[Miss Laura]

So I have been unmedicated for now 6-6.5 months stopped cold turkey. I have although having symptoms functioned well I think and have maintained me being "normal" if you like.

Late September I was offered to get the Depot Injection for my Anti-Psychotic Aririprazole. My Psychiatrist and CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) had agreed I could solely go on this no mood stabiliser would be added. So I was due to get it on Thurs 8th October. I was stressing about it and called my CPN up on Mon 5th October to discuss with her. She agreed to come with me to get it done. I was seeing her for our appt at 2pm and I would get it done in the treatment room just after 3pm. Perfect. Thurs 8th came and she said I wasn't going to be getting it as they needed to order it. Right OK, but you knew for over a week I was going to agree to this!? Confused. So she said I would probably get it the following week... week beginning 12th Oct. Well I'm STILL waiting. My last appt with her on 30th October she said that my Psychiatrist has to write a lengthy form as its not being used for its main purpose. Its acting as the only medication I'm taking. So he has to write a report if you like, it then goes to a board who either approve it or not. He has apparently been putting writing my form off???!!!

So yes I'm not medicated.

Over the last month I have been feeling lower in mood, still maintaining my smile though as well I'm a bloody good actress (OSCAR please). Since start of last week (2nd Nov) I have been really emotional to the point I'm crying over a blinking Disney Christmas advert (Check it out its sad).

Symptoms;

* Struggling with getting up in the morning taking 2 hours to get up

* No motivation to go to bed up until 2 or 3am

* Talking to myself constantly

* Crying since about mid Oct been crying daily

* Cried leaving college 11/11 (LAST STRAW)

* No motivation to do anything

* Don't care attitude

* Not eating much (breakfast and lunch are a no no)

* Re-living past events

* Having recurring nightmares re dying

* Generally feel like a pile of bleep

* Faking it to make it

* Don't want to admit I'm depressed as its admitting I'm ill

* When I'm home I do nothing I just sit on my sofa. Either talking, crying, talking/crying or really angry. I don't put the TV on so I'm literally in silence

* I'm really paranoid about the flat especially at night

* Feel like I'm a burden on people especially my family

So today after crying while leaving college (I shouldn't have went in as I had cried on 2 separate occasions prior to going to college and generally felt bleep). I went into a cafe in town as its torrential rain. So I'm sitting having a sandwich crying no joke. I'm so embarrassed. I decided to call my CPN as I don't want to get like last October where I was suicidal. She's on holiday. Great what do I do? So I try calling my Community Support Worker (she is from the centre my Psychiatrist, CPN and Peer Support Worker are from). Nope constantly engaged. So I eventually emailed my Peer Support Worker. She called me. Had a good 15 min talk with her. She is raging about the injection and indeed my Psychiatrist. She talks to me and says she will speak to my Community Support Worker who I'm seeing on Friday and see if she can extend my appt. I am to re look at my WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan).

Thing is I can't take Anti-depressants anyways so I'm not looking for drugs. I'm just needing help.

Anyways, I feel pants at the moment and faked it all day (at college and with my Sister).

Sorry its a long post... thanks for reading to the end if you did

[cincidak]

What can we do to help?

[Miss Laura]

I really don't know tbh... I kinda just needed to talk.

I'm kinda not wanting to go to college tomorrow I'm only in 2 hours but I really struggled today. I was nearly crying in class. I probably should of stayed home today.

I'm trying to smile through it but it's really hard and I'm really miserable if I'm honest

[cincidak]

I totally understand. I deal with anxiety and phobias, paranoia. When I went to college I was constantly miserable. I made it through, but it was extremely hard. I wish they had been up front with you about the process for getting the shot.

[guy1111]

What happens if you try and hold back the tears? I don't know much about psych drugs but you could try meditation. It's free and natural! You may be having trouble self-regulating your moods. I have found that I am able to sit still and be calm in the moment even when the world is falling apart around me much more easily since I started meditating. Your mind is very powerful on its own.

It sounds like you are hyper-aware of your thoughts and feelings and begin to let them amplify out of control. Meditation also allows you to slow your mind down and focus on one thought, such as, "I am in control of my mind and am at peace".

Sorry you are struggling. I know exactly how you feel. Hope you feel better!

[Miss Laura]

Thanks guys, I am really upset and angry re the injection. Why promise me it on the 8th? They obviously didn't have it in let alone ordered. They must of known they would need to fill in a form and it had to go to a board. My Psychiatrist is the consultant at the centre. He should of done his research before getting my CPN to tell me and getting my hopes up.

FYI I am only getting the injection because I spoke to my CPN re coming into the Winter and knowing fine well I had severe suicidal thoughts last year and I was medicated at the time. So on meds I still had these thoughts. So off meds I was concerned. Looks like if I'm getting it, it wont be until December. I asked for this in September as I didn't want to get to this point.... so I'm seeking help and I am doing the right thing yet I'm still feeling like this cause of the professionals huh.

If COVID-19 wasn't around I would be able to do things to chill out. I would be going to relaxation groups, tai chi, volunteering and 1:1 support. But due to this year and the whole world being up s$$$ creek without a paddle everything has stopped. My city is close to a regional lockdown we are on a semi lockdown at the moment (unable to leave the city). But this could go to the March situation where we are completely locked down and everything shuts on top of that my massage place is open but have had to up their prices obviously. It's too expensive for me to get even a 30 min massage. I have a voucher left but keeping it for a rainy day as the saying goes. I miss my old massage place they were really cheap and brilliant. They catered for the poverty and population of the city (poverty stricken folk and students).

Well its a new day here, it took me 2 full hours to get up again. I awoke just before 7am and got up just after 9am. Need to get going its 10am now need to get ready to travel for college its about an hour's journey and 2 separate buses. Least it's not raining there is a small glimmer of hope today. Sun is out too.

Omg, sounds like very typical depression. You are making a very brave decision to leave school. I’m sorry you are not feeling safely but others have and still do go through this sort of depression. You are not alone and you are not a burden. When I was in high school my doctor offered me birth control for the symptoms that were causing my depression. Anti-depressing would probably do the same. BC helped with acne and weigh management, I guess I needed to gain weight bc I was an athlete and it appeared that I was skipping meals. Now that I am adult I know better. Food is the best nourishment for the body and soul. I hope your week gets better and that you do decide to go back to classes when you are ready. Maybe look for a professional and start with talk therapy or look for a local support group - this can also be a book club, crafting group or even a coffee shop with free wi-fi. Best of luck. Don’t forget your PPE.

[Miss Laura]

Originally Posted by ann bog

Omg, sounds like very typical depression. You are making a very brave decision to leave school. I’m sorry you are not feeling safely but others have and still do go through this sort of depression. You are not alone and you are not a burden. When I was in high school my doctor offered me birth control for the symptoms that were causing my depression. BC helps with acne and weigh management, I guess I needed to gain weight bc I was an athlete and it appeared that I was skipping meals. Now that I am adult I know better. Food is the best nourishment for the body and soul. I hope your week gets better and that you do decide to go back to classes when you are ready. Maybe look for a professional and start with talk therapy or look for a local support group - this can also be a book club, crafting group or even a coffee shop with free wi-fi. Best of luck. Don’t forget your PPE.

Hey yeah I have a Therapist, a CPN, Psychiatrist, Community Support Worker and a Peer Support Worker. My CPN is on holiday, I tried to speak to my Community Support Worker but the phone was constantly engaged, I spoke to my Peer Support Worker and she will inform my Support Worker who I am seeing tomorrow (Fri). I have been worse depression wise but I was medicated (no Anti-depressants though as they send me manic so I just have to ride it out). I deal better than most would in a sense as most people can and will take an Anti-depressant if needs be. Where as for the last 10 years I have had to ride out all the depression on my own. Last year I was really suicidal Oct-Dec but again I had to ride it out. I know this isn't bad but as I said I don't want it to get worse so I sought help now.

I am going to college and if I need to go home I can I'm only in 2 hours hopefully I can handle that. Plus its only 3 days a week. The course ends 1st week in December so not long to go at all

[guy1111]

Thats good. Looking on the bright side. Fees better. Hang in there!!

[Miss Laura]

Update time!

I saw my Community Support Worker on Friday morning. I got an extra 30 mins with her to discuss things. She told me I should call the duty worker who is a CPN who is on call. So I reluctantly did this. We spoke and she said she was going to speak to my Psychiatrist and call me back. So she did. Psychiatrist has said he was unaware I was off ALL meds.... WTF so I have spoken to my CPN, Peer Support Worker and Community Support Worker since I came off them and NOT one of them informed him??? I'm raging cause now I'm the one who looks like the idiot. I am if I want the depot injection to restart the Aririprazole as of today Saturday for 1 week at 10mg and there after 20mg. I am torn... I don't want to take meds but am being forced for the injection. But equally I feel like a pile of poop so I need to do something

Saw the OT who is running my college course. We spoke and she says I need to start feeling better before we start thinking about what to do after college finishes at the start of Dec. She spoke to my Psychiatrist and he says the injection is on its way to the clinic so my CPN will discuss it with me. OT gave me little cards with grounding techniques on it and another one with numbers to call on it. She was so lovely. I don't even have an OT lol she is one of the 4 OT's running the course. But if I did i would love her she is do nice she really made me feel good until I started crying that is grrr she was lovely about that too thankfully

[Miss Laura]

So I restart my Aririprazole 10mg tablet in roughly 8 hours. I am a bag of nerves, a bag of resentment and a bag of no hope

[*Beth*]

You sound terribly depressed, Laura. Remember that none of us wants to take meds. It simply cannot be about that. All the techniques there are can be extremely helpful, but if your brain chemistry is off, meds are it. Once you're stable on meds then, of course, other tools are useful.


I feel so bad for you - and that psychiatrist! What a slacker! Wow.


Please give us an update on how things are going.

[Miss Laura]

Thank you so much for replying....

I took my 10mg of Aririprazole this morning I hated myself for taking it, for bowing down to it, for going against my thoughts. I am so sad and crying constantly cause I have took it. Hoping it might get better

[fern46]

I am sorry you are struggling, but you took a chance on something that can help you. That is a good thing.

You're clinging to the false belief that taking meds means you have failed and makes you less somehow than you would be otherwise. Those beliefs you cling to elicit strong emotional responses. But that's all they are. Thoughts and feelings and you have the power to get some distance from them and ultimately change them.

Try to spend some time today observing how you feel from a distance. Get curious about it. As the feelings arise just try to sit with it and notice what it feels like in your body. Make a note of the thoughts that come. Almost like watching yourself as the actor in a movie... Then, remind yourself that you have a condition that can benefit from medication. You've done something that has the potential to help keep you safer and more stable.

Greeting the negative feelings with curiosity and awareness instead of getting lost in them helps you not to feed this downward cycle. Reminding yourself that you're trying something that has the potential to help you helps to reprogram your mind to be more open to the knowing that meds are not the enemy.

After taking the pills for a few months you can see how you're doing and go from there. Hopefully you'll be able to judge things from a less emotional place. If you're stable and things are good it means the meds have served you well. If things are falling apart and worse than when you started, you can figure out a new plan with your team. All of that takes time and it is helpful to keep that in mind now. You're trying to instantly judge something that needs time to play out and that will never give you a fair assessment. Reminding yourself that your mind is conditioned at the moment to reject the meds and that those thoughts aren't the only possible reality and that there are healthier perspectives out there for you can help. You are worth doing the work to change. Be well, and I hope you're able to let go a little and enjoy some of your weekend.

[*Beth*]

fern's post covers it. Give the med a chance, Laura. When you get too close to feeling despair because of needing a medication, take a few good, full, deep breaths and just notice your thoughts and feelings. Then move on.

You're strong and courageous. I admire you.

[Miss Laura]

I'm really struggling. It started yesterday (Sat) and I had a night of nightmares. I feel like a pile of poo. Mask is on today though I'm at my parents. I just want to cry. I really needed to talk to someone early Sun morning but the only things we have in Scotland are helplines which I couldn't use as I was at my parents, email which I knew could take between 4 and 6 hours to get a reply.... that's it.

So I went to sleep well I lay in the dark crying. I'm beat!

[*Beth*]

Hang in there until the medication has a chance to work.

[Fuzzybear]

I KNOW i'm depressed

[Miss Laura]

Update...

I got a call from the OT running my group at college. I saw her on 13th so she knew everything. She called me on 16th. She asked how I was. She then asked if I had managed to get rid of my excessive amount of meds. I haven't. So she called me after chatting to my CPN. She will come to my flat on 17th and collect them. So yup she came this morning. Not gonna lie I was bricking it. I really wasn't wanting to hand over the meds to her. But I did. She is so nice I don't deserve her kindness I really don't.

She, my Psychiatrist and CPN all agree its safer for me to not have meds in the house just in case. Kinda a bit unsure as I haven't been unsafe like that before so I'm unsure.

I guess it might be cause I was suicidal last year

Still crying, feeling depressed, feeling angry at myself, upset at myself, talking way too much etc etc.

Wish I had a magic pill.... DAY 4 OF TAKING MED!!

[*Beth*]

I'm glad you're safe, Laura.

I'm no medical professional, but I have a lot of experience with meds. It sounds to me like you need a mood stabilizer in addition to the AP. I'm wondering why one wasn't prescribed to you.

[Miss Laura]

Yeah I have one Depakote, but cause we are trying me eventually on the injection I will solely be on the Aririprazole depot injection to manage as a mood stabiliser and anti-psychotic.

Not gonna lie guys I'm scared.... I'm in my flat alone talking to myself as I do. I was having a good chat when I saw something a figure coming to the right of me. I'm petrified. I think I'm hallucinating. I have checked my flat over there is no one here. I was crying, heart racing and really unsure. Its just after midnight. I'm not wanting to sleep just in case anything happens

[*Beth*]

But is Aririprazole a mood stabilizer? It's an AP, but I was thinking of something like Lamictal or lithium.


I hope for your sake that the Aririprazole becomes effective very soon.

[Miss Laura]

No Aririprazole is not a mood stabiliser. But they are gonna try it on me. There is not an injection in the UK for Depakote unfortunately. I struggle taking meds. So the injection is my last resort sort of thing