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Neurodivergent
Member Since Mar 2012
Location: Western US
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#21
I have had two different psychiatrists tell me this same thing. I get SO upset with myself for my short-term memory deficits, when it's not my fault at all. It got so bad at one point that I asked my pdoc if I was developing dementia. I'm not, it's just brain damage from the combination of repeated bipolar episodes and the meds I'm taking to treat it. For some reason that made me feel a little better; I've seen so much dementia that I fear it more than almost any other illness.
__________________ DX: Bipolar 1 Anxiety Tardive dyskinesia Mild cognitive impairment RX: Celexa 20 mg Gabapentin 1200 mg Geodon 40 mg AM, 60 mg PM Klonopin 0.5 mg PRN Lamictal 500 mg Levothyroxine 125 mcg (rx'd for depression) Trazodone 150 mg Zyprexa 7.5 mg Please come visit me @ http://bpnurse.com |
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BipolarWolf, Wild Coyote
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BipolarWolf, Wild Coyote
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Member
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Texas
Posts: 305
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#22
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__________________ current meds: -Oxcarbazepine -Gabapentin -Hydroxyzine -Risperidone -Zoloft Psychotherapy 2-3 times a month as needed Bipolar 1, PTSD |
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Wild Coyote
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Wild Coyote
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Legendary
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Portland
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#23
Oh, man. Well, when I am in a florid manic episode, I can't remember anything. Short-term memory is just, like, nonexistent. It's bad. Now, I'm worried about the cumulative impact of all these psychotic and manic experiences on my poor memory apparatus. It just can't be helpful to one's memory to go through this kind of stuff over the years. Terrified of dementia and now, with this recent study showing a relationship between anticholinergic meds and increased dementia risk, I am just freaking about the Wellbutrin I've been on for years. Should I stop it? Is it too late, is the damage already done? Who knows. Not sure what I am going to do.
__________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
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#24
I thought I had added a post here, with the others, but I guess I didn't.
I have definitely experienced this type of memory loss. Thanks for sharing a more precise term for why/how this happens. I have always just used the more casual "manic blackouts". I know I've encountered many people over the years that have written about this. I had 10 hospitalizations and 12 PHP/IOPs, though I only really remember 5 hospitalizations, or maybe at least bits of 6. Bits of long periods even earlier in life, when I was clearly manic, are mostly lost -- way beyond the normal memory loss of mundane days. I agree that it is disconcerting. I remember asking my husband a number of times to tell me about my behavior or what happened during those "lost manic days". He usually refused to tell me. I'm sure he refused partly because it was too difficult to talk about and partly because he thought it best that I not know. Truth is, many of those "lost times" were likely traumatic to varying degrees. Very often when I was experiencing psychosis, it wasn't "magical" or "marvelous", but frightening or severely disconcerting. I often had delusions of persecution. |
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Member
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Texas
Posts: 305
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#25
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I don't understand how people think of their psychosis as magical or marvelous, so I get what you are saying there also. When I had my last episode, I had the persecutory kind. I don't want to experience that again. It was very dark and scary. I hope you are doing well and that things are calm for you now. / hugs __________________ current meds: -Oxcarbazepine -Gabapentin -Hydroxyzine -Risperidone -Zoloft Psychotherapy 2-3 times a month as needed Bipolar 1, PTSD |
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Anonymous46341, downandlonely
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Location: Portland
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#26
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__________________ When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them--Rodney Dangerfield |
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Anonymous46341, downandlonely
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Mar 2019
Location: USA
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#27
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Oct 2013
Location: KY
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#28
I totally get the experience of a magical/marvelous psychotic experience. I was once so high I literally believed I was experiencing heaven. But, it turned so, so terrifying so quickly so even given that I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy (although I sometimes secretly crave that feeling).
__________________ ***** Every finger in the room is pointing at me I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now Tori Amos ~ Crucify Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder |
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Member
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Texas
Posts: 305
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#29
For me, I don't remember. I get to a certain point and everything is gone from my memory. I have no recollection. I am told by others what took place. /sigh
__________________ current meds: -Oxcarbazepine -Gabapentin -Hydroxyzine -Risperidone -Zoloft Psychotherapy 2-3 times a month as needed Bipolar 1, PTSD |
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