Just Made Brownies--I Feel Better!

Was feeling a bit down and a bit psychotic. Grey and yukko here today. Inside, like everyone. Got off my butt and made some quickie brownies, just from a mix, not scratch (BirdDancer would be ashamed). But I do have to say, this Ghiradelli double chocolate mix is not half bad for a mix. Should have made my own, but am almost out of cocoa.

Anyway, it is amazing how, for me, just getting up and taking action--any action--improves things for me. Just doing something rather than nothing is often a right step for getting me out of my head.


Plus, now I have yummy brownies!!

Congrats on making brownies.

What do you mean by "a bit psychotic"?

Well, specifically and since you asked, I continue to firmly believe that my next-door neighbor has an infrared camera that he is using to spy on me through a contract with some faceless government entity I cannot identify. Also believe that my across-the-hall neighbor is definitely gathering intelligence on me. Believe both my phone and computer and router have been hacked. Believe that a government agency is messing with my email, including specifically, contacting people who have been very supportive of me in the past and telling them lies in order to cause those supportive people to no longer support me, thus isolating me, thus, in their hopes, further destabilizing me.


You get the idea. Sorry. Bit that's the way t is right now...

Thank you for asking.

You don't have to answer this, but I'm curious as to what thoughts you use to challenge these assertions. I can think of several strategically sound points that might lead you to other conclusions.

Also, is it possible these repeated experiences are symbolic in nature?

Mmm. Well, for one, as far as I am aware, there is nothing about me that could possibly be of the slightest interest to any large organization. I have no important information. I do not break the law. I was never in intelligence. Not in the middle of a divorce or business breakup. So, on it's face, it makes no sense whatsoever. I am just not a very interesting person.

Second, there is a ton of security in this building. Everything is recorded--every single entry and exit. Everything is on video. There is no way some kind of big operation like this could happen without property owner support and they would never do that without multiple warrants/court orders/etc. And there is zero basis for any legit judge.court to approve such orders, as I abide by all laws.

Third, I have both bipolar 1 with a lot of psychotic features, esp. lately, and PTSD. I was, in fact, horrifically mistreated by law enforcement long ago. That did actually occur. I have some of it on tape at my attorney's office, just so you know. But there is no question that those years badly damaged my brain. My threat assessment system is completely broken.No question about this.

So, I know all these things. And they are somewhat helpful to be aware of. But I am still struggling despite that insight.

Not sure about that symbolism piece. I am operating at a more literal, concrete, fear-based point of mind in all this.

So I think it is great you are aware of how unlikely it all is. I know you experienced it in truth previously, but it seems like your mind is playing it out over and over. Either that, or you are the world's most interesting man and various groups are willing to throw millions of dollars at watching you for no good reason.

I asked about symbolism because, at least for me, when I was psychotic it appeared my subconscious mind was creating my experience even though I was awake. My biggest fears were magnified and translated into personifications of themselves or archetypes. I was awake and in extreme fear and it felt 100% real, but it was highly symbolic of some trauma I had experienced. I only realized that pattern after analyzing what occured through a symbolism based dream analysis perspective.

Now, when I have a delusion I look for meaning in it and try to determine the root cause of it. I welcome it and look for what I'm meant to see the way people do in dream analysis. That has been helping me to process some of the heavier fears that weigh me down. So far, I have been able to stop the process when it begins before it spirals out of control. I don't know that will always be the case, but if I can head a subset of this off at the pass it is completely worth the effort. Conscious awareness that my subconscious is placing dream like thoughts into my waking reality has helped a lot.

You were traumatized to the extreme. There's no denying that, but I am eternally hopeful the state you have been in does not have to be the norm forever. Different systems work for different people and I hope you find a way to greater peace in the future.

--What do you think is triggering you? All the closings have been hard on me (I particularly need my water aerobics)and my ex has lots of preexisting conditions, so that's stressful.

Awesome! Baking always makes me feel better, and brownies are the best!

Yum! We made the Ghiardelli triple fudge brownies this week and they were awesome. I've never seen a pan of brownies go so fast No shame.

Oh no! I have been craving brownies for days now and have, thus far, not made any!
I do agree these are fantastic: " the Ghiardelli triple fudge brownies"

Are they kosher? I'm coming over!

Ha!! I will have to check on that!

No, no, I am not ashamed of you! Ghirardelli is yummy!

It's 2:50 am and I am awake and was craving blueberry waffles for breakfast wishing they could be made much easier than they can. Perhaps even miraculously appear. Then you post about those yummy Ghirardelli brownies and I think "Mmm, they sound yummy for breakfast, too!"

Can you transport a couple brownies to me via Star Trek transporter?

Update: The idea of your brownies tempted me so much that I had to go downstairs and defrost a small chocolate chocolate chip zucchini muffin from my freezer. Not quite a fudge brownie, but at least now I might get back to sleep.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better, bpcyclist. I often bake, too, when depressed. Bread, usually. I find it just enough of a challenge to keep me coming back, but not so much that it will just frustrate me when I can't concentrate.

I bet they taste good.

so glad you feel better!

I love to smell bread baking. It lifts my mood, at least for awhile.

I have only made bread a couple of times, but it was super fun. Thanks for the support, fluffy.

Cant go to the gym which I did regularly for years.
Cant even go to the dog park.
Close to finishing the first of my series of childrens books. Blocked on finishing.
How are you doing with your book, bicyclist?
Ordered Nutrisystem to control my binge eating.
The food is really disgusting with some pouches of food like they have in the military. Many lunches are simply snack bars. This isnt even healthy.
Of course I ate all the little ice cream desserts first!!!LOL
I am going to use turkey patties, fish and vegetables to supplement this. I do pretty well on Weight Watchers because vegetables are zero points.
At least the concept of getting serious about weight loss has stopped me from eating huge bags of movie time buttered popcorn, which I had been doing.WHAT ARE YOU FOLKS DOING TO FIGHT BOREDOM? EVEN THE DOG IS GOING NUTS!

Really? Not even the dog park? Bummer. Thought the six-foot thing might work there...

I did not know you were writing a children's book. That is totally awesome!! What is it called? I am half way through edit #1. It is going fine. Going to need to tidy a few things up here and there, but it should be okay.Painful and triggering at times, but I will make it.

My ex-wife was a model. She would occasionally take time off from it, then, when she got back to it, she always started trying to lose weight with one of those systems thingys. I never thought any of it tasted very good, but she always lost the weight,which she totally did not even need to lose in the first place, because she was already skinny!!!! The modeling business is horrible. So abusive to those women (and maybe, men, too--not sure).

As for fighting boredom, am binge-watching shows, cleaning, baking occasionally, reading, writing, ane getting outside at least once a day for at least a few minutes. Not sure what else to do.