[Victoria'smom]

So I'm paranoid, alone and want to SH. I can do this with out resorting to SH. Today has thrown me off so much. I'm trying to be okay. I'm acting okay. I just want everything to go away. I don't know if I'm depressed or what. Next week is the first time I talk to my T and she's going to ask me how I've been and I don't know how to answer. Is all over the place an acceptable answer? I FEEL fine but know I'm not. I can't SH they may hospitalize me if I do. This is so hard.

[Mountaindewed]

@soupe du jour I hope everything goes well and you get in your ultrasound.

My IOP is a combination of one on one and also groups. So I assume it will be like a zoom meeting and there will be boxes with everyone in the group and the program has the capability of going to different members so each can participate. I’m not sure but that looks like what it is.

Yeah my therapist needs a lot of bedside manner. But I think it’s also me as well. I can come off as moody and uncooperative a lot of the time.

[Moose72]

I talked with Caleb today. We got talking about mental health and me. He made the observation - (keep in mind that we talk almost every day for a couple hours)- that when I'm unwell, I don't want to get better. That I'd rather just be sick. Interesting? Maybe I don't have the vision to see that I'm sick or maybe I just don't want to believe that I'm having an episode. What do you think? Do you do this too?

[Mountaindewed]

Yeah I do that. At my assessment she kept asking me questions and then was like “do you think you have an eating disorder?” And I stumbled and then denied it. I’m just not seeing what others are seeing.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by BcotOTG

Hello, I just joined this forum and found this daily check in feed. I’m grateful to have this new to me platform to try. It is 3:42am where I live. I woke up at 2am and since I couldn’t sleep, I fixed a Chamomile tea and then checked messages on my phone.

I was diagnosed as Bipolar 1 in October 2010. This summer, our family relocated overseas. We will be expatriates for two years. The international move in the middle of a pandemic and on the heels of two and a half years of acute stress has been challenging. I met today with my new psychiatrist for the second visit. He has recommended an electronic encéphalogramme. I have taken Lamital for 10 years, and he wants to see how my brain waves are connecting to determine if there may be dysfunction secondary to Lamictal (antieleptic drug originally developed and marketed to treat seizures). I also have atypical migraines regularly and extreme sensitivity to unnatural light sources, especially overhead lights and light from screens

Each month, I have periods of a depressed state with brain fog and the desire to withdrawal from life because it all feels overwhelming when my brain isn’t functioning optimally. I also have periods of insomnia and sub mania each month, directly following several weeks in the depressive/frozen state.

I realize this post is a bit choppy—that’s my brain flitting from thought to though without finishing my original train of thought or purpose for initiating communication. I struggle to keep my communications relevant to a specific audience and succinct.

Can anyone relate? Has anyone had an electric encéphalogramme?

Welcome aboard! I’m glad you’re here.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

@BcotOTG - welcome. I get electroconvulsive therapy every 4 weeks and part of that is the electroencephalogram. It's hardly something I notice. They just put some stickers on my head with wires attached to the monitor. It's nothing to be concerned about.

My day is playing out to be quite normal. Nothing to comment on. It's just difficult being a father to three lads now. Although our house guest is respectful, communicative, and helpful.

I really admire what you are doing. I get stressed when we have visitors that leave after a few hours. I hope everything goes smoothly and doesn’t put you under too much stress. It helps that he’s a nice young man.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Yeah I do that. At my assessment she kept asking me questions and then was like “do you think you have an eating disorder?” And I stumbled and then denied it. I’m just not seeing what others are seeing.

I've done that at the ER when I had delirium.

[Mountaindewed]

We put him to sleep. And the vet wasn’t nice and it’s like she was blaming us or something. She didn’t bother to read his chart or talk to us much. It was a very cold experience. I don’t think my mental health is very good right now.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

We put him to sleep. And the vet wasn’t nice and it’s like she was blaming us or something. She didn’t bother to read his chart or talk to us much. It was a very cold experience. I don’t think my mental health is very good right now.

[*Beth*]

Mountaindewed

I am so, so sorry.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

We put him to sleep. And the vet wasn’t nice and it’s like she was blaming us or something. She didn’t bother to read his chart or talk to us much. It was a very cold experience. I don’t think my mental health is very good right now.

I’m sorry for your loss.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

We put him to sleep. And the vet wasn’t nice and it’s like she was blaming us or something. She didn’t bother to read his chart or talk to us much. It was a very cold experience. I don’t think my mental health is very good right now.

I'm so sorry. That's hard enough with an empathetic vet. I hope you have lots of good memories of him to help you through this time.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I talked with Caleb today. We got talking about mental health and me. He made the observation - (keep in mind that we talk almost every day for a couple hours)- that when I'm unwell, I don't want to get better. That I'd rather just be sick. Interesting? Maybe I don't have the vision to see that I'm sick or maybe I just don't want to believe that I'm having an episode. What do you think? Do you do this too?

Well, if I'm depressed I definitely want to get better. If I'm manic...initially, I believe my own manic mind. I don't think there's anything to "get better" from. It seems to me that there's something wrong with others, not me. I feel like I have special powers and abilities - and the world is brighter and more beautiful! When things start going out of control (especially if I'm angry and fighting everybody, or I'm delusional), then I want to get better.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Well, if I'm depressed I definitely want to get better. If I'm manic...initially, I believe my own manic mind. I don't think there's anything to "get better" from. It seems to me that there's something wrong with others, not me. I feel like I have special powers and abilities - and the world is brighter and more beautiful! When things start going out of control (especially if I'm angry and fighting everybody, or I'm delusional), then I want to get better.

I've had times when I've been very angry and screamed at people and had no idea that I was manic! I don't KNOW I'm delusional when I'm delusional. I want the crazies to stop. I want the others that I'm screaming at to stop screaming at ME! It never occurs to me that they might be screamign back at my screaming. EIther way, its not good. I left a fight like that once and took my car out and drove to a drug store, calling my sister telling her

Possible trigger:

I wanted to kill myself

and so my sister asks me where I am and the police show up but I'm on the phone with my pdoc by then so when I get out of my car, two cop cars have blocked me in and the police are searching my car with flashlights. The end of that story is that they called an ambulance and my sister showed up and said she wanted to cancel the call, but they said "Nope! It' too late now. The wheels are in motion!!" (The wheels of the process not the ambulance wheels!) I ended up at the psych ER and they let me go and my sister drove me home. So yeah- you can see how things get out of control when I'm manic!

[hopeless2015]

Just popping in to say HI. Sending hugs to anyone that wants or needs one! Haven't logged on for a really long time...

[bpcyclist]

Hanging in there. I guess I got manic for like two hours. According to my peer support girl. Better now. Just hiring a ton of people. Going good. Hugs and love.

[bpcyclist]

Oh,man, guys. I am as high as a damn kite. So freaking euphoric, like, almost orgasmic. Serious. Sorry. TMI. But, I am just waaaaay too high. Damn. Texted doc. Ugh.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Oh,man, guys. I am as high as a damn kite. So freaking euphoric, like, almost orgasmic. Serious. Sorry. TMI. But, I am just waaaaay too high. Damn. Texted doc. Ugh.

Sending hugs and thinking of you. I hope you get it straightened out soon. I’m sorry you are having to go through this.

[Mountaindewed]

Thanks everyone for the support. I really appreciate it.

Today I feel pretty good about starting group. I did get a ton of diarrhea twice this morning after drinking a caffeine free Coke. Eating and drinking stuff has just done that recently but I think it may be underlying nerves and also stress.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I've had times when I've been very angry and screamed at people and had no idea that I was manic! I don't KNOW I'm delusional when I'm delusional. I want the crazies to stop. I want the others that I'm screaming at to stop screaming at ME! It never occurs to me that they might be screamign back at my screaming. EIther way, its not good. I left a fight like that once and took my car out and drove to a drug store, calling my sister telling her

Possible trigger:

I wanted to kill myself

and so my sister asks me where I am and the police show up but I'm on the phone with my pdoc by then so when I get out of my car, two cop cars have blocked me in and the police are searching my car with flashlights. The end of that story is that they called an ambulance and my sister showed up and said she wanted to cancel the call, but they said "Nope! It' too late now. The wheels are in motion!!" (The wheels of the process not the ambulance wheels!) I ended up at the psych ER and they let me go and my sister drove me home. So yeah- you can see how things get out of control when I'm manic!

Did they handcuff you? Last time thew cops were called on me they handcuffed me (I was not being violent). It was outrageous. I'm surprised that the psych ER let you go.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Oh,man, guys. I am as high as a damn kite. So freaking euphoric, like, almost orgasmic. Serious. Sorry. TMI. But, I am just waaaaay too high. Damn. Texted doc. Ugh.

Hey, there! It's good to have an update from you. I'm glad you texted your pdoc.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Sending hugs and thinking of you. I hope you get it straightened out soon. I’m sorry you are having to go through this.

Thank you, Jennifer.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Hey, there! It's good to have an update from you. I'm glad you texted your pdoc.

Thanks, hon. Just doing my best.

[Victoria'smom]

Bpc feel better soon.

[MuddyBoots]

I must confess I have not taken my Seroquel in like two months except for exceptions like last night. Still on Risperdal shots for a reason, I guess haha. Yesterday was so weird I can control the weather I cleaned out the freezer and it snowed a little! A sign???? I think so!!!! Last night there was someone who kept moving in my bed like shaking but it was just me so that’s why I took the seroquel hopefully to sleep and I did sleep but the noises are still there and I’m still sensing things moving when they are NOT! I’m like that, always moving but staying still.

Cats had to go back to the vet yesterday. High blood pressure and kidney disease. They are both 16 and now have to take pills and need to ween them on a prescription k/d diet that the vet said they won't like because it tastes like cardboard. I tasted cat food before its just really salty cardboard (the dry stuff anyways). My cousin tried wet food said its better. Somethings got to give. I was SUPPOSED to make French toast with my boyfriend today but he forgot all about me I think. Good. I think he gave me herpes anyways... Oh and I got a few turns in on the five inches of solid ice. No control and lots of trees and rocks. Going to get a new touring set up, expensive but it’ll save me money in the long run and who doesn’t want to be on top of Mt. Washington in the winter?

I also have made my way into a book the doctor an IOP I used to go to wrote. “Very serious bipolar disorder....constant risk to herself and others...” but does well on medication, yeah, he only thinks that because I stop word vomiting on meds and I can keep my secrets. I wonder what they would do about my injection if I got sick? Maybe put me back on pills so I wouldn’t have to go to the clinic? I am doing very well now though. Perfect From Now On.