I work at my boyfriend's family's farm. I had last week off to get myself in order and I went back to work Sunday. Sunday and yesterday went okay, but today they had me on the phone and I had a panic attack so they told me to quit early. I called my therapist a couple hours ago and she's really concerned. TW: My self harming has gotten more, ummm, extensive these past few days. I didn't tell my therapist, but I've also been having graphic urges and images of me killing myself. I was afraid she'd send me to the hospital since I'm having a hard time working and having these thoughts. End TW

My relationship with my bf isn't going to well either. He and his family don't understand my mood swings and behavior. If he finds out about the cutting, he's going to end it. He probably should His family would like someone who can consistently work too. Should I leave him? I don't want to be the bother I am.

Does anybody know any meds that are good specifically for ultradian cycling? This is really wearing on me, and I'm getting sick of the healthy ways to cope my therapist taught me. I was a mess of self harm, drug use, and all sorts of impulsive, self-destructive behaviors before her and I kinda feel like screw it, go back to the "real" me.

I guess I'm just getting tired. Few hours up, few hours screaming into a pillow, few hours crying wishing I was dead, take another Klonopin for sleep, and pretty much repeat. Every day for the past ten years

By the way, is there any way to use these smilies that come up to the right in all posts? The box only comes up when I'm typing up a new thread.

Sorry for the bummer post. I hope all is well for you

[bpcyclist]

You should immediately tell your team about the SI. Don't do it. Tried twice. I can assure you, it is not the answer.

Are you currently sober?

Clozaril has shown promise for ultradian folks.

Do you need to call a crisis line or go to the ER?

Hugs!! Stay safe!

[Soupe du jour]

Hello pineperson. Please do stay safe. As bpcyclist wrote, hurting (or worse) yourself is not worth it. It is not the solution. You must continue to fight your illness because you deserve to live life. We want you here very much.

I'm sorry that your boyfriend and his family don't seem to understand. We here do. Your doctor/therapist does and do call them immediately today and let them know you need their help. Don't worry about your boyfriend and his family right now. Take care of yourself in the kindest way possible.

I do not have a lot of experience with ultraradian cycling, but I do with mixed features (mixed episodes). They can sure be similar in some ways. For me, medications like Tegretol XR, Seroquel XR, and Zyprexa were particularly helpful. Seroquel XR and Tegretol XR are still in my medication cocktail. I happen to need both. I also take a small dose of Lamictal, which is good as a reinforcement in curbing depression, for me. I have heard that Depakote can be very good, but it wasn't a favorite of mine. Some others like it, though. Hopefully, your psychiatrist will find a better medication (or mix) for you soon.

If you respond to a post within a thread, clicking the green "Go Advanced" under the reply box offers the most formating options (and smileys). You can click that first, even before typing, then start typing in the box that shows. Or type in the Quick reply, then click "Go Advanced". Either way.

Thank you two. I have been clean and sober for three years now, it's just those urges are coming back along with urges to do all sorts of other things. I've decided I'm packing a bag and heading for the woods to get in touch with my higher power. I did this when I was homeless and was just getting clean. I stayed up all night making this plan. If things get too bad, and I start wishing I stole my bf's gun, I'll come back and get in touch with my treatment team. I already left a message for the two of them about an hour ago. I have a plan for the next week, and after then I'm playing it by ear.
Much love,
Pineperson

[Soupe du jour]

Your plan to enjoy nature sounds lovely. Please be safe. We look forward to hearing from you here as soon as you are able. I am glad you called your mental healthcare providers.

Your presence here on PC is valuable to us. I am happy to be of support to you.

I see you're from Vermont? My husband and I really love Vermont. The nature there is indeed beautiful.

[bpcyclist]

Be careful! Hugs!

[sarahsweets]

Personally I feel that you need more help than your current team offers- but if you are not up front about whats going on they cant help you any better. Do you think you need more care than you are getting? It is not about losing your job or relationship, it is about your safety and wellbeing. I personally do not feel going off alone is in your best interest right now.