[*Beth*]

I had a surgery date scheduled for April 7th to remove calcification from my achilles tendon. The pain is intense and my ability to walk is limited. The surgery was cancelled because of COVID . Several weeks ago I began calling the clinic, as in...Hi, hey, when will my surgery be rescheduled?

The surgeon's office called me today. Surgery is scheduled for May 28th! Yay! I mean, sure, I'm anxious. But I'm doing my best to focus on the good. The day before the surgery I have to have a COVID test; I'm glad. I'll finally know if I'm a carrier, or not.

Besides that, have my first telehealth appt. with my pdoc this afternoon. I'm optimistic for this appointment. Okay with it.

Still very angry at my therapist and feeling pretty darn crushed about 2 years of trauma work being left incomplete because she won't commit to ever see in clients in person again (i.e., no trauma work). So I'm stuck in the middle with symptoms returning and no way to deal with them except increased meds, which I don't want.

I'm glad to hear you got your surgery appt rescheduled.

But I'm also sorry to hear about your therapist. Did she at least say why she won't commit to seeing clients ever again? I think you deserve to know if she hasn't told you.

What are you going to do now for therapy? Did this therapist even offer suggestions of other therapists who you could see instead of her?

[Mopey]

Hope your surgery goes well, BethRags. Those things are definitely anxiety-inducing until they're over!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I'm glad to hear you got your surgery appt rescheduled.

Thank you blue. You are always so kind and supportive to me. I am deeply grateful

But I'm also sorry to hear about your therapist. Did she at least say why she won't commit to seeing clients ever again? I think you deserve to know if she hasn't told you.

Yeah. She had a severe case of pneumonia during the winter of '18. She was hospitalized for 3 months and barely made it through. She's terrified (like, I mean truly PTSD type terrified) of catching anything that will compromise her breathing.

I have compassion for her fear. I just don't believe that she is making a healthy choice for clients who have been doing intense trauma work, to say that she will not be doing therapy in person again.

What are you going to do now for therapy? Did this therapist even offer suggestions of other therapists who you could see instead of her?

Telemedicine. But my T said she doesn't think trauma work by video is a good idea. I don't either, and I don't understand the purpose of watered-down therapy. I'm horribly angry and having damned psychotic symptoms.

Seeing another therapist...my insurance only covers the clinic my current T is in. The only other therapist who works with trauma/mentally ill clients is young, new and not someone I feel drawn to, at all.

I feel terribly betrayed. And re-traumatized.

Thank you, blue for listening to me vent.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[*Beth*]

Spoke - well, video'd - with my pdoc today. Told her I'm having the damned psychotic symptoms again. She was pissy because she said she doesn't understand what "no trauma work" means. She wanted to know why I didn't ask my therapist what she meant. I don't freakin' know why I didn't ask; it didn't occur to me to question her. So pdoc made an appointment with therapist for tomorrow so I can talk to her about what exactly "trauma work" is, and that I feel abandoned, which is why I cut my appointments down from 2/week to 1/week.


I saw demons behind my pdoc, so I asked her if she's okay. It really scared me. She said she's eating a lot of good salad lately, and that she's fine. I wanted to tell her there are demons behind her, but I didn't.

I cut my appts. down because I want to see my T in her office, not in my apartment, which makes me feel creepy.

Isn't trauma work about working on trauma from childhood? Or PTSD, in general?

[fern46]

I think perhaps it could be worth considering holding compassion for the fear your T is experiencing at this time. It is not personal or a choice she makes to harm her clients. It is a choice she makes from a fear based protective perspective. Human to human, amd especially a human who understands fear, you can respect that even if it is incongruent with her selected profession.

Is that the healthiest perspective to adopt? No. Is it a good example for her clients? No. However, I think it is clear it is less about you and more about her. Maybe you could feel less abandoned of you viewed it as her attempt to hold herself together and less as an attempt to destabilize and abandon you. I imagine she wants what is best for you, but the fear clouds her judgment. You have every right to be disappointed, but try not to take it personally. You're great and you deserve the level of service that is right for you.

Sometimes change can bring a wealth of positive experiences your way. If you need to do trauma work, maybe it is time to seek a new therapist that is willing to meet in person and offers you more education and knowledge around the purpose and specific goals for your time together. 'Trauma work' is like saying 'eating healthy'. It means something different to everyone and it is a wide subject. It is imperative to know what your specific service provider means and what they are attempting to offer you in terms of strategy and value. It is important to know what kind of work and effort they expect from you in return. It is important to educate them on what trauma means to you and what you need assistance in healing.

Why hide the fact you see demons from your pdoc? Maybe this is wrong, but I feel that is precisely the kind of information she needs to assist you.

I think it is cool you gave the video appointment a chance. I know it isn't preferable, but you're open to change as needed and that is valuable and commendable. Nice job!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by fern46

I think perhaps it could be worth considering holding compassion for the fear your T is experiencing at this time. It is not personal or a choice she makes to harm her clients. It is a choice she makes from a fear based protective perspective. Human to human, amd especially a human who understands fear, you can respect that even if it is incongruent with her selected profession.

Yes. I truly do have compassion for her. I guess one of the issues I have is that while my mom had a mental illness (that she never had treated), she was also quite physically ill with cardiac problems. I had to care for her, starting at age 8 when my dad divorced her. I loved my mom very much. Yet I face the fact that she always, without exception, demanded that her needs be first. I'm a people pleaser; I automatically found myself taking care of my therapist, putting her before my needs. Then came home a mess.

Is that the healthiest perspective to adopt? No. Is it a good example for her clients? No. However, I think it is clear it is less about you and more about her. Maybe you could feel less abandoned of you viewed it as her attempt to hold herself together and less as an attempt to destabilize and abandon you. I imagine she wants what is best for you, but the fear clouds her judgment. You have every right to be disappointed, but try not to take it personally. You're great and you deserve the level of service that is right for you.

I am sure she feels very sorry for not being able to meet in person. And who knows...maybe if we have a vaccine by early 2021 things could at least somewhat return to normal. It's this awful "not knowing" that I think is hitting all of us.

Sometimes change can bring a wealth of positive experiences your way. If you need to do trauma work, maybe it is time to seek a new therapist that is willing to meet in person and offers you more education and knowledge around the purpose and specific goals for your time together. 'Trauma work' is like saying 'eating healthy'. It means something different to everyone and it is a wide subject. It is imperative to know what your specific service provider means and what they are attempting to offer you in terms of strategy and value. It is important to know what kind of work and effort they expect from you in return. It is important to educate them on what trauma means to you and what you need assistance in healing.

I like your analogy...like "eating healthy."

Why hide the fact you see demons from your pdoc? Maybe this is wrong, but I feel that is precisely the kind of information she needs to assist you.

Ugggh...I agree! I felt afraid to tell her, lost my courage. And I'm usually up-front. Seems I've lost my courage this month.

I think it is cool you gave the video appointment a chance. I know it isn't preferable, but you're open to change as needed and that is valuable and commendable. Nice job!
Thank you! I came a long way with the video stuff. I felt pleased with myself
Thank you, fleurs, for your help

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you blue. You are always so kind and supportive to me. I am deeply grateful
Yeah. She had a severe case of pneumonia during the winter of '18. She was hospitalized for 3 months and barely made it through. She's terrified (like, I mean truly PTSD type terrified) of catching anything that will compromise her breathing.

I have compassion for her fear. I just don't believe that she is making a healthy choice for clients who have been doing intense trauma work, to say that she will not be doing therapy in person again.

Telemedicine. But my T said she doesn't think trauma work by video is a good idea. I don't either, and I don't understand the purpose of watered-down therapy. I'm horribly angry and having damned psychotic symptoms.

Seeing another therapist...my insurance only covers the clinic my current T is in. The only other therapist who works with trauma/mentally ill clients is young, new and not someone I feel drawn to, at all.

I feel terribly betrayed. And re-traumatized.

Thank you, blue for listening to me vent.

You're welcome.

I can only imagine your frustration with your therapist. I'm sorry to hear that the only other trauma therapist is someone you don't connect with.

If you aren't already going to a community mental health clinic, is there any way to go to such a clinic or free or low-cost (i.e., sliding scale) therapy? I don't know how insurance works with those places, but people on this forum do go to these community clinics. Of course, the therapists there might not be that great compared to private therapists, but you could certainly try out someone there to see if you connect at all. After all, you don't connect with the other lady in your current office anyway, so I don't think it would hurt to look into a community clinic.

Also -- and I don't know if this is true for everyone because I've never done this myself -- sometimes churches can assist in getting someone free or low-cost therapy. Here's a good article about it: How to Find Someone to Talk to When You Can't Afford Therapy

Hope that info helps.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by BethRags

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can imagine it would be quite triggering to feel yourself putting her needs first especially when the whole goal of therapy is to address your needs.

What strength and courage it must have taken to care for your mother in her state at such a young age. You're really a remarkable lady Beth!

I am hopeful the surgery goes very smoothly for you and you find your way back to crusing around on your injured foot again very soon.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

You're welcome.

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I can only imagine your frustration with your therapist. I'm sorry to hear that the only other trauma therapist is someone you don't connect with.

If you aren't already going to a community mental health clinic, is there any way to go to such a clinic or free or low-cost (i.e., sliding scale) therapy? I don't know how insurance works with those places, but people on this forum do go to these community clinics. Of course, the therapists there might not be that great compared to private therapists, but you could certainly try out someone there to see if you connect at all. After all, you don't connect with the other lady in your current office anyway, so I don't think it would hurt to look into a community clinic.

Yes, my therapist is at a community clinic. I don't pay to see her. My pdoc is at the same clinic (pdoc is outstanding, if rather eccentric).

I adore my therapist; I just get...frustrated with, and hurt by, some of her behavior. Honestly, I think at least some part of the problem is her age. She's 69, not in great health, and there are things...for example, she has a terrible memory.

Also -- and I don't know if this is true for everyone because I've never done this myself -- sometimes churches can assist in getting someone free or low-cost therapy. Here's a good article about it: How to Find Someone to Talk to When You Can't Afford Therapy

Hope that info helps.


Thank you for the link! I'm going to check it out right now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by fern46

I can imagine it would be quite triggering to feel yourself putting her needs first especially when the whole goal of therapy is to address your needs.

Yes, it just set off "the whole mess" again. Since I'll be talking (video) with her today, hopefully we can work stuff out.

What strength and courage it must have taken to care for your mother in her state at such a young age. You're really a remarkable lady Beth!

Aw, thank you. Yes, my mom needed to be cared for until she passed away when I was 42. It was hard...at times, when she became vicious, intolerable. But funny, I'd give a lot to go to lunch with her now.

I am hopeful the surgery goes very smoothly for you and you find your way back to crusing around on your injured foot again very soon.

Thank you! I'm so looking to getting back (eventually) to being able to take walks!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[*Beth*]

Okay, had my first therapy appointment by video! It's not as bad as I had expected it to be. It's not as good as in-person, what can I say. But considering it was our 1st one things went smoothly as far as tech stuff.

The appointment was immensely helpful. I explained every single thought I had in my mind about everything from our last session. I told her about the demons. She reiterated that they are the result of trauma, and that mixed with BP it gets very challenging, very quickly. It happens when I feel abandoned and entirely alone.

Mostly, the demons are alongside my mom; like I've mentioned, she was quite mentally ill, married a man who was also severely mentally ill, and my dad was gone. There were big problems.

Possible trigger:

My step-father sexually and physically tormented me. He was very involved with child porn. My mom knew what he was doing to me, but she told me he loved me, that I just didn't understand. When she was having an episode she'd tell me not to sleep because she was going to kill me in my sleep. Stuff like that, and it went on for so many, many years. I'm embarrassed to go into it too much, don't want to freak anybody out, but that's kind of a general idea. I'm messed up from all of it.

Anyway, I'm feeling fairly calmer after the therapy session. I was going to do once per week because I feel ashamed to take up so much of my therapist's time, but she said not now...still 2 times/week.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by fern46

I think perhaps it could be worth considering holding compassion for the fear your T is experiencing at this time. It is not personal or a choice she makes to harm her clients. It is a choice she makes from a fear based protective perspective. Human to human, amd especially a human who understands fear, you can respect that even if it is incongruent with her selected profession...

I want to thank you for this, fern. What you wrote was a wake-up call in a sense. It helped me when I had the session with my therapist today. And she had a good point...she told me that she is doing self care, and that that is important; something I can learn from.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I want to thank you for this, fern. What you wrote was a wake-up call in a sense. It helped me when I had the session with my therapist today. And she had a good point...she told me that she is doing self care, and that that is important; something I can learn from.

You are more than welcome. I think it is really great your session went well. I feel you are incredibly brave for being honest with her about what you were seeing and how you were feeling.

I can understand her assessment of the demons. I projected some wild stuff onto my husband when my childhood trauma surfaced. It can be so incredibly powerful.

I can also relate to the stuff your mother did. I yelled all kinds of crazy things my children heard the night I was sick. I know it traumatized them. The scared look in their eyes is tremendous motivation for me to work hard to stay as balanced as possible. I can only imagine what would happen to them growing up with that as a constant presence.

Of course, what your step-father did to you was just horrible. Like your mother he was incredibly sick and most likely suffered great trauma as a child himself.

You aren't their victim anymore. You stopped the cycle and that is priceless. That is you stepping into your power. And... you fought hard for yourself last week at your T session. You were authentic. The scared child part of you probably really appreciated it. You loved her the way your parents should have. That's a great healing behavior. Virtual high five to you!

Surgery is on Thursday? I'll be thinking of you.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by fern46

You are more than welcome. I think it is really great your session went well. I feel you are incredibly brave for being honest with her about what you were seeing and how you were feeling.

I can understand her assessment of the demons. I projected some wild stuff onto my husband when my childhood trauma surfaced. It can be so incredibly powerful.

I can also relate to the stuff your mother did. I yelled all kinds of crazy things my children heard the night I was sick. I know it traumatized them. The scared look in their eyes is tremendous motivation for me to work hard to stay as balanced as possible. I can only imagine what would happen to them growing up with that as a constant presence.

Of course, what your step-father did to you was just horrible. Like your mother he was incredibly sick and most likely suffered great trauma as a child himself.

You aren't their victim anymore. You stopped the cycle and that is priceless. That is you stepping into your power. And... you fought hard for yourself last week at your T session. You were authentic. The scared child part of you probably really appreciated it. You loved her the way your parents should have. That's a great healing behavior. Virtual high five to you!

Surgery is on Thursday? I'll be thinking of you.

Thank you, thank you!
Yes, surgery tomorrow (Thurs.)

Originally Posted by BethRags

Thank you, thank you!
Yes, surgery tomorrow (Thurs.)

I hope the surgery goes very very well for you, BethRags

[Victoria'smom]

good luck

[*Beth*]

Thank you Birdie

Thank you MM

[~Christina]

Good luck Beth

[*Beth*]

Thanks so much, Christina!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Hope it goes great today! Thoughts and prayers

[Wild Coyote]

I hope things have gone well and you are resting comfortably.
Take great care!
Love and Prayers

I hope it went well, update us when you can!

[*Beth*]

Thanks to each of you. Before I was taken in for surgery, I thought of you all

Surgery went well. I had an "achilles tendon reconstruction." No wonder the pain has been so bad for the past months. Little pin/joiner thingies put on my achilles tendon. I have a cast from below knee to toes, right leg. It's heavy! I think I'll have it on for 3 weeks, then get a boot. Using crutches at this time.

I am resting a lot, sooo tired. Pain meds help. Can't seem to clear my lungs, guess the breathing tube really irritated.

Whew. That's about it...on to healing!

Originally Posted by BethRags

Thanks to each of you. Before I was taken in for surgery, I thought of you all

Surgery went well. I had an "achilles tendon reconstruction." No wonder the pain has been so bad for the past months. Little pin/joiner thingies put on my achilles tendon. I have a cast from below knee to toes, right leg. It's heavy! I think I'll have it on for 3 weeks, then get a boot. Using crutches at this time.

I am resting a lot, sooo tired. Pain meds help. Can't seem to clear my lungs, guess the breathing tube really irritated.

Whew. That's about it...on to healing!

I am happy to read your surgery went well, Beth Rags! Do rest.