[Fuzzybear]

To those who have had DBT or have read some DBT concepts, how much does it help with setting healthy boundaries re those who are continuously disrespectful?

Hi Fuzzy. I had to review the DBT skills a bit and think about this first.

Acceptance of certain realities is indeed important. I don't mean accepting abuse or bad situations, but rather being able to move on from them. I know the reality is that there will be people, places, and things in life that cause stress, triggers, hurt, etc. but they don't determine my future or even present, in many cases. Stewing on things usually achieves little. If things need to be processed there are healthy ways to do so. A good therapist helps.

Loss is always terrible, in most forms, but is a reality in life. The void needs to be filled, when possible. The grieving process is important.

I know that I have hurt, triggered, stressed others. It's important for me to learn from that, sometimes apologizing or other amends. I know if both sides are guilty, there must be a truce or reckoning of sorts. Grudges hurt, and usually everyone involved. I also know that there are times we need to make a break from people, places and things or just take a "time out".

"Non judgmental Stance" is hard, but we have to work on minimizing judgement or directing it in a less harmful way. Again, sometimes it happens beyond our control, but that doesn't mean it can't be reversed/corrected or at least balanced out. Again, practice.

Interpersonal effectiveness skills are crucial. It's important to voice our feelings, while other times it is better not to. If we screw up a bit (or a lot), like I did a bit yesterday, we have to recognize it and learn from it. It's next to impossible to be perfect. Expecting perfection from self and others is a recipe for perpetual disappointment.

Give and take in life should be as balanced as possible. I know I have had to look elsewhere to create a balance in my life. So have others who've not received enough from me. Sometimes one doesn't realize the imbalance. Communication and feedback are crucial.

Distress tolerance skills have taught me ways to cope with many things and people. Again, such skills must be practiced and practiced. Sometimes life stresses bring on behavior that is hurtful to others. It's easy to blame oneself or others at times when really external factors are involved. Knee jerk reactions that aren't ideal happen to all of us, don't they?

I see Emotion Regulation skills closely linked with the CBT managing of cognitive distortions, which include black and white thinking, catastrophising, etc. They, too, require practice. I found with anxiety and anger triggers that we need to prepare ourselves in advance for common triggers. Like practice "not" reacting in certain ways or working through the feelings to gradually minimize them. For example, if a person tends to criticize or ignore me, it's helpful to remind myself that that is their tendency, so when I see them, I am more prepared to receive such behavior and act more appropriately. Oh my. I know that when I drive I often get triggered by traffic and other drivers. I now try to pull over to the side and let tailgaters pass me, rather than responding with equal or greater aggression. Am I perfect in other cases? No. Do I try pre-plan better reactions for the future? Yes. Do I succeed in implementing them? Sometimes, but usually more than before. And hills can seem impossible to climb, but there are ways to approach them that make them seem less intimidating.

Sorry so long and more than you asked for. Frankly, I appreciate you getting me to think about this stuff. Thank you!

Fuzzy, very briefly, I want to say that people who disrespect others are usually having trouble with themselves or their situations, in some way(s). It's good to know that.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Hi Fuzzy. I had to review the DBT skills a bit and think about this first.

Acceptance of certain realities is indeed important. I don't mean accepting abuse or bad situations, but rather being able to move on from them. I know the reality is that there will be people, places, and things in life that cause stress, triggers, hurt, etc. but they don't determine my future or even present, in many cases. Stewing on things usually achieves little. If things need to be processed there are healthy ways to do so. A good therapist helps.

Loss is always terrible, in most forms, but is a reality in life. The void needs to be filled, when possible. The grieving process is important.

I know that I have hurt, triggered, stressed others. It's important for me to learn from that, sometimes apologizing or other amends. I know if both sides are guilty, there must be a truce or reckoning of sorts. Grudges hurt, and usually everyone involved. I also know that there are times we need to make a break from people, places and things or just take a "time out".

"Non judgmental Stance" is hard, but we have to work on minimizing judgement or directing it in a less harmful way. Again, sometimes it happens beyond our control, but that doesn't mean it can't be reversed/corrected or at least balanced out. Again, practice.

Interpersonal effectiveness skills are crucial. It's important to voice our feelings, while other times it is better not to. If we screw up a bit (or a lot), like I did a bit yesterday, we have to recognize it and learn from it. It's next to impossible to be perfect. Expecting perfection from self and others is a recipe for perpetual disappointment.

Give and take in life should be as balanced as possible. I know I have had to look elsewhere to create a balance in my life. So have others who've not received enough from me. Sometimes one doesn't realize the imbalance. Communication and feedback are crucial.

Distress tolerance skills have taught me ways to cope with many things and people. Again, such skills must be practiced and practiced. Sometimes life stresses bring on behavior that is hurtful to others. It's easy to blame oneself or others at times when really external factors are involved. Knee jerk reactions that aren't ideal happen to all of us, don't they?

I see Emotion Regulation skills closely linked with the CBT managing of cognitive distortions, which include black and white thinking, catastrophising, etc. They, too, require practice. I found with anxiety and anger triggers that we need to prepare ourselves in advance for common triggers. Like practice "not" reacting in certain ways or working through the feelings to gradually minimize them. For example, if a person tends to criticize or ignore me, it's helpful to remind myself that that is their tendency, so when I see them, I am more prepared to receive such behavior and act more appropriately. Oh my. I know that when I drive I often get triggered by traffic and other drivers. I now try to pull over to the side and let tailgaters pass me, rather than responding with equal or greater aggression. Am I perfect in other cases? No. Do I try pre-plan better reactions for the future? Yes. Do I succeed in implementing them? Sometimes, but usually more than before. And hills can seem impossible to climb, but there are ways to approach them that make them seem less intimidating.

Sorry so long and more than you asked for. Frankly, I appreciate you getting me to think about this stuff. Thank you!

Hi BirdDancer and Fuzzy!

What a great question!
What a wonderfully helpful response!

I really appreciate both!

I deal with some chronically disrespectful people. I cannot totally avoid them because they are in my family. Thus, it is helpful to me to learn methods of dealing with them,and more importantly, learning to deal with my reactions to them.

I cannot change them. I can change how I react toward them.

BirdDancer, I so appreciate your comprehensive response! You have spared me from doing some additional homework today!

Learning to deal with my own reactions gives me a feeling of freedom, as they/their behaviors no longer dictate my response.

Thanks so much to both of you!

[bpcyclist]

I have taken a full Linehan DBT course twice. Find it very helpful, even though I do not have BPD. That said, I do not normally think of boundary-setting when I think of DBT.