FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
Member
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Texas
Posts: 305
4 168 hugs
given |
#1
I myself have gaps in my memory. I can't remember much, and If I do remember stuff, it's because I am reminded by other people. But even then, it's VERY spotty and it's like it's a memory from someone else and not my mind.
I had a bad manic episode last year. Like, arrested bad, I am doing much better. Even though I can't remember it that well. I took it seriously and got myself better meds and worked really hard to get stable. It's been a long road and I had to earn peoples trust and respect back. It was not easy. It's scary to not remember things you say or do and wind up like that. I felt like I was living someone else's mistakes. I was told that the reason I can't remember that stuff, is because It's impossible to access that part of my mind, because I am not in that state of mind. It's called state dependent memory retrieval. "State-dependent memory or state-dependent learning is the phenomenon through which memory retrieval is most efficient when an individual is in the same state of consciousness as they were when the memory was formed." I hope others will share or comment on this topic, even though it may be uncomfortable at first to say something. __________________ current meds: -Oxcarbazepine -Gabapentin -Hydroxyzine -Risperidone -Zoloft Psychotherapy 2-3 times a month as needed Bipolar 1, PTSD |
Reply With Quote |
bizi, fern46, Sunflower123, Wild Coyote
|
*Beth*, Wild Coyote
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Mar 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 3,021
5 4,300 hugs
given |
#2
There is a lot I don't remember about my episode. I had to be restrained and carted off in an ambulance. It was really bad and I still struggle to believe it was me that did the things I did. I was in a psychotic manic state and I blacked out for a lot of it. Some of it I can remember when my husband talks about it. Some of it has come back to me in bits and pieces. It feels like someone else's life because it wasn't the real 'me' making any of those decisions.
When I describe how it felt I explain that it felt like I was dreaming when it happened. I didn't think anything through and it was more like I was watching myself in a dream. Most of the memories I have recalled come back to me just after I wake from dreams. Maybe I'm in a similar brain state at that point and can access those hidden memories. That sounds similar to the theory you were given. It actually makes a lot of sense to me. I know what it feels like to have to earn trust back. I also know how hard it is to stay on track and do what you need to do to get better. Kudos to you for battling your way back. It isn't an easy road. |
Reply With Quote |
BipolarWolf, bizi, Sunflower123, Wild Coyote
|
*Beth*, BipolarWolf, Wild Coyote
|
Member
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Texas
Posts: 305
4 168 hugs
given |
#3
Thanks for your reply Fern, I appreciate it very much. I can totally understand how you worded that reply too. A lot of the times, my words fail me and I can't relay what I am trying to get across. You did a good job with your reply. I completely understand. Being Bipolar is its own special kind of hell. It's basically brain damage.
__________________ current meds: -Oxcarbazepine -Gabapentin -Hydroxyzine -Risperidone -Zoloft Psychotherapy 2-3 times a month as needed Bipolar 1, PTSD |
Reply With Quote |
bizi, fern46, Sunflower123, Wild Coyote
|
fern46, Wild Coyote
|
Member
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: New England
Posts: 99
4 5 hugs
given |
#4
i often forget a lot of my depression and mixed states.
in depression everything sort of blends into one big "ugh". in mixed, things change so fast i cant even keep up. though when im hypomanic/manic, i tend to do things that i remember simply because of how outrageous they are. __________________ Dx: BP1 + Substance Abuse Rx: Lamictal 400, Vraylar 6, Seroquel 50 (PRN) |
Reply With Quote |
BipolarWolf, bizi, Sunflower123, Wild Coyote
|
BipolarWolf, Phoenix_1, Wild Coyote
|
Veteran Member
Member Since Jan 2019
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 570
5 77 hugs
given |
#5
One of my worst manic-psychotic episodes lasted 8 weeks. In that episode I had to be restrained and sedated. I was a frenzy of psychotic energy. As the episode resolved I had an awful time with my short term memory. I was afraid I was permanently injured. My psychiatrist was great. He reassured me that with severe mania with psychosis memory interruptions were expected. He also reassured me I'd get my short term memory back. I did. My long term memory of that hospitalization is spotty. Other people had to fill in the gaps.
|
Reply With Quote |
BipolarWolf, bizi, Sunflower123, Wild Coyote
|
BipolarWolf, Wild Coyote
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Oct 2013
Location: KY
Posts: 3,667
10 3,076 hugs
given |
#6
I have life long memory issues. I attribute them to both my illness and my meds. I’m only 36 but people will tell me stories, sometimes ones that seem important, and I will have no recollection. I do remember parts of my episodes, mostly because when I’m manic, particularly psychotic, I think I’m a genius and need to capture every possible thought. So, I usually have a history in my writing. That being said, my mom and husband tell me things I don’t recall about my episodes as well.
__________________ ***** Every finger in the room is pointing at me I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now Tori Amos ~ Crucify Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder |
Reply With Quote |
BipolarWolf, bizi, Sunflower123, Wild Coyote
|
BipolarWolf, Wild Coyote
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Mar 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 3,021
5 4,300 hugs
given |
#7
Quote:
I agree it is brain damage. I have felt impaired on a number of levels since I had my episode. I am a very positive person though and I am determined not to let this experience take that from me. I've used it to expose my own weaknesses and work on myself. I'm healing emotional wounds and physical issues I was previously neglecting. I'm using it as an opportunity to learn about humility, mercy and grace. I'm here trying to give back and be supportive of others who are in the middle of their own Hell. You seem to be doing a lot of the same things. That's really amazing. So yeah, we experienced Hell on Earth, but we are also bringing Heaven into the mix every time we fight back. We are a little damaged and then stronger in so many wonderful ways. Don't lose sight of that! |
|
Reply With Quote |
BipolarWolf, bizi, cashart10, Sunflower123
|
BipolaRNurse, BipolarWolf, cashart10, Phoenix_1
|
Member
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Texas
Posts: 305
4 168 hugs
given |
#8
Thank you guys so much for your responses. I feel connected with the words that you chose. There are many things I wish I could type out, but my hands and brain just wont work together. Its something I have dealt with for a long time. I used to be able to type really fast and to get things out. But they are just stuck.
I am not good at replying to each and every one of you, but that is because I have been so anti social for so long that it seems out of character to do so. So I just went ahead and hugged and thanked all of you I have been reading about what different brains look like from scans. It's really interesting to see what a bipolar brain, depressed brain, ADHD brain look like. Just use google, filter it by images and type in bipolar brain. You will see what I am talking about. Thanks again guys, it really does mean a lot to me that I am not being ignored. I know how it feels. /hugs __________________ current meds: -Oxcarbazepine -Gabapentin -Hydroxyzine -Risperidone -Zoloft Psychotherapy 2-3 times a month as needed Bipolar 1, PTSD |
Reply With Quote |
bizi, cashart10, fern46, Sunflower123, Wild Coyote
|
cashart10, fern46, Wild Coyote
|
Legendary Wise Elder
Community Liaison
Member Since Jul 2011
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 22,450
(SuperPoster!)
12 12.7k hugs
given |
#9
I have huge gaps in memory when I’m in a episode up or down.
My T always reassures me that every Bipolar client he has seen in his nearly 50 year career reports the same memory issues during unstable times. I think our brain is just protecting us sometimes, at least that’s how I feel it does. I think it’s great that you have advocated for yourself when it comes to meds and to work so hard on yourself. That’s fantastic __________________ Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
Reply With Quote |
BipolarWolf, bizi, Sunflower123, Wild Coyote
|
BipolaRNurse, BipolarWolf, Wild Coyote
|
Wise Elder
Member Since Apr 2015
Location: US
Posts: 9,309
(SuperPoster!)
9 9,625 hugs
given |
#10
My therapist says that I don't remember bad episodes for good reason. He'll tell me a little about it if I ask but mostly we just call it my brain protecting me and try to move on. Even when I do remember it often doesn't match his memories well and I tend to believe him more because I know I was a mess when I made the memories.
__________________ Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD. Clozapine 250 mg, Emsam 12 mg/day patch, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1700 mg & 100-2 PRN,. 1.5 mg clonazepam., 50 mg Seroquel |
Reply With Quote |
BipolarWolf, bizi, Sunflower123, Wild Coyote
|
BipolarWolf, Wild Coyote, ~Christina
|
Guest
Posts: n/a
|
#11
My memory sucks in general because I've had two severe concussions and underwent ECT, but I do forget the "peaks" of my episodes too.
|
Reply With Quote |
BipolarWolf, bizi, Sunflower123, Wild Coyote
|
BipolarWolf, Wild Coyote
|
Member
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Texas
Posts: 305
4 168 hugs
given |
#12
Thanks for your replies guys. It's different getting a response from people who have Bipolar than it is to just read about it online or something.
I am always at the docs office and I tell them stuff and they are like,... "that's normal" and I am scratching my head thinking, normal for who ? __________________ current meds: -Oxcarbazepine -Gabapentin -Hydroxyzine -Risperidone -Zoloft Psychotherapy 2-3 times a month as needed Bipolar 1, PTSD |
Reply With Quote |
bizi, Sunflower123, Wild Coyote
|
*Beth*, BipolaRNurse, Wild Coyote
|
Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since May 2013
Location: Chicago
Posts: 26,412
(SuperPoster!)
11 22.8k hugs
given |
#13
I was having pretty bad memory issues until my pdoc recommended fish oil.
__________________ Hugs! |
Reply With Quote |
BipolarWolf, bizi, Sunflower123, Wild Coyote
|
BipolarWolf, Wild Coyote
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Oct 2013
Location: KY
Posts: 3,667
10 3,076 hugs
given |
#14
Oh...I just remembered (lol) when my t and I do emdr (which we do for many things), it usually brings up tons of memories.
__________________ ***** Every finger in the room is pointing at me I want to spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now Tori Amos ~ Crucify Dx: Schizoaffective Disorder |
Reply With Quote |
BipolarWolf, Sunflower123, Wild Coyote
|
BipolarWolf, Wild Coyote
|
Member
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Texas
Posts: 305
4 168 hugs
given |
#15
__________________ current meds: -Oxcarbazepine -Gabapentin -Hydroxyzine -Risperidone -Zoloft Psychotherapy 2-3 times a month as needed Bipolar 1, PTSD |
Reply With Quote |
Sunflower123, Wild Coyote
|
Sometimes psychotic, Wild Coyote
|
Junior Member
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Chile
Posts: 14
4 18 hugs
given |
#16
Quote:
Aparently is quite "normal" to have memory loss on certain episodes, but i hate the approach that doctors give to that. Like, ok, its normal for us, i got it. BUt what the hell we are supose to do. Is reversible? its gonna get worse?? How damaged are we?? I mean, when i was diagnose (10 years ago) the hospital didnt has a programe for cognitive therapy. When i asked for it they answer me "there is still no fully evidence about the neuronal damage........however every patient mentions those simptoms" and i was like "ARE YOU **KIDDING ME" hahhahahahaha Last edited by Brienne; Sep 19, 2019 at 01:28 AM.. |
|
Reply With Quote |
BipolarWolf, Moose72, Sunflower123, Wild Coyote
|
*Beth*, BipolarWolf, Moose72, Wild Coyote
|
Member
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 457
6 177 hugs
given |
#17
When I am really sick- psychotic mostly- my memory is spotty. I dont know if its a problem with my memory being IMPAIRED or if its because I am usually so confused because so much extraneous stuff is going on that I dont know what to focus on/am constantly pulled in so many directions- so Im just not paying attention to things people normally pay attention to and thats why I cant remember them.
|
Reply With Quote |
BipolarWolf, Wild Coyote
|
BipolarWolf, Moose72, Wild Coyote
|
Grand Member
Member Since Jul 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 907
12 214 hugs
given |
#18
There is a lot of my life that I can't remember. I've been bipolar 2 all my life. I believe bipolar messes with my memory big time, especially when I'm hypomanic or manic. Right now my biggest problem is too many meds messing up my short term memory. I take 4 different psych meds, and my brain is mush most of the time. I also take 2 meds for high blood pressure, 1 for high cholesterol, and 3 inhalers for asthma. No one can tell me what drug interactions I may have from taking so many meds. I take it 1 day at a time, and luckily my boyfriend has a very good memory to help me out when needed.
__________________ Dx: BP2 with GAD and OCD Seroquel 100 mg Risperdal 0.5 mg Clonazepam (Klonopin) 1.5 mg Buspar 5 mg Lamictal 200 mg Coversyl Plus for high blood pressure Crestor for high cholesterol Asmanex Ventolin |
Reply With Quote |
*Beth*, BipolarWolf, Wild Coyote
|
BipolarWolf, Wild Coyote
|
Silver Swan
Member Since Jan 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 16,588
(SuperPoster!)
16 2,589 hugs
given |
#19
Quote:
__________________ Wellbutrin XL 300 mg Ingrezza 80 mg Propranolol 20 mg 2x/day Invega 3 Mania (December 2023) Mixed episode/Hypomania (September 2023) Depression, Anxiety and Intrusive thoughts (September 2021) Depression & Psychosis (July/August 2021) Mania (April/May 2019) |
|
Reply With Quote |
BipolarWolf, Wild Coyote
|
BipolaRNurse, BipolarWolf, Wild Coyote
|
Member
Member Since Sep 2019
Location: Texas
Posts: 305
4 168 hugs
given |
#20
Quote:
Here is a really interesting article and website for Bipolar Disorder, the navigation on the left has some good reading as well. Check it out. (if you are up to it and have time) Brain Damage From Bipolar Disorder | HealthyPlace - EDIT Brain scan of a bipolar brain would NOT look "normal" - and thank you everyone for your replies! __________________ current meds: -Oxcarbazepine -Gabapentin -Hydroxyzine -Risperidone -Zoloft Psychotherapy 2-3 times a month as needed Bipolar 1, PTSD Last edited by BipolarWolf; Sep 19, 2019 at 05:00 PM.. |
|
Reply With Quote |
Wild Coyote
|
*Beth*, Wild Coyote
|
Reply |
|