Bipolar check-in #48

Here's a new thread since the other hit 100 pages.

Thanks.
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@Jennifer 1967: Sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. I hope your contact with your NP goes well. Perhaps remind yourself that you want to stay well for your precious daughter?

@bpcyclist: Grats on your new kitty! I am a little late i guess. He looks adorable and i hope you have many cozy fun-filled days ahead!

In my news: I got some much-needed company today from my one close neighbor. I was feeling lonely and in need of attention. She really paid good attention to me. I'm lucky to have her. I feel stirred-up tho. Socializing is very activating i guess. It was beautiful weather here, just breath-taking. My dog and i were out for hours. Still slept or dozed most of the day tho.

Hugs to all who struggle!

Thanks, whatever. He makes me so happy. My special little friend.

Hi all- just saying hi on the new thread. I updated how I'm feeling in a new thread that I just posted. I am going to try to get up early and walk. I didnt walk all weekend. I cant lose ground! My mom sent me a photo from a year ago- man was I fat! I sure hope I dont look that way still- my mom says I do not. Here's to becoming me again! Ps im going to try to post the picture my mom sent me here- maybe in my profile. Ok- I put it in albums in my profile.

Just spoke to an old hospital pal. Very nice. He became floridly psychotic when he was 19 and shot and killed his mother. He has spent maybe 9 of the last 12 years in the state hospital. He does not have a violent bone in his body. He has a bad disease. Is very sweet and very gentle. I'd let him watch my daugher, no problem at all, as long as he was on his meds. Has a marvelous laugh, just delightful. Quite bright, too.

Despite what he has had to contend with, Thad remains positive nad hopeful. Manages to find hope for a future, which is well-founded, as he is bright and kind and good with people. He finds meaning in his life where he can, sometimes in seemingly small things. He is farily happy overall, all things considered.

I share this little story because I want people struggling to know that there are others with these illnesses with big challenges, too, who are pushing ahead, even if they are stuck in a giant hospital for years and decades. There is always hope that tomorrow may be a bit easier, brighter, and better.

Those patients in these hospitals with severe, severe illness truly are my heroes and I love each and every one of them from the bottom of my heart.

Love and hugs to all!!!

Hi!
It’s been a long time since I last checked in.
I’m doing ok I guess. My mood is stable about a 4 out of 10. So a bit low. My anxiety continues to be life limiting. I’m managing to leave my apartment once a day for a walk but that’s about all I do for the day. I bought a weighted blanket and that has helped a little - I only now have 1-2 severe panic attacks a week.

I hope you are all doing ok. Hugs to anyone that needs them.

emotionally empty.

I am about to start another week with absolutely nothing going on, and it really sucks

plus side today is that as yet I've not been in severe physical pain, and it makes so much diffrence when you can start the day and not scream in agony

That's the life! Albert thinks you are the cat's meow. You are.

Thanks for sharing Thad's story, bpcyclist. I agree that we can put such horrors in the past and move on in a positive way. I would think/hope that is what Thad's mother would have wanted him to do.

I am glad your pain has eased, raging vortex.

I have also woken up a lot lately not knowing what to do, but I find something, even little, to enjoy. Even if it is just watching some birds. Sipping some coffee or tea. Looking at some trinkets I have good memories about.

Hugs and love, Pooky!!!!!!!!!!

Does anyone else get triggered by those bipolar med commercials on television? I have to either fast forward through DVR recordings or change the channel. Sometimes I'll just mute the audio but the visuals still trigger me.

Hey, vortices--what about picking up a fun project this week? Might be really good. Hobbies and interests--I forget??

Aww, thanks, BD!!!

Thank you for that kind remark, BirdDancer. I believe she is smiling down on him right now...

I don't take sleep meds anympore as nothing works. Trazodone, Seroquel, Thorazine, Restoril, Remeron, Serzone, Lunesta, I could go on all month.

Anyhow, I had some old Ambien around and was wide awake at 0215, so grabbed one and tossed it back. SUch a bizarre drug for me. Anyway, within an hour, I was, indeed, getting tired, which was great. But I was also convinced I had guests over and was entertaining them in my home. entire conversations. Seeing images of people, a small family of 3, actually. Finally, it occurred to me that I was in my very much alone apt. all by myself. Went and got in bed.The end.

So, like I needed another reason not to take this crazy-***** drug. So weird. I have a neurosurgery pal who took it on a flight from NYC to LAX. He ended up somehow in a hotel in Scottsdale with someone he had never seen before. Ambien.

Got 7 nice hours before Albert started licking my cheeks and nose. Very, very tickly. I am the 3rd most ticklish man in America, guar-on-tee.

Feeling hopeful I can edit today a fair bit. Need to do at least 50 pages to push ahead on this Code Green project. Still trying for on shelves and Kindle by Christmas time. Thing I can do it still.

Turned on a 3 or so year-old Paul Wlaker movie, God rest his soul, about a guy who ends up in a big psych hoospital. Once they moved from the courtroom scenes in Dallas to the hospital, where should they be but---you guessed it! The Oregon State Hospital!! The old Kirkbride building was built in 1888 an is quite spectaculr, so, some very lovely pics. They even filmed one scene in the law library. Memories... was there a very long time. Decent moive. The Lazarus effect. Tragically, the main character discovers one of my longtime delsuins'terrors, namely, hidden cameras inside his walls in the hospital. Not aa productive story line for my psychosis history of surveillance terror. Oh well. I was fine. i was fine. I try to remind myself that, in all the years I have felt this way, noone has ever found a camera in any of my walls.

Hope everyone is okay. Hugs and love to all!!!!!!!!!!!1

I always dislike when I have way too many things to do in the morning. It is not my time of day. Busy mornings seem to be much more common with my husband working from home. I believe my evening medications, particularly the Seroquel XR, still sedate me a bit until maybe 12 noon. The sedation is not a painful kind of tired. No. It's just sedating enough to not allow me to easily haul butt and manage multiple things simultaneously. I then really ramp up as the day goes on, even to a negative degree (what would seem like hypomanic behavior). Then about an hour or two after I take my evening meds, the sedation comes back and I sleep well.

Since my husband started working from home because of the pandemic, my daily routine hours have shifted a bit. I'm preparing dinner earlier and earlier, and therefore taking my evening medications earlier. Sometimes I fall asleep as early as 8:30 pm, and other times I try to keep myself up until 10 pm. I have been waking up as early as 4 and 4:30 am, but then fall back to sleep a bit. Lately the second awakening has been later and later. Breakfast is at 7:30 to 8 am when it used to be 6:45 am. I can't speak for others in a similar situation, but I think it will be quite an adjustment when my husband returns to the office. He'll miss being able to literally roll out of bed and start working. He'll definitely miss being able to work in what he calls his "lounge outfits". Sometimes these outfits are hard to distinguish between pajama shorts outfits. Also, the fact that my legs are often smoother than his face, nowadays, is a real change.

Ah, yes, COVID attire.welp. I am in cycling garb 24/7. It is comfy and easy and decent enough that when I get the mail, noone glares. I saw tons and tons of women, especially, in sweats, yesterday, baggy, cozy sweats. Here, most women under the age of 50ish I see at the grocery or pharmacy are dressing like extremely hungover freshmen at the Univeristy of Oregon or Alabama at 1130 AM on a sleepy Sunday in November. I love it.

This far north, sleep can be challenging this time of year. First light is well before 0500 and las light, well aftyer 915 or so. Birds start singing at 4. Have to be careful of curtains and stuff if you are sensitive to light, as I am. I tend to wake up at first ight. Once i see it, zillions of years of my old hosptial job kick in...

Hugs!!!!!!

I feel ok today. Not as good as the weekend but not as terrible as last week. I took 2 one mile walks this morning. I haven’t gone to the store since last Wednesday and I don’t really have any plans to go to the store. If I get anxious and feel like going out I’ll just go to a drive thru. It’s just been a combination of agoraphobia and fear of getting the virus and also not really needing anything. Like groceries. And the stuff I want I can only find online.