Crazy Hitch - High school teacher

I wanted to make sure I connected with you. I left the following message in the check-in thread but I think it got lost in the pages...

I’m so excited to find another high school teacher with BP! I teach Sociology and AP Human Geography. What do you teach?

I was off work for 10 days in the Spring due to being hospitalized for a manic episode. It was my first time. I’ve been able to teach since I got out and it was easier during the spring while I was still going through hypomania.... but it’s been a struggle this semester with depression... BUT I made it through and very proud of myself for being able to get everything done, teaching both virtual and in the classroom. AND a new subject this year that I am not very familiar with.... I keep telling myself that I can keep going. I have taught for 10 years. I don’t want to give up now and lose my retirement....

What about you? How long have you taught with BP. Does anyone at your school know you have it?

Also, do you know if any other teachers with BP?

Ha! Omg I thought my eyes were playing damn tricks on me when I saw my name in the title of a thread!

I think there are a few BP teachers on here. If so maybe they can give us a shout out!

I teach Business and Economics. Been teaching for 20 years. I got diagnosed officially in 2009 but I definitely had symptoms before then just nothing over the top. I had a mild hypo episode in 2009 and I didn’t work for 2 weeks.

Fast forward to 2015. Massive psychotic episode. Work didn’t understand diagnosis but I reckon I was pretty close to being fired so I resigned. Got quite a big payout though. Work stress etc.

As for my current school bloody hell what a nightmare this year. I got caught up in a very tricky situation having to report the assistant principal for serious misconduct against female students. Police investigation etc and he’s almost pretty much fired but the case is still ongoing. This was in June but by August I was full on psychotic manic. And in my absolute lack of judgment I emailed the principal at 3:00am completely off the rail telling him I’m BP. Beyond embarrassing now that I’m stable. He’s been nothing but supportive but there are some things that you cannot “unsay”. That and sending the other male assistant principal (not the one under investigation) a highly inappropriate text message. Actually it was just a YouTube clip that was marked as inspirational but it would be too embarrassing to recount. Something to do with Brad Pitt and fight club.

I had quite a bit of time off work fully paid. Here in Australia you get work cover if your injury (mental or physical) is as of a direct incident that happened in the workplace so even if I hadn’t of emailed the principal it’s on my application form written by my gp that goes to the insurance company who pay my salary. My only saving grace is the fact that my principal has a few mental health issues himself and has told me that he sees a psychologist but he didn’t specify to me what exactly for.

I don’t personally know any other teachers who have BP. Certainly depression but none at my work who have specifically told me they’re BP. I’m just grateful that I’ve still got my job and that my principal has been understanding for the most part.

I often think the only way I’ll truly heal is to change schools but I feel like I have to work hard to rebuild my reputation as a good teacher.

How long have you been at your school for?

Lol well I’m glad they weren’t playing tricks, our brain does enough of that!!

You don’t know how much relief and happiness I have now that I know that I am not alone. I’ve been googling teachers with BP for months only to find ones who quit or downgraded to teacher assistants. I think I found one who wrote about it but I wasn’t sure if they were still teaching..... I cried when I read your response! Tears of happiness and that’s rare while I’m going through this nasty depression!!

And yes if any other teachers see this, please respond. Teachers go through so much stress, it would be nice to talk to others about it... nobody really understands and especially no one understands who doesn’t have BP!!

Wow you resigned after the episode, did you go back to the same school? So after 2015 when did you go back to teaching? 20 years is a long time!! I hope to teach at least 20 years!!

My psychotic manic episode was gradual and some of it was in control. I didn’t tell anyone about the visions because I didn’t want them to think I was crazy. So I only told my mom and a friend who says she has visions. BUT I kept reliving a childhood trauma I went through and I sent an email to a group of teachers telling them not to contact a students parents. I told them that I was abused and it would not be good to call his mom. Plus I said we needed to pray for him. I also said some random thing about dancing and being fast like the flash!! Good thing none of them reported me!!! I also texted my head principal telling her how thankful I was for her and I appreciated the hard work she does. I even told her I missed and loved her. Thankfully she said it back and told me to keep my contagious energy going! See I had been way more outgoing in virtual meetings and very bouncy. She would ask me if I was ok and if I was on something in a joking way. I told her I was just happy and enjoyed life and I was taking vitamins. She said her vitamins didn’t give her that much energy.... so most of the teachers and principals just thought I was outgoing or super happy.... I told them I am like this in the classroom, they just never got to experience it before..... but now that I’m back in school and depressed I’m totally different. I’ve just told them I’m stressed and the current covid situation has really gotten to me. I only told one teacher in confidence that I have it and told him I didn’t want the stigma so please keep it to himself. I only told him because we work together sponsoring a club and he’s stepped up and taken more responsibility because it’s been really hard for me to.

Oh no at 3am? I think my text was during the day. To the assistant principal, did they ever respond to the fight club video?

Paid time off would be nice? I’m in Texas, we get 7 days a year and they accumulate. Those are the only days we can use. I have been working here for 10 years and in 2018 I had a baby so I used all of my days. I only had 7 when I went to the hospital.... I got 7 new ones this year so I’m hoping I don’t have any more episodes for a long time so I can have emergency days... I also hope I don’t get sick!! It sucks because even for Covid we will have to use our days....

I hope you have a great last week before our break! 😊 Do you get 2 weeks too?

So question about Santa and Christmas... do you guys have a different story you tell kids since it’s not snowing and it would be too hot for Santa to wear a suit and go down the chimney? Just curious!!

Morning/evening to you! I’ve just arrived at work so I’ll probably only be able to give you a short response for now.

Usually when I go hypo I get happy and full of energy too. No one suspects it when I’m hypo but it was a dead giveaway with my principal because of my email. I’m still not over it.

When I resigned from my 2015 episode I didn’t teach for 2 years after that. I lost all my confidence. I returned to teaching at a different school. And I’m still there now.

I’ve also been through childhood trauma so I totally get that. That’s why the whole fiasco with the assistant principal I reported made me eventually go manic. Grrrrr it was such a trigger for me. So I can understand about the student and the parent. I totally get it. Apart from the principal I have not directly told anyone but I suspect the principal may have told the other assistant principals. Maybe. Can’t confirm it. I did have a chuckle at your message to your assistant principal. I think that’s great! Better than the messages I sent that’s for sure.

With regards to my text message to the assistant principal I was so psychotic by then and the principal knew it. My principal rang my partner and told him “these text messages better stop”. My partner took my phone. I was genuinely on some type of phone ban. He completely flipped out. Don’t blame him. My pdoc told me I was close to being chucked into a public psych ward. And I agree with him. I only thought I went psychotic for a few hours but he told me it was for a few months. Looking back I reckon about 2 months.

We have our main break over the summer here in Australia so I’m about to have around 6 weeks off. I’m debating not taking my work laptop home because I know I will do work if I do. And I need the break. I’m really hoping for a fresh start next year. Just put all of this madness behind me for once and for all.

Ha! Your Santa question makes me laugh. Love it! I had absolutely never considered the clothing because that’s just what I believed in as a child so I hadn’t given it a second thought! I don’t particularly like Christmas. My family aren’t here. My folks and my sister emigrated to the states - Florida - and my brother to Scotland. So although my parents have 7 grandchildren that we COULD in theory all have a fantastic Christmas but just can’t. What are your plans over the holidays?

Good morning/evening,

I’m in bed waiting till it gets closer to 11. I only sleep about 5 hours total a night so I hate going to bed too early, then I’m laying here forever waiting till it’s time to get up.

I hope you are having a good day at work! Mine was alright, next 2 days are exams then I’ll be off for a 2 week Christmas break. So your summer break starts now? That’s nice that you get 6 weeks. Our school is moving to year round so the most we will get is a week or 2 a few times a year.

Awww I wish we could take things back that we did while manic! I’m sorry it’s still bugging you about the message you sent to the principal. Maybe they don’t think about it as much as you might think. My message was nice but not something I would have said if I wasn’t manic! I guess I got very loving lol!! Except I also turned on my husband and kicked him out and filed for divorce, but that’s another story!!

Thank goodness you didn’t go to a psych ward!! I hated it there. I’ve only gone once.... but I pretended I was on vacation, journaled, colored, made friends, and even taught sociology to some of the patients. So I tried to make the best of it to make time fly. I was miserable without my daughter.

Don’t take your work laptop home and take the break! You know you can never stay ahead when it comes to school. Try to get some stuff done before the break. That’s what I’m trying to do. I’m debating whether I should bring home books to lesson plan for AP human geography... I hate that class!! I’ve been trying to make at least one lesson for when we go back next semester...maybe I can get 2 done. I really don’t want to work over the break!

That’s tough! I can’t imagine my family being that far away from me. Do you get to visit them or do they visit you? Do you have any children?

I’m trying to convince myself to go shopping over the break for Christmas presents... I’m still going through a depression so it’s tough to go to the store or spend money. I’m also so indecisive right now. So I’m going to take my 21 year old daughter to help me. I’m trying to get in the Christmas spirit, it’s just difficult. My family plans a party every year... this year we have to get Covid tested before we meet up. Are you planning anything?

Well it's been an interesting bloody day! We had a staff briefing this morning at 9:00am and the principal told us as of 14 December the ex assistant principal has officially resigned from the department of education and said he can't say anything further than that. HALLE-BLOODY-LUJAH! I've been through 6 months of hell because of this guy. It just brought back so many unwanted memories. Irony is that on 14 December I woke up from a nightmare that he was just standing in my office and had come back to work and nobody told me he had returned. It was such an unsettling feeling.

My mood actually shot up quite high this morning after hearing that it made me a bit nervous. Someone in my office was like gees are you on meds because I was bouncing around. It was the best news ever but it came at a bitter sweet price of my sanity. So obviously he was found guilty and is just jumping out like a scapegoat. What an idiot. We ended the day with a staff function at a pub to farewell staff who are leaving at the end of the year and moving on to other schools. I wasn't going to go because I'm really not a socialite. I lost a lot of friends when I had my 2015 psychotic episode.

I divorced February 2016. My marriage just couldn't withstand it. I have a (nearly) 21 year old son, a 17 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. My 2 year old is with my partner now. We're not married and to be honest I don't think I'd ever remarry. Been there and got burnt. So unfortunately both my ex husband and my partner have seen me psychotic. I don't think my partner now knows what hit him because he's never seen anything like it.

We had a coordinators meeting with the other assistant principal that I sent the text message to and I think you're right. I don't think they think about it like I do but I think about it way too much. It's a recurring nightmare that gets stuck on repeat in my mind. But I was thinking about it the whole meeting and no I couldn't make eye contact. I'm thinking of buying him a box of chocolates and a card and just saying thanks for putting up with my craziness this year and I'm sorry I got weird. I don't know what else to say really.

If I get 5 hours sleep then I'm definitely hypo! And that's what usually makes me manic. I'm on a mood stabiliser - lamotrigine - and I've just recently stopped my antipsychotics about a week ago without my pdoc knowing. Thing is, I've only ever been on antipsychotics when I had my manic episode in 2015 for a few months and now this year when I derailed. I sleep 8-9 hours a night so I know I'm on the road to recovery even though my mood is not completely stable, it's getting there.

Oh I've been to a psych ward in 2015 for 3 days. And HOW I landed up there is completely another story but I was utterly delusional and apparently there were people chasing me ... sigh ... delusions of persecution or something. The worst thing after a psychotic episode is looking back and thinking OMG did I actually say that / think that?! I've had religious delusions too in the past where I think I'm receiving special messages from God. I can lol about it now because that's just something I know and fortunately I didn't run around sending out youtube videos about it. Grrrr. And yes I absolutely hated the psych ward too. Couldn't wait to get out and those 3 days were way too long.

You should chill out over the break too. Sometimes we just need it. And I really feel like I need it so I might just leave my work laptop at work but I'm worried about it getting stolen in my office or something. We do occasionally have vandalism occurring and my luck they'd take it. I usually hide it behind my desk under my chair.

Depression sucks and here's wishing you a soft landing and speedy recovery. It's hard to do things when we're depressed but it's important to take care of ourselves and try and maintain as much of a normal routine as possible. Which I'm sure you know and it's easier said than done but really important for our mental health. I find buying gifts really hard and I don't enjoy spending the money.

We're meeting up with my partner's folks on Christmas day and his brother and wife will be there too. My 21 year old and 17 year old will be with my ex husband. I found my son's second birthday this year quite challenging. I was actually quite down a few days before and after. It's occasions like that where I really miss my family being around. His folks are quite elderly. They were here on his birthday but I was just thinking 10 years down the line they might not be around and then who will be here to celebrate my son's occasions? What if my daughter emigrates overseas? And my eldest son is barely here he's either studying at university or working. And as I said previously I think I don't have a close circle of friends anymore. I used to. But honestly now I'm lucky if I get a text message on my birthday from just one person.

Still can't believe we're the same age!

What are your plans over Christmas? Are you still married or are you divorced?

That is amazing news about the assistant principal!!!! Thank Goodness!!! I could definitely see how that was a trigger!!! Good riddance!! I have no idea how people like that are able to sneak into the school system. We had a guy teacher here my first year who was sleeping with students and giving them better grades!!! He got busted because a friend of mine found out and reported him. She ended up getting transferred to another school because they wanted it to be silent about what happened. The guy ended up getting 10 years in prison, they had video proof from his computer!!

I think one of my triggers was finding out my cousin was raising new daughter, his first child. He was the on responsible for the abuse when we were kids. I reported him to CPS and had an anxiety attack afterwards.... I still don’t know what all triggered me, I think it was a combination of things.

Oh wow so we are the same age and have kids the same age?!! Crazy... in a good way! 😊
I had my 21 year old without the dad in the picture... my husband helped me raise her starting at the age of 11. He has 2 kids that I helped raise, one is now 23 and the other is 18. Then we both have a 2 year daughter together. So the marriage ended because of BP? I stopped my divorce when I started to get depressed and I tried to get back with my husband. He seemed excited at first, then hesitant, then sure he was and we started wearing our rings again. I partially moved into his apartment, but then he started acting different. We’ve had a couple of talks. He said he is cold to me, not sure if he will warm back up. He doesn’t know where he stands. It’s been tough because I thought I didn’t love him, but now I keep thinking of everything he ever did for me and how much he really loved me. Now I think I just blew it. I don’t know if he will ever love me like he used to....

Is your partner accepting of the illness? Did you tell him upfront about it? I feel like if I get a divorce I don’t want to be with anyone ever again. I just don’t want to put this burden on anyone. When I was in the process of getting a divorce I started talking to an old friend. I really thought I was done with my husband and I started to see a future with my friend. He lives in California so I never met up with him. I feel so terrible now because I was talking to him while I was married (my husband found out about it) and I feel like I led my friend on thinking I was this super happy and confident person. I stopped talking to him when I got depressed. I felt like he was this fantasy and it wasn’t really what I needed. I also felt like my friend deserved to be with someone who didn’t have a mental illness. So that’s where I am now, I really don’t want to put my disorder on anyone. The only guy I thought might love me no matter what was my husband and now he doesn’t seem to care anymore. I try not to let it bring me down... I’m already down. This is my first episode of mania and then depression... my mania lasted about 3 months and so far the depression has lasted about 5 1/2 months.

Hmmm about the other AP, I would just leave it alone. I mean you could get him a card and chocolates but it might bring it back up again and he’ll know you are thinking about it... idk, depends on how he thinks I guess. Me I would just pretend it didn’t happen and try to move on. But if you need closure to help you then you could.

So you guys are still having get togethers and teachers can meet at a pub? There is no pub gatherings here for teachers and they cancelled all parties due to Covid. How was the gathering? Did you enjoy it?

Crazy thing is I didn’t get a lot of sleep while manic but I did when I guess I was in hypomania but as soon as the depression hit I got 1 hour of sleep. It’s been terrible since July. The drs though I was going manic at first but nope. Apparently I’m one of those that get little sleep in either side of the spectrum. There’s been a couple of nights that I never slept! I’m lucky if I get 5 hours. I got at least 4 1/2 last night.

I’m on lithium, I’m talking to a dr next week. Maybe they will want to change the mood stabilizer... I’ll ask them about that one.

It’s so strange that so many of us have delusions about God. When I went to the hospital there was a lady there that told me the thunder storm was really a fight between angels and demons. It freaked me out, even though I had been going through psychosis myself lol! Oh I tweeted 700 tweets in one week. I haven’t even gone back to read them. Mind you all of my school and school district could see what I was tweeting...

Thank you... yes depression sucks!! I never understood it before when I saw people go through it. I though they could will themselves out of it. Boy was I ever wrong!! I used to enjoy buying gifts and going shopping so I’m hoping that it will help me a little. I definitely don’t like it right now.

I struggled on my daughters 2nd birthday too! I had just became depressed. I didn’t even buy her a gift. My husband bought the cake and food and gifts and we celebrated at my moms house. I just sat there and after everyone left I broke down in tears. The year before had been so different. I painted, created a photo backdrop for her pictures, took pics of her in strawberries in milk, created thank you cards, decorated, and had the house full with guests, food, and laughs...... I just feel like I’m never going to be the best mom again. I’ll never be able to give her what I did for my 21 year old daughter....

Those are all real fears.... hopefully your daughter doesn’t leave!! I would flip out if my 21 year old did. I make her come see me as much as possible. It was breaking my heart when I knew she would move out and leave one day. It’s why I really wanted to have another child. I love being a mom....

Haha well I was expanding my circle of friends while I was manic. I contacted almost everyone on Facebook.... old friends, new friends, friends in the hospital..... now, no one calls me. Not even my husband texts me back anymore. I sent him a nice message this morning and he’s silent. I have to reach out to people and I’m not always good at that especially if they don’t respond.

When is your birthday? Mine is 6/6

I have no clue what all I will do over the break. I just know shopping is one thing. Probably watch more tv. And avoid dealing with my house. My husband doesn’t want to move back to it so I’m either going to sell it or keep it if he doesn’t start loving me again.... I just really don’t want to separate because one I love him and two I don’t want to be away from our 2 year old. She’s the only thing that brings me pure happiness and helps me feel better.

Have a good night!

I can understand about your friend having to keep silent about the teacher because it would have been a legal issue but omg the fact that she had to transfer schools is nuts. If I didn't enjoy my school then I would have found a new job for sure. Although I almost didn't go back because the shame of it all. I pretty much think they must suspect what happened to me because no one reacts like that. Or like I did. I can understand how your cousin was a trigger. I can almost pinpoint the exact day I actually flipped over manic straight after a panic attack. Was the day I found out the assistant principal had been accused of similar things around 2 years back but there was just no proof there so he carried on teaching or being an assistant principal or whatever the heck he was paid to do. It was like a switch that went off in my brain and there was no return.

Nice that your husband has helped raise your family and that he has kids too. My partner has an 11 year old son from his previous marriage but his ex wife lives overseas back with her family and his son lives with her. He flies over about once a year to go visit.

Yeah my marriage didn't withstand the BP. After my 2015 episode when I resigned, my payout only lasted so long and then I wasn't earning an income. We were forced into selling the house. Barely had money to put on the table for my kids. It was sooo bad I shudder just thinking about it. He was doing a lot of interstate travelling at the time for work and one day he came home and I found condoms in his luggage bag. We hadn't used birth control for years because he had a vasectomy after my daughter was born so that was the end of our marriage. He went on to marry his mistress and they've just had a son together. Basically he lives his life and I live mine. We only communicate when it comes to something we need to communicate regarding the kids otherwise there's not much contact.

My 17 year old daughter has some serious mental health issues. She sees a psychiatrist and a psychologist but no diagnosis as of yet. A month ago I was driving around the streets at 4:00am looking for her because she had decided to run away. Had cops patrolling the streets looking for her too. Eventually found her and she refused to get into the car. Called the ambulance and took her to hospital for overnight observation. She's okay now but just gotta keep my eye on her.

Your partner just sounds scared of being hurt again. It can take a while for him to heal with things you said but it can happen. I don't know how much of a fan I am of marriage counselling to be honest, but it's probably your actions and not your words that will help him moving forward. Just the little things that you can do for him that can help him feel better to remind him that you do still love and care for him. My relationship with my partner is pretty rocky. When I went manic I got very angry and said a lot of hurtful things. It was misdirected anger - I was just angry in general and a lot got taken out on him. He's also had to put up with my daughter and he's having a pretty rough time at work with a boss constantly on his shoulder and trying to nit pick every little thing that he does.

My partner is 'accepting' of the illness but he doesn't understand it. I told him 3 months into us dating that this is what I've got and that this is what can happen. But he didn't get the magnitude of it until I had a completely psychotic episode this year. He didn't know what hit him with the strange things I was doing. When we're manic we tend to do things we normally wouldn't do, like your friend in California and that's a hard one for your partner but he needs to realise we have an illness and we wouldn't wish this on anyone. You weren't yourself and you weren't in your right frame of mind. You are now and I hope he is understanding. Has he ever gone with a session with you to your pdoc? My ex husband went to a session with me to my old psychologist and she was asking him a few questions and it was blatantly obvious to me how little he understood about what I was going through and had been through. It's like he didn't understand anything about BP. I don't think it's that your husband doesn't care I think it's that he doesn't know how to deal with it.

I was also put on lithium back in 2009 when I was first diagnosed. Unfortunately I developed thyroid problems as a side effect so now I can't take it. I'm basically on thyroid meds once a day for the rest of my life. I'm not too concerned. Just one more little pill I have to pop in the morning with my other tablets. When I got depressed I was put on antidepressants but they have to be used soooo carefully in a person with BP because it can flip you into mania very quickly. They can certainly be used, just with observation. I see my pdoc about once a month. I'm not on antidepressants I'm still coming down from my high. I still get moody and irritable so I know I am not quite stable just yet. Not psychotic but not stable. Depression is the pits. It can be hard to maintain a sense of focus or purpose or enjoy just the small things in life like your kids, especially your little one who is so dependent on you. I lost myself during the manic episode and I was barely paying any attention to my son. Thank goodness it was during COVID and my partner was working from home. I still feel bad looking back on it.

I gave the AP the card and the chocolates today. I was seriously in 2 minds last night about doing it. But I gave my principal the same chocolates today and a card too. I don't know that I'll ever get closure but it was the closest I could do to an apology (which is long overdue).

Fortunately in the state that I live in there have been 0 COVID cases for about 2 months now so we are very very lucky. Everything's open and back to normal. A few other states suddenly have figures spiking up with 17 new cases a day so I don't know how long our slate will stay at 0 for. The only place where masks are now mandates are in supermarkets. Which seems a bit silly since no-one in my state actually has covid but I guess it's a preventative measure. Being in lockdown definitely didn't help my mental health. If anything it made it worse. When I was manic I was living in an alternative reality and I think had I been "out there" in the real world my imagination wouldn't have run so wild.

700 tweets in one week that's a record! I'm sure the tweets were fine otherwise someone would have told you to take them down by now. My facebook page tends to get very "motivational" when I'm hypo. I find all sorts of "inspiring" posts to share with the world lol. No I probably get unfriended by a lot of people during my hypo phase on facebook because they probably feel they're getting spammed in their newsfeed.

My ex husband through diet and exercise alone could cure depression. No. It is a chemical imbalance! So whilst exercise certainly can help (I'm lucky if I can walk down the street!) meds definitely have a role to play. He was never a believer in meds, although he did believe my diagnosis. He was a huge reason I came off my meds years ago, and that didn't end well. I'm accepting of the fact that I will need to be on meds for life or suffer a major setback. And I can't afford that. I really have no idea how I didn't land up in a psych ward this year again.

Funny thing is for my son's first year I did all the photo backdrops, had a get together with about 10 of his daycare friends here at my place and really put in such an effort. I cried so much afterwards. And this year was just the worst. It's not that you're not going to be able to do things with your 2 year old like you did with your 21 year old, you will, just when the time is right. And the time just wasn't right this year. And what do kids remember about a 2nd birthday? Nothing. It's good that your husband stepped in. In sickness and in health. You are both there for your kids and that's the main thing that matters. Not materialistic things, they don't want them. Okay maybe just a bit lol but it's us that they need.

My birthday is 18 April.

I'm needing to find a really good series or something on netflix during the holidays otherwise I"m going to be totally bored. We're going to send my son half days to daycare so I need something to do over the holidays. 6 weeks is a long time and we're not going away or anything. How often do you and your husband get together? It's a pity that he doesn't want to move back in. Just try and make those times extra special when you do see him, even though it's really hard right now.

The last thing I feel like is Christmas shopping. The stores are going to be jam packed next week. Ughhhh.

Chat tomorrow and hope you get some rest.

Hello again!

Oh that’s so crazy that he did something 2 years ago but kept working!! Not sure how long the teacher at our school got away with it but nobody suspected him!! But I had weird vibes right away when he invited me to happy hour!!

Oh wow I can’t imagine having my child love that far away from me, I bet it’s tough on your partner!

Omg he had a mistress!!! Wow!! I can’t believe some people... just wow!! You are probably much better off without him!!

Oh no about your daughter! Do you suspect that it might be BP? I’m so sorry she’s going through that. I don’t wish mental illness on anyone!! I’m so worried about it with my two children. I don’t want this to get passed down. I know I got it from my mom.

Yes I think so too with my husband. I know he’s scared, but I’m just so sad thinking that he lost his love for me. I’ve been trying to do things, but not sure if any of it is working. Only time will tell. I’ve been staying at his apartment and I sleep in the same bed with our daughter in between us. But there is no touch, nothing physical. We talk a little, but not much. Once a week I go to my house to do laundry and spend the night. We had a big talk the other day and that’s when he told me he didn’t know how long it would take for his feelings to come back.... no he has never gone to a session with me. He’s usually working during my virtual appointments. Plus I don’t think he would want to.

Oh no! I’m sorry to hear about your relationship being rocky. I hope he can let it go too, especially if it was just anger and words. I did a lot more than that!! Wow, he learned about it in the beginning of the relationship, so he knows what to expect. My husband only had experience with my mom but never thought I would get it. He tried to diagnose me and tried to help me but it wasn’t enough.

You weren’t even on lithium that long and developed problems!! How much were you taking? I’m thinking of asking my pdoc about a different mood stabilizer.

Did you get any feedback about the chocolates?

Wow zero cases??!! Well one of my sisters just tested positive.... so I’ve got to get tested next week. All of my siblings and daughter and mom met up for my brother’s birthday.... my mom and daughter got tested negative but it might have been too soon to test. It’s really bad in the US.

Yes I thought I was starting a social revolution and I was getting my students to join in. Thankfully not many were logging on last year... I was trying to make a change in the world.

The friend I have in California thinks I don’t need to be on meds and doesn’t believe I have bipolar. I haven’t talked to him in a long time. How long have you had bipolar? I read somewhere that you can wean yourself off of lithium after a few years and having no episodes. I don’t know though. I’m scared to go through it again and I don’t want to lose my daughter.

You had a good party for your son too? 😊 with backdrops nice! I’m a photographer, well haven’t been in awhile... so I really went all out. Yea my husband told me that when I said how sad I was that I couldn’t do as much. He told me I could for her 3rd birthday.... but who knows if this Covid crap will go away and how I will feel next year. I still don’t feel normal and not sure if I ever will. And yes they do need us for sure!!

Our birthdays are close! So were u born in 78 also?

What kind of stuff do you like to watch? I’ve seen so many movies and tv series!! I don’t normally watch animated stories but my brother in law told me to watch Avatar, the last air bender and I really got into it! I’ve also been watching Christmas movies lately.

I’m at his apartment now. He said he was going to the store so I asked if he wanted me to go with him and he said no. He used to always ask me if I wanted to go..... today I was thinking about how loving he was when I had our baby and when he took off for leave and we were together at the house. I think it was the happiest we ever were. I don’t know if it’s even possible to get there again.

So first day off for the holidays. I know time will go by too quickly! I’m going to try to stretch it out as much as I can.

Sleep was about the same - 4 hours, then maybe 1 or 2 hours. It’s hard to tell on my second round of sleep. It’s so strange how I’ve been having that same pattern. Some days I get 5 hours on the first round.

I hope you had a good day and night!!

K I have to chime in =)
I haven’t read this whole thread but it makes me so happy to see you teachers connecting on here!! =)

Thank you daladico!!!! 😊 I seriously felt like I was the only teacher with BP and wasn’t sure how long I was going to keep teaching. It almost felt impossible... so it gives me strength to know I’m not alone!!

It makes my heart SO happy that you don’t feel so alone in this journey now!
This is what this place is all about <3
Hugs my friend

It's me again Who else!?!

You're right about me being better off with my ex husband but there are fleeting moments once in a blue moon when I wish none of it happened. We met / started dating when we were 19 and for the most of it it was a happy marriage. We had our ups and downs but we somehow or other got through it. Okay enough about my ex lol.

I suspect my daughter may possibly be undiagnosed, but I'm not 100% sure. I worry about my 2 year old son just because he's so young and it's impossible to tell now. My eldest son is a lot like my ex husband. I'm pretty sure he's okay. He's always been the more level headed one. My daughter is seeing another psychiatrist on Tuesday this coming week. No one wants to diagnose her. As far as I'm concerned, she needs to be on meds. I know personally in my own life how disastrous it is without meds. I had my first major depressive episode when I was pregnant with my daughter. Around 6 weeks after she was born it went away, so definitely prenatal depression. I had slight ups and downs after that, nothing major, nothing diagnosed until 2009 when I went hypo. Usually my hypo is a happy mood but I went a bit irritable and my GP made me see a pdoc. There was no questioning it in 2015 and no questioning it this time around. Although on 'good days' aka stable days I'd like to think I'm cured but I am just kidding myself. I think there's definitely a genetic component. I am sure my dad was undiagnosed. He just had the label 'alcoholic' whilst I was growing up which masked it. But he used to have raging mood swings. My paternal grandmother well lets just say she didn't live beyond 56 and made sure her life ended. Don't know how to insert the trigger icon.

So you have virtual appointments too. I used to see a psychologist when I got really bad ... around August. My GP recommended her. All her appointments were virtual. She was AMAZING. I can not underestimate her enough. She helped me so much when it was really tough. I spoke to her about so many things that I'd never spoken to anyone else about. Although at the time I don't even know if she knew just how psychotic I was. I didn't tell her certain things. Like God sending me special messages etc. I don't see her now because she's $120 a session and I just can't afford it. I used to see her once a week. It's just not the same not being able to see her I can understand your husband not attending a session with different work schedules. Perhaps there were times when I should have asked my partner to join me for a session. But to be honest I don't know how comfortable I would have been because some of the stuff was really personal. My partner doesn't even know about my past ... so he doesn't get what absolutely triggered me over the edge. And I wouldn't want to tell him. That was my biggest trigger. Figured it out with my psychologist. I was mandated to disclose the students because of duty of care yet I had never disclosed myself. And I was told by the principal I mustn't tell anyone it's a secret. Oh crap well that was me done.

At least your husband picked up on some clues after he had seen it in your mother. I'm not sure how many men would be that intuitive. My major fear is relapsing into an episode and no one picking up the early warning clues until I'm utterly psychotic and there's no going back. I don't say the deepest psychotic things on my mind which may be why I got away with it for so long. Or not throwing in a psych ward this time.

I can't remember how long I was on lithium for. Probably around 3 years. I haven't always been med compliant so there's a large gap where I wasn't taking any meds. Lithium made me feel incredibly flat. It's known as the gold standard but it just didn't cut sides for me. Unless I'm in an episode, lamotrigine has been my gold standard but you have to wean yourself up in doses in slow increments. It's supposed to be really good at preventing depression. I'm still wondering if I'm going to sink into deep depression. I really hope not!

I left the chocolates outside his door. We had a staff get together for year levels yesterday morning so he wasn't there. Then we had a staff briefing, so around 80 staff got together in a common area and he wasn't anywhere around me and I basically left as soon as that was done so no I made sure I didn't see him. I'm going to have to make a concerted effort to make eye contact from day 1 with him. Sigh. It's just such an issue for me. I know it sounds pathetic but it's a recurring thought in my head that he knows even though my psychologist kept repeatedly telling me I'm overcatastrophising and it doesn't mean he knows.

Omg sorry to hear about your sister. Gee and you guys got together. Here's hoping for a big fat negative for you and a speedy recovery for your sister. Zero cases yeah because absolutely everything except grocery stores completely shut down when we reached 80 cases a day. Could only go to the grocery store that's it. And slowly it subsided especially when Victorian borders shut. I really feel for you guys. My mother always tells me what's happening in Florida. It's awful. I chat every now and again in the chatroom here on psych central where most members are american so I hear about it quite a bit in the chatroom too. It's really devastating. My sister is a midwife in Jacksonville and she got her vaccine yesterday.

From experience, don't listen to your friend in California lol. Even if he doesn't think you have bipolar, always go with the experts. By the way I've had some crappy psychiatrists and some really good ones too. If your psychiatrist isn't willing to listen to your meds and their reactions just be careful. My psychiatrist that kept me on a med even though I had bugger all improvement, I partially blame him for my psychotic breakthrough in 2015. He just wasn't paying enough attention to my symptoms. I'm highly suspecting when I see my psychiatrist 13 January I'm going to get a mouthful for dropping the antipsychotics. But I'm still on a mood stabiliser.

Nice that you're a photographer that's awesome! I've thought about doing photographic courses in the past but now that my son is older I'm like meh. Too late. I know you still don't feel normal and wonder if you ever will but these are mood swings, and we do live periods of stability, we really do. It's because of what's happening in your relationship that's making you feel so crap.

Yes. I was born and bred in 78! Actually I was born nearly 3 months prem so although I was born in April I was due June/July.

I like horrors. I know I'm strange. I can't even remember half the shows I've watched on Netflix. Yummy mummies was great if you like a laugh. Another good one was Canadian mothers who all had young kids but damn if I can remember the name. I also enjoyed Beverely Hills Housewives. Oh my staple Christmas movie has got to be National Lampoons Christmas vacation. It's a staple every Christmas Eve in my household! Chevy Chase cracks me up.

First day of the holidays but you know as strange as it sounds I'm nervous that the time off won't serve me well. When I have time on my hands and I'm not busy it leaves me too much time to think about what's happened this year. And my relationship isn't the best with my partner at the moment we're constantly having a go at each other so being in the same house could be a recipe for disaster. He's having a difficult time at work so he's not in the best of moods. He has a manager who is constantly on his back and he's desperately trying to find a new job but hasn't been successful with applications / interviews. They keep getting him to do psychometric tests and he sucks at those. We actually managed to go into the city today just to take my son for a stroll in his pram and managed to not argue. It's a damn miracle. We live in the suburbs. I'm not a city girl. My school is actually in the country. Takes me an hour to get there and an hour to get back. I've been at the same school for 4 years and it worries me so much as to how I'm going to leave. What on earth would they say on my reference?! Teaches well with a slight touch of madness!

A huge contributing factor is also your sleep. Is there nothing your psychiatrist can give you at night to help? I mean I know how crabby I can be after just one night of unsettled sleep. I actually slept way too long last night. 12 hours. That's very abnormal. Some days I feel I can barely get out of bed even though I really want to. My mind is awake my body just isn't.

Hopefully you'll wake up in the morning feeling slightly more refreshed. Have you tried mindful meditation. A lot of YouTube videos to relax and listen to.

Take it easy.

Hey daladico!

Yup these threads have been pretty awesome I've been here a few years and never had the opportunity to have these types of conversations with other teachers so this has been great!

Lol! Back again too! It’s been really wonderful getting to chat with you! 😊

Oh wow you met him when you were 19?? That’s when I first met my husband but we never dated when I was that age. It was before cell phones and the internet so we lost touch until I was almost 30. We stayed friends for 3 years because he was married and I was dating someone else. After my last breakup he decided to leave his wife and then ask me out. We dated 2 years and then married for 8 years. When I was manic I really thought it was mistake that we had been together... but now I keep thinking if all of the happy times we had. BP unfortunately messes so much up. So if our marriage never recovers at least I’ll have some hope that I can move on. Your ex just couldn’t handle it like I think many people can’t. I’m sorry you had to go through that!

Your daughter is so young to be going through this!! It breaks my heart to hear she is.... she’s too young!! Hopefully they can diagnose her and get her on the right meds. She needs to feel better soon!! What does your ex say about it?

Oh wow so you had prenatal depression? Did they give you anything for it? I never had that or any kind of depression before I had my first manic episode so I really never saw anything coming. Oh to be cured, wouldn’t that be wonderful?? They spend too much money on cancer research and never find a cure.... what about mental illness research? You only ever hear about those studies and pill companies making money.....

Oh no about you grandmother!! That’s so young!! Is your dad still alive? How is he now?
Beyond my mom and my first male cousin, I have no clue where it came from. My maternal grandma is 90. She lost 2 sons, one at the age of 2 and the other in his early 20s to murder plus her sister to murder so those were big enough triggers.... and no signs of mental illness. My grandpa drank a lot but maybe he had something or it was on his side. Even my maternal great grandma lived to be 94. Now cancer runs on my dads side so I have even more fun stuff to look forward to. That’s what I always though I might die from, cancer, not have to deal with a mental illness.

Oh wow, 120 a session is high! That’s good you were able to talk through some stuff with her. I did have a therapist I liked but I also didn’t tell her everything. I was in hypomania and only talked about good stuff or how bad my husband was.... now I feel bad and don’t talk to her anymore.

Omg I hate when someone says to keep it a secret... that’s what we basically had to do as kids. Pretend it didn’t happen and be around the cousin who did it. I found out this year that he got a big spanking from my uncle for it, but my grandma never wanted to believe it and told my mom we may have made it up. Apparently my husband told me I repeated this story every time I drank too much, but honestly I don’t remember!!

Yes my husband did pick up on the clues but he didn’t know how to help me. I think that’s one of the biggest frustrating things for him. How does someone help someone who doesn’t believe they are manic? My mom has had several episodes and never believed she was bipolar... she has only accepted it this year when I told her I was. She didn’t even accept it when I was in the hospital or got home.

My cousin and I talked about how we are great actors when manic, we can pretend and fool people. I think it’s keeping the psychotic things to ourselves. I kept some of it from my husband, he only saw my energy and fast talking... but the dreams and visions I had I didn’t tell him because I was afraid he was going to accuse me of being bipolar.... I even thought bipolar was a made up disorder and didn’t exist!! It wasn’t until I smoked the weed, something I had not done in many many years, that the psychosis was super strong and way worse. I was saying all kinds of stuff and scaring my sister. So she called the police to take me to the psych ward. I was so angry with her for months until I actually realized I have BP. Sad thing is my 2 year old was with me.... I left her there in shock. My husband ended up picking her up and told me that she had no expression on her face. She didn’t even recognize him at first, then finally started crying. She cried for weeks without me while I was in the hospital and CPS wouldn’t let me see her for another month, the. It was supervised visits, some at the police station! It was horrible!!! it’s another reason why now I don’t want to leave her for one day. She just doesn’t understand.

My cousin is also on lithium so I figured it was a good one. Does Lamotrigine have any terrible side effects? I’m going to talk to my dr about it. Yea 3 years isn’t even that long to do damage!! How much lithium were u taking? I take 900mg. They increased it from 600 to see if that would help my depression.

I think it will get easier with the assistant principal. It will take some time. At least you don’t have to see him everyday right? Just in meetings?

My sister only lost her sense of smell so far. No fever. I really think there are different strains. So they shut down everything but the grocery stores wow!! Trump told the states he was leaving it up to them. In Texas they said if it was essential it would be open.... so pretty much everything got labeled essential, including fast food places!! The only thing we do is wear masks, but even at restaurants they let you take off your mask at the table to eat.... they did shut down restaurants at first but that didn’t last long. Maybe a month or less.... even nail salons are open now!

Yea I don’t listen to him. I did at first. He was the friend that was interested in me. When I got out of the hospital he told me to take the meds but then sent me a video about a guy talking about depression and how he does not take meds for it... then encouraged me not to. So I got off them. When I got depressed is when I started taking them again.

Sometimes we know our bodies and if u don’t think you need them, well u might be right. They had me on some too but I don’t take them now and I tried abilify for 2 weeks and stopped taking those. I didn’t see anything positive from them and maybe it was too soon to tell but I didn’t like the side effects of headaches and less sleep.

It’s not too late to take cute kid photos!! I took pictures of my now 21 year old all the time. It really just takes practice at getting better with pictures, and it’s so much easier now that we live in a digital world. I learned how with film cameras!! I am hoping my love for it comes back... yes it could be my relationship issues right now that’s also bringing me down or holding me down.

That’s so crazy we are almost exactly the same age!! Hmm I wonder if our parents were together on almost the same night!! So cool! If I were manic right now my brain would probably say there was some cosmic or God force that brought us together or we were soul twins or something. I don’t know, mania can be more creative or psychotic, depending on how you look at it lol 😂

I used to love horror movies! But now they freak me out sometimes. I can sometimes watch them with other people but never alone! I taught my daughter to not be afraid of them so she can watch them all the time even alone!
Have you ever seen Handmaid tales? That’s a good series, but it’s on Hulu. I like National Lampoons vacation too! My husband actually likes it more than I do though lol! I haven’t heard of Yummy Mummies! I wonder if they showcase different shows depending on location.

Normally I love the time off... but you are right thinking too much does not sound like fun!! And I don’t know how to get busy with anything without thinking unless I’m watching tv but if I do that too much around my husband then he thinks I’m depressed or lazy.... at least he’s working. That sucks about his job and how it’s putting him in a bad mood!! But good you guys were able to walk without an argument. So I’m guessing a pram is a stroller? 😊

So are you seriously considering finding a new school? Is it because of what happened or because of the long drive? Maybe you could stay at least another year till things die down before deciding to find another job. I’m so scared to change schools. I feel like I know how my school works, what if another one is more challenging?

I wish something would work for sleep. I’ve tried syraquil, trazadone, doxipine, and Lunesta. I just don’t want to keep trying if they all do the same. They put me to sleep but only for a few hours and I can do that without pills so what’s the point? Yes I do listen to the mindful meditation and that helps me fall asleep quickly... I just can’t stay asleep so I put it back on when I wake up and usually get a little bit more sleep, last night was about 5 hours maybe 6. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if I actually slept or not!

I hope you had a good first day off! I’m still in bed. My daughter is still sleeping and my husband is in the other room I think making breakfast.... here’s hoping he talks more with me today...

Take care and chat with u later!

Hey you! I think we're writing novels here it's great

I'm busy putting up with a rather moody 2 year old who has refused his afternoon nap. I hope he's not getting sick. He has small dots on his stomach which I hope are from him screaming and not something else. It would be awful if we have to spend Christmas day at home if he's got something contagious. Not that we were really planning much on Christmas day but still. Which reminds me of when I had chickenpox on Christmas day one year. Think I was about 7. I was sooooo sick I barely enjoyed my Christmas that year.

Ha yup when we were 19 it was before cellphones and the internet that's for sure. I still remember my first mobile. A big chunky Nokia where I could play snake. It was amazing at the time but now I'm like hmmm. When I moved out when I was pregnant with my eldest son our landlord lent us their mobile phone incase I went in to labour because my ex husband used to work. It was the size and weight of a brick it was ridiculous!

You're right. BP messes a shyt load up. There are some things that can never be undone but hopefully in time we can heal. Sigh. I actually felt pretty angry today. At first with the news of the assistant principal leaving I was quite happy. Then today I was like screw you it's been 6 months too long he should have resigned / been fired 6 months ago. It cost me my sanity and my reputation. What is, is and I can't change it. But if freaks me out if I ever get psychotic again. Because to me during the episode I was completely "normal".

My ex husband is skeptical about a diagnosis of sort with my daughter. She did smoke dope about 2 months ago (she only told us recently) and that can definitely make someone with underlying mental health issues psychotic. He's open to her being on a mood stabiliser but isn't convinced that this isn't just a teenager thing. She has fallen in to bad company at school where her close circle of friends all seem to have major issues. From what she tells me they're all currently mentally unstable, in the nicest way possible. I found alcohol in her room about a month ago. Came from a close friend of hers. Her friend convinced her older sister to buy it. Let's just say that now said friend is banned from our place. I feel somewhat hypocritical. I was far from an angel teenager. I got up to my fair share of nonsense and gave my parents nightmares lol. They had a very strict curfew with me.

When I had prenatal depression I wasn't put on anything, but they would have considered it if my symptoms didn't improve after she was born. Luckily it resolved itself.

You're right the pharmaceutical companies I reckon make a huge sum of money out of us. One thing I'll say where we are super lucky is that our health care system here is really good. Apart from the fact that my psychologist cost a fortune because she was private and not through the health care system, I have it pretty good compared to the states I think. With my son I had him at 'no cost' with a c-section in hospital with a 4 day stay and my own private room. That's in a government hospital so there were no fancy frills on the curtains or anything lol. I've got private health insurance but I just don't need it. But........ on the other hand, things relative to the states are alot more expensive here - especially housing and cars. You wouldn't even want to know what that all adds up to, it's ludicrous.

I've just had a sneak peek at my son who's fallen fast asleep on the other couch. Awww he looks so cute I almost don't want to pick him up to move him into his cot. We're wanting to get him into a bed over the holidays because I don't think he'll do it that easily. Also need to start with the potty training. I've practically forgotten how all of that works it's been so long!

My dad's still alive but all the years of alcohol have not served him well at all. He's just had surgery for his cataracts but he can't walk at all (physically). They're going to be doing an MRI at some stage, so hopefully there will be some answers. He's also pretty much on alcohol all day. My mother's an enabler. She's the one that buys and supplies. It's sad but it's true. But unfortunately you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. They truly don't have a happy marriage. There's just nothing left but at their age they're not going to divorce.

Wow I can't believe your grandparents are / were such a good age! That's great. That's awful about your grandmother losing so many people. Her 2 year old ... I can't even imagine. My life would never be the same again if anything happened to one of my kids. I worry about cancer too. I smoke. I know....I'm on patches at the moment and cutting down. It's the worst habit I ever picked up. Started at 19 at university for the hell of it. My ex husband smoked for about 2 years as a teenager. Now he's the fittest person on the planet. He runs marathons and competes in triathlons. I couldn't keep up with that. I think that's also partially why he may have strayed in the marriage. His wife does a lot of cycling with him and they share that in common. Although if I talk about health issues on the forefront of my mind is what if I go manic again. I mean I sometimes wonder if I could have lost my job over it. Luckily I didn't do anything that would have caused me to lose my job and I was on work cover. My psychiatrist said to me you can't get fired if you're on work cover. But I don't know if he was just saying that to make me feel better. He certainly knew I was psychotic for a lot longer than I did.

It's strange how people can be in denial over serious issues. Sorry your grandmother turned a blind eye. At least your husband might be a bit more sympathetic towards your needs. Or may have used to have been in the past. No one knows BUT I have a recollection of emailing my principal one of those 3am emails and writing in italics that this entire situation was invading my personal space. Now that feels like a dead giveaway that I may have told him. I mean what else could I have been saying. He must have woken up every morning thinking wtf is she emailing me all of this for. I must be the first person he's dealt with that went so psychotic. I'm sure covid and lockdown had a massive part to play because I couldn't "see" reality and what was out there in the real world. I was just stuck behind a computer screen.

Yeah it's difficult to see when we're manic. When I'm in the hypo "happy" phase it doesn't bother me. But when I went absolutely manic my anxiety felt like it was through the roof and I became uncharacteristically angry at absolutely everything. To the point I could envision banging my head against a wall out of frustration. Fortunately I didn't but it was overwhelming. I'm glad your mother finally accepted it. Is she on meds?

I smoked weed a few times in my very early 20s with my ex and it made me have visual hallucinations. I'm sorry it got to that stage where the police had to take you to hospital. You landed up in a safe place but it sure does suck as to how you got there. I can understand how you would have felt angry. My partner threatened a few times to drive me to the psych ward and I got so angry with him. My pdoc still doesn't know how I got away with not being thrown into a public psych ward. Aww your poor 2 year old. But you know what? It will be a distant memory and nothing that they remember at that age. What's important is that you're healthier, all be it depressed, and you're together. That's all they need. Oh wow I can't believe CPS wouldn't let you see her. That just breaks my heart. When I was in the psych ward in 2015, my kids came to visit me with my ex husband but as they were entering the ward there was a massive punch on and they left. My poor daughter would have wondered what on earth I had gotten myself into. I had said some crazy crazy things to my son and ex husband before I got chucked into a psych ward. I got escorted by police too, by the way. Not one of my finest moments.

I am so used to lamotrigine that I honestly wouldn't know if it has side effects or not. One thing I know is that it is weight neutral. When I had this last episode my psychiatrist put me on zyprexa and my weight shot up dramatically. So I complained and he put me on rexulti to ensure the psychosis stays away. Having dropped the rexulti I lost 2 kg in 2 days by doing absolutely nothing. I always say mind over matter but I put on too much in such a short space of time. Lamotrigine has been pretty weight neutral in my experience. I do miss my cymbalta a lot. That was my anti depressant which can also be prescribed for anxiety but it definitely contributed towards my mania because it shot my mood so high into the roof. My pdoc made me stop it abruptly and I felt soooo sick for days. No other way to describe it other than I felt like I was having "brain zaps". I can't remember how much lithium I was taking but around 900mg doesn't sound far off the dose I was on.

With the assistant principal who I made a total ***** out of myself, he's my direct line manager. I'm a Year 7 coordinator (basically deal with kids when they're sent out of class) but have to deal with him with the more serious cases like suspensions etc, which happens quite a bit at my school, relatively speaking. I mean the kids are pretty good where I work,, but it does happen. And if I want to keep my coordinating job in 2022 then at the end of next year I'll have to reinterview for my position and he'll be on the panel. Sigh.

I agree - I'm pretty sure there are different strains of covid. I hope your sister's symptoms stay as they are. Ughhhh I can't believe they classified things as essential when they weren't. Here the only essentials really were health care and grocery stores. Absolutely everything else shut down and remained shut down for months. Yeah nail salons are not a good place to be with covid hanging around in the States. Melbournians were furious with our state premier for taking such, what they called, draconian actions, but it definitely paid off. I would not have wanted to have been him. He got such a lot of backlash.

You're right it's not too late for me to start taking pictures. My daughter refuses to let me take any pictures of her. The only pictures I'm allowed is ones she's taken of herself. Which is very rare that she will share them with me.

Ha! How crazy would this world be if we were conceived on the same night! And hell yeah my manic brain would tell me also that the stars were aligned at the exact moment in time and it was pure destiny that we were able to meet lol. Actually let's just thank psych central and the fact that I jumped on to the check in thread one night and randomly posted about being a teacher. I didn't even remember that post until I saw your post here on the forums with my name on it and I was like woah hahaha.

I haven't seen Handsmaid tales but I've heard a lot about it. I'm on an international blog / forum type thing that I joined when I was pregnant with my son and one of the forums is the Debate Forum and I know a lot of members had a lot to say about that series. I took out a Hulu subscription but that was just to watch Season 3 of Beverly Hills Housewives and then I never used it again. I think it was a free 1 month subscription. The free channels on TV here suck. I'm pretty sure you'd be able to catch Yummy Mummies on Netflix in the States, although I could be wrong about that.

Ha! Yup a pram is a stroller. I'll probably throw in weird words. I DID remember to say 'grocery store' so you'd understand what I mean but here we just call it shops (noun) so "I'm going to the shops to pick up dinner". Didn't know if you'd get the lingo or how you say it over there!

I don't think I'm ready for a new school. I used to LOVE my school but I just wish I never got caught up in this mess. I don't even know how I would get a reference right now. Fortunately there's no box to tick for 'mental health' when they're giving me a reference. And as the saying goes, rather the devil you know than the devil you don't!

I was on seroquel back in 2015 and that was really good for my mania. I haven't tried trazodone, doxipine or lunesta. Haven't heard of them. It really sucks that they put you to sleep but don't keep you asleep. At the height of my mania I was going to bed at 11:00pm and I'd spring up and out of bed around 1:00am and be wide awake. There were a few times where I'd lie there tossing and turning and eventually think stuff it and get up out of bed, have a really strong coffee and watch YouTube videos. It was a bad bad bad habit I got into. It only drove me further into psychosis. I think it might be anxiety keeping you up. When your mind keeps going over things in the middle of the night that will keep you awake.

I hope your husband spoke to you (speaks to you). I haven't really done much today. Went to the mall and bought my son's christmas presents. I'll need to go again this coming week for my other 2.

And on that note my son's just woken up. Oh dear.

Okay chat soon!

Hmmm wouldn’t that be cool if we published a novel? “Overseas teachers with BP” something like that. It takes me longer to come up with ideas when non manic! When I went manic I didn’t even know I wasn’t sleeping. But I was writing non stop! Now I think my writing makes a lot more sense though. I’ve re-read so many things I write and wow, just wow! So maybe my ideas are actually better non manic too! I’m not exactly sure when I went from too manic to just hypomania either.... I also don’t know how long I had psychosis. I only remember it being really bad when I smoked the weed and I thought I was the Flash and could control time and the weather. I thought it was some really powerful weed!!

Aww my daughter rarely takes naps anymore. She did take one yesterday in my arms, but I can’t lay her down for a nap anymore, she prefers staying awake all day but can get cranky too! How’s his stomach doing? Do they have chicken pox shots there? Ok this is another weird connection... I was in 2nd grade when I got chicken pox so I would have been 7 too! I don’t remember what time of the year but I know I stayed home from school for about 2 weeks with my little brother and sister!

It’s crazy how much technology has changed since we’ve been alive and we aren’t that old!! I don’t remember the brand of my first phone, but I remember it was a flip phone, silver, and had a hard antenna on the side. It might have been Nokia, but after that I always bout Samsung, then blackberry, then mtouch briefly then finally apple... I think my first was the 4 or 5. Wow I only ever saw those brick phones in movies.

Yes that’s the hard part about this disorder... how do we ever know what normal is when we go through a mood? Like in the past I would say adrenaline would be why I got angry or that it would increase because of a situation. Now I feel like if I get angry it’s not normal, it’s my disorder. I don’t remember if it was during the beginning of my mania or not but I kicked 2 holes in the wall in my daughters bedroom because I was mad about something I can’t even remember and my husband was following me around the house trying to get me to talk and I told him to leave me alone. I cried in my daughters room and he followed me there, kept talking and I kept telling him to leave. He was trying to give me my daughter who was 1 at the time. He finally left the room and closed the door. All of this rage came out of me and I kicked the wall like a child!! I still can’t remember why I was mad to begin with!! So I know that wasn’t normal but any amount of anger is going to be hard to tell if it’s ok or not.

Hmmm with your daughter there is typical teenage stuff but usually if there is a cause... like why would she have a reason to act out? Does she have a bad home life? Is she getting enough attention? Is she dating someone? It could be the friends, but usually kids flock to other kids like that if they already have issues. If there isn’t a good reason for her to act out, it could be more. I know parents do not want to think the worst, but it will be good to get her help. I know if I felt like this as a teenager I may not have wanted to exist anymore, and that is the last thing anyone wants to happen to their child!! I wasn’t an angel as a teen either but my reason was I had too many responsibilities and my mom was never there for me. My parents were divorced and it was always hard to talk to my dad.

Wow your health care system does sound so much better than ours!! I paid 1,000 just to my doctor and that’s with insurance. I thought that was the final payment until the hospital bills come through. Anyone that goes into the room has to get paid. I think it was close to 4,000. We didn’t pay all of it though... we still get bills, it got sent to collection. Lol I think we did have ruffles on our curtains. We had a nice private room with a super cheap gift. Like some cup and cheap robe and slippers.

When is your sons birthday? My daughters is July 10. We sorta potty train her but only ask if she wants to go, mostly it’s no. Sometimes she poops on the potty and rarely pees. I don’t thinned she’s completely ready. I know it’s been a long time for this!! She also has a bed but only sleeps with us, she’s not ready to sleep on her own either. I also don’t think I am!

That’s sad about your dad and your parents marriage! I had this strange thought that it could be me and my husband one day. He quit drinking and then decided to have one beer per month for the last couple of years.... but when I went to the hospital he started drinking more. I couldn’t tell him not to because at the time I was trying to divorce him.... I was always the one that had the biggest positive influence on him. He even quit smoking because of me!! So now he drinks 2 tall beers everyday and on the weekend at least a 6 pack. Although I did buy him 2 to try to make him happy and it made him angry instead. He said not to buy his vices. Anyway I don’t want to be in a miserable marriage for the rest of my life. I don’t know if it will ever improve or that’s what I have to look forward to. I can see why your parents don’t want to separate because they’ve been together so long.

That’s good that you are on patches and trying to quit. My husband smoked starting around 12 years old till he was 31 I think. He slowly stopped smoking as much, ate jolly ranchers every time he wanted one and finally stopped. I told him I didn’t want to date anyone who smoked and that helped inspire him. I know you can do it too!

What’s work cover? I’m so glad too that you didn’t lose your job! But it sounds like there was a reason you reacted and the person that needed to lose their job did!!

Yes I think my husband did in the past but then started saying “what do you want me to do about it.” He said he was tired of me bringing it up. Oh yea I think Covid and lockdown had a huge part to play... that’s when I went manic for the first time ever! Did you say anything else besides invading your personal space? I think he would really need to read between the lines to know what you meant.

My daughter is now awake so I’ll need to reply to the rest later. Chat soon!

Hello again. I just looked at the time stamp. Your messages come through around 2:00am my time! It's 7:46am Monday morning here. 3:47pm your time I think .... I always have to remember time zones when contacting my folks / parents. Years back there was the odd time when my sister randomly woke me up at some ungodly hour in the night because she hadn't checked the time. Grrrrr. She's a midwife so she works strange hours so she'll sometimes ring me on her way back from work. I keep in contact with them on WhatsApp because at least it's free. Years back - I'm thinking around 2006 - I lived in Glasgow Scotland for a year and back in those days before WhatsApp and anyone had Skype I remember having to go to the postoffice there and buying a 20 pound card that only lasted a few minutes just to say hi to them. I totally hated living in Scotland. The weather was awful and my kids were so little. Could barely take them outside to play in the park. Not my fondest memory of teaching either. They barely recognised my teaching degree and had me on a graduate's salary. I was doing temp work a day here or there but I had to put my daughter in daycare incase I got a phone call at 7:00am to be at a school somewhere. So even on days when I wasn't out working somewhere I still had to pay the daycare. We barely made any money. Worst decision ever.

So you write when manic? I've heard a few people do that actually. Oh I just kept emailing the principal a bunch of crap omg how embarrassing. Not sure if I mentioned back in an earlier thread that he has mental health issues too and sees a psychologist. Not sure if that makes my situation a bit better but damn I wish I didn't have the diagnosis. Lol so Flash and you could control the weather. Well that's an awesome thought in theory! Most of my psychosis was dark .... like really dark thoughts. Although I guess the ones I had about God sending me special messages is kind of funny - ONLY in hindsight! Which is always the better view. You must have had some pretty potent weed although ... even if it wasn't potent it's going to do that to us. I remember smoking it once with my ex and I started having visual hallucinations. I also became extremely paranoid. I think paranoia even if not on weed is a huge factor for me. I had paranoia in 2015 that people were chasing me. Wasn't cool. I remember jumping in my car one day just to get away from "them". Makes no sense now but made total sense back then!

Man my son was difficult yesterday. He fell asleep on the couch for about 30 minutes. He loves his afternoon naps but I think he is coming down with something. My partner dropped him at daycare this morning and I'm half expecting a phone call from them to come and pick him up. I'll ring them a bit later on to see how he is doing. He's extremely hyperactive and is constantly on the go and generally loves daycare so I'll probably be sending him for half days. At least he gets to paint / draw etc. He was very crabby this morning when he woke up and wasn't impressed again when I put him down to sleep last night. Yeah I'm pretty sure one of the immunisations here at a young age is chicken pox. The spots subsided a few hours later so I'm really not sure what on earth it was. Can't believe you had chicken pox around the same age. My worst fear is him getting chicken pox and me having to take time off work. That will be all my leave gone. I'm usually the one that takes time off work when he gets sick.

So you're an apple fan too? I think my first apple may have been the 4 or 5. Not sure what I've got now. Think it's the X or XR. I usually get a new one every 2 years or so. I'm debating if I should just keep this one for a little while longer. My son plays with a few nursery apps on my phone. He loves the counting and number ones. He's super bright for his age and he certainly doesn't get it from me or my partner! He could identify all the letters of the alphabet by 15 months old. He counts to 20 and can count backwards from 20 to 0. His daycare ran out of options so now he can count from 1-10 in Greek and Spanish. Although he's moving to a new room next year and I wonder if the teachers in the new room will continue on with it.

I'd love to know the neuroscience behind psychosis and anger. All I know is that it's a "chemical imbalance" but like of WHAT? How many chemicals does our brain need to actually stay in synch. The way I think of psychosis it's like when you have a nightmare and you wake up and straight away you realise phew that was a dream it wasn't real. Psychosis is like having a nightmare but you're wide awake. There's just a part of your brain that's completely not working. The only person I get angry with now is my partner. And I can see how your partner following you around would annoy you. Sometimes when I was at my worst I just needed space and even if I asked him to go away from me he would still follow me around. When I felt myself about to go into a fit of rage with him I'd jump into my car, go to the store and buy milk since I couldn't think of anything else to buy! One week we had clocked up so much milk in our fridge I'm not sure what we even did with it all. I recognise that my anger is not normal. Most days I'm pretty chill but I remember when I was coming down from my mania a lot of things were still making me angry that wouldn't necessarily make me angry if my mood was stable. It's like there were some residual chemicals running around in my brain that weren't quite balanced out yet.

My daughter changed a lot after our divorce. She never really settled. She totally accepts it (I think). But there was a lot of arguing between my ex husband and I before he finally moved out. I know that's really bad to do in front of kids but it was one of the lowest points in my life. She's just never been the same since. One thing that pains me to say is that she actually has quite a good relationship with my ex husband's wife. She'll tell her things that she won't even tell me sometimes. Yes that does upset me, but I think I'd rather have her talk to someone than to no-one - especially if it's an adult. The worst still was the night when she left the house aka ran away and we couldn't find her until 4:00am. And I don't think her smoking weed helped either. I really wish my folks were here. They don't even know about her episodes. I just feel they have so much on their plates and there's nothing they can do being so far away. When we divorced it really upset my mother and there were so many times when she would say she wishes she was here to help me. They don't even know about my psychosis. I was always posting "happy posts" on facebook when I was manic. Although I do remember having a long rambling conversation with her on WhatsApp but fortunately I was in quite a good mood that day telling her what a lovely mother she was ha and I think she was quite happy with that.

At least you got a gift from your hospital but wow the price is insane. I think that would be about what you'd pay in a private hospital here. Did you go natural (I hate that term actually it makes any other kind of birth seem unnatural) or did you have a csection? I remember being so out of it when my son was born. I hadn't eaten since midnight the night before and I was feeling so nauseous I wanted to vomit in theatre. That night when I had him the epidural had worn off and I felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of hot knives. Was not cool at all. I did actually land up throwing up all over my partner that night just before he left!

My son's birthday is 7 December. He was due on Christmas Day. With my eldest 2 I had csections. My 21 year old (almost 21 in February) was an emergency csection so I had an elective csection with my daughter. With my 2 year old I started going into labour somewhere between the evening of 6 December and early morning of 7 December. Contractions weren't bad at all but they didn't want me to go into labour for too long so he landed up being delivered at 11:47am that same day. My daughter was at the hospital with us and she desperately wanted to be in theatre with us but it was one support partner so she had to wait in the waiting room. I'll never forget the look on her face when I was wheeled out with him. She had the biggest smile on her face ever. My ex husband and his wife had a baby this year on 5 December. I'm really glad it wasn't on my sons birthday other wise every birthday moving forward my daughter would have to choose which birthday party she would want to be at.

That's really good that your daughter has started potty training. I can't believe it's taken me this long to give it some serious consideration. I meant to remind my partner to speak to daycare about it this morning but I completely forgot.

That's really good that your partner quit smoking because of you. My partner can't stand me smoking but he's come to realise the only person that can make me stop right now is me. Longest I've gone without a cigarette has been about 6 weeks. Dumbest thing I ever did was light up again, but I guess anyone whose quit and done that would say the same thing. What are jolly ranchers? Sounds like some kind of biscuit (cookie).

Work cover is basically if you have an injury (physical or mental) that is as a direct result of something that happened in the work place, and if you need time off, you still get paid. I really can't remember how much time I had off. Everything is just a blur. I know it was a week here, 2 weeks there etc but it's hard for me to sequence what the hell happened this year and for how long. Nothing I recall seems to be in any kind of order.

When I wrote to the principal and said this was invading my personal space I was writing to him about the entire situation with the ex principal. You're right it might seem a long stretch for him to put the pieces together, I'm not sure. He used to be an English teacher before he became principal so he might be used to reading between written lines!

Okay catch up with you later.

Lol you wrote your part of the novel before I had a chance to respond to the rest of the last message! I think I may have carpal tunnel by the end of this haha!

No my mom refuses to take any meds. She says they don’t work and gets off of them every time she’s ever been on them. She’s learned to ride the waves of BP. Right now she’s in a depression. She didn’t realize she went manic around the same time as me, maybe a little before... she started going through the depression when I went into the hospital. She never realized she was going through episodes. She just thought the triggers of life made her feel a certain way. She was in complete denial. Even now that she knows she doesn’t want to take meds. I told her if she goes through another high she’s going to need to because she’s getting older and it may be worse the next time. I told her she just needs to eliminate any kind of stress and keep a routine to hopefully avoid any triggers.

Hopefully my pdoc will be on board with me switching to Lamotrigine. I think maybe it will be better in the long run.

Lol the stars aligning sounds nice too! Speaking of stars, the Star of Bethlehem is supposed to be out in 2 or 3 days, it only comes like every 100 years or more. You should go try to see it. My husband told me to drive out to my dads in the country to see it better, but I just hate driving at night. Especially with the little sleep I get I don’t want to get tired while I’m driving. Yes I’m so glad you check back in to psych central! When you didn’t respond in that busy thread I knew I had to take action!! I needed a teacher like me in my life, it’s just crazy how much alike we are too!!

Oh yes if you can ever watch Handmaids tales you should, it’s really good! It’s got a twisted story line, but gets better the more you watch them.

Haha I love learning different English words from England or Australia! I thought it was so funny to find Nappy cream when I visited England... I tell my students about how we say different words because of our location.

Oh wow you drank coffee even though you were already wired?? I would forget to eat and I would start drinking coffee but never finished it.

Yes my husband did speak with me just not a whole lot. I don’t know what to talk about so I just comment on whatever he has to say, usually it’s about something in the news. He seemed a little nicer today and less irritable. Less like I’m annoying him thankfully.

Yup I posted a message this morning, so we are around 8 hours apart then. It’s about 9:42pm right now. My daughter is sitting in my stomach and periodically bouncing on it while she watches a cartoon. My husband is about to get out of the shower and then it’ll be my turn! He has to work tomorrow. Ok he’s out. I’ll be back to post more!

Hello again! Not sure how long I’ll have to type. As soon as we get into bed my little one will reach for my phone if she sees me on it. She’s pretty smart too but NOT like your son, wow!! He sounds gifted for sure!! My baby girl knows how to navigate my iPhone and knows how to get to her game apps. She’s really good at them, but her favorite app is Snapchat! Lol she loves the filters and not sure if realizes she’s sending messages but does! She can count but gets numbers mixed up sometimes. Haha she just told me to put my phone down on the table. I told her just a minute and now she’s running around saying “hop high” and bouncing and now saying “Dabi Dabi” sometimes she makes sense sometimes I’m not sure lol!! So your little one just turned 2? Wow he is so smart!!!!

That’s so cool you were able to live in Scotland. Even though the weather doesn’t sound nice I bet the scenery was fantastic! What about where you are now? Where I live it’s totally flat and nothing but buildings and houses and trees... nothing spectacular!

Yes I think it helps that your principal has mental health issues too!! I heard a rumor that my principal had a nervous breakdown once and had to go to the hospital but not sure if she has any mental health issues. She always seems to have the same demeanor.

Yea I love writing anyway and have in the past started writing a book but never finished it... so when I went manic I thought I could write one in a week. I had too many rapid thoughts though and every idea turned into another one too quickly. My old teacher was editing it for me and told me it sounded like a stream of consciousness. She said it sounded like a book called “a million little pieces” one of my favorite books. I still want to write a book but just have been so hesitant to write much of anything as I’ve been dealing with this depression. But I’ve actually felt a little better today... I keep being hopeful that the depression will lift but trying not to get my hopes up too much because then I get let down when I have another bad day or when my sleep is worse for a night. So I’ve just been waiting. I have my next pdoc appointment in a couple days.

That has to be really hard to go through paranoia or dark stuff. The only dark I felt was this strange power surge through my body that I though was evil. I also through away my favorite snoopy toy because I thought it was possessed. It sucks!! It made this cute laugh when you opened its mouth. I find it so strange that so many people who go through mania have a connection to God. What were your messages? Mine were about dream interpretation. I also could connect my life to movies I had seen such as the butterfly effect...

Ok I will chat more later, gotta turn out lights!