Bipolar check-in #48

I miss the people who are missing

My therapist mentioned legally having to hospitalize me if another SI incident happens. She wants me in some outpatient partial hospital program too. She says she’s super worried about me and wants me to send her emails all week. I’m really scared to do a program because I’m worried there will be harassment because I’m trans. I plan on just ignoring her all week. Although I’m not sure outright ignoring her is wise based on her remarks about calling 911 and having the cops come to my house if I do anything. I’m just super tired about everything right now.

The good thing about today is that my tax refund came in and the guy in front of me at Starbucks paid for my coffee. So the day wasn’t all bad.

Thank you to the friend who sent me this, the Truth ... ''that and much else testify to who I really am, a person not at all like who the abusers would have us think...''

I hope all those who are missing are doing ok

Last two days have been a mixed bag, like this mania. Monday I was busy at work so I was distracted enough that I was able to ignore everything. It was a blessing in a sense. I even forgot to leave an annoying message for my doctor to come back to today. Everything was still bad but I was distracted a bit. Today was pretty bad. I'm doing everything to avoid hospitalization. Wife is helping and wants to adhere to my wishes about hosp for now. Called doc. They jacked up my trileptal. I'm on orders to take my prns on a schedule now. They put me to sleep at work, but she says she doesn't care (the doc she says that). The trileptal makes me pretty sleepy too. They also want to try to keep me out of hosp but aren't too optimistic because they think its a matter of meds at this point. Agree with mixed episode diag.

Last week it was about me mowing lawn as a sign of life, now i'm not allowed to, lol. Every sound is magnified and painful. My wife explained it to the kids today, they know about BD, but haven't really cared to learn about it on their own or ask a lot of questions about it. She gave them the basics and explained that the noise really bothers me now. I'm propped up with pillows and typing this to you guys and sending a few dms, and then writing in my journal, and then going to bed. Just wanted to check in to let you all know that I'm alive and that I'm sending good vibe to all of my friends and to those who need it right now. Take good care of yourselves.

Tomorrow is the Big Day! It's been 1 month, so I'll be getting the cast off my leg. Thank the universe, what a relief. I had no idea, before getting one, that casts were so heavy. Next step is a "boot." I think I'll have to wear the boot whenever I'm not in bed, but at least I'll be able to sleep without something weighting my leg down. And I can shave my leg. And scratch itches And start putting aloe vera on the incision.

I have not left my apartment since June 8th because of the stairs, and of course covid. Oh - except once, to get a haircut. Being inside hasn't bothered me, since I still see my therapist and pdoc by telehealth. It's going to feel so weird to walk with only my own feet again...haven't walked like that since May 28th. It will be amazing if I'm not in pain!

Good stuff happening in therapy.

It's hot as a desert, dry as a bone, and all 5 kitties are in circles, sound asleep.

That's my check-in
Love to all

I am sorry, MD, I am. But listen, I ignored people for about a week once and then, presto!! Police welfare check. So, they will come. They will for sure.

It is 2020. I think most people are more informed and understanding than u are recognizing. I bet people are nice to you.

Hugs!!

Hi all. I have missed everyone. I have still been feeling tired and apathetic, so just haven't done much of anything. Just checking in to say hi. One thing I am enjoying is spending time with my partner's new dog. She is soo sweet that it's hard to not be a least a little happy around her. I had therapy today and it was okay. I have been having lots of worried thoughts and not able to sleep at times. We talked about that some. Well, that's all I can think to update on right now. Sending compassion.

moved to 300mg of clozapine today, I'm about to take my night dose (200mg)

I’m so sad. I texted my brother just to say hi because I haven’t talked to him since my Nana’s funeral. He never texted me back. There, he said we should get together because he doesn’t care about the virus since we’ve all been isolating. His wife was more hesitant. However, they have had her brother and his girlfriend over, and I noticed on fb that they went to her aunt’s on the Fourth of July. He’s also out fishing at the shore, which means they’ve been going to her parent’s house. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t want to see me. Why does he go everywhere with his wife and not even invite me to his house? We live ten minutes from each other.

He always claims he loves me more than anything and he wants to see me, and then it’s radio silence unless I reach out, and then it’s still silence. The last time I saw him back in January, he said he wanted RS to go fishing with him over the summer. Yet here it is July, and nothing.

It just hurts me. I know he needs serious help. Him and his wife are in an enmeshed co dependent relationship and they are both very obviously alcoholics. Yes, high functioning, but it’s clear. They spend their weekends getting absolutely plastered. Not just a little drunk. And I know at least he drinks during the week too, I just don’t know to what extent.

I just wish he would get help. He’s so messed up from our childhood. His wife says he wants a male therapist but there aren’t any. That’s a lie. If he really wanted a therapist I could direct him where to go. There are male therapists at my program.

She’s always in his ear. Anything I say to him will be told to her, and she will interpret it as she feels fit, and make him believe her side. She’s turned him against my family. I get that he doesn’t want to talk to my mom. She hurt him very much and he’s not ready for it. But why not me? Why not our grandmother? She’s really suffering right now and I dint think he even knows. She raised us when my mother couldn’t. She even paid the down payment and closing costs for their house. AND paid for the heating system to be installed. Doesn’t that warrant at least a phone call?

I feel so saddened. I wish he wouldn’t just completely ignore his side of the family. I didn’t do that when I bailed out with my late husband, ESPECIALLY not when my son was born. I had huge problems rectifying my childhood but I got help. He won’t even try because he thinks all he needs is his alcoholic wife.

I know I can’t help him unless he wants to help himself. But I fear he never will.

I am so sorry, wfc. I went through a similar thing with my brother. I finally decided I was not going to keep pursuinh him. Have not spoken to him in 9 years.

My counsel? Take care of you.

I made it through my root canal revision. 3 hours straight, nearly all of it was digging trying to get the things the first dentist put in the roots out. But they succeeded. I may still need oral surgery although I'm unclear on why (I was kind of out of it by the end when we talked about it).

I fell asleep when I got home (I was up a lot last night anxious about this) and so I'm expecting a late night tonight.

I have a cat peeing on my laundry and I'm not sure why. One has been not himself for a while but has improved in the last few days except for the peeing. To make it worse my washer is only washing small loads because it is off balance and I don't know how to fix that. I see research on that in my future.

I feel really stressed tonight. It may be from the numbing injections; I sometimes don't react well to those. Or who knows? I just need to get settled down and sleep.

So glad this is over.

I am so sorry, Yellow. I hope u feel better soon.

I am so sad and blue tonight. I know I am low on sleep, but really struggling. Try to find something cheery on TV. I am trying.

@bpcyclist: Hope you got some sleep. It sounds like you're thinking about some pretty heavy stuff at 3:00am. Remember how in "Infinite Jest" Hal helps Mario get to sleep by telling him to think "fuzzy thoughts"? My depression was a five yesterday, a one today, by the way.

@BethRags: Grats on your Big Day tomorrow! I'm sure it will feel great to be rid of the heavy plaster cast.

In my news, i'm in much better shape today than yesterday. I chatted with my neighbor again. I see her in the evenings when we take our dogs out. We sit in the courtyard under sheltering trees. I was so moved and comforted that she asked how things were re the issue i brought up yesterday about being so unhappy with Scrabble. It meant so much to me that she remembered my problem and followed up on it. I feel that she really cares! It was a great moment. Then we chatted about old TV shows. I really feel a lot healthier for getting some positive social contact. It's done me a world of good!

I felt so good i even took a shower, my second in two days, best i've done in months. I ordered groceries today and feel good about having a stocked kitchen. My meds came on time for the first time ever but they forgot one thing. Can't win 'em all!

@bpcyclist: Ack! We cross-posted. Sorry to hear you're feeling down and glad you are trying to find something cheery to focus on. We are of the same mind on that one!

Haven't walked in days. Its just too hot out during the day. I havent been sleeping well so when my alarm goes off at 6 to walk I fall back asleep and when I wake up its too hot to walk. I hope to get out of bed and splash my face with cold water tomorrow morning.

I finally have some good news. N3 got into community college! He starts this Fall. He's taking some freshman basics including calculus which he taught himself while in high school. I hope he does well - that he enjoys himself. I dont know if all the classes are online or not. I forgot to ask.

That's great Moose!

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Originally Posted by whatever2013 ... @BethRags: Grats on your Big Day tomorrow! I'm sure it will feel great to be rid of the heavy plaster cast. ...

How kind of you, thanks!

It's wonderful to hear that you had such a good visit with your neighbor. It sounds really fun.

Stress and a lack of sleep sets me up for depression. This is happening to me right now. I need to be more mindful of my actions that creates stress for me. I should of known better. So right now I cannot focus well and I have low energy. I am also am having negative thoughts, which is contributing to my stress. I wonder what coping skills that I can use for this?