[Moose72]

Daonnachd, sorry you feel like youre slipping down already. I hope it is something lesser!

Im drinking a Sam Adams Octoberfest beer. It doesn't break my diet but I shouldn't drink too much- my liver issues. Having one every few weeks or months shouldn't hurt. I will keep them and have one every so often throughout the Fall. If Caleb will have one, we can have a couple between the two of us in a couple weeks when he's here visiting. It's tasty. I don't really like beer but I like this one. Anyway.... I'm just thinking about drinking because my dad is an alcoholic and has been since I was 13 or even younger. I don't want to turn out like he did in terms of drinking.

I'm feeling better than when i last posted on Saturday night

Possible trigger:

when i was suicidal and thinking of methods.

My dog and i are getting along again. I went out to the mall for coffee. It was good to get out. Today was the one year anniversary of our subway. I was flying high this time last year, overjoyed with excitement. No sign of it this year. I've been depressed for eleven months except for a brief boost in the Spring. COVID, i guess. No place to go, nothing to do. The noise from the building balcony repairs was deafening today, jackhammers going off on two sides of the building, reverberating thru the whole concrete structure. It's cold here in Ontario, going down to zero tonight. Zero Celsius is the point at which water freezes.

Hugs to all who struggle, especially those effected by the wildfires or under threat of hurricane.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I mean, the mother says it’s because he’s been medicated since he was five and she wants to see who he truly is and get a thorough evaluation, which I understand. But still. I know from experience that the right medication can change your life. It’s unnecessary to suffer for so long. I hope the eval comes soon and he can be started on something, anything to start to take his pain away.

I hope he's evaluated soon, too.

To me, to deprive someone of needed medication is the same as torture. When I was growing up I was severely depressed and anxious, no one would have taken me to get a psych eval because of the secrets they were hiding in the family. I vowed never to do that to my own children. My daughter had crippling anxiety & we opted to put her on meds when she was 11. It gave her a life. I would watch her and think, wow...if I had been on meds when I was a kid my life would have not been so hard.

When my mother dies everything goes straight in the trash. There is absolutely nothing there that is of any sentimental value to my brother and I. Our childhood was miserable. I don’t want to be reminded of it in any way, and I’m sure my brother feels the same. A few years ago I went through all the physical photos (don’t know where those have ended up) and salvaged all the ones of my father and my brother. I put them in a collage frame as a gift for him. I know it means a lot to him. My nana had boxes upon boxes of photos that my cousin is currently digitizing and then he will pass them out to the appropriate family members. I will pass all the ones of our father onto my brother, and probably just stick the rest in a box somewhere for My son when he’s older. I don’t want to look at them at all. They hold no joy.

I'm sorry, wfc. I know where you stand...I've been in that place. It was very painful. You certainly have my support.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

.....

BIG hugs to you, whatever

[Innerzone]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

My mom is just...I just can’t with her. I offered to help her donate her books, but no, she “has to go through them”. And she’s still buying ****! No point In cleaning out if she’s just going to build her hoard again. She seems to be on the verge of a mental breakdown, but honestly I can’t remember a time when she wasn’t! It’s always something, and she refuses to get any help.

Originally Posted by BethRags

My mother was a hoarder, too. For my entire life I heard those words: I have to go through them. My entire life, besides her severe and untreated mental illness I had to deal with her obsession with her boxes of stuff she "had to go through."

Well, when she died she left towers of boxes of crap she never "went through." And my sisters and I threw it all out or donated it. Sad.

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

When my mother dies everything goes straight in the trash.

Right there with ya, wfc and BethRags. It's ridiculous. "Have to go through"? Boy, those are words I heard far too many times as well. She's 81 now and I dread having to deal with all that CRAP. But I told my sister I would help when the time came (especially as my sister's been dealing with her, and I've not spoken to my mother in a decade). Going to have to get one of those huge dumpsters. Probably that won't even do it.

Went to work today. Kept the door locked except for appointments so as to have more control over the smoke coming in the door.

Things are going alright. I do think I'm dealing with a low grade depression as I just don't care about doing much. There's no denying that covid and the smoke are not helping matters. "Collective consciousness of despair" I think you called it BethRags. Good description. Everything just feels like such an endurance contest. It's just so wearing.

Hugs, my peeps!

[Moose72]

Pdoc had a cancellation so she's calling to check up on me this Thursday. I wish I were moved already. My mom was going to go with me to Ikea but I saw a facebook post that said they hadn't been able to contact Ikea at all- not by phone or internet. Nobody has tried to go there as far as I know.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I read that as "size of a Cheeto" - did a double take!

Has Oregon been in drought mode? We had yet another winter of drastically scarce rain. Hoping and praying for some rain to round out this bizarre year.

Did not have a typo for twenty-five yrs hardly. Hundreds of papers and books and lectures. Now, cannot write two lines without three typos.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

...
I know I just got ECT but I feel like I'm trending slowly downwards.

Really, all I have not done is ECT and Clozaril. But have had generalized szrs. Give it some time, D.

Hugs.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I mean, the mother says it’s because he’s been medicated since he was five and she wants to see who he truly is and get a thorough evaluation, which I understand. But still. I know from experience that the right medication can change your life. It’s unnecessary to suffer for so long. I hope the eval comes soon and he can be started on something, anything to start to take his pain away.

When my mother dies everything goes straight in the trash. There is absolutely nothing there that is of any sentimental value to my brother and I. Our childhood was miserable. I don’t want to be reminded of it in any way, and I’m sure my brother feels the same. A few years ago I went through all the physical photos (don’t know where those have ended up) and salvaged all the ones of my father and my brother. I put them in a collage frame as a gift for him. I know it means a lot to him. My nana had boxes upon boxes of photos that my cousin is currently digitizing and then he will pass them out to the appropriate family members. I will pass all the ones of our father onto my brother, and probably just stick the rest in a box somewhere for My son when he’s older. I don’t want to look at them at all. They hold no joy.

Your insight and its thoughtful application in you caring for you is an inspiration, wfc. So impressed. What a model for me.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Did not have a typo for twenty-five yrs hardly. Hundreds of papers and books and lectures. Now, cannot write two lines without three typos.

No, no - it wasn't your typo! You wrote "cheetah" - I read it as "cheeto"

btw, how's the sleep situation going with Albert (that's kit's name, correct)?

[Fuzzybear]

I had to turn my fan on today because of the heat outside, it realyl works, too: I underestimate the power of the fan.. it's actually really powerful (mine
is, and I've had it over 10 years, still going strong!)
nada in the skedule. absolute nada

(I am running out of stuff to put in these type of threads, my life is so dull!)

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

I had to turn my fan on today because of the heat outside, it realyl works, too: I underestimate the power of the fan.. it's actually really powerful (mine
is, and I've had it over 10 years, still going strong!)
nada in the schedule. absolute nada

(I am running out of stuff to put in these type of threads, my life is so dull!)

How about those new pain approaches you may be ecploring...

[bpcyclist]

Little run of extraordinarily rare kinda euthymia continues. So grateful. Working on novel and getting guitars ready to play. Bizarre. Don't look a gift horse in the situation...

[Mountaindewed]

I feel less anxious then yesterday. Moods are so so. More under the weather physically then yesterday. It’s because of the 2 shots including the flu shot. I’m just hanging out in bed right now. I have an intense craving for spaghettios. I’ve been looking over my food log and I have been eating like an 8 year old boy. The past week I’ve been eating a lot of chicken nuggets, pizza, spaghettios and hotdogs. My therapist probably won’t really give me a hard time because she knows my diet is an ASD quirk but she’ll probably say something about water intake or make some comment about protein. I’m not really mad at her I just am kinda confused about some things.

[*Beth*]

I'm doing well so far today. I'm excited because I bought a smallish weaving loom and wool roving, sari silk, hemp cord and I'm finally going to give weaving a try. I've been wanting to do it for many years.

I had a true nightmare last night that my oldest sister was discovered eating tiny babies. My other sister (she died almost 3 years ago and I miss her terribly) and I were having to come to terms with our sister being a cannibal. Someone came and put her in restraints so she couldn't eat the babies anymore. She was outraged, and fighting hard to get out of the restraints.

What a bizarre dream! My oldest sister has 4 children, she and her husband are excellent parents, and she adores babies.She's also not an aggressive person, at all. I don't know where the heck my mind pulled all that stuff from. It was such a bad dream, I can't seem to shake it. So I'll put the energy into my weaving project.

[Soupe du jour]

It's been a ride during my vacation/area exploration. It started well in Paris, then I was agitated in Barcelona and the first day in southern France. Then my extra Seroquel XR created the "cool jazz" effect, while Hubby became irritable and ranting. Today he declared out of nowhere that maybe we should retire permanently in Czech Republic. Oh my! I responded that just because the area in France where we're at now doesn't rock our boats, it doesn't mean all of France wouldn't. We'll have plenty of time to explore other areas in the future. What was "great climate" to Hubby just days ago, became too darned hot today, officially. I must agree. I'd rather have some snow in the winter than sweat too many months of the year. France is a large country with a varied environment. We'll see.

I found it rather strange that I've spoken a lot more French than my husband, during our visit. Hubby studied 9 years vs. my 5, but my studies were a bit more recent. Obviously in Czech Republic, he'll do most of the talking since Czech is his native language. When we live there, he will need to update some vocabulary. His is from the 1980s and before. A lot of new words and phrases have sprung up since then, like in every country. His nephew jokes that my hubby speaks Czech with an accent. A few times, stranger Czechs have complimented my hubby on how good his Czech is (assuming it's his second and not first language). My Czech? Basically I speak broken "animal Czech", meaning the language a person uses to talk to a pet bird. Lol!

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'm doing well so far today. I'm excited because I bought a smallish weaving loom and wool roving, sari silk, hemp cord and I'm finally going to give weaving a try. I've been wanting to do it for many years.

I had a true nightmare last night that my oldest sister was discovered eating tiny babies. My other sister (she died almost 3 years ago and I miss her terribly) and I were having to come to terms with our sister being a cannibal. Someone came and put her in restraints so she couldn't eat the babies anymore. She was outraged, and fighting hard to get out of the restraints.

What a bizarre dream! My oldest sister has 4 children, she and her husband are excellent parents, and she adores babies.She's also not an aggressive person, at all. I don't know where the heck my mind pulled all that stuff from. It was such a bad dream, I can't seem to shake it. So I'll put the energy into my weaving project.

Sorry, Beth. I think the dream people are working overtime right now...

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

It's been a ride during my vacation/area exploration. It started well in Paris, then I was agitated in Barcelona and the first day in southern France. Then my extra Seroquel XR created the "cool jazz" effect, while Hubby became irritable and ranting. Today he declared out of nowhere that maybe we should retire permanently in Czech Republic. Oh my! I responded that just because the area in France where we're at now doesn't rock our boats, it doesn't mean all of France wouldn't. We'll have plenty of time to explore other areas in the future. What was "great climate" to Hubby just days ago, became too darned hot today, officially. I must agree. I'd rather have some snow in the winter than sweat too many months of the year. France is a large country with a varied environment. We'll see.

I found it rather strange that I've spoken a lot more French than my husband, during our visit. Hubby studied 9 years vs. my 5, but my studies were a bit more recent. Obviously in Czech Republic, he'll do most of the talking sincnow...my formative French teacher was from Hamburg. The French always think I am German... is his native language. When we live there, he will need to update some vocabulary. His is from the 1980s and before. A lot of new words and phrases have sprung up since then, like in every country. His nephew jokes that my hubby speaks Czech with an accent. A few times, stranger Czechs have complimented my hubby on how good his Czech is (assuming it's his second and not first language). My Czech? Basically I speak broken "animal Czech", meaning the language a person uses to talk to a pet bird. Lol!

My formative French teacher was from Hamburg. The French always think I am German.

[Mountaindewed]

Now the nausea is really hitting and I am out of commission and in bed. It’s for sure the flu shot. It’s this specific type of nausea I only get with shots. Still worth having a day of being sick then dying of the flu in January. Who knows how bad it could get this year.