medical problems? oh well.

I have to get bloodwork done regularly for clozapine, and my last CBC came back with elevated white blood cell count and some other concerning things. My doctor is going to contact a hematologist to see if he needs to do more aggressive testing.

I was nervous at first, but now all I can think of is good riddance to my life. If this turns out to be something serious, oh well. Just let me die.

I'm trying to challenge these thoughts as best as I can, but it's hard.

What other meds are you taking? I know I have had elevated white blood cell count just from taking lithium.

Having to go to a hematologist sounds upsetting and scary. I hope everything turns out okay.

I am sorry you are struggling. I have similar thoughts and feelings all the time. It is hard. Do you have anything at all that you do enjoy? I like to ride my bike, so I do that every morning and it actually takes my mind off these thoughts and gives me some enjoyment. Seems to help. Do you have any distractions, anything like that?

I was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 years ago. Because of a surgery complication I had a nearly lethal complication. I also had 3 rounds of chemotherapy. My advise, take each step as it comes. If you look at it as one huge crisis it's easy to be crushed by it. It's one test at a time. One Dr.'s appointment at a time. Decisions get made one by one. I was utterly alone going through treatment. I have few friends and no family. However, my psychiatrist looked out for my medical wellbeing and literally did save my life when symptoms of a complication (a knot in my colon) were ignored. You can get through your challenge. Just take it in baby steps.

Keep posting. I'll keep answering.

I find this post incredibly inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing a bit of your story, difficult though it must have been. You got through it. I was just sharing somewhere else something about goals or something and I said my goal is to sleep tonight. That's it. Baby steps. One foot in front of the other. I don't worry about all that other stuff. I can't. I just do what's right in front of me. It seems to be working because I am still alive.