Thoughts of Divorce

Do you ever fantasize about divorce when going through an episode?

No. But I got divorced before I was diagnosed. That said, divorce is no joke.

I did leave my ex-husband during an episode and started to divorce him when i was manic. This was before i was diagnosed. It was the episode that so appalled me that i sought out an assessment for bipolar after. I went back to my ex-husband and it lasted for a few more years, but i had ruined his illusions when i left him and exposed my true feelings which were accurate enough, just there was a lot more to the relationship than just what i condemned him for. But it was never the same for him and he said a lot of the things i said while manic were true.

Don't make any sudden movements.

I don’t really think about divorce as I love my husband and don’t think I’d ever leave him (obviously unless there were dire circumstances). I have however, lusted after others to the point of fantasizing about them. That’s something I’ve never done while stable.

Yes, usually that's when I know my mood is way off.

I can’t tell if these thoughts are true anymore since I have a panic attack every weekend. All I remember was that I didn’t get panic attacks before I got married. It’s getting so bad without medicine that I’ve been kicking walls. He knows that he’s destroying my mental health to an unhealthy level and still won’t leave! Why won’t he just leave?!

Hi,

I am sorry you are experiencing some marital distress.

When there are ongoing problems, one of the big questions is: which one of us is going to leave?
This question is decided in different ways for different situations.

In relationships, we each must take responsibility for our own behaviors. Did you ever consider the fact that your violent behavior, that of kicking the walls, might be contributing to the volatility and to the demise of your marriage?

If you need medication for anxiety, then get the medication, if you can do so. At some point, if you want to stay as healthy and as sane as possible , you might consider leaving, even if only until things cool down?

If he is violent and/or abusive, you might consider having him removed from the home? Under certain circumstances, the police can help with this. Just be aware of the fact that you, too, are subject to the same criteria for your behaviors.

Another option for you, to help you to end this pattern and to get back on your feet, might be to go to a women's shelter for awhile?

When couples are at odds and act out their anger physically, by raging, by kicking walls, destroying property, by making one another and/or children to fear them, etc., it is time for an immediate intervention.

Why does he stay when he knows he is destroying your mental health?
I guess I would ask: Why do you stay when you know he is destroying your mental health?

I do know it is not easy, nor convenient, to leave for awhile; yet, you must save yourself from this and set some boundaries with him. Let him know you will not stay and let him mistreat you. Neither will you stay and contribute to the unhealthy situation.

Is couples counseling an option for you two?

My heart truly goes out to you. I am going through a divorce, too. It is a very difficult time for anyone going through it.
I am challenging you to take control of yourself, take control of your part in this and demand more/better from him by making a move in a much healthier direction!

You cannot change him. You can only change yourself. Thus, it makes the most sense to put your time/energy into yourself at this time in your life.

I hope you can get some help for your anxiety; it is an awful thing to endure when having a tough time. I also hope you will protect yourself from such volatile environments and will be able to choose your behaviors --your actions and your reactions -- in a more mindful way. You will feel much better about yourself when you get enough distance to be able to choose your behaviors, instead of feeling so provoked, so overwhelmed, etc., and having knee-jerk reactions which only add to the unhealthy parts of the situation at this time.

I am glad you are reaching out! I hope you can find a way to extract yourself from what seems to be a toxic situation at this time, in hopes of negotiating a much more healthy environment for yourself in the near future.

Much Love

Sure did and I had 2 affairs (my kids were grown already). Thankfully, I didn't divorce him, not that our marriage is exactly normal, still.

I have an appointment with psychologist next week and psychiatrist after. The reason I can’t leave is because every time I file for annulment or divorce he threatens to commit suicide. It’s my apartment. I pay for it in full every month. I’ve had it longer than he has been in it.

@Wild Coyote, where could I go for free? We’ve been isolated from people. I’m already spending more than I can afford on medical and filing for bankruptcy as soon as I can pay attorney fees. Divorce costs $220, which I can’t afford this month or next.

This is basically my response, too.

I am kind of a "once I truly love, I love forever" type of woman. I have dated guys that I quickly figured out weren't for me, but I never got to the point of actual love with them. I did have one deep love before my husband. He actually broke it off with me, after living together for two years across the country from our home states. I am happy we never married. He wasn't really looking for marriage, anyway. He has a child with a woman he never married. I now see that he was not as marvelous as I thought he was, originally. Sometimes love is blinding and first love is always sad to see end. Nevertheless, I still have fond thoughts of him. I guess I always will. I don't tend to swing from one extreme to another, in terms of my feelings towards people. I usually stay in the middle or just off middle, with just some exceptions, usually in the adoration direction.

I was also a totally loyal wife, "only one man for me and I'm married to him" - until some heavy duty manics hit. The sad part is, it was my husband who kept encouraging me to go off meds (he just doesn't understand the physical reality of BP). I literally fell madly in love with a guy I met on the street while wandering around in a tourist section of the city I was in. Anyway, etc., etc.

Oh, no!

Dear Grad0507,

I am just seeing your responses. I am so very sorry.
I hope you are around and I hope participating here at PC is beneficial.

If you "own" the apartment and would like him to leave, you could consult with:

1) Do you have any state office(s) for legal aid?
They generally exist to assist people unable to afford legal advice. They usually will not take a case which is "money-generating." They will not handle malpractice suits, or any suit where there may be a monetary award, for instance.

2)You might consult with a women's shelter/abuse group/office/org in order to see what they may have for advice and/or resources. My local women's support organization/shelter will give a woman in need free access to an attorney, will conference with the woman on the phone if the woman does not want to go to their office and will work with anyone in need w/o asking for a name until/unless some type of a legal action is taken and/or there is a reason to need to have your name.

3)The local women's shelter should have info on what you can and cannot do re: obtaining a restraining order, if you want him to leave. I always advise women to find out all of the details of what will, and what can, happen if an order is served upon the other party. This is usually at very temporary order that is reviewed in front of a judge in a couple of days and the judge decides whether to end or to extend the order.

4) The suicide threat from your husband is very disconcerting, of course.
Many spouses threaten suicide when they realize their spouse is leaving them.
Both parties are experiencing stress and distress, for sure. Often, the suicide threat is meant to control the other spouse. It is so scary for the other spouse can become paralyzed with fear.

Some options might be:

To pursue couples counseling while still together..
To pursue couples counseling while living apart.

No couples counseling.

To pursue your own individualized support therapy while going through all of this stress, etc. Again, I think there may be financial/medical/legal resources for you through any women's shelter/support organization. If you cannot locate one near you, look online, too. If you have a rape crisis center nearby and no women's shelter program, contact the rape crisis center, as they may have a lot of resources to help you through this transition.

5.) Financing divorce with very little money.

Okay, I would again look for a "legal aid" office/program. If you cannot locate one, please contact your State's Attorney General's Office and tell them what you are looking for (free legal aid) and, if necessary, explain more if they might be able to find an org that is a better fit for your needs.

In some states, the Governor's Hotline has similar resources.

My state has a divorce program available online. If there are no disputes and both parties are in agreement, the program gives all of the instructions, the forms to file with the court, etc. for $200.00-$300.00 total.

Last, but NOT LEAST:

There is a program in which people who qualify for the program may ask (3) legal questions. An attorney in your state usually responds with advice. You can usually confer back and forth on a given question if you pay attention to when the attorney has responded and the question is not "closed."

In my state, it goes like this:

I read the guidelines to see if I qualify for the service.
If I do qualify, I make an account on their web site.

I think of the question(s) I want to ask.

I may ask a total of 3 questions and that ends my access to the program.

I ask question #1. I wait and am notified when an attorney has replied on the site. I sign in on the site and read the legal advice. If I need clarification, I can continue with that topic by responding to the attorney just then. This is still considered the first question.

Watch the expiration dates, as you will have 'X" number of days to read the response and to reply without using yet another of your three questions.

Questions 2 and 3 MUST be on different topics altogether. however, if you think through your questions, it may be possible to get your questions addressed while still on the generalized topic (divorce, for example).

You may keep your account on the site and read back through legal advice given to you. The written responses will remain in your account (their site) for a time frame determined by their program.

Just be very strategic about how you ask questions in order to get the max amount of info in the responses given. You can use all three questions in one inquiry. You may use one question and not use another for months, etc.

Note: This is how it works for my state. Please pay close attention to the directions given for your state on the site below:

Free Legal Answers

if you have difficulty with the site and/or if you ask a question and it is not answered in the timeframe given by the site guidelines, see if there is a place on the site to contact someone about your concerns.

If this program is not set up in your state and your state also has no legal aid program, you can contact the Bar Association in your state and explain your need(s). Please do tell them you have tried the ABA's free legal answers site.

I do know of at least 2 members of PC who were helped by the ABA's free legal answer site, as well as one helped by their state's bar association.

I do hope there is a resource or two here which will help you.

I am very sorry about your situation. I am additionally sorry your spouse is threatening suicide. Please try to realize this threat is also a form of abuse.
I am not saying do not be concerned; this type of a threat is hard to deal with and might hold any one of us "hostage" to relationships/marriages which are toxic and/or abusive.

I wish you the very best.

I hope the above post makes sense. I am exhausted and am having a hard time organizing my thoughts today.
I've just now realized that "Grad" had made an inquiry and I had not responded, for which I am very, very sorry.
I will check back in later on to re-read and see if my rambling makes some sense.