Bipolar Check-in #40

My night is going downhill fast. I'm hearing voices and scared so I want to take one of prn klonopin but I'm scared to even do that because I feel like my meds are poison

I am glad to hear you were able to push through it. I know exactly that feeling of meds being poison etc..

Maybe take some time to write down why meds *aren't* poison? Then you can review your handwritten note every time you get afraid. And make sure to remind yourself how many times you've taken your meds and how your meds have never been poison before, etc etc

Absolutely none of your feelings are wrong.


In truth, your feelings are very sane.

You are in an extremely challenging situation.

It's incredibly painful and incredibly stressful.



We share a lot between us because we both understand what it's like to live with severe and often unrelenting, pain. We are always seeking relief and we are often betrayed by almost anything we try which was supposed to assist us.


Diagnoses/conditions only increase, no matter what we do We are trying to live with some chronically progressive conditions. The rest of the conditions may not be progressive, yet are sources of additional chronic pain.


It certainly seems like nothing gets better. The challenges continue to multiply. Your resources have not multiplied. You need more medical tests/help.


You are "punished" every time you follow through with you doctors' recommendations. You fall into the category of the "underinsured," and you live in a state which has forsaken it's citizens in this regard. Therefore, medical providers then want your home. Your home is all you have been able to hold onto to date,


I usually have some helpful resources. In your case, you've known the potential options and you have fully explored them. In your state, your legislature/governor/politicians have sold you out, along with so many others, especially disabled adults, suffering chronic illness.


It surely looks like a catch-22 to me.


On top of it all, you are not treated with compassion. We'd never think it humane to allow any animal to suffer the way you suffer. You need some reprieve with proper pain management measures. Unfortunately, our goverments, both state and federal, have bought into some idea that all pain med prescribing is based upon concern for "drug abusers." This fear of people wrongly using the pain meds we need trumps our desperate need for some relief. How do the behaviors of others block us from compassionate care?


I totally understand your need for relief from ALL of this. It certainly appears as though there is no break, no way out. You are damned if you do and if you don't.


Sweetheart, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your feelings.

How could a sane person feel differently ? Anyone living the reality of what you are living would be screaming for help and would very likely feel betrayed and deeply disheartened, especially when repeatedly trying so hard and things are made worse for having tried.


I have touched upon some of what you have to live with. There is much more that I would not touch upon here and much more I don't even know.


I think I probably come close to understanding?

I also have faith that our friends here will also understand.


Please do let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do beyond offering understanding, listening, offering support, holding your hand, sitting with you. I want to be here with/for you.


You are an incredibly strong, courageous, loving, life-affirming person. You so freely give so very much Love here to everyone. You are truly beautiful, inside and out. You have my appreciation, my admiration and my Love.


I am here for you.

Hey everyone, I want to apologize for my frantic hopeless post.

Usually when I dump my head out with my T it helps, yesterday everything just kept falling out and I really felt it was falling on me..like I was being smothered.

Richard has texted me twice today. He is not a “ texting” guy but he only works M-W.. I assured him although I’m a bit disappointed that I haven’t died in some strange way since I saw him.. asteroid, Black Plague , trip over a kangaroo and snap my head off.

It’s impossible for me to find anyone willing to help me with any kind of pain meds, I went to a pain clinic 5 or so years ago... they would not prescribe anything. I asked for just 3 pills ??? Incase I just cant stand it and I just need something to force me to sleep??! nope

Once while IP they had me take Thorazine as nothing else was giving me any sleep, it worked !! I thought finally I have a prn that will be last resort. I took it a couple months later at home , I got 3 hours of sleep , few months later nothing. Took one a few months ago again it did nothing but blur my vision for a couple days.

I said I have gone IP at least 5 times because my pain causes me to feel suicidal and thats ridiculous!!!! I mean it would certainly be cheaper to buy 3 pain pills a month if I really need one instead of going IP and thats 1,500 + a day plus psych Med cost.

See how ridiculous this is???

A few years ago my GP was trying to set up a plan, we have a small rural hospital, so basically if I came in feeling suicidal from the PAIN that they could administer me IV pain med. The hospital said legally they could not do this. If I come in feeling suicidal by law I will need to go IP

My GP is not able to give me any because I don’t have a “ approved “ physical problem.. Fibromyalgia is not on that list because my state are sadistic asssholes.

My Rheumatologist can only offer very short term pain meds (3days) if I have visible swollen joints that require steroid shot.

I am not a drinker, like I had half a glass of wine with my daughter last Christmas while we made chili.

I fixed a drink last week .. coconut rum and cream soda one sip and I said Nope ! Handed it to my husband ... he said what do you want me to do with it?? I said drink it. He is also not a drinker, he poured it down the drain. The bottle of rum we have is at least 7 year old and still basically full.

I am not going to try and find street drugs , one I would have no idea where to get any, two I would be to terrified to even try something , no no no.

So I just feel defeated and hopeless and again another sleepless night.

Thank you all for being so kind with words of support it does help.