Bipolar check-in #46

Jun 08, 2020 at 08:02 AM

I feel so depressed... yet I feel hyper. I sure hope this episode I'm in isn't a mixed state, but it is looking more and more like one.

Anyway, I slept from about 11pm until 4:30am, and i feel awful mood wise. I wish I had a magic med that would make this episode go away, but my pdoc said Trileptal takes 2-4 weeks to kick in. Ughhh...

[Mini rant]: I hate how meds take so long to work (in general). You have to wait weeks to see if a med works or not, and if it doesn't work, then you have wasted weeks of time trying to get the episode under control.

I know some people here have been going through a lot worse than me, so I don't really have the right to complain. I just felt the need to rant about how slow meds take to work... (P.S. I am also on atorvastatin (Lipitor), which messes with your liver's metabolism with meds, which means I generally need high doses of meds, and unfortunately, I always have to start on low doses that aren't effective and spend more time titrating up...)

Wild Coyote · Jun 08, 2020 at 08:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I feel so depressed... yet I feel hyper. I sure hope this episode I'm in isn't a mixed state, but it is looking more and more like one.

Anyway, I slept from about 11pm until 4:30am, and i feel awful mood wise. I wish I had a magic med that would make this episode go away, but my pdoc said Trileptal takes 2-4 weeks to kick in. Ughhh...

[Mini rant]: I hate how meds take so long to work (in general). You have to wait weeks to see if a med works or not, and if it doesn't work, then you have wasted weeks of time trying to get the episode under control.

I know some people here have been going through a lot worse than me, so I don't really have the right to complain. I just felt the need to rant about how slow meds take to work... (P.S. I am also on atorvastatin (Lipitor), which messes with your liver's metabolism with meds, which means I generally need high doses of meds, and unfortunately, I always have to start on low doses that aren't effective and spend more time titrating up...)

Hey Blue,

I am sorry you continue to suffer with this very challenging period of illness instability and frustration.

Your current challenges are every bit as valid as anyone else's challenges.

You've been kind of "teetering on the edge" for awhile now, with rather brief periods of some degree of relief in between the more challenging times.

As with other friends here, it's very important you find stabilization. Your employment, it seems, is at risk more often and for longer periods of time than in the past. (My perception of this could be off.)

I am hoping and praying you'll start feeling much better very soon.
In the meantime, is there any shorter-term prn you find helpful until you stabilize on the Trileptal?

Thinking of you, praying for you and hoping this uncomfortable period of time will be short, passing quickly.

Much love to You, My friend

Jun 08, 2020 at 09:26 AM

I kinda hate existing. I don't know if that makes me depressed or not, I certainly feel more wired and energized than down. It's just this breathing thing, it's unbearable. Like right now I don't like having a body and feeling every little movement within it. Feeling my heart beat, my blood circulate, my lungs inhale and exhale,etc. it's driving me crazy. I know I brought this upon myself, and I probably shouldn't even be writing this.

Mountaindewed · Jun 08, 2020 at 09:52 AM

I think I’m finally getting that Wellbutrin anxiety. Saturday night and last night I kept waking up throughout the night with this massive anxiety, and it was going on throughout the day. I’m just anxious about everything. Right now I could use about 2 Xanax. Other then the anxiety I feel ok today.

bpcyclist · Jun 08, 2020 at 10:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013

It was my favorite weather today: sunny and cool and breezy. I like it cold enough to wear long sleeves to cover my scars and long pants. I like to feel comfy cozy in my clothes. Tomorrow will be like this too! Yay! It helps me feel healthy. I'm really sensitive to the weather.

I got all whipped up in a terrible frenzy of rage today over this negligent psychiatrist i saw the year of my divorce. It was just a storm tho and passed in an hour.

Otherwise my day was fine. I had some nice Scrabble games. I gave myself more time and it's helping. Some stinkers tho but my talents are pretty modest so i'm trying not to mind. It's a good activity for a recluse. Keeps my mind active and i play at a club so it gives me a toehold in the world.

I feel pretty good! Hugs to all!

I am so sorry you got triggered, whatever, abou that old pdoc. I sometimes get mad at my former one, too, even though I loved her. But I just think if she had treated me more aggressively, my depression, that is, that I might not have gotten so sick. Only God knows, of course, and I try not to question His plan for me, which all this most obviously was...

I am a writer. My brain is not doing very well right now. At times, I am not enjoying writing in the least. It is just no fun and of no interest. And yet, I have to finish these books. So, I try to do as much as I can as well as I can and not judge myself, knowing that the joy will eventually return. Somehow, some way. It will. I am sure the same will happen with your Scrabble. Just do what you can and try to avoid negative thinking.

Love and hugs!!!!!!11

bpcyclist · Jun 08, 2020 at 11:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by raging vortex

my mood is good at the moment, but only because I have nothing stressing me out

give it a few hours..

Hey, raging, why don't you see if today, you can try to have a positive outlook on this day, on the next few hours, maybe. Maybe it will be better. Maybe there will be a breakthrough for you today. Practicing using positive neural pathways can make them more accessible and may ultimately help you cope better in the long run. I am trying to practice this, myself. It is hard, but I do think it helps me.

bpcyclist · Jun 08, 2020 at 11:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

A Note of Gratitude:

This particular forum is blessed with very insightful, very compassionate and highly supportive members.
I have been a beneficiary of the understanding, the encouragement and the Love offered to members.
Approximately a year ago I was challenged to somehow adjust to a major change in my life. Some of you might recall the sense of devastation. It's not important that I get into the details; that was then and this is now.

This to simply say: I haven't forgotten the patience, the understanding, the encouragement, the overall Love and the support offered to me at the time and for a significant amount of time thereafter. Some days are much better than others; yet, they all foster further growth, facilitating a shedding of the old and the welcoming to the new.

I am eternally grateful to each and every one of you.

LOVE to ALL!

I feel the exact same way about this site and its people, Wild Coyote. And you know what? You are one of its many absolute treasures!!! You have helped me so much in my time here and I am so very grateful to you for that support and insight.

Love and hugs!!

bpcyclist · Jun 08, 2020 at 11:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I feel so depressed... yet I feel hyper. I sure hope this episode I'm in isn't a mixed state, but it is looking more and more like one.

Anyway, I slept from about 11pm until 4:30am, and i feel awful mood wise. I wish I had a magic med that would make this episode go away, but my pdoc said Trileptal takes 2-4 weeks to kick in. Ughhh...

[Mini rant]: I hate how meds take so long to work (in general). You have to wait weeks to see if a med works or not, and if it doesn't work, then you have wasted weeks of time trying to get the episode under control.

I know some people here have been going through a lot worse than me, so I don't really have the right to complain. I just felt the need to rant about how slow meds take to work... (P.S. I am also on atorvastatin (Lipitor), which messes with your liver's metabolism with meds, which means I generally need high doses of meds, and unfortunately, I always have to start on low doses that aren't effective and spend more time titrating up...)

It is a cruel thing we all must deal with, this very slow onset of action. Looks like your weather there is going to be just delightful today. Maybe see if you could get outside for a few minutes. Are you anywhere near the water? It might help just a bit, just a little change of scenes for a few mintues sometimes gives a little boost. Even a little one can help.

Hugs and strength. Hang in there. It will turn around.

bpcyclist · Jun 08, 2020 at 11:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spikes

I kinda hate existing. I don't know if that makes me depressed or not, I certainly feel more wired and energized than down. It's just this breathing thing, it's unbearable. Like right now I don't like having a body and feeling every little movement within it. Feeling my heart beat, my blood circulate, my lungs inhale and exhale,etc. it's driving me crazy. I know I brought this upon myself, and I probably shouldn't even be writing this.

I am sorry, spikes, but how did you bring this on yourself?

bpcyclist · Jun 08, 2020 at 11:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I think I’m finally getting that Wellbutrin anxiety. Saturday night and last night I kept waking up throughout the night with this massive anxiety, and it was going on throughout the day. I’m just anxious about everything. Right now I could use about 2 Xanax. Other then the anxiety I feel ok today.

What's that Wellbutrin dose, MD? 300, long-acting or something? At breakfast?

bpcyclist · Jun 08, 2020 at 11:24 AM

Very rough day for me yesterday. Quite down and blue, amotiavational, andhednoic. Barely able to get the most basic stuff done. Oh well. Wd do what we can do.

I am trying to work hard on being more positive and more accepting of reality. Trying harder not to judge myself. To look for the gifts, not the deficits or losses. For example, if I felt well enough to ride th ebike for even an hour or work on my books, it would really help me, but the part of the brain that governs motivation is just not functioning for me right now. At all.

All my academic and career success was driven by a fierce feeling that I was not good enough. You can get a lot done when You feel that way. But it is not a healthy mindset for me. So, I am trying to lose that. It is a process for me. Judging me is bad for me. I need to accept me, even when all I can do is just sit in my chair and try to make it past the next hour.

Love and hugs and support to all, especially those struggling. Stay with it. Things will turn around. Have faith, if you can.

Mountaindewed · Jun 08, 2020 at 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

What's that Wellbutrin dose, MD? 300, long-acting or something? At breakfast?

It just 75 milligrams in the morning. I’m not sure if it’s long lasting. The loss of appetite side effect sure lasts all day though. I’ve been on it for about 2 months now and my anxiety was fine until yesterday so I’m wondering if it’s the Wellbutrin or if I just have sucky anxiety in general right now. But the weight loss is really starting up now too. And I know that’s a side effect as well.

But can side effects take 2 months to show up?

Jun 08, 2020 at 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

I am sorry, spikes, but how did you bring this on yourself?

By engaging in excessive drinking and drug use. Stupid of me...

bpcyclist · Jun 08, 2020 at 01:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

It just 75 milligrams in the morning. I’m not sure if it’s long lasting. The loss of appetite side effect sure lasts all day though. I’ve been on it for about 2 months now and my anxiety was fine until yesterday so I’m wondering if it’s the Wellbutrin or if I just have sucky anxiety in general right now. But the weight loss is really starting up now too. And I know that’s a side effect as well.

But can side effects take 2 months to show up?

Jeez MD--that is like a nano dose. If that low dose is aggravating your anixiety, you may just be really sensitive to it. Hope it turns around soon!!!!

bpcyclist · Jun 08, 2020 at 01:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spikes

By engaging in excessive drinking and drug use. Stupid of me...

Have you had periods of sobriety or clean time in the past, spikes? You can do it. It is never too late to start working on this. I struggled with addiction for decades. For the most part, it is quite easy now. And lots of people never, ever thought I could do it.

But you can do it. You can totally do it. It would probably help your mood quite a bit. Sending you strength.

Jun 08, 2020 at 04:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Have you had periods of sobriety or clean time in the past, spikes? You can do it. It is never too late to start working on this. I struggled with addiction for decades. For the most part, it is quite easy now. And lots of people never, ever thought I could do it.

But you can do it. You can totally do it. It would probably help your mood quite a bit. Sending you strength.

Thanks. It's a little late for today, but tomorrow I will not use. Just gotta remind myself of that every day and take it one day at a time. I've had periods where all I use is weed and small amounts of alcohol, but I haven't had a period of full sobriety in years.
-----

I just had a really good group session where I opened up more about trauma stuff. The counselor said she thinks my hallucinations/delusions/paranoia are more related to trauma than anything else. We discussed a lot of other stuff like anger and dissociation too. Helpful. First step I'm taking this week is working on sobriety while allowing myself to feel emotions.

giddykitty · Jun 08, 2020 at 06:05 PM

Well, issues surrounding the when and how I'm going to make this last appointment (of the 3 free) have come up. The first available between us isn't until June 18th. I did message her to see if I can get something sooner, like Wednesday or even tomorrow...it's going to be tricky trying to communicate with her right now though. sigh! so...just a little stressed about it all!

Oh! And apparently, I've come to the end of my Clonazepam (for anxiety). I mean, I have the "as needed" backup, but the intent was to get off of it...I'm a little nervous about getting withdrawal symptoms though, or just being extra anxious with everything going on. Sigh!

Innerzone · Jun 08, 2020 at 06:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Very rough day for me yesterday. Quite down and blue, amotiavational, andhednoic. Barely able to get the most basic stuff done. Oh well. Wd do what we can do.

I am trying to work hard on being more positive and more accepting of reality. Trying harder not to judge myself. To look for the gifts, not the deficits or losses. For example, if I felt well enough to ride th ebike for even an hour or work on my books, it would really help me, but the part of the brain that governs motivation is just not functioning for me right now. At all.

All my academic and career success was driven by a fierce feeling that I was not good enough. You can get a lot done when You feel that way. But it is not a healthy mindset for me. So, I am trying to lose that. It is a process for me. Judging me is bad for me. I need to accept me, even when all I can do is just sit in my chair and try to make it past the next hour.

Love and hugs and support to all, especially those struggling. Stay with it. Things will turn around. Have faith, if you can.

I'm sorry it's going so roughly for you, and wanted to tell you that I think your process is a very worthy one. Our thinking can contribute SO much to troubles (Oh thanks "so" for your "contribution", ugh!

) And who needs that kind of piling on, right?!

Wishing you a lot of successes (so many battles our mind can give us!) in your endeavor, and hope you get to feeling better soon.

bpcyclist · Jun 08, 2020 at 06:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spikes

Thanks. It's a little late for today, but tomorrow I will not use. Just gotta remind myself of that every day and take it one day at a time. I've had periods where all I use is weed and small amounts of alcohol, but I haven't had a period of full sobriety in years.
-----

I just had a really good group session where I opened up more about trauma stuff. The counselor said she thinks my hallucinations/delusions/paranoia are more related to trauma than anything else. We discussed a lot of other stuff like anger and dissociation too. Helpful. First step I'm taking this week is working on sobriety while allowing myself to feel emotions.

I found support groups to be very helpful when I was trying to get sober. There really is no value like the value of one addict helping another.

swimmingly · Jun 08, 2020 at 06:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by swimmingly

I'm definitely in full-blown mania. I've been able to sleep with help from my sleep meds, but I definitely notice a big difference in the quality and have been waking up more. I'm definitely way more irritable. I'm working too many hours, at least 12 daily, and through weekends. I'm pretty much a zombie. I'm hoping mania passes fast. Believe it or not, I feel so much more comfortable in a nice long depression. I think I'm so used to it... and have better coping skills for that mode. I printed a ton of grounding techniques for mania, and put a bunch as reminders in my phone and notes, in hopes that I'll have the keenness to be able to use them when the time arises. This is my first switch back since my mania bout in the hospital. I'm a little nervous.

This was me on 6/6, just two days ago. I woke up this morning feeling like I'm floating outside of my body. Not in mania at all. Just in my baseline zone. I've never had anything like that happen before.

I've only been watching for symptoms of BP for 5 years now. I feel like a newbie.

Only had two big bouts of Mania, once when I was triggered during a big break-up, and I went nuts with spending and not sleeping and other bad behavior, and once in hospitalization where I couldn't act out other than getting in fights and not sleeping despite medication. So what happened to me? I left a message on my P docs urgent line, but I likely won't hear back until Thursday. I was off the walls. If I had to say which way I was heading, I couldn't even say.

I just feel like unicorn, which is what my therapist and I call my baseline. I think my problem is that I truly want to understand everything that's going on and I don't.

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Bipolar check-in #46

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Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,340 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,820 hugs given	Jun 08, 2020 at 09:52 AM #964 I think I’m finally getting that Wellbutrin anxiety. Saturday night and last night I kept waking up throughout the night with this massive anxiety, and it was going on throughout the day. I’m just anxious about everything. Right now I could use about 2 Xanax. Other then the anxiety I feel ok today. __________________ Ridin' with Biden