Bipolar check-in #46

Just sad. Just a bone deep, aching pain. I am not agitated, but I just want my life to end. And yet, I don’t. It’s just the depression. Because I woke up with a sore throat and freaked thinking I may have covid. I can’t die. I can’t leave my son behind. RS, he could find someone else. But my son, he’d be all alone. That’s what keeps me alive during these tough times. I won’t end it all. Though I desperately want to, I know it would be the worst thing I could possibly do.

I only have a sore throat, no cough, no fever, no other sign of covid. So we will see how it goes. I’m hoping I’ll wake up tomorrow and the sore throat will be gone. Interestingly, it is only on the right side of my throat. Not even the whole throat. Very bizarre.

I’m just so ****ing depressed. I can hardly do anything except lay in bed. I made breakfast this morning so that’s good. I’m going to make dinner simply because RS doesn’t know how to make potato soup. It’s only 48 degrees here so some nice hearty soup is in order. Probably the last time we will have it till next winter, IF the temp finally starts to warm up.

I start IOP monday. The other location has evening IOP so I don’t have to miss work. It’s apparently by zoom phone call which will be interesting. I know from my work calls it’s hard to judge when to speak. Not that I really feel like speaking. I just wanted access to a dr sooner. And I didn’t want to go IP. Only problem is I now have to wait till Monday or Tuesday to meet the dr at the other location and see about getting minipress. Last night I had upsetting dreams, though I wouldn’t call them nightmares. My cat scared the absolute **** out of me though, he was apparently sleeping on top of me and something scared him and he took off like a rocket and woke me up in a panic. Thankfully I was under a thick blanket or else he would have torn into me. It was very odd.

I just want to go to sleep for awhile, just until this passes. I hate this feeling.

Love and hugs to all.

So the other day just wanted to rant and rave and carry on. My t is still off and on in my thoughts and idk what I'm going
to do with that.

But Yesterday I wanted to , in a sense start a fight with an obvious miss dial ((they left a voice message of "NOW" and I was ready to fire off with a **** you call back because... because it annoyed me they did that and just the tone- what a douche! But but if I call and do what I wanted I'm the douche)). I held myself to my standards of not creating fights with strangers because they aren't worth the time and energy- even though I really really wanted to... I laid awake a good chunk of the night.

Today my mind and just me- so much to do and let's get it done and let's go already and yet I'm utterlyforgetful in moments.
I stayed at the dog park for an hour talking with everyone in short conversation at safe distances while my pup did what she does with meeting everyone- because I'm more social FOR ME than reserved as I'm usually am. I some times can't form sentences but today I was firing off and jabbering. It all worked out, my pup slept while I was away at a store which has me more confident about my worries of separation anxiety. She also amazed me with staying quiet when I returned, but that's been a lot of practice. But at t hff e same time she wasn't quiet when i did my laundry and went to the front door of the building to get a drop off.
anyways, I keep ****ing forgetting my mask out of absence mindedness-- I did have it at the dog park, but for my laundry and the pick up I forgot ((and I forget a lot with dog potty calls)) I even have a box by the door and usually one of my hand made ones hanging near the leashes...and I was reading the repercussion in my area if not following protocol- up to $5000 and prison time (( not and/or , nor jail)) I reread this and even read it out loud to my friend due to I wanted to be sure I wasn't confused.
Oi, I'm thinking of writing myself a note on my door saying " do you have $5000 & afford a year of jail time?" ... just for a visual reminder that do I have my mask.

I sometimes do a "do i have my wallet, phone, keys , work bag and love in my heart " MENTAL check list saying when I'm start to get forgetful like this, guess I need to add in mask.

@BirdDancer I'm sorry about you husband's predicament and job-
while not the same I have a similar work place that we've been waiting to hear either furloughs, another cut ((already 10%, some 25%)) or lay offs. I always remind mysel and others we can only take one day at a time, today we have a job and for us this isn't a new realm.
For contractors and vendors we're just told the day they decided we're no longer at assignment - and employees are given notice that in 3 months they're gone.
I've lived this "well my badge and ids stil work today" for 13 years, it's sometimes is just another layer of anxiety to have. Plus resentment in a sense to ngf.. but I have issues. here lately I've just reminded myself to take it one day at a time, and remind myself that all of us busy bees have no control over the decisions, and worse yet over the last five years the managers have little to no say in the decision.
While it's not comforting, but it's reality... which in a sense gives power to look at it in the sense of what is "true" ...and sometimes I don't feel so guilty when I don't kill myself over the job to try to keep some sanity. Do not get me wrong, I'm a worker but me being 150% all the time is some times running me ragged... Im different though, i never thought of this career as others have and do... to me it will always be a job and I must do good at it for some reason... and life is bumpy at times no doubt.

I sincerely hope no bad news comes your way, but I always try to remind myself IF it does come my way, that I can only do what's in my control-- course telling myself this and the day of when it comes will most likely be different- I'll probably have a mini break down of how dumb I am or whatever-- but I'm positive it will pass or if it doesn't I'll be on another path.
This is me babbling- obviously I have my own anxieties with my job situation, because it's been so unstable.. stocks not being the price they want and budgeting gets analyzed, and it's not profit but cuts that help those numbers be made for my situation.. and I know others.. but that can get "political " so let's not go there beauflow.

Anyways. Many well thoughts to everyone.

"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Charles Lamb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7StUzVh3s

Hey all!

Just checking in quickly, mostly to wish those celebrating, Happy Mothers' Day!!
I will be doing a family video chat tomorrow for my mother. Speaking of, I don't know what I'd do without her! And I just want to send out special love and hugs to anyone out there who's lost either their mother or a child.
I realize this can be a happy day for some, but a difficult day for others, so many hugs.



Also, Mom is so special because she is the only person right now that I could trust with reading my novel draft. Although she hasn't said anything about it since the first day I sent her some of it (like 3 weeks ago??), so I'm a little nervous about what she thinks of it now.

But, the important thing for me to remember is that I made a huge accomplishment here! I completed my goal of writing a set number of words in a month, then I edited it over the past few weeks, and then I intend to finish the story in June. This is the first time I've ever written anything with this much "creativity" and output ...ever really! I was really having a difficult creative block for a few years, but this has been very positive! Not sure how long it will last, but I'll take the win!

best!

@beauflow, I am sorry you have some of the same stress regarding your job. It is awful! And as for the memory issues, I can be there during various mood states and even during stress itself. I would certainly hope you wouldn't be penalized if you forgot the mask on occasion. Though I think it's extremely important to remember, many don't (or even refuse) and seem not to be penalized. Maybe the worst would be a warning? I'm not sure.

Sending you hugs to find some peace. Will you see your tdoc or pdoc soon?

T is scheduled for two Friday's from now, she wanted to meet sooner but didn't get back to me ((we had a rocky session last one where I'm wondering why am I going to therapy again)) still no pdoc, my pcp doctor didn't follow through with her pdoc appointment setting and of course I was at a time that I question meds. Current t mentioned after some of the covid19 stuff dies down that she wants to talk more on pdoc.

This to me is life and I've learned, and keep learning. My friend has been checking in on me and helping.. even though I'm a ***** some times.. and idk why he sticks around.

I'm on call till tonight, I haven't been doing anything ((like drinking or pot)) ... I got up early this morning and pup's probably thinking our schedule is off and it is

"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Charles Lamb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7StUzVh3s

Hi there,

Thanks for your reply.

I take 400mg Lamictal, 20mg Abilify, 100mg Zoloft, Klonopin (anxiety, sleep) 1-1.5 mg/night.

10mg Propranolol (for tremors from Abilify, used to take 20mg but dangerously lowered my heart rate).

10 mg Methadone for Central Pain syndrome, so yes I have chronic pain. Also, Mobic for back pain.

No recent changes in meds.

I don't tend towards depression, not since I was young. I more generally get depressed after hypo/manic episodes. But it's situational, I don't think this is a Bipolar 'episode,' I'm just so so sad and frustrated and angry...

Thanks for your support.

I’ve noticed a big difference in how I’ve been feeling since Friday. I’ve been sleeping much better and I haven’t been worrying as much and my moods have been better. I can tell I’m done with my PMDD but I never did get my period. So I’m guessing they might have stopped. It’s sort of unusual for them to stop this early but it’s not unheard of.

HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY TO OUR MOMS!!!

HAPPY SUNDAY TO ALL!!!

Just a quick post to acknowledge Moms and their important contributions to their families and to the society.
I hope you are enjoying your special day!!!

I want to also acknowledge the importance of the contributions made to families and to society by members without an "official" designation of mother.

Much Love and Tremendous Gratitude to All!

P.S. I hope to be feeling better and caught up re: PMs soon.

@beauflow Where are you that there's such a hefty fine for not wearing a mask? They should do that here but how to enforce it? I see people at the grocery store every time I go in there without masks! I have had friends make them for me- but maybe I'm just lucky to have friends who can sew?

N3 let me sleep in. Way too much! He finally came in and said "Happy Mother's Day". I called my mom and she too took a long nap so I finally talked with her today. I'm feeling good today. N3 took me out for a drive thru coffee and a donut. I hadn't had a donut for months and months. It was good but I don't think I'd make a habit of it. I've also been eating shreaded wheat lately and that's really helping with my digestive issues.

I'm sitting here listening to jazz on the radio texting friends, including my friend in Germany. Peter texted me after I blocked him on my phone. He used my phone number to message me through facebook messenger. Ugh! I'm beginning to see that he's stalking me. Should I just tell him to leave me alone or "please do not contact me again"? I hate to give him the satisfaction of a response but he ovbiously knows that Ive blocked his texts now. What would you do? I thought Id blocked him on fb but come to find out it only silences notifications- you can still see the message! Grrr.... What would you do?

I feel a bit better today. I even left my bed to sit in the living room. Granted it was only for an hour but still. Progress is progress.

So, maybe some relief, maybe not any relief.

I wonder what would happen for you two if you changed teh paradigm here. If you simply made the decision now or soon or at some time specified by you, noone else, and got on the plane to Provence--or wherever. Maybe the universe is trying to tell you something here about taking control of your lives. Dunno, but was thinking about this.

Just focus on making it through today. You can do it.

Huh. I wonder if a little Depakote or Lithium could lift you a bit. Just been my own experience that they do actually help with more than mania for some of us.

Ever tried Wellbutrin? Lots of bp 1 people really do well with it. Another thought.

Sendning strength and support! Do not give up! This will turn around, you just may have to make a move or two.

Awesome. Progress, not perfection...

Got 8 hours or so last night, which was nice. Still, pretty tired right now. Med changes stink.

Mentioned elsewhere briefly that I am going to get a puppy. A Vizsla. Have had 2 of them before and they are really perfect for my present situation. Will get me out of the house, since they must run at least 90 minutes a day or so. Also, they are often termed "velcro" dogs, because they absolutely must either be touching you or, much more commonly, on you--at every moment of the day. Since I lack physical contact with others, this is just what the doctor ordered. Training him or her will also give me another set of goals and activities focusing on something outside of my own brain. We have a good plan on what to do if I become super sick again. My ex, who already has one of these dogs of her own, will take mine until I can get back on my feet.

Happy Mothers Day to all!!! Love and hugs to everyone!!

A friend of mine has always had vizslas for as long as I've known him. I remember being at his house on the couch with a dog laying his head across my lap every second.

Hi all. I am doing okay, just continuing to be busy so haven't had much energy and time to update. I got some seeds for my garden plot and will hopefully get that planted soon. I started birth control today and am a little nervous about it because if history tells me anything it will make me feel worse. However, I need to try something for the PMDD so fingers crossed! Did some cleaning and laundry the past couple days (still doing laundry by hand to avoid the group laundry facilities, but it's not that bad actually, just takes time). I do feel great when things are clean though. Picked up my meds from the drive through pharmacy and a little worried it wasn't 6 feet distance, but we can only do what we can do. Talked to my mom today and other family members so that was good. I am happy that my dad is actually taking better care of himself than ever, and it's given him a lot more energy and boosted his mood. He usually eats pretty poorly and has felt old and like why bother doing things, but now he's doing much better about that. Sending compassion to everyone!

I am at work right now. It's close to an area popular with tourists and locals. It was surreal walking through the streets with only 50 people where there would normally be thousands. I grabbed some take out and left a larger tip than normal for the restaurant workers.

Keeping busy is helping my mood a lot, but seeing what's happening our there makes me emotional. On the good side, people are generally friendlier to each other. Co-workers are great too. Soon at 7pm everyone will be out on their balconies cheering for the health care and essential workers as they do every night.

I'm doing my best to take things week by week and ignore as much analysis of the news as possible. Just keep on doing my best and march forward....

It's been a quiet couple of days, relaxing and coping with my mild depression as best i can. I did better today as i managed to stay out of bed and even took a shower. I also did my weekly dosette which is good because i hate when i leave it til bedtime. I tuned in to news today and i find it helps me feel less isolated and more oriented and tuned-in. The news here is somewhat better today, with decreasing numbers and cautious moves to re-open things. I sure miss the mall!

I wished my neighbor Happy Mother's Day and she said it back and that me being a dog-mom counts.

Happy Mother's Day to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

I think there is a way to block messages...unless, maybe it blocks messages from everyone, but I am pretty sure you can shut it off for a specific user. Yea, so try blocking directly on the chat itself. There should be an option. Good luck!

And Happy Mothers Day!