[Zuzian]

Hey, it's been a long time since I've posted here. But I'm kind of at a loss. I'm having a bit of a moment of clarity, but I don't know what to do.

A few weeks ago I had a sudden, strong thought that I didn't need my meds anymore, and haven't taken them since. It's mostly stayed that way, but for brief periods like right now, where I feel some clarity and wonder what the hell I'm doing. I stopped seeing my therapist about a month before stopping my meds, after I cancelled an appointment and just never heard back. I haven't seen my pdoc since January. I know I should get help, I'm feeling super weird, like I might be building up to something, and my anxiety is through the roof. But that's the problem. The thought of seeing my pdoc or therapist is making me want to puke. I love my pdoc, and I want to find a new therapist, but I'm still nervous af. It almost feels like I'm back to square one when I was diagnosed a little over a year ago, mentally.

I don't even really know what I'm asking or doing. I guess I just think you all get it.

[wildflowerchild25]

We do get it. I went through many periods of ditching meds before it really sank in that I needed them. I encourage you to reach out to your pdoc. As for finding a therapist that can be a bit dicey right now due to world events but maybe your pdoc can point you in the right direction. Don’t worry, you’ve got this! And we are always here for you.

[Rick7892]

I don't like having BP and anxiety, though I have had them for years. I have gone through times where I thought that I am doing OK now with self-help measures, so I can ease up and not go through the hassles of dealing with providers because I am "cured." My providers haven't found a medication that is more beneficial than the side effects. So I haven't been cured, though sometimes I get respites from the mania/hypomania...

Even though it was awkward for me to bring it up again to my providers or to a therapist I hadn't seen in a while, it helped, and the therapist was understanding.

Touching base with your pdoc and therapist may help you sort things out as can posting and reading posts in this forum or in journaling about what is going on for you...

Sending good thoughts!

[bpcyclist]

The experience you describe is so incredibly common with bipolar disorder that, if I were asked to define the illness, myself, as I believe it actually most often occur in nature, I would include intermittent periods of feeling either cured or misdiagnosed coupled with a strong desire to stop all meds--and frequently, going ahead and acting on that desire--as a diagnostic criterion. This is not meant to be funny. I am totally serious here.


But, if you actually have bp 1, the data are not even remotely in question. You will have a recurrence, almost certainly. Only a very tiny % of people who were correctly diagnosed with the illness go into a "permanent" remission. Very, very rare. Sadly, the majority of these recurrences are severe, not uncommonly requiring hospitalization.


If you decide to stay off your meds and if your diagnosis was, in fact, correct, 96% of patients recur within 12 months. So, if you really, really want to do this and can make it to the end of that 12th month, there is a chance you could be one of the "permanent" remission folks. You will just have to decide if the risks are worth any potential reward.

I did this very thing in 2012 when a new, IP pdoc, announced that she "wondered" if I really had it. We stopped everything. I was great for ten months. A little hypo, for sure, at times., but not too, too bad. Then, at the beginning of month 12, I had a massive mixed recurrence. It was hell on wheels. I will never, ever stop my meds again, no matter what anyone says. Never.

Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Zuzian]

Thanks everyone. I have an appointment with my pdoc next Thursday, I'm still relatively lucid right now but I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin and I'm really overreacting to everything. I definitely need to get help before whatever is happening takes off.

[*Beth*]

Good for you for making that appointment