England and the difference. (Scotland got their own parliament in July 1999) and the devolved and reserved powers that come with it.

Question: How do you find mornings? Are you a morning person?

Wonderful! That’s when I’m my happiest, most hopeful, most peaceful self The day is fresh and new and full of hope! I wake up at 4:30 for 5:30 water aerobics when I’m not depressed. In addition, I have a morning routine that involves journaling, affirmations, visualization, yoga, a healthy breakfast and straightening the house, etc. i conk our usually between 9-9:30 Pm.

Are you a morning or evening person?

I'm still bad at math!

I remember being at school and doing what ever I could to get out of math

honestly I like them both.

I like the mornings for the dawn chorus, the sounds of the children going to school, the cooler weather (before the sun is at it's highest), and the whole new day, new start thing- not knowing what the day will bring can be exciting

but I like the evenings for the darkness, the quiet outside, again the cooler weather, and the fact that if I've had a long day it's just going to be over in a few hours

so I like them both

tea or coffee?

I love tea during the colder months. Fruit teas are awesome and raspberry zinger is my favorite. I rarely drink tea in the summer and just stick to coffee in the morning. This has me thinking though... Maybe I should try my raspberry tea over ice.

Do you prefer rain or snow?

I like rain the best

however: one time I was stuck in hospital while it was snowing outside and they told me I was ready to go, but they were worried (since I didn't have shoes with me) I'd slip) which is a genuin concern
I wasn't worried at all and walked out of the hospital in to the snowy carpark (and no, I didn't slip.)
is your current therapist male or female, and does it matter to you?

Female and it matters to me. I prefer to talk my issues through with another woman. I am just more comfortable with that. I don't mind a male pdoc though. I've seen two males and I actually prefer them over the female pdoc I saw.

What is your favorite form of exercise?

Dancing, for sure. I like all types of dance, though the majority of my formal training was in ballet. I also took modern, jazz, and ballroom/Latin styles.

Q: Can you play an instrument to any degree? Which one?

I can: flute, piccolo, mellophone, French horn, piano, violin and drums.

Is summer a good time for you symptom wise?

No, I'm not a summer person at all. I despise hot weather, I love winter and fall. Summer makes me paranoid a bit, everything is so bright and there's always people everywhere. Cold quiet months are my favorite

Can you speak/read or write more than one language?

I can read and understand some French. Basic French lessons in school are required in Canada but I never took it past high school.

What's your favourite holiday?

Christmas because I love watching my nieces enjoy it.

What is your favorite vacation ever?

I think that the very first time my husband and I went to Portugal. We spent most of our time in the southern part of Portugal, in the Algarve and Alentejo regions. I guess the time of year we went was perfect, too. Very few tourists. We found the south even more magical than the north. Plus, the southern Portuguese were particularly friendly. I remember it being one trip when my moods were perfect. We had plenty of money back then for vacations.

Q: Do you have a good sense of when you are truly "baseline/stable" in mood? How do you feel about those times, if you do?

I'd say I have a good sense, yes

I don't really feel anything about it though.. I mean the way I look at it, a mood's a mood- just like a chocolate bar is a chocolate bar

" how do you feel about that?" really ****s me off especially if the person doesn't really care

question: do you remember any episodes before diagnoses?. what happened

I was experiencing hypomania for weeks, turned manic and after a couple days I also got in a psychotic state of mind. I do remember more than I appreciate. (Most doctors were a bit surprised about that. For me not so much- it feels like different personalities- and during that manic episode I somehow got all the memories. Like the stable version got entangled with the unstable versions memories. It’s a long story )
Ended up in psych ward, against my will. Spent a week there, not talking to anyone (I refused) while I repaired myself in solitude.
I didn’t do much- most things was in solitude, I went into hibernation. Of course- eventually it leaked into reality and no one was able to understand my rambling words and bits and pieces of the inner chaos materializing on the outside.


Are you aware you are having an episode? And when do you get so far you don’t see it anymore?
If you are not having that severe experiences: do you feel guilty for not controling the illness even better?
(I do, I know it’s not my fault. Still feel guilty)

I was not aware I was having an episode. I thought I was just very productive and in sync with the universe for a few days and then one night it really spiraled out of control into pure psychosis. I was hallucinating and all kinds of bad things happened. I was violent and did all kinds of things that are completely insane and out of character. I repressed a lot of it. I dissociated a lot as well. The memories are still coming back to me in pieces.
I feel completely guilty that I didn't see it coming. I watched my mother experience psychosis once and I kick myself all the time for not recognizing it in myself. My husband tried to slow me down. He tried to get me to notice I was off and I brushed it aside. I had no idea this could happen to me. I had always been stable before and never experienced anything like it.

The shame is overwhelming sometimes. I'm doing all I can to stay healthy and I have learned what my triggers are. I pray all the time that I will be able to see it coming and get help asap if it ever happens again.

What is the most profound breakthrough you've had in therapy?

Learning to forgive myself and not blame myself for having symptoms.

Have you lost a friend to bipolar?

Many (I'm in my late 40s). My bipolar disorder has also prevented making new ones. I know my personality is a part of it, too. I've always been a non conformist. There is also another issue that complicates making and keeping female in-person friendships. It goes back to my teen years. Long story. It's a sad thing. I'd love to have more female friends. It's easier for me to keep and make friendships with men, though the male friendships have often had some sexual attraction elements (one-sided or both).

Q: What about your bipolar disorder has bothered or concerned other people most of all?

the fact I have it in the first place

seriously: I have met so many people who have shunned me just for having a diagnoses, which I think is so wrong.

as for actual psymtoms: the moods. many people find it scary how I switch from being nice and friendly to a nightmare

question: have you ever responded to negative stigma?. if so what did you say and what happened (as in, did that person learn about the illness.)