Bipolar Check-In #38

ChildofChaos and whatever2013,

Lovely exchange. Heartwarming to read.

Be well.
Much Love to you both.

It's great to have you posting again!

Thanks for this

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

I know it’s difficult I’ve been rather quiet the last few days, got a bit stuck in my head.

Did you have a day when you were out ?

Had another headache from not eating very much. I was trying to read at Starbucks to get out of the house. My friend bought me a coffee and I found the gift card Noah got for his birthday. There was enough for a bagel with cream cheese.

I have had a headache for a couple days but eating chicken for dinner tonight fixed that up. I really shouldve eaten something BEFORE I left the house to read. Now I'm in bed in my freshly laundered sheets. Oh! But I slept through my appointment with my case manager this morning! D'oh! I'll have to call in the morning to reschedule.

@christina I'm sorry to read that you're still sick! I mean for godsakes! When will you get a break?!

Moose72 can you go to the food bank?

Agreed! Beautiful words @whatever2013

I see a Pulmonary specialist on Nov 7th .. When I take the dogs out to the pasture it’s about a 30-40 second walk and I get half way and very short of breath. It’s ridiculous.

Have you checked with food banks/ churches ?

Your caseworker might know of one or maybe get you a voucher for emergency funds for food.

Not being able to afford food is scary and yes it can make you sick.. can your daughter pitch in and buy some food to get through the month?

The past couple of months have been rough. The weather is messing with my moods quite a bit. Plus my Grandma is dying of cancer. Been crying lately. I see my therapist tomorrow. I think I need a meds adjustment. I don't see my p-doc until the end of next month. I could always call and see if she can see me earlier than that. Mixed mood today. Okay earlier but not so much now. Trouble sleeping at night. Just a mess right now.

After five hours sleep I woke up at 4 am this morning feeling nauseas with a splitting headache. Also I was sweating and shivering mildly. As the morning progressed it became clear these are symptoms of tapering off of Lithium. Even though I haven't changed my dose for a week I decided to increase it a little and see if that helped. It did a little.

Thankfully I had a 2 pm appointment with my pdoc already booked for today. He suggested I stay on the higher dose until the symptoms pass then continue tapering. He trusts I am smart enough to work out the pace of taper that will avoid any more symptoms so didn't dictate to me a rigid plan. He is good that way. He encourages self-autonomy and taking control of my health, including if/what meds to take. The only time he is more authoritative is when I am severely mixed and psychotic so less able to make good decisions for myself. Today he asked a lot of brief questions to make sure I was stable, safe, and enjoying my life despite the hiccups coming off of Lithium. I've been told by him and my T that it is risky business as it can trigger episodes, or not protect you from them. I guess he is trying to be safe by making sure I am closely monitored. While I am grateful for this support I feel confident I will come out the other end in good shape.

Time for 'Roseanne' now. I have rediscovered the old episodes from the 90's. Right when I was in my teens. My family used to watch it together every week, and laugh a lot, so it brings back good memories.

Well, I've been up since 4am because of the mice rustling. Little f***ers...

Still need to clean up, but I haven't done so in a while. I did a little bit on Monday, but not a ton. Definitely not enough, either.

I would clean up NOW, except... there is that sociopath downstairs who I don't want to anger. Just lots of violence and laughter after being violent and after screaming/yelling/insulting his wife or gf. He just thinks it's funny to be abusive. I don't, and I don't want any part of it, either, so I try my best to keep quiet early in the morning.

Otherwise, doing alright. Wish I could go back to bed, though, but not with the rustling of the mice in the walls. It keeps me awake.

Yeah we visited the u.s. for a day the weekend before last.

It went well, we chatted about allot in the car, while shopping, at dinner, at the temple etc. But I was not feeling withdrawn that day so it was ok.

Just lately, I've been feeling more withdrawn.

Moose, I am sorry your dad is in the same situation as mine

jmariah, I am sorry your grandma is so sick. Cancer is horrible!

Wander, I hope you feel better soon.

I imagine the sound of the mice is quite disturbing. If this continues it might not be long before they invade your living space. I wanted to offer a few thoughts as this has been going on for over a month. You shouldn't have to live uncomfortably.

I know you mentioned you do not want management to see the mess in your apartment. Is it in a state where it is a violation, or are you just uncomfortable with it? If it is the former, take the time out to handle the mess. You don't want to lose your place. Most contracts state management can come in uninvited anyway. They may do that if someone else reports the mice. The cleanup doesn't need to be perfect. Just good enough.

If the situation is just that you are uncomfortable with it, maybe clean a bit, but throw your energy into challenging your thoughts. I worked in property management and I saw all kinds of truly messy places. The situations that were truly an issue or shocking were very few. The most important thing is living in a comfortable space free of pests, not what a stranger thinks of your cleaning skills.

I know you have a lot of boxes and you want to break them down and recycle them. That takes time, but you can knock out a huge pile in an hour. My husband does this for us all the time. You can go this route, but you could also consider this a minor emergency. Maybe this one time you just haul the boxes to the dump? Or maybe you can flatten them all out and put them in a stack in one room for now.

Cleaning can take time, but you can get a lot done quickly if you focus. I play upbeat music to help me along. I have a lot to clean in addition to shuffling other tasks every day. I never have long stretches of time to do it. I make a list and just rock out one thing at a time and then move to the next. Your apartment doesn't need to be spotless, just picked up enough for maintenance to walk through safely. Nothing should be in a hazardous state and you shouldn't have anything rotting lying around. Make your must do list and just do it. If you can do your work work while your jerk neighbor is doing his thing early in the morning and then do your cleanup while you'd typically be working.

This is all very doable in a few hours for an apartment. Stay focused and get this done. Mice means mice feces and they bring that into your home. That's unsanitary and definitely unpleasant even if it is just in your walls, the air circulates. Maybe ask your dad to pop by and help with the boxes or something, but start looking at this as easy work. You'll feel much better when this is done and you aren't losing sleep to this issue. Sleep is critical for your mental health. Fight for it.

Hi,
It's good to have you posting. I am very sorry your garndma is ill. It's very sad to lose our loved ones. grandmas tend to be extra-special to many of us.

Our grief is often complicated by watching our loved ones suffer, especially with prolonged suffering.

Sometimes, our moods are strongly affected by our grief. While grieving is "normal," and often alters our mood, you know yourself best.

it never hurts anything to contact one's pdoc. Chances are your therapist and your pdoc can help to sort out grief vs mood swings. It can be difficult to discern the difference without outside help.

It's a treat to have you here with us.
I hope you will continue to take good care.
Please let us know how you are doing?

Love and Prayers for you and for your grandma.

Hi Blue,

i understand your reticence to anger your neighbor. I have found fern's suggestions very sound, as per usual. Fortunately, you often have schedule flexibility. it is best to get the varmits out of your space!

I want to go back to bed, too. i am very sleepy from extra pain meds, etc. I do have to push in order to meet some very real deadlines. Maybe can rest later.

I hope you have a great day!

Miracle of miracles- peter gave me 50 bucks! I already had 20 so now I can get food, gas, laundry soap, ..!

Well last night I broke my rules about eating and paid for it by throwing up again. Mum and I went to a church supper, it was at 5 so it was before my 6pm cut off but the proportions were large and I ate it all. It was delicious. Meatloaf, mashed potatoes and a corn pudding with jello. I didn't even eat the desert! I sure hope the doc has a magic pill or something cause the tiny amounts I'm eating are too little.

I hope the doctor figures something out soon, sorry you're getting sick when you eat

I went to the food pantry today, got enough stuff to get me through till my foodstamps come in on the 2nd. No panic attacks for 4 days now, very happy about that!