[Moose72]

I saw my actual psychiatrist today. Had been since April. So I told her all that's been going on this week and the past couple months, really. We talked for an hour. FINALLY somebody listened to me! For a YEAR I've been thinking to myself that really I am not depressed I am bipolar. They had me down as "bipolar uncertain" or whatever it was. Now it is "Bipolar I with mixed episodes". For whatever that is worth. I am both relieved to finally have a diagnosis and frustrated because BF sent me a link saying maybe I just have magnesium deficiency!! I asked her if could be PMS, and she said hormones play a roll in mood, but wouldn't account for the things I've told her alone. She was very nice and listened and was concise at the same time. Didn't sit and say "I really don't think you are bipolar because such and such person I know is and you don't act like them"! Ugh. I've heard that and I hate it. My social worker said that to me recently!! Its like, you feel one way, you read about it, all the lights click on "I am this!" and yet people say you aren't. Its like a cat living in a dog world. All the dogs say "You have four legs, four paws, a tail, two ears, whiskers... You are a dog." And the cat is saying "But I think I am a cat... I read how other cats feel and I think I am different...." and the dogs just say "You enjoy dog food. You talk differently, but that's okay. You are dog." She prescribed me Abilify in addition to my Depakote. She said my blood levels last few times they were taken indicated I hadn't been taking the Depakote! The number was 4 and should've been 50-100! I said "I may forget- and I did forget a couple days in a row this week- but I do take it." She said maybe it isn't working anymore so she'll add this and see- and if it doesn't work, try upping the other. I told her I'd seen people and things that then weren't there. People, buses (like this morning).... heard voices. Nothing scary. But all signs of bipolar I. I'd seen triangles in the sky back in 1999 or 2000- convinced aliens must be here. Asked my then-husband if he'd heard anything on the news?? I rubbed my eyes and looked away and they weren't anywhere but in the sky. And what year is it now? See how frustrating this is?

So what I want now is for my boyfriend (and others) to understand and at least not downplay things. I dunno- I think my mother will just say "Oh yeah. Well, I have x that is worse". Ugh. So no point in that. I told BF I felt ashamed. He said not to think that way. But it is for LIKING being manic- even though eventually it feels rotten. He told me that this is not who I am that I am still me. I said that makes sense: I don't go around saying "I am ileitis", or as my friend, Susan, said, "I am hemorrhoids!" We had a good laugh over that one! :-)

Anyway, my friends, Its been a day! To top it off, my insurance almost refused to pay for my new med! Over 300 bucks! Whew!