[Victoria'smom]

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I'm too scattered to do my art class. Flipping out when I’m “alone”, this includes when they are just sleeping. I have to have my headphones on just to type. Even the delivery guy asked if I was okay. All I want to do is SH and calm down. It feels hard to breathe all day. I’m supposed to be taking fluxateine but I’m not. Why? Because I’m a ****en whinner about swallowing pills and my insurance is not playing with it anymore either pills or nothing. (apparently they care whether or not I’m psychotic but they don’t care if I’m depressed)

I have no one to talk to about all this. My husband is sick of me, I may not have insurance, so I’m bracing for this to get much worse. I just want to sleep all this way. I don’t get how I can function normally and be so messed up when alone. How do I tell my pdoc. When things are a “little” off when they’re around he wants me to go to the hospital. I have no idea what he would say if he knew the hell I go through when alone.

It’s not like soon I won’t be alone more often. One day Miguel will move out. What happens then? What about when my husband passes away? I can’t go into assisted living because I’m so scared of people I don’t even use public restrooms. Let alone live with people. Then living alone will be even worse. Honestly, I think H would leave if he could. I’m not a good wife. I’m a kick *** mom but wife I suck.

Hopefully if I can see my new T he’ll let me write. I’m so much better at writing than talking. I’m hopeful that he can help my other T was over her head with me. To be fair I didn’t explain myself well. So she knew I had problems being alone but not to what extent.

I don’t think it’s an SzA thing maybe it is but I’m starting to think I have a paranoid personality disorder too.

[Fuzzybear]

I'm hopeful that your new T will let you write. I also wonder if you've read about ''cognitive distortions'' - someone else would be able to describe this (or look it up) It includes thought distortions including ''fortune telling''.. (if I recall correctly)

[Soupe du jour]

There have been many times I wrote down my thoughts for my tdoc and pdoc. Many times I even handed the printed document to my pdoc for him to read. He always accepted it. Then it allowed him to ask specific questions that were much easier to answer.

I, too, have thought about what will happen if/when my husband passes on before me. Now living in Europe vs. my homeland of the US makes me wonder even more. My husband is almost 13 years old than me, so me being the last one standing is certainly possible. It's a good topic for discussion with a therapist and psychiatrist. What I'm sure they would suggest is to imagine a good scenario. Plan for the possibility. Actually, I have used "pre-planning" in many cases when risks and anxiety-provoking events were coming up. I know it can be hard not to catastrophize, but we are creative beings. We can also imagine success. I think that makes it more likely and easier to happen.

FuzzyBear offers a great suggestion about using CBT tools to challenge distortions. It can be done with a therapist, or on one's own. Click the green "Download Free Worksheet" at Cognitive Distortions (Worksheet) | Therapist Aid for the list of cognitive distortion categories. For a description of the "challenging cognitive distortions process", see Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Guide, Free CBT Worksheet, Thought Record This is one of my favorite coping tools.

[Victoria'smom]

I have a Thought record I use to do for WV T. It doesn't have alternative thinking on it though. I have a chart of cognitive distortions on my refrigerator. I don't want to overwhelm my new T with papers or just how broken I am from the get go. I'd much rather wait a month unless he reads my file then it's all there. They have all my notes from WV T-current. I hope he reads the records it'll be much easier for me.

I don't think I'm catastrophizing. maybe? But what do you do when your not safe home alone but your scared of people? And the only people you trust live with you. H's family has a history of EARLY heart attacks. So most likely I'll live longer then him. Current T was trying to get me safe to stay at home but that obviously didn't take. I guess being afraid of one or the other is better then both but I really have to do something I don't want more meds but I may have to.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry that you're hurting! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters in that i am confident that your therapist will let you write down things if you just ask, Hopefully. Please do reach out for support to your doctor and therapist or whoever else whom can help you in any way and don't be ashamed of going to the hospital or increasing some of your meds if necessary. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Miguel'smom, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!