I can't find a meaning anymore.

I know everything flows through a cycle and I won't feel this way forever but this leg of the journey is lasting too long, and it feels to keep deeper and worse each time. Nothing seems right, nothing brings me pleasure, nothing is working.


I'm going to lose my job, I have to live with the hell that is my mother at almost 30 with her breathing down my neck (literally can't do anything without her approval or I get hell -- oh, and do it HER way). I'm so stressed I can't even assess any other emotion I might be feeling -- but I guess I am depressed. I'm sleeping in the floor again and crying myself to sleep. During the day when I'm not working I don't leave my bed except to pee and eat. I have panic attacks at work, at church (which I have to lie and hide to go to), or around any social function. The Klonopin doesn't help -- It didn't make one bit of difference at work. They're getting worse. I can't keep living this way and I hate everything about my life and who I am. I just want to not feel this way anymore.

Someone asked before if I do DBT with my therapist, and the answer is No. We started CBT a few times but I end up off the path for some reason and we go back to just talk therapy.

I may be making progress in some areas -- but the negative emotions aren't letting up. What I mean is, for example, let's say I have some money saved up to move out, but not quite enough yet -- I'm working towards a goal but I'm still stuck in a hell and experience it everyday. Hope just isn't enough anymore.


I don't even know if I'm making sense. I'm a lost cause. I'm going to lose my job, I'm going to be forced to live this way until I can somehow learn to control my anxiety and above all, I'm having to give up on the hope that happiness is there.

MarcusAurelius.

[Not suicidal, just throwing that in there.]

I'm sorry things are so bad right now. Wish I could help.

I can empathize with you about living with your mother and her trying to control everything. My mother did that too. I moved in with her and my 3 very young kids when I got divorced and in a way I'm glad I did but maybe not for so long. (We were there over 10 years.) My mother would ask me where I was going all the time. But she did tend to do that when I left the kids with her. And what's more, even *I* am this way with my youngest. He is 18 and I'm always asking him where he is and when he is coming home. He takes it pretty well. As a mother, I just can't stand thinking that something bad is going to befall one of my children. But, I have to stand back and relax a bit. I do give him suggestions at times. Like right now- it's dark and he's walking home from downtown. It's not SO far, but its still dark. At least its warm- 54 right now. Sometimes he goes out in just a sweatshirt when its really cold. (We're talking 8 degrees!)


So I hear ya- I can picture where you're coming from. Now that I'm not living with my mom and her husband, our relationships have smoothed out and everybody is happier.

I don't know what to say other than that i'm sorry to hear you're still having such a hard time.

I'm so sorry. In many ways (too many) I have the same feeling...running in a circle. I wish I had some great advice for you. All I can say is that you are not alone, so when you're at your lowest remember there are others of us who definitely understand you.