[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I'm sorry I am so behind here. I'm sending hugs to all and will try to get a little caught up as soon as possible.

We arrived in Czech Republic yesterday late morning, after a brief stop in Amsterdam, Netherlands. The flights were comparatively pleasant and on time. The plane from NYC to Amsterdam was only about 1/4 full, so we slept stretched in a horizontal position over five seats. Nice! In contrast, the plane from Amsterdam to Prague was mostly full.

I have jet lag, and am just plain exhausted and sore. I can't wait to go to our new home, but for now we are staying with my husband's sister. Though being a guest is tiring, it's a little more like home with my sister-in-law. Unlike my family members, my husband's sister and nephews have and will help(ed) us with many things.

We have lots of errands to run.

I'm so glad you made it safely and comfortably. Soupe, what is the time difference between here and Czechoslovakia?

[Mountaindewed]

My anxiety has gotten pretty bad. I’m trying to tell myself Xanax is not a food group. I’ve already had 1mil. I should try eating.

Fought with my best friend the other day, haven't been doing to well with it. I left it on terms where I feel appropriate, so if we reconcile, it's on the table -- but I'm not holding my breath. It is what it is. I don't have much more to add for now.

[*Beth*]

I have a rather huge 4 shelf book shelf in my bedroom. Tall. Today I took all the books out, oiled the shelves, and cleaned and rearranged the books. It was a hard job, but it looks nice and organized now. Proud me.


I took the first dose of Wellbutrin this morning. I can't tell anything yet, of course. I have high hopes of it helping this depression, SI, and general insanity. I can't seem to get stable lately.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I have a rather huge 4 shelf book shelf in my bedroom. Tall. Today I took all the books out, oiled the shelves, and cleaned and rearranged the books. It was a hard job, but it looks nice and organized now. Proud me.


I took the first dose of Wellbutrin this morning. I can't tell anything yet, of course. I have high hopes of it helping this depression, SI, and general insanity. I can't seem to get stable lately.

I bet the book shelf looks lovely. Good job!

I hope the Wellbutrin works quickly and helps you out. Sending good thoughts your way.

[Mountaindewed]

I have this secret I’ve been hiding from my mom. My therapist knows but my mom doesn’t. If she were to find out I’d just say it’s an odd transition thing. Sometimes it just drives me nuts trying to hide it that if she ever were to find out it may just be a huge sigh of relief. She’s been so accepting so far of everything. I don’t think this would be any different. She cleaned my room in October when I couldn’t so she very well could know already and isn’t saying anything. She did mention the mysterious packages one time and I just said it was something private. I also think she saw one of my things on the floor and didn’t say anything. But it’s been stressful.

[Moose72]

Went grocery shopping again today with N3. They totally have things upside down and backwards! There are shelves where the walkways used to be, perpendicular to the other aisles. There's a hidden section of maybe 5 old aisles where the floor is all mounds of brown dirt. However, we didn't have to wait long at the check out. But at least I have groceries now.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I have a rather huge 4 shelf book shelf in my bedroom. Tall. Today I took all the books out, oiled the shelves, and cleaned and rearranged the books. It was a hard job, but it looks nice and organized now. Proud me.


I took the first dose of Wellbutrin this morning. I can't tell anything yet, of course. I have high hopes of it helping this depression, SI, and general insanity. I can't seem to get stable lately.

How are you sleeping?
bizi

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Went grocery shopping again today with N3. They totally have things upside down and backwards! There are shelves where the walkways used to be, perpendicular to the other aisles. There's a hidden section of maybe 5 old aisles where the floor is all mounds of brown dirt. However, we didn't have to wait long at the check out. But at least I have groceries now.

Are they changing the floor plan of the store? I find it thoroughly upsetting when grocery stores do that.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by bizi

How are you sleeping?
bizi

I'm taking 12.5mg of Seroquel and 10mg melotonin to sleep. So far, the combination is working pretty well. I always awaken early, but I don't mind that because I like to watch the dawn. Then I go back and sleep for a while. It's the nights when I go to bed and toss and turn, unable to fall asleep that bother me. The melatonin is helping with that. And the 5 warm cats on my bed .

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Are they changing the floor plan of the store? I find it thoroughly upsetting when grocery stores do that.

Yup. A vast majority is being moved elsewhere. Its most annoying to have to literally hunt for one's food!

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'm so glad you made it safely and comfortably. Soupe, what is the time difference between here and Czechoslovakia?

Thanks, Beth.

Czech Republic is six hours ahead of EST. Nine hours ahead of California time. As I type this it is 10:57 am in Czech Republic. 1:57 am in California.

[Soupe du jour]

Hubby and I are going into Prague today to visit friends and run errands. One friend is actually the one we stayed with (garlic house) in NJ. That friend travels between the US and Czech Republic frequently throughout the year, for business. It's nice that we will continue to see him, regularly.

Yesterday was an intensely tiring day, but productive. We set up a bank account, ordered new cell phones, TV/internet service, and even bought a nice used car. It is a Honda Jazz. A type not available in the US. Our car we had in the US will be shipped to us at a later date.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Hubby and I are going into Prague today to visit friends and run errands. One friend is actually the one we stayed with (garlic house) in NJ. That friend travels between the US and Czech Republic frequently throughout the year, for business. It's nice that we will continue to see him, regularly.

Yesterday was an intensely tiring day, but productive. We set up a bank account, ordered new cell phones, TV/internet service, and even bought a nice used car. It is a Honda Jazz. A type not available in the US.

I’m glad you made it over there safely and smoothly and that things are moving along. Fascinating. Absolutely fascinating. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us.

[Soupe du jour]

I'm glad you're enjoying my journey with me, Jennifer. I know that at some point it will go from seeming exciting to much more stressful and far less interesting. Believe me.

Hubby ended up going to Prague on his own. Instead, I'm here on my laptop. My sister-in-law and nephew are taking naps. I'm not a napper, so won't. But this is an alone time I crave, but I do wish it was at my own place already. Being a guest has its limitations. I don't feel so very free. Over these past several weeks I have also discovered what a horrible picky fart I am about food. I have my set usual requirements for eating, and like my own cooking much more than others' or even most restaurants'. In Czech Republic, the average family seems to eat/want far fewer vegetables than I like. Often there is literally no vegetable served at all. For example, today's lunch, the closest to one was the dill in a sauce. I have what I call a "two vegetable (or at least fruit) per meal policy" in my house. My Czech hubby likes that, too. We agreed today that I'm even becoming like his mother, who would never like anyone else's food as much as her own. Truly I know I should be ashamed, since being a guest is a kind gift. I have frequently offered to be a kitchen helper for my s-i-l, but I can't just take over the cooking. It's funny how distressing this can be.

Since Hubby has been in his native country, he's been drinking a lot more, too. Czechs consume more than people in most countries, and have the highest beer consumption in the world. I've been good. For one thing, I have a history of alcohol abuse. For another thing, my medications make heavy drinking VERY BAD NEWS. It's not just how it affects my moods, but my moodstabilizers and antipsychotic can be almost like Antabuse, if I drink heavily. Once I was almost poisoned and could have choked to death from my vomit. May sound gross, but it was dangerous.

[MuddyBoots]

I think Seroquel is causing me to hallucinate. Over the summer when I was on it I was hallucinating a lot, and then I stopped it and went three months without hallucinating and then I started it again two days ago and today I started hearing things.

Talked to my best friend. We're ending our friendship. The final conversation was calm and about as clear as we're going to get on the issue. I'm not here to bash my her. I don't think poorly of her, but I wish she would take accountability for what she does, or fails to do, in order to move forward in our friendship. She won't do it. She doubled down with some unknown mental illness she can't explain to me and doesn't know how to try because "I'll just think she's using it as a crutch". If I am honest, I find that a load of BS, not that she may have been diagnosed with something other than what I have previously known of her, but the idea that she has some illness that I couldn't understand (she can't even tell me what its called?) or even if its just a set of symptoms, I find it very difficult to believe it takes away her accountability for her words or actions.

Just to be clear, as someone who also deals with mental health issues, I'm not oblivious to how mental health affects people. I am a firm believer that mental illness manifests in different ways and people cope and deal and adapt in a way uniquely their own. Therefore I am not trying to compare what literally may seem like apples and oranges. However there are underlying themes and symptoms that make it relatable. I'm not asking for an apology out of context. I have on many occasions apologized for my actions. When I am depressed I shut down and I disappear, I've literally left my friend in question a nervous wreck not knowing if I was ok because I couldn't muster the strength to even be around people or pick up a phone. The situation is what it is, it's not mean-spirited or an attempt to hurt anyone. But in the end, I left people upset and scared. When I dip out, I do feel bad because I've neglected those I've cared about. A man with anger issues shoots someone, damage was still done. It's not pardonable simply because its a scenario different than what most experience.


I'm not saying she doesn't care, but I am saying she refuses to believe in becoming more than it. I explained to her I can't accept her not taking responsibility because in my experience, we get stuck in a cycle and unless we make a path forward to try to break it, it doesn't stop and the same actions continue and the same people get hurt. I reached out even further, and explained maybe this new issue she has is just very new and she hasn't learned how to manage it through just to get through the day. I can give her time and space to do that, but I can't accept it until she can accepts her actions are her own. I wasn't expecting a total 180 overnight or even periods where space and time are needed... but unless she held herself accountable for her, I couldn't continue.

She's not willing to do that, so it is what it is.

The issue has progressed over a year, and is just to the point where I don't think there's benefit anymore. Just to give you an idea of what this is all about anyway, we live in different states and we aren't physically around each other much but we've always tried to stay in communication and spend time together. Naturally thats waned some in the last 3 years she's been gone, and the 10002929 things life throws at us that make any random moment a bit more difficult to connect -- there's all that. There's a natural sense of separation. But she doesn't reach out, and she ignores my messages when I do. She'll answer maybe one in 10, if I'm lucky. If I do get her attention and say we video chat the entire time she's playing a game in the background or texting someone else. I find those things rather hurtful because it's like she's putting in no effort for the friendship. I would like to see that change.


"I have depression and anxiety and you don't understand the **** I'm going through. I ignore everyone, it's not just you. You can't be a real friend if you don't understand that. "blah blah blah. -- it's that stuff I can't handle. Why not just say things, with context, for what they are. "I've not been the greatest friend. I'm under a lot of stress and my mental health struggles are getting the better of me. I feel distracted a lot and I've not been there for you. I'm sorry." -- at least thats closer to the factual truth than demeaning me for not accepting you have mental health issues that don't make you culpable for what you do.

That said -- she was my best friend and I love and care about her. This isn't an attack on her. I really do hope she figures her stuff out to a point where she feels in control again, I really do. I wish her the best and I wish for her to find peace. I know how hard it is to struggle -- we all have been there. So, keep her in your thoughts for me if you will. I want the best for her, but to protect myself -- I have to take a back burner.

I said my say to her, and she's said hers. It's what it is, and I stand where I stand.

[Mountaindewed]

I feel kinda weird today. I don’t have the massive anxiety I had been getting. But I don’t feel great either. I spent all day reading a book instead of watching TV or surfing the web. I got food from Sonic though. I didn’t have any coffee or soda either for the first time in days. I guess I just feel kinda emotional about my move. My moms been packing all day. I just feel kinda weird. I slept well for the second night in a row. Maybe I’m just not used to having such low anxiety.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by MarcusAurelius

Talked to my best friend. We're ending our friendship. The final conversation was calm and about as clear as we're going to get on the issue. I'm not here to bash my her. I don't think poorly of her, but I wish she would take accountability for what she does, or fails to do, in order to move forward in our friendship. She won't do it. She doubled down with some unknown mental illness she can't explain to me and doesn't know how to try because "I'll just think she's using it as a crutch". If I am honest, I find that a load of BS, not that she may have been diagnosed with something other than what I have previously known of her, but the idea that she has some illness that I couldn't understand (she can't even tell me what its called?) or even if its just a set of symptoms, I find it very difficult to believe it takes away her accountability for her words or actions.

Just to be clear, as someone who also deals with mental health issues, I'm not oblivious to how mental health affects people. I am a firm believer that mental illness manifests in different ways and people cope and deal and adapt in a way uniquely their own. Therefore I am not trying to compare what literally may seem like apples and oranges. However there are underlying themes and symptoms that make it relatable. I'm not asking for an apology out of context. I have on many occasions apologized for my actions. When I am depressed I shut down and I disappear, I've literally left my friend in question a nervous wreck not knowing if I was ok because I couldn't muster the strength to even be around people or pick up a phone. The situation is what it is, it's not mean-spirited or an attempt to hurt anyone. But in the end, I left people upset and scared. When I dip out, I do feel bad because I've neglected those I've cared about. A man with anger issues shoots someone, damage was still done. It's not pardonable simply because its a scenario different than what most experience.

I'm not saying she doesn't care, but I am saying she refuses to believe in becoming more than it. I explained to her I can't accept her not taking responsibility because in my experience, we get stuck in a cycle and unless we make a path forward to try to break it, it doesn't stop and the same actions continue and the same people get hurt. I reached out even further, and explained maybe this new issue she has is just very new and she hasn't learned how to manage it through just to get through the day. I can give her time and space to do that, but I can't accept it until she can accepts her actions are her own. I wasn't expecting a total 180 overnight or even periods where space and time are needed... but unless she held herself accountable for her, I couldn't continue.

She's not willing to do that, so it is what it is.

The issue has progressed over a year, and is just to the point where I don't think there's benefit anymore. Just to give you an idea of what this is all about anyway, we live in different states and we aren't physically around each other much but we've always tried to stay in communication and spend time together. Naturally thats waned some in the last 3 years she's been gone, and the 10002929 things life throws at us that make any random moment a bit more difficult to connect -- there's all that. There's a natural sense of separation. But she doesn't reach out, and she ignores my messages when I do. She'll answer maybe one in 10, if I'm lucky. If I do get her attention and say we video chat the entire time she's playing a game in the background or texting someone else. I find those things rather hurtful because it's like she's putting in no effort for the friendship. I would like to see that change.

"I have depression and anxiety and you don't understand the **** I'm going through. I ignore everyone, it's not just you. You can't be a real friend if you don't understand that. "blah blah blah. -- it's that stuff I can't handle. Why not just say things, with context, for what they are. "I've not been the greatest friend. I'm under a lot of stress and my mental health struggles are getting the better of me. I feel distracted a lot and I've not been there for you. I'm sorry." -- at least thats closer to the factual truth than demeaning me for not accepting you have mental health issues that don't make you culpable for what you do.

That said -- she was my best friend and I love and care about her. This isn't an attack on her. I really do hope she figures her stuff out to a point where she feels in control again, I really do. I wish her the best and I wish for her to find peace. I know how hard it is to struggle -- we all have been there. So, keep her in your thoughts for me if you will. I want the best for her, but to protect myself -- I have to take a back burner.

I said my say to her, and she's said hers. It's what it is, and I stand where I stand.

I'm so sorry. You're handling this in a really mature, admirable way.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Hubby and I are going into Prague today to visit friends and run errands. One friend is actually the one we stayed with (garlic house) in NJ. That friend travels between the US and Czech Republic frequently throughout the year, for business. It's nice that we will continue to see him, regularly.

Yesterday was an intensely tiring day, but productive. We set up a bank account, ordered new cell phones, TV/internet service, and even bought a nice used car. It is a Honda Jazz. A type not available in the US. Our car we had in the US will be shipped to us at a later date.

Thanks for the update!!!!!
bizi