Bipolar check-in #43

Ohhh, sending you some purple healing vibes too. Like well wishes they never run out. The more you give the more you have to give.

Christina, that sounds so scary. Everything you mentioned! The tornado makes the current status of the COVID-19 in the US seem like nothing. I hope the people are found OK.

I'm glad you are soon seeing your T. I know that he is very helpful for you.

Love and healing vibes to all

Panda

~ Christina

@BeyondtheRainbow:

Yes, this was a first appointment. I really lucked out, the woman was terrific! I learned some excellent skills which will keep me busy for a while. She taught me grounding and visualization -- things i heard about, but didn't take seriously until they were explained by a live human in context -- so much more compelling than just reading about them. I was also really vulnerable to learning the methods as i had cried about my anguish over Scrabble which we didn't actually talk about, just strategies for managing my depression. I snapped to a visualization which i really love and it is indoors and far from the beach!

Anyways, i'm just pleased as punch that my reach out for help was met with success as i've had so many failures. I feel really good!

Pissed off, but that's nothing new.

I did sleep a lot from taking tons of klonopin, so at least I had *some* relief, even if it was only temporary.

So far, it seems that my pdoc and therapist don't care or don't take this seriously. No response from either of them. I didn't even want to bother calling my pdoc because of his stupid assistant, but my therapist is non-responsive today.

I think I dented a wall in my apartment from slamming my fist so hard on it. This rage never ends.

All I want is help, and no one responds (except you guys). I am not depressed, but I feel hopeless when no one is helping me. I don't want to hurt myself or others, but evidently that isn't going well.

I am also pissed off today too. Life or so much of it sucks

hugs to all

Oh, Christina!!!!! Many, many hugs and much love your way!!!!! Kind of at a loss for words...

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Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

I'm happy for you too. It is nice when we can connect with someone and feel like they have assisted us in practical ways that resonate with our learning style. Thanks for sharing your experience.

Oh no!! Did I miss this? Many healing vibes headed your way!!!!!

*********
Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

Thanks for the good report, whatever! Always a pleasure to read.

(My visualization -- or happy place as I call it -- is far from the beach too! )

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Mr. Robot

Makes me sick to the heart, Oh I feel so tired. And the way the rain comes down hard, that's how I feel inside.

--The Cure

Currently in the ER. I have been having dizziness, lightheaded ness, and a racing heart for three days now. I could not get an appt with a dr without taking off work. I could have had one tomorrow at five, but I had to check and make sure RS could cancel his chiropractor appt before I could take it so I said I’d call them back and when I did (literally three minutes later) the phones were closed. RS convinced me to go to the hospital. I do not want to be here. My son had to come too and I am worried about him getting sick. I told him to use lots of hand sanitizer.

I’ve been thinking that the racing heart was due to anxiety but I have no other symptoms of anxiety and klonopin does not help. When I went to the dr a couple of weeks ago for the sinus infection my pulse was 119 and my ekg showed an abnormality, so I made a cardiologist appt, but it’s not until April 17.

So I guess it’s better to get it checked out and be told I’m fine than ignore it and have it be something. I just hate waiting. Nothing annoys me more.

I'm so sorry you feel so ill, wildchildflower! I hope the ER visit gets you quick and proper help and relief. I know ERs can be pretty miserable, but necessary. It's terrible that we often have to wait so long for outpatient doctor care.

I'm missing my cats like crazy other than that I'm still feeling low and also super irritable/slightly paranoid. Today is my last day of tapering off paxil and abilify, I start the vraylar and zoloft tomorrow. Thankfully, I've taken them at different times in the past and they've both helped me, so I'm hoping they help me this time and hopefully don't have any bad side effects or interactions with my other meds.

I'm having a hard time making myself eat enough lately (in recovery from eating disorder). Anyway, I realized I was slipping with it again so I'm trying to get back on track with that.

hoping things get better

I just got home from my pdoc appointment. His advice was a little unexpected. I told him about this past week and how tdoc wanted me to call him yesterday, but I didn't. Today, unlike the last week, I feel pretty stable, but either he didn't think so, or he is just concerned that my mood upswing could start up again since I have a history of mania in the spring (or spring-like weather, which it is.) I told him that I took prn 50 mg Seroquel iR yesterday, on top of my usual 600 mg Seroquel XR dose, etc. I also said I took 1 mg Ativan the night before, with my evening cocktail, to help me sleep, and it did. I think these prns and my morning headache leveled me out today. Nevertheless, he told me to keep taking 50 mg Seroquel iR at 1 pm for a while. He did not adjust my 600 mg Seroquel XR, which is his usual strategy.

He is so naughty sometimes. I forget the lead up, but he said something that seemed to imply that my European husband likely has better taste in wine than I do. In response, I asked him if that was what he was implying and told him not to belittle Americans' tastes...or at least mine. I reminded him that I am a very tough food critic and pretty knowledgeable about food-wine pairings. He can be such a snob thinking everything European is better. He's not a European either. He's from Dallas area in Texas, originally. He, like me, has a European spouse. I hope he wasn't implying that men have better taste in wine than women. In any case, he sort of apologized after I scolded him. I've had to scold him many times for similar bologny. I adore him, but he's sometimes an old fart. Perhaps not many other patients can get away with this. I've known him for 14 years. Plus, he adores me, too.

When I got home, I attempted to take the Seroquel iR, but somehow I accidentally locked the safe I keep them in. I don't know the combination. He seems to have forgotten, too. I'm sure he has it somewhere. I think he only told me the combination once, years ago, but I've forgotten it. Originally, my medications were kept there for "safety" reasons. He would only unlock it on the day I filled my weekly boxes. That issue is not relevant anymore. Anyway, if he ran off and left me alone (which he wouldn't), I'd need a safecracker to get the sucker open. All of my medications are in there. Yeah, I know. Only I'm laughing.

I hope it all turns out to be nothing major, and that the wait isn't too long.

I got a rug for my apartment. The rug is nice, but I kind of don't like how it actually works with everything else in my apartment. I can't return it as it was on final clearance, so I'll just deal with it. I woke up irritable today and more restless than I've been. However, overall still doing decently. I just wish my mind and body would cooperate! Making some mac and cheese for dinner. Not the healthiest, but I am really in the mood for it. Don't have much more to update on right now. Sending compassion and hoping everyone has a good night.

Didn't sleep last night. Got 2 teeth removed today. Took an ambien and slept 3 hours. I don't know if this is an upswing for me or just anxiety. I scared the dentist. my smiling while crying doesn't help say I'm sane. Even though I was just crying because of anxiety (Ie. acting fine while water leaks from my eyes). They wanted to refer me to psych. I had to calm them down. It was a weird experience. They almost called my husband back. Made sure I didn't drive. it was weird but not that painful.

I am washing my sheets and I just got a shower. Dishwasher is running, too. Listening to the washer and the dish washer run in the same room. Soothing.

I took a nap but it was too long. Woke up with a slept-too-long headache. Not very smart. It will be lovely to get into bed with freshly-cleaned sheets. But I can't do that until I pick up N3 in a couple hours.

Edit: The sheets dried quickly so I'm laying in my freshly-made bed. watching stand up on tv.

My ECT was scheduled for this Friday, the 6th, but the office just called to say we can't do it with my medical clearance expired. Now I'm looking at pushing my treatment out to the 20th because I have to get an EKG for the clearance paperwork.