[RemRem]

I haven't had an easy life. Not to say my home life wasn't good. I had great parents who gave me all they could. Loved me, gave me a private school education, always had food, we sometimes struggled, but I hardly noticed.

My hard life has come from my own head. In my 20's, I finally realized and acknowledged that I was depressed, but had been so used to it, I didn't even realize it was depression until then. I thought that thoughts of suicide or dying in a blaze of glory doing something you loved was common.

Until I was 18 years old, I believed that my step father was my biological dad. The day after my 18th birthday, my parents tell me the truth, and a couple weeks later, I met my biological dad.

And he is just like me, or I am just like him, rather. We had our ups and downs. We were both in a messed up situation that my mom created.

I had known from our talks over the years that my grandpa and my dad's sister both were bipolar. Me, at age 37, a day after Christmas, decided to talk to my dad about his take on antidepressants and if his dad, or he had ever taken them.

We talked for over and hour and a half about our lives and mental illness. He told me his dad and sister were both diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He was never diagnosed, but he knew he was also, and that I probably am also.

I looked up the DSM on bipolar, and met a solid 4 of the 8 signs of bipolar, and depending on interpretation of the signs, I might be as high as 7 of the 8. Showing 3 is the minimum.

And so I went online and took some tests. Granted, they warn these aren't a substitution for a professional, and seek a professional opinion. But I took about 15 different tests. Every one of the tests said a score under 50 is no sign of bipolar, and anything over was signs of bipolar. 100 being the max.

My lowest score was 75, with the average between 75 and 85, and my highest was 90.

Even when I would answer the question on the lighter side of the 6 choices, or yes and no questions, every time, I was 75% or higher. Every test said, "You are moderate to severe bipolar, please seek help."

I don't know what to do with this information. I have been in counselling, and it has never been brought up before. My depression has, for sure. But not being bipolar.

Although, suddenly, my life now makes more sense. I had 3 years of terrible depression, and nothing would make me come out of it. I ended up quitting my job working for my dad, and like a light switch, the depression was gone. It really did not make much sense to me. It wasn't like the job was stressful, and yeah, my dad and I are a lot alike, so probably better for us not to work together. But with that one act, depression was gone, and I was riding a high for most the next 2 years.

I do not have problems with spending money, I am actually pretty good about saving it. But my whole life I have been involved in reckless behavior driving cars and motorcycles, snowboarding, skateboarding. I crashed my street bike while drunk and running from the cops. I went down at over 125 mph, I thought I was dead, and I was alright with that. The thing about it is, none of those things scare me. Doing those dangerous sports and pushing myself harder is the only time I am happy. I forget everything, I am focused in the moment. And that feeling makes me want to push it even more.

I am 37 years old, and haven't slowed down. I do many of the same things I did as a teen and in my 20's.

I have felt this way as far back as I can remember, age 5 or 6, and when I looked up symptoms of bipolar in children, I hit every single symptom. My mom thought I was ADHD, and took me in to get tested, but they said I was not ADHD, but very highly active.

I want to educate myself on bipolar disorder and what it means for me. This has been a lot for me to process these last couple days. What scares me, is how much sense my feelings and life makes now.

[RemRem]

I would like to report that I just set myself to get tested for bipolar at the counselors office I go to. So I will know for sure soon.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by RemRem

I would like to report that I just set myself to get tested for bipolar at the counselors office I go to. So I will know for sure soon.

Welcome!

I'm glad you found us. We can't diagnose you, but we can share our experiences. Unfortunately, it may take more than one appointment to figure out that you have bipolar disorder. They need a history and it usually takes more than one appointment to give a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. There are other conditions that can look like bipolar but that are not. And you may need a psychiatrist to diagnosis you rather than a social worker. Psych Nurse practitioners can diagnose you, too.

[RemRem]

Thanks, but I am seeing a psychologist with a PhD, and every other counselor has at least a Masters Degree.

I have been seeing them for awhile, and while I have taken some personality tests, I have not been specifically tested for bipolar, which is what I just set up this night, with their office. So, they do have a history of me, and will definitely be able to set me up with a doctor if I decide to take medication.

I also got diagnosed at 37 (earlier this year). From what I read online it's fairly common to be diagnosed later in life. I could be wrong on this but I believe it has to do with having more of a timeline to see manic/depressive episodes repeat themselves. For example I was diagnosed with seasonal depression twice because the timing of my depressive phases lined up enough with the seasons changing. The best part is you are getting diagnosed, no matter what the result you took the first step.

Keep us posted on how it goes for you. I can tell you that my experience wasn't horrible, it wasn't ideal and it had it's own challenges but looking back on it there was nothing so horrible that I would tell someone don't do this. I'm talking about the process as a whole of being diagnosed, getting your tests ran, and starting your medication (if required).

I hope to read about your success on the forums in the future.

[RemRem]

I am glad to hear that 37 is not too old to find out about this. I felt like I was stupid for only now asking about it.

My mom was, and still is, into holistic medicine, and never brought up mental illness, even though she is an RN by profession. I never saw mental help as a child, just parents who asked me, "why can't you just be happy? You have a good life."

And it is also really strange that the last few weeks I have been in a terrible low. But within these last few days, after talking to my dad, taking bipolar tests, crying, laughing, and processing... I feel better knowing this. It is like a piece of myself that I didn't understand, finally became legible. I am happy because I realized I am mentally sick? It is strange. And yet feels right.

I took psychology in college, I knew what the definition was from a clinical standpoint, but still couldn't see the signs in myself? How did I miss it?

[Moose72]

I've been diagnosed for 15 years, yet I have missed the fact that I'm in an episode. I was told I was special as a child but nobody diagnosed me as bipolar. Looking back, and comparing what I know about bipolar kids, my bipolar hadn't shown up until past puberty. Bipolar in kids tends to manifest as severe rage, as far as I know.

[RemRem]

That's what I had as a child... severe rage. I would some times become so angry, that I would throw a fit, and pass out on the ground in rage, and scare my parents as I would black out and fall to the floor. My parents always worked on it for me, and said when I did that it scared them. but they did help. Since my 20's, I have recognized the rage, and slowed myself down. I do not throw tantrums anymore to the point where I just see red, but I still remember them. My anger and rage is much more under control than when I was young.

[Moose72]

Bipolar is not something you want. Not even sorta. Mania may be "fun" but the aftermath can be severe. In fact, during can be severe- reckless driving and basic lack of fear in general. The consequences of conflicts with friends and family can be severe. The lack of insight can lead to poor decisions and run-ins with the law. Arrests are not uncommon. You don't want bipolar disorder. It is nothing but trouble and loss which is cyclical so it happens again and again and everytime you have an episode it is worse than the last time. (Kindling effect.)

[*Beth*]

I dunno, you're probably not exactly happy to have a mental illness, maybe just to have a possible answer. Moose is spot on.


Many years ago I was mis-diagnosed by my otherwise truly brilliant therapist, who was a Ph.D. It took a psychiatrist, or 2, to give me a proper dx. As well-educated as Ph.D.'s are, pdocs are more so, and have experience (such as inpatient work) that surpasses the experience most therapists have. Remember that BD is a brain disorder, not a behavioral one. For a solid diagnosis I'd see a psychiatrist. Misdiagnosis is just too easy and adds years to when proper treatment is obtained.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I dunno, you're probably not exactly happy to have a mental illness, maybe just to have a possible answer. Moose is spot on.


Many years ago I was mis-diagnosed by my otherwise truly brilliant therapist, who was a Ph.D. It took a psychiatrist, or 2, to give me a proper dx. As well-educated as Ph.D.'s are, pdocs are more so, and have experience (such as inpatient work) that surpasses the experience most therapists have. Remember that BD is a brain disorder, not a behavioral one. For a solid diagnosis I'd see a psychiatrist. Misdiagnosis is just too easy and adds years to when proper treatment is obtained.

Originally Posted by Moose72

Bipolar is not something you want. Not even sorta. Mania may be "fun" but the aftermath can be severe. In fact, during can be severe- reckless driving and basic lack of fear in general. The consequences of conflicts with friends and family can be severe. The lack of insight can lead to poor decisions and run-ins with the law. Arrests are not uncommon. You don't want bipolar disorder. It is nothing but trouble and loss which is cyclical so it happens again and again and everytime you have an episode it is worse than the last time. (Kindling effect.)

Can not agree more about the mania. It's all fun and games until reality sets in and your looking back on all the damage caused to just about every aspect of your life. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by TheMartyJoy

Can not agree more about the mania. It's all fun and games until reality sets in and your looking back on all the damage caused to just about every aspect of your life. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Truer words never spoken.

[RemRem]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I dunno, you're probably not exactly happy to have a mental illness, maybe just to have a possible answer. Moose is spot on.


Many years ago I was mis-diagnosed by my otherwise truly brilliant therapist, who was a Ph.D. It took a psychiatrist, or 2, to give me a proper dx. As well-educated as Ph.D.'s are, pdocs are more so, and have experience (such as inpatient work) that surpasses the experience most therapists have. Remember that BD is a brain disorder, not a behavioral one. For a solid diagnosis I'd see a psychiatrist. Misdiagnosis is just too easy and adds years to when proper treatment is obtained.

I will definitely see a psychiatrist if bipolar is likely what I have. I was kind of unprepared for this, to be honest.

I have known I was seriously depressed, but I never considered the possibility of being bipolar.

After talking with my dad, he said my grandpa had severe mania, and would stay up for four days at a time. His heart eventually gave out from over work. My aunt is the same story, and also died young. My dad says he has it too,

I won't jump too any conclusions before proper testing, but after reading about it, it seems a likely candidate, especially with family history. I will make sure to take all the right steps toward a proper diagnosis, this is really my first step. Admitting that I likely have a mental disorder.

[Werewoman]

Oh geez, I was 46, well, the first time. I rejected the diagnosis. I thought it was ludicrous. Fast forward to age 56. By that time it was so bad, I was cycling every 4 days or so my husband told me. I took him with me to my next p-doc appointment where he described my crazy behavior. We each had to keep a journal for a month, his - observations, mine was how I felt at certain times each day. The patterns were so obvious.
A few months ago I came across a long lost cousin from California where I was born. We were very young the last time we saw each other so it was a very happy reunion. Recently he asked me if my bipolar episodes were anything like his mother's (my dad's sister) and described hers to me. She and I are exactly the same. I don't know how to feel about that. I adored her, of course, but she died young.

[Hurre]

Welcome to the forum.

If you want to learn more about bipolar disorder I can really recommend the book The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide by David Miklowitz, PhD. It's a great book. I also recommend that you keep some sort of bipolar diary where you jot down notes and thoughts about your condition and how you're feeling, etc, at regular intervals. I have done this for over 7 years now and it has helped me learn a lot about myself and my bipolar condition. I have gained a lot of valuable insights this way. Furthermore, writing is meditative. In addition, it is a good way to make you feel better.

Personally, I got my bipolar diagnosis when I was 31. It was a huge relief as it explained so much of previous behaviour and mental states. Many people on this forum talk about bipolar disorder being all bad, which isn't necessarily true. If you learn as much as you can about bipolar and which methods work for you, then you can have a good life, despite being bipolar. Naturally, you need to manage your condition with proper sleep, meds and exercise (and reflection). I also really enjoy the creative side that comes with the condition, it has been rewarding in different ways. Hope this was of any help.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Hurre

Welcome to the forum.

If you want to learn more about bipolar disorder I can really recommend the book The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide by David Miklowitz, PhD. It's a great book. I also recommend that you keep some sort of bipolar diary where you jot down notes and thoughts about your condition and how you're feeling, etc, at regular intervals. I have done this for over 7 years now and it has helped me learn a lot about myself and my bipolar condition. I have gained a lot of valuable insights this way. Furthermore, writing is meditative. In addition, it is a good way to make you feel better.

Personally, I got my bipolar diagnosis when I was 31. It was a huge relief as it explained so much of previous behaviour and mental states. Many people on this forum talk about bipolar disorder being all bad, which isn't necessarily true. If you learn as much as you can about bipolar and which methods work for you, then you can have a good life, despite being bipolar. Naturally, you need to manage your condition with proper sleep, meds and exercise (and reflection). I also really enjoy the creative side that comes with the condition, it has been rewarding in different ways. Hope this was of any help.

Thank you for the book suggestion. I just ordered it from my library.

Whether or not I think that having BD is bad, good, or in-between depends upon how I'm feeling when asked. I also believe that our self-perception of our disorder has much to do with the culture in which we live, and what threatens us.

[bpfighter250]

Hi there....many times bipolar disorder is diagnosed later in life because it didn’t present with symptoms to such extreme a degree that the diagnosis was clearly obvious. To make it even more confusing there are 2 subtypes bipolar 1 and bipolar 2. I was diagnosed fairly early at age 21 because I had the classic manic episode with decreased need for sleep, pressured speech, racing thoughts, grandiosity, ideas of reference (where you misinterpret innocent stimulus and conversation as having some special often negative meaning about yourself). I wound up in a psych ward and got put on medication. To be diagnosed with bipolar you require a manic or hypomanic episode. I’m imagining you have not had something so clear cut as what I described? Or have you had discreet manic episodes where you went a little out of sorts but no one took you to get help? In many cases people have diagnoses of some form of bipolar disorder but it is harder to diagnose them as sometimes their symptoms may be related to other factors like substance use for example. There can also be comorbid disorders. There is no “getting tested” for bipolar in the sense that there is no lab test or definitive measurement device. It is based on clinical judgment and careful consideration of the history and context. I’m glad you were able to find some validation in your diagnosis. It definitely was a welcome thing for me to have an explanation for my many years of depressive episodes.