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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
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#1
I have friends, also my husband, who use me as their therapist. They want to dump their problems on me. None of these people ever ask how I'm doing. I don't disclose or ask for anyone to listen to me because I don't want to. I have my therapist, my pdoc, and this forum for that.
When I was younger I allowed myself to be an unconditionally reliable friend. I was "there" for everyone in my life, there to listen, caretake, I was "mommy" for anyone who needed one. Over the past 2 years I have learned that my caretaking behavior is unhealthy for me. I no longer want to be in one-sided relationship, me always being the giver. I don't want to disengage when these people have already started dumping on me; I want to prevent it. The friends I have in mind, including my husband, seriously need professional mental health care, but won't get it. They're lazy to "do the work." I struggle to keep my sanity and I work hard at doing so. Anyone? Suggestions for tools to use to send out the message that I am not available as a free therapist or an unconditionally loving mommy? __________________ |
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daladico, Fuzzybear, lightly toasted, RoxanneToto, Soupe du jour
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daladico, Fuzzybear, lightly toasted, RoxanneToto, Soupe du jour
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ɘvlovƎ
Member Since Nov 2013
Location: Australia
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#2
Boundaries.
Boundaries. Boundaries. It’s something I struggle with too. I hate the saying you can’t help those who can’t help themselves but sometimes in some instances it is true. |
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*Beth*, daladico, Fuzzybear, Soupe du jour
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*Beth*, BipolaRNurse, daladico, RoxanneToto, Soupe du jour
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
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#3
Thank you, CH.
Sometimes it is true. Many times it is. My husband has severe OCD (which is why we no longer live together; he hoards...no room for me in his house). He flatly refuses meds, and encourages me to stop taking them. No support there so I don't even try. The two friends...one is so depressed. She's a good soul, but calls me drunk and crying. I fairly beg her to see her doctor and ask for an AD. I suspect she wants to hide her drinking, so won't see her doc. The next friend has severe mental illness. On and off meds. On meds, she's tolerable. Off meds, forget it. Negative, cloying, I don't want it. I have complete respect and tolerance for someone who is in treatment. I'm very happy to be there for her/him. It's the needy people who refuse treatment that I have no energy in my life for. Boundaries, yes. And I guess I have to shore myself up and say something like, "I'm so sorry you're feeling down right now, but I have an appointment I have to get to. Remember to breathe and maybe take a walk." It's reeeally hard for me, but I think it's the only way to extricate myself. __________________ |
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Crazy Hitch
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Elder
Member Since Jun 2015
Location: Czechia
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#4
Hi BethRags. One idea, which I realize is not everyone's cup of tea, would be to sit in on an open Al-Anon group meeting, or two. Yes, I know that you did not specifically label everyone you reference as an alcoholic or addict, but it sounds like some of the behaviors are quite similar. Perhaps the one friend that calls "drunk" does specifically fit the category? Believe me when I say that many people attend 12-Step programs, like AA or Al-Anon, even when substance addiction is not specifically an issue. Though such "silent/quiet visitors" don't usually talk about non-alcohol/substance issues there, they can still sometimes learn something. In AA, they say "Take what you want, and leave the rest." Common issues discussed in Al-Anon are enabling, being taken advantage of or overwhelmed by others' problems, dealing with someone who won't seek proper help/treatment, and most importantly... as a friend/family member of an addict or ill person, learning to be empowered to take care of yourself first and say "no", which is difficult to do, at times. I suppose most Al-Anon meetings are online, during the pandemic. That may be good for many people who otherwise wouldn't want to (or be able to) go in-person.
As an aside, my last remaining paternal uncle's wife is a hoarder. Like your arrangement with your husband, my uncle has his own digs. He is a horse saddle craftsman, so built an apartment over his craft shop. He lives there and not with his wife, though his digs are nearby her living place. It seems to work out fine for them. They are otherwise happily married, I think. They've been together for at least 40 years. |
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*Beth*, Fuzzybear
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*Beth*, Fuzzybear
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
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#5
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I love your idea! Never even occurred to me to view the situation as me being an enabler or codependent. __________________ |
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Fuzzybear, Soupe du jour
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
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#6
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I used to have a ''friend'' who sounds somewhat like the second friend you describe. She was on and off meds, (rinse and repeat), had a severe mental illness, would not stick to therapy although it was offered, and I finally realised that she was ''on transmit only''.... I spent hours (for years) listening to her and giving support, comfort and thought out advice. I did not tell her how I was ''getting on''.. Eventually, after years, she stopped phoning me. Maybe she found another friend to dump on? Sometimes the needy people come in other disguises, like the person who always has to be ''right'' and judging others, passive aggressive, feels superior yet is deeply insecure, violating known (and obvious) boundaries repeatedly, sneaky and requiring endless significance (endless attention) This is similar to my Paternal Unit also Sometimes I am tempted to show that person my teeth (not anyone here) I wonder why we both have these people in our lives (or have had them) Boundaries. I'm working on these too. __________________ |
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*Beth*, Soupe du jour
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*Beth*
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
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#7
Quote:
Oh, Fuzzy...you have worded your experiences so well. I also had a mother who I parented because she never matured enough to cope with adult life. My husband is very much like my mother was. I suspect that because we are empathetic people we are easily used by bears who not only don't want to share their salmon, but want our salmon, too __________________ |
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Fuzzybear
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Fuzzybear
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Member Since Oct 2020
Location: VA
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#8
I totally identify! I find I'm playing therapist to multiple people because I am a good listener. People who are needy thrive on good listeners. I've been trying to wean myself from this behavior. My initial reaction was to drop all of these kinds of friendships. My therapist gave me a good tool which seems to be working. It is a form of setting boundaries, which seems to be a theme here. Whenever someone tries to go down the "poor me, please listen" route, I change the topic of the conversation and ask them about something other in there lives that is positive. For instance "how did you get into the field you are in? You seem to love it" or "have you always been interested in what you are doing (hobby, job, marriage, etc.)?" These people like to talk so much about themselves that I am finding they aren't even aware that I changed to topic. Once they are launched on a positive conversational path, it is much easier for me to say "whoops! gotta go, I have an appointment" or some such excuse. This is a method to extricate yourself from the conversation in a positive manner.
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*Beth*
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*Beth*
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#9
..just to clarify, the point is to steer them towards something positive, however you think you can do that....
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*Beth*
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*Beth*
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Member Since Oct 2020
Location: VA
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#10
Sorry! I missed the most important part! They are addicted to their state of being, just as an alcoholic is. Nothing you or I can say will change this. They suck up your time and energy. Thus, getting yourself out of the conversation is the best thing you can do for yourself. After a while they get the hint that you are no longer a bottomless well of non-professional therapeutic help.
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*Beth*
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*Beth*
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
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#11
Quote:
Your therapist's suggestion is excellent! Thank you for sharing it! Bringing the conversation to a positive topic is better for everyone when the dialogue is headed into the realm of "Poor me, I'm always a helpless victim and you're the only person who can help me." I'm actually looking forward to trying that out. __________________ |
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
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#12
Quote:
It's the "friends" who never contact me except when they need to vent and blow their problems (which are often the same issue, rinse, repeat and that issue can go on for years!) Maybe the people I'm referring to are sometimes called "energy vampires." This...exactly: ...no longer a bottomless well of non-professional therapeutic help. Thank you wolftrap - and good for you, too, for learning to set healthy boundaries to take good care of yourself. __________________ Last edited by *Beth*; Nov 05, 2020 at 06:15 PM.. |
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