Thousands in credit card debt — again

Hi. It’s been awhile since I’ve been here but I need to talk. This past summer, I had a horrible bout of mania and ran up $12,000 in credit card debt. This is the fourth time I’ve done something like this. I didn’t have any credit cards for a couple of years, but when I got this one I really went to town. My husband stood by me the last 3 times, although the third time was pretty ugly. I don’t know what to do, nor do I know why I keep doing this when I’m medicated and I feel good otherwise. I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell him this time. He’s not in the best of health and I don’t know what it would do to him. I could withdraw money from my retirement account to pay it off, but he sees the statements and would find out anyway. I’m worried sick and feel like I don’t have anywhere to turn. I want to die.

Hello NolaMae,

I'm so sorry that you are facing this situation. It must be just incredibly stressful.

I hope your husband will be understanding and realize that you would not have done this thing except for the mania.

My heart goes out to you!

Is it possible to return any of your purchases? How did he not notice 12k of new goods coming into your home? I'd sell everything I could to help cover the cost and hope that my husband saw that as a good faith attempt to try to fix what I had broken. I'd also sell anything I no longer use. Additionally, I would take a look at my monthly expenses to see where I could cut back and help to cover the cost.

Also, have you cancelled the card? That seems like a good step.

Lying to him will also hurt him if he finds out. Keeping the secret will hurt you. You're in a tough boat. I'm sorry this happened.

What does your treatment team offer in terms of advice to curb this sort of behavior before it gets out of control in the future? Developing strategies to gain insight before these patterns begin again is important.

^^^^ This.

You are going to have to tell him, there is no way around it, unfortunately. I am sure he knows this only happens when you are manic and that is not your fault.

For the future, I strongly recommend that you put in motion a system in which someone else checks your expenditures. I turned all my finances over to someone else after a giant manic and psychotic episode in 2006. It has kept me from making any outlandish purchases. It obviously must be a responsible person, but I do think when you have been through this kind of thing repeatedly, that it is probably time to consider something like this.

Sending you strength and support.

You have to tell him, there is such a thing as financial infidelity.

Yes I know I need to tell him, but I’m terrified. Last time he screamed and yelled for hours. I honestly would rather be physically hit than yelled at. He’s a good guy except where money is concerned. He is very conservative with his money and he doesn’t understand my out of control spending. Yes I know I deserved to be yelled at, but it was horrible.

Right now I’m trying to figure out the best way to broach it. I’m thinking it might be best (after I pay the cards off from my 401k — I’m retired so there isn’t any penalty) to just turn all my money over to him, except for a small amount for personal needs, and ask him when I need to buy something. And the cards will all be closed and I can’t open any more because I won’t be able to make the payments. Have you heard of any bipolar spouses who handle their money this way?

I just know when I talk to him it’s not going to be pretty. I think maybe we should go to mental health counseling together so he can try to understand.

I'm sorry you find yourself to be in such a difficult situation. I don't know if this can be of any help, but here are links to 5 articles, from PC's archives, that talk about how to prepare for & have difficult conversations:

5 Ways to Prepare for a Difficult Conversation

How to Have Difficult Conversations

3 Tips for Better Communication During Difficult Conversations

Uncomfortable Conversations: How to Overcome Awkward Moments | Anger Management

How to Avoid Responding Defensively During a Challenging Conversation | Anger Management

My best wishes to you...

Yes my husband handles all the money and it’s worked out well. I have only got access to one credit card which only has a small amount possible to be put on it.

My husband also handles the money (I am not happy with this but he is..)

My husband handles money.

I have no credit cards except for my debit card. If I have extra money left over in a month I give it to my daighter to keep for me.

If there is something large I want to buy, I discuss it over w my daughter and we both agree before she hands me back any money.

I don't have space in my apartment for a whole bunch of stuff and don't have money for those spending sprees.

This arrangement also helps with my tendency to hoard.

I also get new interests and then want to keep buying everything I can to support that interest, with no space to put the stuff. So this arrangement helps with that too.

I have also found that when my desire to spend spend spend is totally overwhelming that if I take my prn seroquel, half an hour later I will experience relief and can then be more rational about it.

Well your going to have to bite that big bullet..

what I would do first is take a look at your overall monthly spending mortgage/rent, power, water, food, Dr appts and meds, property taxes , auto insurance, going out for meals ... Hair , nails, makeup etc etc anything you can think of write it down ( if you have access to that , or some of it )

Basically write it all down so you have a starting place.

Sure try to find a good time to tell him what’s going on.. yes he’s going to yell and probably furious. Prepare yourself for it... maybe he needs to take a walk , or a drive or maybe you should .. time apart is the best thing you can do for both your sake.

Then it’s going to be a case of sitting down with that list in your hand and both finding ways to cut spending. Hand over your credit cards you simply can’t be trusted..

It’s not going to be pretty. Maybe a bill consolidation company can help lower the monthly payment?? While not trashing your credit.

Pulling from your retirement fund? I personally wouldn’t. You will need that to survive on being retired especially if there is an medical emergency

Maybe seeing a marriage counselor could help ? Sure hypo/manic people with Bipolar can spend money like water. But there are ways to control it, and if you’ve done this before you just can’t use the Bipolar excuse again, we are responsible regardless anyway.

Limit your access to credit cards .. again you do have to have them in your wallet. Each month load X dollars on a grocery store card, I have 30.00 sitting on a Walmart card for gas, if I’m out and my car is on E I can use that.

When you have spent all this money how did you bring items into the home? Was he not there?

I wish there was an easier way to tell him, just expect his anger and know that you honestly must remove the ability to overspend.

I hope once the dust settles you can both talk about ways monthly spending can be cut to fix this.

Good luck

Hey @NolaMae The consumer credit counseling that is part of the government offers free/low cost restructuring and debt repayment help. In many cases they ask you for a donation but I do not believe they are able to outright charge you a fee. My husband and I used this when we were first married and got into debt. I looked up illinois since that is your state.
Consumer Credit Counseling Service of Northern Illinois, Inc | About Us

Quote:

Originally Posted by NolaMae Hi. It’s been awhile since I’ve been here but I need to talk. This past summer, I had a horrible bout of mania and ran up $12,000 in credit card debt. This is the fourth time I’ve done something like this. I didn’t have any credit cards for a couple of years, but when I got this one I really went to town. My husband stood by me the last 3 times, although the third time was pretty ugly. I don’t know what to do, nor do I know why I keep doing this when I’m medicated and I feel good otherwise. I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell him this time. He’s not in the best of health and I don’t know what it would do to him. I could withdraw money from my retirement account to pay it off, but he sees the statements and would find out anyway. I’m worried sick and feel like I don’t have anywhere to turn. I want to die.