Bipolar Check-In #49

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 RS was very upset today and I finally got him to talk after much coaxing. He’s just feeling disappointed with some things involving work and finances. I was afraid it was me. I kinda told him just a little bit about why I’ve been so upset and unable to sleep, but I still feel quite embarrassed and ashamed. But I watched an episode of 600 lb life that kinda put things in perspective. I really just need to repeat to myself “it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t my fault” until I believe it. Hard, but doable, I think. I’ve been increasingly hungry and wanting to snack. I believe it’s hormones. I still am on track to settle at a one pound loss, which is good. I am still thinking about SI and SH A LOT. I really, really wish I could SH. I’m thinking of maybe going to get an ear piercing I’ve always wanted. Just to take my mind off things and kind of do something for myself. I’ve taken out most of my piercing because they are not professional. I’ve even taken out my gushes as I keep losing plugs and having to replace them. I was sick of it. But I could def get away with a non obvious not traditional piercing In my ear. I have to give up my blue hair when the summer ends.

I think an ear piercing is a terrific idea! I've had piercings and tattoos done when I was feeling stuck in a destructive cycle and it always helps. I believe, for one thing, that the mild pain produces endorphins that shake us out of our destructive mind set.

Out of no where, paranoia. It started with a bottle of hair "glosser" that cost 17$ and didn't do anything but dry my hair out. Like, dehydrated it. We haven't had any open salons here for a month and I doubt any will be open any time soon. So I've been (like many people) playing around with my hair.

So I decided to toss the bottle of crap hair stuff in the bin. But the hair stuff is in a container in my bathroom straight in a line to my head when I'm lying in bed. The thought came to me that there is a demon(s) inside the bottle, angry because they will be tossed out.

That led to my thoughts of a couple of weeks ago that my therapist was held hostage by Nazis while she was out sick. I know it's ridiculous, yet I cannot let go of the idea. It's extremely disturbing.

When we have our appointment tomorrow I will straight up ask her.

Then the tall man with very dark hair returned to my apartment. He just stands in my bedroom and stares out the window. He's not particularly sinister, just present.

No idea why this stuff started up so suddenly. Seriously, when this happens it feels like a typer of seizure that suddenly strikes.

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She sounds like a royal pain in the azz. Clueless.

she is but she's the best I've had in the past 6 years. We'll see how she proceeds now. H says she's slow but will get there. This whole over the phone thing isn't working for me but at least it's 1x a week vs every 2 weeks. I think being smart and having cognitive issues doesn't connect with her view of MI. We'll see. H says I am doing better then years ago, So that's good to know. She thinks this can go badly but I'm determined to stay out of the hospital. I have no idea what she wrote or what pdoc is going to say. Hopefully it works out.

I have my shopping order to look forward to today, but that is about it

I should probably get someone out to have a look at my leaking sink,but not today. I honestly can't be bothered.

I'm just realising now how I'm really struggling with med compliance.
I want to take them I do, I know they help, I admit they make me into functional and acceptable adult. Or some form of one...

I know my daughter prefers me medicated (She's a huge motivator for my MH and wellbeing) and still... Days go by before I realize I skipped quite a few doses.

I have alarms set, but I always have a reason as to why I'm taking them later, and then I look at the clock and it's 3am and I missed the night dosages...

I feel like I need to be held accountable. But to whom and isn't that just stupid, needing someone to micromanage me?
I'm 36 for Pete's sake!

I feel like like I'm failing at something so pivotal and so simple.

Thinking I should tell Parker at my appointment next week.
I haven't been brutally honest about how bad it's gotten.

Came back from a week of caring for my mother who fractured her ankle in two places from a fall. Problem is, she also has MS so her other leg is too weak to help her transfer to her wheelchair. So she's bedridden.

I've barely slept for a week. She had me up like a yo-yo ever 2-4 minutes doing stuff for her (LITERALLY, I am not exaggerating). Up and down during the ngiht. She could be very abusive. I was also sometimes very cranky due to lack of sleep and her lack of boundaries, which is legend.

I still haven't slept much because she called and woke me up last night after I had fallen asleep, and then called and woke me up early this morning.

I finally got 24/7 care set up for her. I was there when her first caregiver arrived. Turned out she spoke and understood very very little English. they couldn't understand each other. It took a while, but I got her someone else. I just called and she said she got a new person and she likes her.

Now that she has care, I want out of her life. It was hell. Hell. Hell.

No self care

No time to myself

as I said, she could be very abusive. Not surprising given her history and persoanlity (ditto lack of boundaries).

My brother refuses to help.

I hope I can pick myself up from this crater.

I have therapy this morning. I missed last week because I was with my mother. I hope it helps. I'm so asleep, my mind is mush, I don't know if it will help, but I hope so.

Thanks for reading.

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Originally Posted by Gabyunbound Came back from a week of caring for my mother ...

I was my mom's caregiver for years. She was also completely self-centered. I really feel for you

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Originally Posted by Miguel'smom ...I think being smart and having cognitive issues doesn't connect with her view of MI. We'll see. ...

That can be a big problem, and even an obstacle to good care. When the "executive personality" is smart and strong, and has self-awareness, many mental health providers are confused.

Hi all,

Feeling very nauseous and disoriented today.

My doc started me on Naltrexone about two months ago. This was administered to help curb my addictions, to sugar and alcohol.

It worked like a charm for the first 6 weeks. I was waking up at 6am each day, refreshed, and enthusiastic about taking on the day. I'd get up, sit outside for a half hour, drink morning coffee and read a variety of books (some motivational / self help, some history). This was because I refrained from my usual nightly routine of downing 3-4 gin and tonics, and wharfing down 4 cookies / .5 pint of Ben & Jerry's. Also, I reduced my reading of news b/c all I read was negative - COVID-19, racial unrest, Trump still being president, etc.

About two weeks ago it felt like everything came to a crashing halt. I started sliding back into having 4-5 cookies (although abstinence from alcohol has been fairly easy). And now, I do get up, but when I get to my desk to do work I am very disinterested, and it takes me a long time to get in the groove.

I've gone through this many times in the past, although it was far more extreme. I'd go about six months of a manic episode, with unbridled creativity and boundless energy. Then, I'd either crash, or get disheartened after a family member / colleage would make an idle disparaging comment.

My plan is the following:
- Wake up every morning no later than 6:30am. Continue association of this habit with pleasure. Helps me get a jump on the day, to get my bearings and "feed my head."
- Stick with Naltrexone. Focus on how far it's helped me come in 6 weeks. For most of my life, alcohol and sugar were my go-to avenues for self-medication
- Continue abstinence from sugar. This is from associating consumption with pain.
- Continue abstinence from alcohol. Honestly, the smell / taste of red wine or gin (my "poison" of choice) makes me ill. I'll maybe have a glass of wine with dinner on the weekends, but stop after 1.
- Continue self-affirmations, and remind myself of the progress.

Ok back to the grind. Thanks for being a good sounding board. Hope this helps some of you; feel free to weigh in as you see fit.

Have an extraordinary day!

I'm glad to read that you finally found decent care for your mother. You do need to take proper care of yourself, too. My family can relate to the situation you describe. It's hard, but I truly agree that: you must step away if your health is suffering.

Well Latuda put me into Akathesia hell so I'm dumping that garbage, no more. EVER !

In other news Steve has been working on building a additional wall support to hang the tankless water heater from. Then he can determine The piping he needs to get it all hooked up and light it up ~

This is a job 5 years ago he could have it done in a day.. Our lives have changed so much.

I got his Sleep study for the 26th, must get Covid test on 21st. and we have appt with Dietitian on the 18th

I havent had time to paint due to akathesia so that annoys me, but if I try ill make a mess of it.. So Xanax , Lamictal and Doxepin will be it !

Hugs everyone~

Your plan sounds great, dsmith. So is your accomplish thus far. I'm very glad to read that you have not picked up the alcohol again. It sounds like the naltrexone has helped so much with that.

Have you let your therapist and psychiatrist know about your change in mood? I'm not sure naltrexone is of much help with that. I assume you take some bipolar medication(s), too? Please don't be too hard on yourself about the slip with the cookies. Just get back to the plan immediately. Please seek the support to do so.

I don't blame you for stopping a medication that causes akathisia. That was one of the most horrible side effects I had. Definitely no need for it, unless it's some wonder drug. I've read others write that they got akathisia from Latuda. I took Latuda for a while, but at a very low dose. It wasn't my med either.

I'm still happy to read that Steve is doing much better than he was. It's a relief to read that he's doing chores/projects rather than suffering in bed.

So sorry, Beth. Did you tell the pdoc? Sounds like an adjustment may be needed.

Hugs.

You are doing great, dsmith. I was on naltrexone for yrs. It certainly worked, though I did get psychotic on on it. Worst psychosis ever.

I would only add that if you have trouble staying at one glass of wine, the alcohol issue is likely more serious than you are lending it.

Hugs!!!

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Originally Posted by dsmith .... I'll maybe have a glass of wine with dinner on the weekends, but stop after 1. - Continue self-affirmations, and remind myself of the progress. Ok back to the grind. Thanks for being a good sounding board. Hope this helps some of you; feel free to weigh in as you see fit. Have an extraordinary day!

Hi dsmith, The plan sounds excellent. But why the wine? It seems it would be easier to completely cut all alcohol out. And the wine is sugar, too.

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Originally Posted by bpcyclist So sorry, Beth. Did you tell the pdoc? Sounds like an adjustment may be needed. Hugs.

Thank you, bpc

I usually see my pdoc once/week, but she's on vacation this week. If this paranoia keeps on I'll talk with her at our appointment on Tuesday.

Yeah, that's it. Sorry about the spelling.

I'll do the 25 mg for two weeks and stop afterwards. I need my sleep, even if disturbed.

Okay, well, hugs.

Just ran 6 and a-half miles. Yay! Super slow but do not care. Just trying for happy chemicals. It is working hooray! So proud of me for trying so hard to help myself. One thing I am not is a giver upper.

Hugs.