[Victoria'smom]

My head is so loud. I can't stand it. I'm overly concerned about food contamination. I've been out all day and refuse to eat out. I was doing well for like a month. I hope this doesn't get bad. I'm cranky too.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Try not to let this get to you too much. Might just be a bad day

[Rick7892]

Sorry that this is happening for you. When I am having a rough day, I try to remember to Take One Day at a Time. Otherwise, things become overwhelming. Sometimes, even One Day at a Time is too much, so I try One Hour at a Time or even shorter.

I hope things go better!

[~Christina]

Ok .... breathe

Your being out All day is a big stressor ..

Just breath ... you had a rough day don’t let this become a monster , it was just 1 day.

Sorry to hear that, MM.

I agree that you had a rough day, but I'm confident that things will get better for you. Definitely take things one step at a time and remember that no one is perfect. Some days will always be worse than others, but there are always good days mixed in.

How are you feeling today?

[*Beth*]

Yes, remember to mindfully breathe. Ground yourself.

Let us know how you're feeling today.

[Victoria'smom]

I did eat something last night and had bottled water. Today I can cook something at home and eat it. My trigger was how casual someone was about saying a lot of food in my state is contaminated. F no I don't want to get sick. I certainly don't want my family getting sick. I'm waiting until everyone wakes up to figure out what to eat and drink. Definitely something that can be boiled.

[Fuzzybear]

hugs

[Victoria'smom]

I swear I posted. I ate "asked" to go to bed early (I normally go to bed at 11pm). H asked how bad things were. I didn't really answer. I see T tomorrow but I don't see how she can help. I hate disappointing people. Why does knowing that I'm getting sick (or having a couple bad days) feel like I'm a failure?

[*Beth*]

I'm not sure, MM...I know that of I get sick I feel I'm a failure because I can't get shite done. It's ridiculous.

[fern46]

What you're doing to yourself mentally and emotionally affects your physical body. The effects can be long lasting if you dwell in negative thought patterns. How is you making yourself sick better than the remote chance that something you eat will make you sick? One person's comment does not equal reality. You have an entire state of people eating the food there. Are they all experiencing sickness and taking measures to boil all of their food? You need to challenge this thinking.

The body is resilient. Try holding onto that and have gratitude for your immune system. It is there for you should you need it. You may get sick from time to time, but you have a defense system that wants to do a good job fot you and heal you. Trust in that instead of offering your energy to worrying about things you cannot control. Sometimes we get sick. We can have the perception that it is awful or we can recognize an opportunity to slow down, offer our body what it needs and practice self care.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm trying to fight it, I really am. today is better, hopefully tomorrow will be even better.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I'm trying to fight it, I really am. today is better, hopefully tomorrow will be even better.

Glad to hear it. That's a healthy outlook.

[Victoria'smom]

I saw T. I told her about when I thought I'd end up in jail and we had a discussion about how she didn't know and I have to tell her when things like that happen. So I told her about the whole contamination issue. She wanted me to go into the walk in clinic but then remembered I see my own pdoc. I see pdoc next week. Now to tell pdoc. T encouraged me to tell my husband which I did. He's relieved that it's not my ED acting up because he can negotiate with this. My husband and I discussed me getting vaccinated but then that's one more person I have to explain my issue to. It's embarrassing.

T thought I didn't tell her about jail because I was worried she'd judge me but in reality it was I didn't want her to turn me in. She said H could have baker acted me at any time, really not something you should remind me of. She wants me on anti-anxiety medication and more AP. She's impressed that I'm willing to take my sleeping medication and do self care even when I'm paranoid. She asked if I feel isolated because of it. I told her no just when my heads to loud as it is now. I didn't tell her it's getting difficulty taking my meds because of the whole contamination issue. I have my headphones on now because my heads to loud and it's overwhelming. I wish T and pdoc shared notes.

[~Christina]

What vaccination ?

[Victoria'smom]

Hep A vaccine.

[~Christina]

Okay, hopefully that could help ease your worries abit.

Do you plan to get it?

[Victoria'smom]

IDK, It feels a bit extreme and I have to explain to yet another dr whats going on. If this gets really bad I'm going to have to. Right now I can be reasoned with but a lot of it is me not wanting to fight. I'm thinking med change then if it persists I'll get the vaccine but at the same time if I do get the illness later I'll kick myself that there is a vaccine. I don't know. H thinks the vaccination would be best but wouldn't my issues just move on to a new problem? I mean from Oct-Jan it was being arrested. I need to learn just to cope and ignore the crazy **** my head comes up with.

[~Christina]

What has been “arrested “ October through January?

[Victoria'smom]

Oh no, I'm sorry for months I thought I was going to be arrested any second even though I have not done anything. I was scared out of my mind. So if it's not a contamination issue my issue would be something else.

[Victoria'smom]

I ate cold food today I have my headphones on life's too loud. I hate being isolated.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Oh no, I'm sorry for months I thought I was going to be arrested any second even though I have not done anything. I was scared out of my mind. So if it's not a contamination issue my issue would be something else.

UGH. I'm so sorry you have to experience that kind of mega-anxiety. I have it, too. Is it a part of delusional psychosis?

[Victoria'smom]

Pdoc and T don't call it anything they just note it. The closest my T got to naming it was asking if paranoia is isolating. I'm guessing it's psychosis but it's hard for me to label it that because I'm able to function "normally" while having these types of thoughts. Yes they definitely impair my life but only my husband knows something is up with me often he doesn't know what it is until a couple of weeks in. I'm good at hiding so I'm not sure if it's full psychosis. I often have the wrong affect so I can be terrified and laughing and joking. I'd be one of those people that "We never knew anything was wrong.". So that makes treatment that much harder.

Come to find out the other day, my husband wanted me hospitalized during that episode but didn't want to violate my trust so he didn't say anything. So he's glad that the fear of jail is gone.

Possible trigger:

He's afraid my fear of failing will cause me to go over the top if I try to harm myself

which was a possibility with that particular thought. The fear made me not post on PC for awhile. which never happens. I get quiet but I'm here every day. So it was really bad now I have to explain it to pdoc and she wont be happy.

[yellow_fleurs]

I'm sorry you're experiencing that. It sounds scary. I can kind of relate and wondered at one point if I had psychosis, but now I am starting to think this has more to do with past experiences and my mind throwing out fear-based reactions that are out of proportion. It's almost like OCD/fear/trust issues all mingled into one for me, if that makes sense.

[*Beth*]

Yes, I understand the fear/anxiety thing. Makes me feel like I'm crazy going crazier.

I'm so glad you're posting, MM. I hope you are feeling supported by us, and I sure do appreciate your openness.