Bipolar check in #39

Over 100 pages in old check in, here's the new one!

Thanks nammu!

I have a bad feeling about my new job. I can’t describe it; it’s just a feeling that it will be too overwhelming. This is possibly because teaching was so overwhelming. I will be a one to one aide for a student with behavioral problems. That’s usually not good. That means the kid is out of control so bad they need one person to hang out with them to calm them down or something like that. I’m also not getting paid too much more than I am at my current job. But I definitely don’t want to deal with the kid from my current job if he comes back. I can’t handle his level of autism. I know how to handle BD students; I don’t know how to handle violent, self injurious autistic students. So I’d rather have the BD student.

Sigh...I’m just worried about employment in general. I’ve attempted so many times and failed. But I can’t go on disability. That would be even less than I make now and I’d just sleep all day.

I think I can do this. I really do. I just have to have a positive attitude and counter my negative thoughts. That’s what my t would tell me to do.

I haven’t gone to work in two days bc my son’s been sick. He’s got an ear infection and a cold. He didn’t really have to stay home today but he said his stomach was upset and he has vomited in the past from post Nasal drip. So I kept him home. He’s fine now though. Should have just chanced it and sent him to school so I could go to work. Oh well.

Had nightmares all last night

Tomorrow is my mom 60th birthday party. I am still waiting for my brother to back out. So far he hasn’t but I don’t trust him. That would make my mom feel terrible and I would certainly have to say something to him then. I wouldn’t be able to contain my anger.

Hope everyone has an enjoyable weekend!

Wildflowerchild You can do it. You will be OK. And if it’s too much, it’s too much. I tried teaching 7th grade life science and lasted 3 days after the students began school. It was beyond overwhelming. H taught high school physics for 3 years, and he said his first year was the worst. He liked teaching, but he hated all the stuff admin dumped on teachers, being under appreciated and underpaid.

Sorry about your struggle trying to get disability.

If this job isn’t for you, I would start the job search ASAP.

It’s a small thing, really, but after dinner a couple nights ago, H and my daughter were goofing around, and I was periodically tickling my daughter, and I had a thought, “I am happy.” Not manic, wild happy high but content, genuine happiness. I haven’t thought that in years! It’s not like I am happy or content 24/7, but in certain moments I am.

A small thing but big for me.

I saw my case manager at pdoc's office this morning. She said I can apply for foodstamps WITHOUT n2 so I'd qualify! I will do that soon! If I can get n3 to apply too that would be great! We also talked about Alanon meetings I can try. Im a bit hesitant to jump into that- I tried years ago before I had kids and didnt like it much. But, times change and people change so Im going to give it another go all these years later.

@~Christina Now you've lost you're voice? Ugh! Not being able to talk sucks. You don't realize how much you talk in a day until you can't.

I'm sitting at the book store not even reading. I should really get gas and buy a few groceries and laundry soap.

And I aught to eat. I've only had a McDonald's coffee and some chocolate covered coffee beans so far today and its 5-to-noon already! I should go home and make a smoothy.

Thanks Nammu!
I admire you and your insightful comments!
Much love!

@Moose72. In the past, I have found Alanon/ACOA/AA/NA groups' personalities are very different from one another at different locations.

I hope you find a helpful group!

It's nice your case manager could help!

Much Love

Yesterday, I got to my psychiatrist’s office 10 minutes early. I sat in the parking lot with the music on. The sun was starting to go down a bit. I happened to look in my rear-view mirror and what did I see? "I Myname" written on the dirty rear windshield. I knew my husband wrote it there. I also figured it was a sign that maybe it's time to get into the ole’ car wash line. Or maybe not! I'd be really sad to see that message gone.

Of course, I talked about my dad during my psychiatrist session. I think my pdoc knows my dad better than any of my dad's past doctors combined. He even suggested something for my siblings and me to talk to the hospital doctors about. He said they now have an injectable Naltrexone that lasts a month. It helps curb alcoholics cravings. I had taken the pill form in the past, but found it less effective than the med acamprosate, that pdoc also mentioned. But apparently the new injectable Naltrexone has proven efficacy. It may not stop dad's drinking, but maybe at least cut it down.

It came up that I wish I could coerce my dad to finally go to a psychiatrist. I doubt I'll succeed (I’m deluding myself), but I asked him if he thought Dr. X would be good. To my surprise, he said that he would be willing to accept him. Of course, I think he's the best doc, but believed such an arrangement wasn't recommended. But pdoc said that in this case, it could be advantageous since he has so much information already (though just my side of the story). I’m still not sure, though. Plus, my dad likes to tell doctors what HE wants them to know, which is usually misleading or even downright lies. Anyway, I believe Dad would otherwise like him, but if pdoc ever suggested to him that he had bipolar disorder, that would likely be the end of visits. Note that pdoc would never pre-diagnose him based on just my stories.

I'm having one of those days where I'm just not really getting out of bed. Had to force myself to shower. I'm not depressed or anything, just tired I guess. Not in the mood to do much of anything. I'm going to a free community brunch tomorrow, so that will be nice.

FANTASTIC!!!
It's great you are noticing this and I hope you experience this more often!

The message on your car is so sweet. Your husband is gem!

That med sounds like a really good option. It would be great if your dad would consider it. Also, it would be fantastic if your dad would consider seeing your pdoc. He sounds like a very intelligent, insightful and compassionate man and you know you can trust him. You dad might also relate better to someone who is male and older like your pdoc.

I continue to send postive energy to this situation. I know it has been so hard for you and you're handling it all amazingly well.

No no no! This is a HUGE thing. Everyone should have this feeling and I am so happy for you that you were able to experience it again.

Your recent posts have sounded so good and healthy. I am so happy for you. you deserve a happy life.
(((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

I deeply admire your willingness to hang in with your dad. ' I know it is not easy.

I know it sounds tempting to have your dad seen by a doctor you trust. I realize my advice may not be popular. I strongly advise against sharing a pdoc. It is heavily frowned upon by the psychiatric profession and for many very sound clinical reasons.

I have had some experiences with similar circumstances.

I'd had an actively alcoholic brother. I loved him and would do anything for him, especially when he talked of getting sober. My doctor offered to take him in. I thought my brother would do well with this doctor, so I was excited and hopeful. This arrangement had turned into a nightmare. My brother had major issues. He would go to see this doctor and would make up stories about me in cases where he thought he could escape responsibility by telling some outrageous story about me. He would then swear by his story when later confronted by the doctor. My brother was a very convincing manipulator, as are many alcoholics. He made a mess of my relationship with my doctor and within the clinic as a whole. My relationship with this doctor went from a very helpful, healing, trustworthy relationship to a very distrustful, broken-down mess. Our relationship never recovered and I had to find a different doctor.

I've had an acquaintance who was new to the area, was in crisis and could not find a mental health practitioner to see in a very timely manner. "Helper" that I am, I contacted my pdoc to see if anyone in his practice was able to see her soon. He did get her connected with another pdoc in his practice. It turned into a nightmare! This person's pdoc was supervised by my pdoc. This person was constantly reporting that I was causing problems for her, etc. (It was unbelievable what was being said/reported and I did not have a lot of contact with this person.) It caused major upset at the clinic, as my pdoc was getting reports on me which were not true at all. Her pdoc was getting these reports and continued to give them to my pdoc. It was crazy-making!

My H has a pdoc in the same practice as my retied pdoc. Since he saw his pdoc for meds, mainly, there seemed to be no major issues for me seeing my H's pdoc. H and I were considered as having a very stable marriage, which I was told was taken into account. My pdoc has retired and my H's pdoc had offered to take me in as a patient, as there is a huge shortage of pdocs in this area. This pdoc had gotten the okay from my H for him to take me on. I had declined and I am lucky I did so, as I had no idea of what was to follow, meaning the mess with my marriage. What would have happened with this pdoc had I agreed to become his patient, too?

I have found out that it can be very difficult, at times, destructive, with family members (and some types of acquaintances) seeing the same pdocs. Sometimes, it can be very trying to even share the same practice.

In thinking about this, I have a couple of more stories where things did not go well in sharing doctors/practices with friends/family.

I may be very biased. I am sure, very sure, these guidelines against sharing pdocs/therapists with another family member are put in place for very good reasons. I will never again offer my pdoc, accept an offer from a pdoc involved with my family, help a family member or a friend (especially someone we know is manipulative) into the same practice. I will help them to find another reliable pdoc/therapist and/or practice.

Please take any part of this that may be helpful to you and leave the rest. I thought it important that I take the time to write this out , hoping something I share might help you to make a decision based in your own best interest, which does not preclude finding good care for your dad.

Just my 2 cents.
I hope you will not be offended by my stance. I think you know I care. I care about the welfare of both you and your dad. I believe both/each of you can be properly cared for without risking any disturbance in your relationship with your pdoc. It is better to be safe than sorry.

Much Love to You and to Yours!

Your recent posts have been a treat to read, Blueberrybook! It's amazing to see how your new treatment (Lithium, right?) is kicking your bipolar's butt. Please enjoy these days! I'm wishing that they continue on and on. Your deserve such happiness! Your posts also provide great hope to others who are still struggling. Things can and do get better!

fern and Wild Coyote, I very much appreciate both of your thoughts about potential "sharing" of a psychiatrist. Wild Coyote, you're quite kind to share all of the stories, which I'm sure bring you some pain, as well.

As I wrote, I am kind of reluctant to share my psychiatrist and was taken off guard when he suggested himself. That's why I proposed Dr. X as an option. However, I'm going to add another element to this by mentioning that Dr. X is my husband's psychiatrist! I felt/feel that there is enough distance between Dad and my husband that it wouldn't be that big of a deal for them to share. My husband only really sees his pdoc once every three months, and mostly to just get refills on his ADD and depression meds. And hubby is a very low controversy type of a guy, and very believable. He also has little "therapy time" with his pdoc (more med check), though Dr. X does offer therapy, too. At least I know hubby's pdoc enough to know that he, like my pdoc, has experience with addictions treatment, as well as mood disorders. Both my husband's and my pdoc were IOP pdoc's at the local IOP for years and hospital pdoc's as well. They now just have their private practices. I have once met my husband's pdoc and that pdoc knows I have bipolar disorder. The extent of that pdoc's interest in me is to simply ask hubby if I'm doing well (likely to know hubby's stress). He, like my pdoc, is an older man and very likable. I think my dad would like Dr. X, too. He's more my dad's type than mine would be. Plus, I think my pdoc would potentially have a leaning towards me. I have known my pdoc for almost 13 years.

Wild Coyote, out of curiosity, do you agree Dr. X might not be so problematic? I don't see my husband's pdoc as getting involved with any drama. My husband hasn't really been that depressed in years. I think he mostly just chats with his pdoc, whereas I do have much more significant conversations with my doctor, though I also have a therapist.

As a shocking aside, the last pdoc my dad had set him up on a blind date with one of his female patients. Can you believe that?!?

I am glad it's friday.

I have been doing okay today. not been that productive, but I have been feeling okay emotionally

I thought I was less tired today. Then I walked down the driveway to get the mail and I thought I was going to have to take a nap to get back home. My mom is away and we have a sick dog so I'm hanging out at her house to let the dog in and out. I napped until 1:45 after being up for a while in the morning but I can't get enough sleep. It's like I'm depressed but I don't feel depressed, just extremely tired. I'm also really cold which happens when I'm very tired.

I hope this ends soon. I cancelled my therapy appointment for yesterday because I was too tired to drive up and back.Monday I really need to go. I want to go to church Sunday but will have to decide later. I'm trying to not borrow trouble but I'm frustrated I can't do what I want to do.

Now I"m going to wrap up in a quilt.

Rough couple of days. Lay down early the other morning to try to slow down, waiting for my pdoc to get into office and the voices started up again. Haven't heard them in awhile, so it was alarming. I'm paranoid and sort of low-grade psychotic a lot of the time, unfortunately, but this just didn't help. All my threat stuff started going and pretty soon, I was convinced the FBI was in my hallway, ready to kick in my door. Don't know what exactly that would be for, as I am a law-abiding person.

Anyway, no-one kicked in any doors and I talked to my doc and I am now on Abilify again, unfortunately. We stopped it before because I had some serious neuro side effects to it. But the doc basically considered this an emergency. Trying to keep me out of the hospital, where I have spent so much time over the last ten years that I am sure it is some kind of record. All for not going to the hospital, esp. since I am currently uninsured and have over a million dollars in psych hospital bills I currently cannot pay. Can't worry about that now. Just have to try to get better.

The other thing pdoc did was add some emergency sleep help, which for me was 400 mg of Seroquel. Don't like that drug, but nothing else will put me to sleep right now. So, I took it and I slept for 8 hours and woke up with the voices gone. So, that's good. We'll see where this all goes. Thanks to every body for your support. I really, really appreciate it.

I just got a little spooked. A woman representing a different division of the company I used to work for sent me a recruitment email for a job. I don't know why/how they got my email address. Internally or somehow from a LinkedIn account that I thought I deleted, but isn't? I'm going to ignore it. It's triggering.