[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Bipolarchic14

Anyone know a truly anonymous crisis line?

I wish I did, I don't trust any of them because so many people say they'll send the cops to your home.

Are you safe?

[Bipolarchic14]

I am right now. I have been teetering a little. Last night was not good but when I speak to my therapist or psychiatrist, their solution is to put me in a hospital. The hospital is not helpful and I don’t wanna go I would far rather die than go back there literally die before going back. I really don’t want to talk with friends and family because really can’t help and it just puts undo stress on them.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Bipolarchic14

I am right now. I have been teetering a little. Last night was not good but when I speak to my therapist or psychiatrist, their solution is to put me in a hospital. The hospital is not helpful and I don’t wanna go I would far rather die than go back there literally die before going back. I really don’t want to talk with friends and family because really can’t help and it just puts undo stress on them.

I fully understand your feelings about the hospital. I've been 3 times and not one was helpful, in any way. The last IP was just short of traumatic. Or maybe it was traumatic.

Have you told your T and pdoc that you absolutely do not want to return to IP?

[Victoria'smom]

Bipolarchic14

[Bipolarchic14]

Yes I was very direct. And my last psych visit I was like literally sobbing when he was talking about the possibility of having to go to IOP or inpatient. I have an appointment with him on Monday and I am dreading it. I just know one thing for sure I’m gonna make sure that I don’t sound like a babbling idiot the entire time. Really need to try not to laugh or cry because this guy was judging everything.

[Victoria'smom]

I hope monday's appointment goes better for you. What can we do to help?

[Bipolarchic14]

I don’t know that anyone can really help to be honest. Right now I am struggling with routine because my sleep is weird. I am not working right now so that natural structure isn’t there. I keep shuffling back-and-forth between sleeping like three hours a night (if that) for several nights in a row and then I’ll have a day where I just can’t stay awake probably because I haven’t been sleeping. Everything has been irritating me. And then I’ve been having reoccurring bouts of suicidal ideation that have been pretty strong. I keep getting an idea in my head that I absolutely know is crazy and I keep trying to push it aside and it just keeps resurfacing. The biggest thing on my bucket list in life is to go to Hawaii and I’m gonna be getting a 401(k) check I will need to roll over. part of me just wants to spend it on a big trip to Hawaii and say f this life. I’m so done with it. I just don’t want to deal with it.

[Victoria'smom]

Can you spend time planning that trip for like 5 years out? That way you can save and have something to look forward too?

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Bipolarchic14

I don’t know that anyone can really help to be honest. Right now I am struggling with routine because my sleep is weird. I am not working right now so that natural structure isn’t there. I keep shuffling back-and-forth between sleeping like three hours a night (if that) for several nights in a row and then I’ll have a day where I just can’t stay awake probably because I haven’t been sleeping. Everything has been irritating me. And then I’ve been having reoccurring bouts of suicidal ideation that have been pretty strong. I keep getting an idea in my head that I absolutely know is crazy and I keep trying to push it aside and it just keeps resurfacing. The biggest thing on my bucket list in life is to go to Hawaii and I’m gonna be getting a 401(k) check I will need to roll over. part of me just wants to spend it on a big trip to Hawaii and say f this life. I’m so done with it. I just don’t want to deal with it.

I am sorry to hear you are struggling like this. I get pretty unwell mentally when my sleep cycle gets messed up. Is there anything that might help it get back on schedule? Please stay safe and reach out for help if you don't feel safe

[yellow_fleurs]

Hi all! I have been up since 4:30 am after falling asleep really early last night. I think without the caffeine and Zoloft my circadian rhythms are resetting themselves or something. I thought I was getting depressed or something, but I woke up with plenty of energy and already did my laundry and cleaned the bathroom and showered. I feel better being in a clean environment so I am happy with that. I am also going to try to apply to jobs today. I only have a few weeks before my current job ends. I have just been all over the place mood and energywise, so have not been consistent with things. I started using my light box to ward off the seasonal depression. I just have to get it right so as not to throw off my sleep or make me too irritable, which can happen sometimes to me. Have a nice Sunday all!

[daladico]

Hey bipolarchic- so sorry you are struggling so much and so glad you reached out on here. Know that you are not alone in this. Many of us have been in similar places. And it is freaking rough. Please let us know if there is anything more we can do to support you. And let us know how your next appointment goes.

Have you had any med adjustments recently? With the labile sleep and irritable mood and increased SI (?) perhaps a med adjustment could help?

In the past when I’ve been in crisis, I have adamantly refused IP, so I get that side of it do you know if there are other IP options that have a better reputation than the one(s) you have been to? Some are much better than others.

Have you ever done IOP? I haven’t done it before, but perhaps it would provide extra support through this.

Big hugs, friend. Thinking about you & hoping things start to improve soon <3 We are with you through this <3 <3 <3

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Hi all! I have been up since 4:30 am after falling asleep really early last night. I think without the caffeine and Zoloft my circadian rhythms are resetting themselves or something. I thought I was getting depressed or something, but I woke up with plenty of energy and already did my laundry and cleaned the bathroom and showered. I feel better being in a clean environment so I am happy with that. I am also going to try to apply to jobs today. I only have a few weeks before my current job ends. I have just been all over the place mood and energywise, so have not been consistent with things. I started using my light box to ward off the seasonal depression. I just have to get it right so as not to throw off my sleep or make me too irritable, which can happen sometimes to me. Have a nice Sunday all!

Hi fleurs, for how many minutes do you use your light box? My pdoc is insistent that I use one, which I have been doing, but I am also concerned about setting off anxiety or irritability - or sleep.

[Mountaindewed]

I feel pretty good today. I’m still glad I did the assessment and I’m actually looking forward to the program. I feel pretty good physically today although I usually don’t start feeling bad until about 1 or 2PM. But I got a letter yesterday saying I don’t owe anything for my surgery. That was a huge deal of stress for me that I openly talked about in therapy and with my Pdoc. I know when I got the surgery done that my insurance would be paying for most of it but I still thought I’d owe a few thousand dollars. But so far today I feel pretty good mentally and physically.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Hi fleurs, for how many minutes do you use your light box? My pdoc is insistent that I use one, which I have been doing, but I am also concerned about setting off anxiety or irritability - or sleep.

I use a light box even in the summer when there are several rainy days in a row. I use it for up to 2 hours with my NP’s and therapist’s approval during the dark times of SAD (this is not the norm). I haven’t run into anxiety, irritability or trouble sleeping due to the light box. I hope you won’t either. Good luck.

[Blue_Bird]

Finished decorating my Christmas tree 🎄

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Finished decorating my Christmas tree 🎄

Very festive!

[Bipolarchic14]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

I am sorry to hear you are struggling like this. I get pretty unwell mentally when my sleep cycle gets messed up. Is there anything that might help it get back on schedule? Please stay safe and reach out for help if you don't feel safe

I don’t know. I have started applying for jobs and I think it will help once I land one. Not financially distressed yet. Honestly though I think my issues with my mental health are not actually related to bipolar alone.. I think I have leaky gut syndrome and I think that’s actually what’s causing the suicidal thinking. I noticed that whenever I’m feeling strong suicidal urges, my stomach hurts a lot. I have also developed digestive issues, diabetes and high blood pressure. I think I need to do some research and get my blood sugar under control and get my issues with my stomach under control. In therapy, we work on distress tolerance but why should we always tolerate it. Why are they not helping me get rid of the distress. My therapist also likes to down play what I go through and she tries to get me to do things that makes life harder. I want my life less stressed not more so. Like we are are headed in the wrong direction chief.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Bipolarchic14

I don’t know. I have started applying for jobs and I think it will help once I land one. Not financially distressed yet. Honestly though I think my issues with my mental health are not actually related to bipolar alone.. I think I have leaky gut syndrome and I think that’s actually what’s causing the suicidal thinking. I noticed that whenever I’m feeling strong suicidal urges, my stomach hurts a lot. I have also developed digestive issues, diabetes and high blood pressure. I think I need to do some research and get my blood sugar under control and get my issues with my stomach under control. In therapy, we work on distress tolerance but why should we always tolerate it. Why are they not helping me get rid of the distress. My therapist also likes to down play what I go through and she tries to get me to do things that makes life harder. I want my life less stressed not more so. Like we are are headed in the wrong direction chief.

I certainly agree that sometimes it's good to look outside the usual obvious "box" when it comes to mental health issues. I hope that your research (and possible consultation about a GP) about it helps your overall health.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Finished decorating my Christmas tree 🎄

Looks lovely!

[Bipolarchic14]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Finished decorating my Christmas tree 🎄

You are inspiring me I may end up decorating for Christmas today! After I do my studying for my course.